Sola Fida
by Iaragon
Summary: Devotion is something that comes with time. Ivy will do anything to make him see himself as a man, even as she herself grows into a monster. RemusOC. Marauder Era.
1. Trials and Tribulations of Ivarius Black

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Trials and Tribulations of Ivarius Black

"**_REMUS LUPIN!_**" I screamed, uncaring I was making the hugest fool of myself. Ever. I'd regret it later. Even if it was, you know, only myself and the Marauders in the Gryffindor Commonroom.

That's ignoring the scores of Gryffindors staring at us from the stairwell.

"Ah – Ivy, please – don't you think you're-,"

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I'M OVERREACTING!" I bellowed, shucking the Arithmancy textbook sitting on the table at him. He ducked it swiftly, as he had for been dodging things for the last five minutes. Pettigrew, Black and Potter were cowering behind the couch and safe…for the moment.

"Ivy – just let me ex – _don't throw that!_"

Too late. A particularly sharp-looking quill whizzed past his ear to be lodged in the wall, feather looking rather ruffled. I wish I was a witch and could just hex him into –

Oh. That's right. I _am _a witch.

Remus' eyes widened when he saw me step towards the couch my wand rested on and quickly jumped in my way. He held me at arm's length by the shoulders when I tried to shove past him.

_Why _am I intent on murdering Remus Lupin?

I guess I'll begin at the top, not long after the beginning of first term. That's about the time I got involved with these Gryffindors in the first place.

My name's Ivarius. Yes. _Ivarius. _I still won't let up on my grudge over that name…bloody parents are senile…

Alright, sorry. I'm…ah…_Ivarius _Black. Call me Ivy. Member of Slytherin, born and bred and all that. Youngest sibling of the House of Black and in fifth year. Professor Slughorn made me move up to higher classes in Charms and Transfiguration this year. I only agreed to it so I could annoy Reggie.

Oh, sorry. Regulus is my brother. Um…Sirius is my brother, too, but…I'm not really supposed to talk to him anymore. He got sorted into Gryffindor, see, and mother and father…didn't take too well to that. Sirius and Mum, especially, had never gotten along. I still remember the fights they used to get in…

You see, the Black family is a strictly pureblood family. The Black family never associates themselves with muggle-borns. The Black family is never, ever sorted into anything other than Slytherin.

And the Black family worships Lord Voldemort.

Unconditionally.

Sirius refused all that. He even moved out. The instant he was out the door, Mum and Dad disowned them. Regulus wants to do anything that will please Mum and Dad. He even got the Dark Mark last year…he became a _Death Eater. _Reggie told me it was the best moment of his life, coming under the Dark Lord's order.

Me? I'm just…Ivarius. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I don't involve myself much with the other Slytherins, except maybe Severus and Lucius. But even that is kept to a minimum. Despite the little…ah, _tantrum _you saw at the beginning, I'm quiet. I don't talk to anyone outside of those two and Regulus. It's not that I'm scared, or shy, or intimidated by others, but I'm more a of people watcher. I'll just sit and watch people go about their business, listen to the gossip I catch. Never socialize, never let any information go other than my name. The less people know about me, the less they can use against me.

Around Severus or Lucius or Reggie, however, it's a completely different story. I pull little harmless pranks on them time to time and chat with them and scribble notes in Severus' Potion's book.

Alright, enough of the summary. I have a tendency to lose sight of my goals…sorry.

It was late September, which was the beginning of my favourite season: autumn. I was hoping every day that I'd walk into the Great Hall to find leaves falling. But as I walked into the huge room softly lit with morning light, I was greeted with nothing but a clear morning.

Ah well. There's always tomorrow.

"Ivy, there you are," I turned slightly from my walk down the Slytherin table, stifling a yawn and blinking sleepily at my brother. He grinned at me and I knew I was in trouble.

Regulus Black has the true 'charming' gene in him, just like Sirius. He's actually got _nice, _layered black hair, unlike my own rough-cut hair that looks completely stupid down and therefore is always in a messy, low bun. Yes, a _messy _bun, because my hair doesn't know the meaning of 'neat'. His skin has a better tan than mine, too, since he's always practicing Quidditch. And he's got really nice blue eyes. I just have brown.

"Yes?" I inquired, turning heel from my previous destination and propping my arm on his shoulder. I saw his Transfiguration book open on the table and a parchment waiting readily.

"Darling, _darling _sister," he began pleadingly with a winning smile. "I'm in just a spot of trouble with this essay that's due, oh, _today, _and I was thinking-,"

"Uh-uh." I swat him over the head lazily, still trying to wake up. "Write it yourself."

"But I _can't, _it's so bloody difficult-,"

"Not my fault, is it?"

"Er – no, but-,"

Ugh, annoying prat. Frowning, I pulled my wand out and touched the paper. One single sentence appeared there, the wet ink glistening.

"There. Your first sentence. Read the rest, that's why they give you a book."

Patting his shoulder once, I stuck my wand back in my pocket and continued my stroll to the very end of the Slytherin table, closest to the Teacher's. It was known as The Elite's table – that's me, Lucius and Severus. And true enough, there was Severus, sitting and reading a large old book entitled _100 Greatest Potions of the Century. _

Ugh. Potions. I like it, but I'm terrible at it.

I sat down next to Severus and filled my cup with pumpkin juice.

"Severus, could you please pass me the-,"

Wordlessly he set the plate of bacon and eggs in front of me. I had to commend him on his ability to multi-task, as his eyes still hadn't left the book in front of him.

Nibbling on a piece of bacon, I glanced around the rest of the Great Hall. It was about a quarter full. Mostly Ravenclaws were up at the moment, but there were a few Gryffindors and one of two Hufflepuffs. Professor Dumbledore was seated leisurely at the front table. Professor McGonagall and Professor Archwitz, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, were also there.

A sharp _bang _from the other side of the hall startled me out of my thoughts, almost making me fall off the chair. Severus' head snapped up at the same time. I saw smoke rising from a place at the Gryffindor table and sighed tiredly.

Immature little Marauders.

Severus watched a Gryffindor first-year run out of the Great Hall and sneered, glaring over at were I could see Sirius, Peter Pettigrew and James Potter laughing. Potter…I have my suspicions that Sirius is living at the Potter's nowadays.

Their prank on the first year wouldn't have bothered me if the _singing _hadn't started. Apparently they'd charmed more of the first years to sing some strange muggle song. I watched McGonagall descend on the Marauders in an instant.

A glance at my pocketwatch told me I should be going down to the Potions dungeon soon. Just as I was about to open my mouth, owls poured into the Hall with the mail. I sat back and watched them circle around, frowning slightly when I noticed Mum's Great Horned Owl, Hades, flying with them. Sparing a glance down the table, I saw Reggie watching it, too. I kept my eyes on him, almost sure that's where Hades was going. Mum always sent letter to him, the favourite child.

It came as a shock when I got pecked rather rudely and found Hades sitting in front of me, impatient for attention.

I frowned slightly, fumbling with the letter as he stuck his leg out for me to remove it. What could Mum want with _me…?_

As soon as he was free of his burden, Hades flew off. He was a mean owl, that one. Tried to peck my eyes out once. I noticed Severus eyeing the letter in my hands with an almost-frown on his cold face.

Still, I didn't have the time to open it. I shrugged and stuffed it in my bag before standing. He took the hint, as usual, and snapped his book shut the same time he stood, sliding it smoothly into his bag as we walked. Either I was short or he was tall but he _towered _over me. Severus had that sort of intimidating affect on most people…not including the Marauders.

Sev (he _hates _it when I call him that) and I parted ways in the entrance hall. He had transfiguration, and I had Potions.

"Hey! Hey, Black!"

…damn.

A girl with curly brown hair bounced up next to me, a big smile on her pretty face. Yes, she was very beautiful. And also very much in love with my player of a brother. Apparently, her strategy of getting to _Reggie _is by having _me _recommend her.

I don't know why she thinks I'd recommend her. She's nice, and good-looking, but so is half of the female population. Show me a good, original _trait…_

"Hm." I replied. She barely noticed.

"How's your brother today?"

I shrugged. It was better if I didn't talk to her at all...she was a Ravenclaw…Lucius'd kill me…

"That's good," she smiled. "Off to double Potions with the Gryffindors, right?"

"And you'd be down here because…?"

"Hm?" I frowned at the hall in front of me. It barely had an affect on her. She just smiled more. "Oh, just wanted to say hi to you, Ive, before class-,"

Ive? _Ive? _What kind of sick joke was that? My name was _not _'Ive'.

"Don't call me that." I told her.

"-and bring Professor Slughorn my homework from yesterday. He gave me an extension, because I was sick."

Bloody excellent. She's ignoring me now.

Her speed quickened so she was now moving past me. She waved to me happily. "See you later!"

Of course you will. I glowered at her rapidly disappearing figure. I entered Professor Slughorn's classroom.

"Ah, Black," a voice beckoned. I glanced towards the front of the class and saw Professor Slughorn waving me over. I wasn't a good potions student, but as my Head of House Slughorn knew all about my marks in Charms and Transfiguration. Therefore I seemed to be on his good side.

When I reached his desk he handed me a scroll of parchment. "Be a dear and bring this up to Professor Flitwick, would you?"

"But, sir, class starts soon-,"

"Ah, don't you worry," Slughorn winked at me. I found it rather unnerving. "Go on, go on. I won't mark you absent and no points lost, all's good, yes?"

Whatever.

Back up the stairs, which was quite the exercise, not to mention picking my way through the moving stairs to the third floor and down two other bloody corridors –

...this school is far too big.

Finally I got to Flitwick's classroom and knocked once before entering. It was a mess inside. People were standing and waving their wands around as other students threw pillows at them. Whatever spell they were trying to perform made the pillow explode when done incorrectly. Must be the Disacceleration Charm.

"Oi, another Slytherin?"

Gryffindors. _And _Slytherins. Always wonderful.

"Oh, a wittle fifth year! Come up to play, Black?"

I ignored them – seventh years. Bah. They'd be out of here at the end of the year anyways. That was actually a bad thing, though, because both Severus and Lucius would be graduating this year. Still, if I continued on the way I have been, I can have all my courses done next year.

Finally I reached Flitwick's desk, where the poor wizard was practically drowning in feathers.

"Ah, Miss Black!" he squeaked.

"This is from Professor Slughorn, sir." I told him, holding out the scroll. He might not have heard me, but he took the scroll anyways. I waited patiently in case he had any message to send back, all the while watching the people around me from the corner of my eye. They really were bad at this charm.

I hefted my bag on my shoulder, sighing. Flitwick squinted at Slughorn's ridiculously messy writing, probably not even past the first sentence. And my bag was insanely heavy. I glanced across the room and noticed Severus working the Disaccelaration Charm pretty well.

I shifted my shoulder again. Maybe I shouldn't have stuck that book on the history of witchcraft over two thousand pages long –

Several things seemed to happen at once. One, the seam on my bag split, spilling contents everywhere. My ink bottle shattered, sending ink over all my books and papers. At the same instant someone must have been startled by the noise, as bright sparks flew from someone's wand. A moment later Severus was _right there _and shooting a hex at Peter Pettigrew. I assume he'd been the cause of the sparks. But Sirius stepped in front of the short kid and deflected it before sending a counter-curse to Severus.

A girl standing next to me jumped at the loud _snap _Severus' hex made as it buzzed past Sirius' ear and hit the wall. I noticed her slip and begin to fall, and also noticed the glass shattered across the floor. I grabbed her arm, but she was too heavy and seemed to be turning in mid-air to catch the fall on her hands and knees, so I was effectively pulled under her.

I didn't mean to make noise. I really didn't.

My yelp made someone drop their wand. There was another series of sparks and a curse in Pettigrew's high-pitched voice so I assumed it had been him again.

Funny thing was, even though I was feeling extreme pain, all I could think about was that damn school bag. It betrayed me, stupid thing. It was supposed to battle evil forces, like gravity. I'll buy a newer, more faithful one. I won't even try to mend a traitor, so there.

It was about then it occurred to me there were a few tears on my face. I frowned and pushed them away, looking around to try and gather my bearings. This girl – Gryffindor, I see now – is still crushing me beneath her. And it really, really hurts.

"-get off her, _Gryffindor_-,"

I know that voice. Lucius and his better-than-thou attitude. The girl was roughly shoved off me, I realized, but I didn't want to get up. My head hurt. I'd smacked it off the ground – what if a piece of glass hit my skull? Mum'd kill me.

Mum…

Oh hell! Her letter!

I stood bolt upright so quickly my momentum made me fall right back down on my knees. I groaned. She'll kill me…her letter…if I _find _it I can fix it…

"Ivy, love, lift up your arms." Love. Snooty little Lucius uses it as one of his pompous little sayings for me. Nonetheless I realized he was in front of me, so I sighed and did what he told me to. Lucius picked up my legs for me and carried me with my arms wrapped around his neck and my head resting on his shoulder.

I noticed no one was laughing. Gryffindors usually laughed when embarrassing things happened to Slytherins. Guess it wasn't funny anymore when blood was involved.

"Don't you take advantage of her, Malfoy-," what was Sirius talking about? We hadn't talked in pretty much seven years. However, from his tone, I could bet Lucius had been smirking at him.

"I'd love to see you try to stop me, Black." Now there was that true Malfoy Sneer.

"Mr. Malfoy!" Flitwick's voice is so squeaky…heh heh… "Bring Miss Black down to the Hospital wing immediately – it looks like there may be damage to her skull."

But I need my skull…

"Mr. Snape, Mr. Pettigrew, and Mr. Black! Detentions for all of you, tonight!"

"Ah, but you see, Professor, tonight's not really a good time-,"

"_Don't you talk back to me, Mr. Black!_ It's your fault your younger sibling is suffering from at least blood loss and you tell me tonight isn't a good time?"

"I do agree," another Malfoy Sneer. "How irresponsible, Black. You're suppose to look out for…_family._"

"Don't talk about what you don't know, Malfoy-,"

"And what wouldn't he know, Black…?" Snape soft voice of ice slid silkily into the conversation. "Ivarius confides in _us, _most obviously…not you."

"Back off, Snivelly." Potter. I think I'm going to pass out.

"This isn't the time. It definitely isn't the place." Hm…it could be Remus Lupin's voice…I've only heard him speak a few times.

I shivered. It was started to get very cold. I usually hated being assertive, but I didn't want to die, really.

"Excuse me?" I raised my head a little, only seeing the outlines of people. "I apologize if I sound rude but I am bleeding. Profusely. And I would bloody appreciate it if whoever the hell is talking could shut the hell up so I can get some godforsaken help."

Wow. I'm going to feel that one later.

I felt Malfoy snicker and he started walking. I closed my eyes. Where was the Hospital Wing again? Oh yeah…only two floors up…three corridors left and one right…another two left…up that weird staircase that laughs if you stand on it too long…and…


	2. The Fifth Year Proposal

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The Fifth Year Proposal

Ah, the Hospital Wing. I hate the Hospital Wing. I've never been comfortable with St. Mungo's or anything. I guess I have a sort of fear of medical places.

I sighed. This sucks. It looked to be about…dawn? Had I been out for a whole day?

The curtains were drawn around my bed, and a few different bottles of medicine were on the nightstand, neatly folded next to my clothes.

My schoolbag sat on the end of my bed near my feet, neatly filled with all my books – ink-free. Lying next to it was a piece of parchment. It read:

_You're too clumsy._

I grinned. Severus. I'll have to remember to thank him later.

I sat up in the bed, not feeling much pain but I was pretty stiff. Nonetheless I picked up my school clothes and took off my hospital gown before slipping on the skirt, then my socks. I had to be careful – there were bandages all around my upper torso as my back had taken the brunt of the fall yesterday. My arms were bandaged, too, from shoulder to elbow. I felt my head but there weren't any bandages there.

My blouse went on next, and then I picked up my tie. Before I could put it on, though, the curtains were suddenly yanked back.

"And what would you be doing, girl?"

Ah…Madam Pomfrey…

"Er – nothing," I said blankly. She narrowed her beady eyes at me and I smiled a little, nervously.

"Do you feel tired?" she barked.

"No…"

"Hungry?"

"No."

"Dizzy?"

"No."

"Is your vision blurry?"

"Ah…no."

"Can you walk?"

"Yes." I was getting irritated now. What's with the questions?

She scowled. "Alright, you can leave. But! Be back here in _exactly _a week so I can take those bandages off!"

And with that, she turned on her heel and strut off. I sighed heavily. That woman was going to kill me one day.

I picked up my cloak and shrugged it on before turning my attention to my tie. I've never been able to master tying a bloody tie. Even after _five _years. I frowned, fumbling with it for about three minutes before I was able to get it right. Finally, I was ready to go.

Picking up my bag and tentatively setting in on my shoulder, I made my way to the door and was just about to pull it open when someone pushed it open from the other side and a young man _collapsed on me. _I was so startled I fell back down.

Why do I keep getting into this position?

The speculation flew from my mind when I noticed what state the guy was in. He was out of breath and panting heavily, as if he had run all the way here. And he was _bleeding. _All over the floor and myself. His body was shaking and his eyes were almost closed; he didn't even have the energy to speak. I kept seeing his lips moving, but nothing came out.

I'd never seen someone like this before.

"M-Madam Pomfrey," I said softly. My voice raised. "Madam Pomfrey!"

The nurse came out of her office and flew over the moment she saw the state of this young man. She took one of his arms.

"Well? Don't just sit there, Miss Black, grab his arm and help me!"

Her voice always made me snap into action. Immediately I took his arm and stood, helping Madam Pomfrey bring him over to the closest bed and ease him down. Quick as a flash Madam Pomfrey drew the curtains shut around us. I saw her rummaging in the cupboard next to the bed, taking out various bottles and bandages.

This gave me a chance to get a good look at him. His tie told me he was a Gryffindor. He had sandy brown hair and just dusted across his deep brown eyes, which were still half open but unfocused.

Remus Lupin.

What the hell had happened to him?

"Miss Black, you may leave," Madam Pomfrey told me curtly. I made to do just that when Lupin's hand suddenly snapped around my arm tightly. I was yanked back – how could this guy have strength like that when he's half-dead on a hospital bed?

…is he _growling _at me?

"Or perhaps you may not," Madam Pomfrey frowned, watching me try to take my arm back but he wouldn't let go. He was still dazed, and out of it, yet he was holding me there _with one arm! _"Well, if you're going to stay, you're going to be useful."

She says it like I _want _to be here! It's his bloody fault I can't leave, not mine!

Nonetheless, she threw a cool wet rag at me. "Wash his face."

Great. Now I was playing nurse. I frowned but did it anyways. He was covered in sweat, and every breath he took seemed to be a great effort. Blood and dirt crusted his face, but it came away easily enough.

I heard the door open again and Sirius, Potter and Pettigrew practically flew into the room. This wouldn't end well…

"You!" Potter remarked when he caught sight of me. I found myself looking down his wand. "Get away from him, you!"

Let me clarify something. When I said I was quiet, I didn't include Gryffindors.

"Bite me, Potter."

"I mean it! You lay one finger on Moony and so help me I'll-,"

He broke off when I raised my arm so he could see Lupin's long fingers gripping me tightly.

"Now there's a dilemma," Pettigrew remarked. He really was a short fellow. Even _I _was taller than him.

"Make him let go," I demanded. I decided to take a leaf out of Severus' book. "Unless you like me to use…_force…_"

"Alright, that's enough out of all of you!" Madam Pomfrey screeched. "I will not have my patient disturbed by your loud nattering! Mr. Black!"

I didn't know why she'd said his name, but Sirius was already moving forwards at the beckon and to Lupin's other side. He nudged his friend's shoulder.

"Moony," he called. "Loosen your grip a bit, mate."

And miraculously my arm was blissfully free. Was _that _all I'd needed to do? Talk to the guy?

"Now," Potter glared at me. Obviously he thought I was going to start hexing them all at any moment. "Bugger off, would you?"

"With pleasure." I walked past him and Pettigrew, feeling annoyed for some reason. "Git." I added before walking out the door.

I decided to go back to the Slytherin dormitory, since I now definitely needed to change from these blood soaked clothes. Of course, Slytherin just _has _to be in the dungeons…so _so _far away…

It took me forever to get down there. Damn moving stairs. They never liked me. Finally I found myself face to face with the large portrait of Salazaar Slytherin. He stared down at me in a condescending way.

"Mudblood." I said.

"I'm not letting you in looking like _that_," he sneered. My eyebrow ticked – now the _pictures _were out to get me.

"_Mudblood._"

"Having trouble understanding English now, girl?"

"No problem at all. I figured I should give you a final chance to open up before I do to you what I did to the boy that left these bloodstains," I threatened with narrow eyes. Not that the threat was legitimate, I mean – he's a _painting._

To my surprise, he smirked. "No wonder you were placed in my house." And he swung open.

Well.

I should insult paintings more often.

Luckily it was too early in the morning for anyone to be up at this point in time, so the common room was empty. The fire was reduced to embers in the hearth and rays of light flickered in from the window. I walked up the girls' stairwell and into my dormitory, careful not to wake any of my roommates. They were grumpy little snobs in the morning, I'll tell you that.

I changed into a new uniform, since I'd have to get to class in a few hours anyways. Finally, I got the chance to see Mum's letter. Shoving my hand into the bag I fished around for it, before finally grasping a crumpled piece of parchment and pulling it out. I smoothed it against my leg and studied my mother's thin, slanted writing.

_Ivarius – _

_Destroy this once you've read it._

_This is your fifth year at Hogwarts. It was during this year your brother was blessed with the Dark Mark, and we have decided you, too, are ready to be a Death Eater. This year you will come under the Great Dark Lord's control, as dear Regulus has. We will send word of your appointment with him later on in the year. _

_Serve him well._

_Mother._

I stared at the parchment, feeling all colour drain from my face.

Death…Eater?

* * *

"-thus by tapping the animal slowly and gently three times and repeating the exact incantation, your canary shall transfigure itself into a _gold _bell. Now. Does anyone know the incantation? No one?…perhaps you know, Miss Black."

…

"Miss Black?"

…

"_Miss Black!_"

I started. "Y…yes, professor?" I asked, ignoring the snickers around me. McGonagall was giving me a stern look.

"Miss Black, do refrain from daydreaming in my class. I asked you what the incantation for transfiguring your canary would be."

"Oh. _Canarus sonorus, _professor."

"Correct. Five points for Slytherin. Continuing on…"

I sunk down into my seat, shivering. Was the room cold or something? Why couldn't I stop shaking? Becoming a Death Eater was…was an honour, right? I-I should be proud!

Someone nudged me from behind and I jumped again before whipping around.

"What?"

Amber raised an eyebrow at me. "What's wrong with you?" she asked in a whisper. "You've been acting weird all class."

"Nothing's…wrong." I replied in a blank voice. Amber shared a dorm with me. She was a very pretty person, with flawless dark skin and long onyx hair. She and I got along better than I did with most people.

She rolled her eyes. "Rubbish. You look like you've seen a ghost."

"The Bloody Baron did pass by on my way down the hall-,"

"Shut up," Amber snapped. "I'll tell Reg."

"Really? I'm surprised you could make time in between your snogging sessions."

Ha ha. I made her blush. She's my brother's new dish, see.

"What? Is the baby sister overprotective?"

I snorted. "Overprotective my-,"

"Miss Black!"

Oh man. McGonagall tapped her foot impatiently. "_Pay attention._"

"Sorry, professor."

I shut up after that. A mad McGonagall is a dangerous McGonagall. Not long after the bell rang and I found myself wandering through the halls. Was it lunchtime? No…I just had Transfiguration, and it's a…_Tuesday…_so it's dinner. Wow. Already?

"It's dangerous to wander around with your head in the clouds."

I jumped for the third time in an hour and whipped around. "S-Severus," I stuttered out. "You – don't sneak up on me like that!"

He snorted. "I wasn't sneaking. You weren't paying attention."

"W-well…I've been, um, pre-preoccupied." When he raised an eyebrow, I quickly added, "W-with homework."

"You got a letter from your mother."

Ah, bloody hell. I forgot about Occlumency. "S…don't go in my head, it creeps me out," I _hated _it when people go through my head.

Plus there was the problem of Severus actually finding out that I was…I don't know…apprehensive?…about becoming a Death Eater. He _is _a Death Eater.

"This is about getting the Dark Mark, is it not?"

"How do you – it is not!"

"Oh really?" he questioned silkily. "Regulus was branded in fifth year. So was I. So was Lucius."

"Is that right, _Snivellus?_"

People keep on sneaking up on me! Severus had his wand out in a millisecond as four Gryffindors made their appearance from the corridor to my left. I was far too flustered to get my wand. Sirius, Potter, Pettigrew and – Lupin? He's out of the Hospital Wing already? But – but he was so beaten up yesterday! And he looked so…_exhausted! _

"What do you want, Black?" Severus snarled.

Sirius gasped, putting a hand over his heart. "Why, Snivelly, I'm hurt! I thought we were the best of friends!"

Potter sniffed. "Yeah, Snivellus! How could you betray our trust like that?"

Ugh. Gryffindors.

Pettigrew clapped his hands delightedly. Amused, Black smirked.

"I could have sworn he said we'd have a slumber party tonight, isn't that right, Prongs?"

"Sure is, Padfoot." Potter's smile was decidedly evil. "We were going to have some…_fun._"

I really hated them for picking on Severus. He wasn't that bad a person once you got to know him. As in, after hanging out with him for five years. If it was any other person at this point, I would have done something about it. But Severus had made it painfully clear that I was never to help. To interfere.

It was some kind of pride…thing.

I watched unhappily as the first hexes were fired. Severus was a brilliant wizard, but he was so _stiff _when he was dueling. Especially against the Marauders. Sirius and Potter, on the other hand, were relaxed and casual. Because it was all a game to –

"_Silencio_."

Someone grabbed me from behind. I tried to speak, but the silence spell had stolen my voice. I was forcefully dragged down another empty hall.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Angrily I struggled against my kidnapper and even managed to elbow him. He grunted and let me go for a split second during which I was able to snatch my wand. I struggled around, even though his grip was painful, before I was abruptly let go.

I pointed my wand at him even as I fell on my butt.

Remus Lupin looked back at me with a slight smile.

SMILING? Why is he smiling? We'll see how much he's smiling when I hex off some of his more valuable parts –

"_Petrificus totalus._"

bloody hell.

He knelt down, removed my wand, and stuck it inside his robes before lifting the hex. I tried to speak but damn it it's so _frustrating _to have no voice! Hell! He grabbed my arms and began pulling me down the hall. Even when I punched him he just kept walking. After walking for about five minutes and I was still trying to body slam him, he sighed heavily.

"Stop that," he flicked my hand away from his ear, which I was attempting to rip off. "This would be easier if you calmed down-,"

I attempted to kick him in a rather delicate area. He grabbed my leg and forced me to hobble through an unlocked door that I could have _sworn _wasn't there before. He shut the door and grabbed me by my shoulders before I could attempt some sort of bad karate move on him.

"Sit down," he began. I mouthed a few rather colourful curses at him and he applied pressure on my shoulders. I felt my knees buckle. For a moment tried to stay standing but finally I succumbed and collapsed into a warm chair.

Damn Gryffindor. Did he have to be so strong? _Stupid…_

And I'd just like to know _how _he healed so fast. I mean, Madam Pomfrey is good, but…_that _good? Most certainly not.

It was about that time I realised I was not sitting in an empty classroom as I first thought. It was a cozy little living room, with a blazing fireplace, a couch a coffee table – which I was sitting at – and two other cozy little chairs like mine.

The door banged open and Potter strut in with a satisfactory grin on his face, soon followed by Pettigrew and Sirius.The door shut behind them. Lupin lowered himself into a seat, watching Peter jump onto the couch.

I groaned loudly, which was fine since no one could hear me. What were they going to do? Maybe I could jump Lupin, somehow knock him out, take my wand and –

"Hey." A hand was waved infront of my face. I blinked a few times and looked up at Sirius. "We've got to chat, sister dear."

"Silencing Charm, Sirius."

"Oh." Sirius grinned and caught the wand – MY wand – thrown to him by Lupin. I glared at Lupin. He was mean, dragging an innocent girl all the way out here to – I don't even know what kind of room this is, for crying out loud.

Well, now he lifted the silencing charm but I kept my mouth shut.

"_Never speak to that mutt of a boy again. He is no longer family."_

Sirius pulled up a chair and sat down infront of me. He slouched in it, completely relaxed and lazily hooked one leg over its arm. He dangled my – _my _wand infront of me. I snatched for it but he yanked it back.

"Ah ah ah," he began. "You want it back? Co operate."

"You haven't asked anything yet," I snapped.

"Always knew you were the smart one," he replied easily. Man, I can't even insult him.

"Is there a reason I'm here? You need money or something?"

"Slightly higher on the importance scale, sis." Sirius answered. It occurred to me that none of the other Marauders were joking around or really saying anything at all. He scooted his chair until he was sitting infront of me. He actually sat up, resting his elbows on his knees and staring at me.

Wow. His eyes are kind of scary.

Sirius cocked his head a little. "Lemme see your arm."

I don't get it. "Wha – my _arm?_"

He was still giving me that funny look. This wasn't right. I knew Sirius. The only time Sirius was ever…_serious_ was when he and Mum argued about –

I slumped back into my seat, sighing slowly and passed a hand over my face. Shit…

"I knew it," Pettigrew declared.

"I'm not a Death Eater," I muttered.

Well, let me tell you the Marauders are _deaf _when they want to be.

"I _told _you," Potter gave Sirius a pointed look. "I _told _you! But _nooo_, _we have to make sure, _you said-,"

"Hello, I just said I'm not-,"

"_90 chance she isn't, _you said-,"

"You're ranting, Prongs," Lupin interrupted.

"Well what do we do now?" Pettigrew demanded. "I mean, we can't just let a Death Eater go-,"

For crying out loud – "_I'm not a Death Eater!_" I snapped. They shut up and looked at me. Oops…

"You're not?" Sirius repeated.

They were all _looking _at me…I sunk deeper into my chair and looked at a particularly interesting spot on the ceiling. "Well…no."

Sirius broke out into a grin. "That's good," he decided, leaning back into his chair.

Wow…somebody's actually _happy _I'm not a Death Eater. I don't know why that made me feel good…I mean, I _want _to work for the Dark Lord, don't I?

Yes! Yes I do! Yeah!

"Why do you care, anyways?" I mumbled. "I'm _going _to be."

"Now there's the snag, Ivy," he cocked his head a little. "Dear old Mum sent you a letter, didn't she?"

If Reggie ever found out I was talking to Sirius he would shun me for life.

"What's it to you?"

"Dear dear, is that an _attitude? _Why, my fingers may just _slip _on your lovely wand here and _snap_ - !"

"Alright, yes! She sent me a letter yesterday! Git…"

"Yesterday," he repeated, running a hand through his hair. "Okay. Yeah. So listen." He gave me a look I hadn't seen since we last lived together. "You are _not _becoming a Death Eater."

That startled me. "What?"

"You're not becoming a Death Eater." He repeated.

"I am so," I stated indignantly.

He snorted. "Are not,"

"_Am so,_"

"Are not!"

Ah ha, he's getting' mad. "Am _so._"

His eyes flared. "As long as I'm here you're not!"

"And what exactly do you propose I do? Run away like you did?"

"Yes!"

Bloody hell, the moron. "And what do you propose I do _then_? Live with a friend?" I leant forward, give him a pointed look. "_Who are my friends, Sirius?_"

He opened his mouth to retaliate, then faulted. Yeah, that's right. Use that empty head of yours, you prat.

"Severus would be _real _welcoming to let a 'traitor' into his house. And we all know the Malfoy family would just welcome me with _open arms. _Not to mention the fact that I don't _want _to disappoint my friends-,"

"Merlin, this isn't about disappointing your friends, or our parents!" he snapped.

I can safely say I never, ever want to be on the receiving end of Sirius' anger again. It was even worse than watching him and Mum yell at eachother. I could feel the colour drain out of my face.

"You're ready to kill other people, Ivy? Do you actually think you can do an Unforgivable Curse? Well? _Do you?_"

Dammit. Is there a 'maybe' option? I can't retaliate to him when he's yelling at me like that. I don't talk to him for _ever _and now we're here having the argument of a lifetime.

But he doesn't understand…

I stared down at my feet, not having the courage to stand up to him.

"What…I…_know _what the Dark Lord is like. It's all I ever hear about." I took a deep breath. "But I'm not like you. I'm not a Gryffindor. I'm in Slytherin. I _hear _every Death Eater plot. I know things that no one other than a Death Eater should know. If I _don't _work for him, what do you think he'd do to someone whom he knows is well-informed about his operations?"

I was now trying not to cry. This…I-I was pathetic. But at the same time, this was the first time I was realising all this. Voldemort would kill me if I didn't join him. He'd _kill me…_

"I don't want to _die, _Sirius…"

He looked as if someone had slapped him. For a second he just stood there – at some point he'd stood up – attempting to speak but not quite making any coherent words. Finally he sighed.

"Mum's a hopeless case," he muttered. "And she dragged Regulus down with her. I couldn't help him. But I _will _help you. And you _will not _become a Death Eater. Got it?"

He can't help me. I know he can't. It's nice that he actually cares when all this time I thought he didn't, but really. What can he possibly do about it? I won't let down my family.

And I'm terrified of dying.

* * *


	3. Sugar Quills and Idiot Brothers

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* * *

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Sugar Quills and Idiot Brothers

Ooookay.

Stir counter clockwise three times…tap inside of glass once…stir clockwise for thiry seconds –

"Still haven't got it, have you?"

"Shut up, Lucius," I muttered without taking my eyes off the page. Do not break concentration. Do not break concentration. Do not break –

"That isn't the colour it should be turning-,"

I snapped my head up to glare at Severus. "You know what, Mr. _Potions Master, I_ am the Charms girl, alright…and…I…"

He was smirking at me.

I looked at the goblet of water I'd been stirring with my wand and groaned softly. It had turned clear again. I'd broken my stupid concentration.

I glared at the both of them. Sitting across from me…plotting to ruin my life…the seventh year thing is getting to their heads.

"You want me to finish this spell or not?" I grumbled. My quill was still poised over the margin of page fifty-two in Severus' All-Mighty Potions book. It was like our resource book. Severus and Lucius had a knack for creating new or better potions and spells. They showed me how to experiment in third year. We've been writing all our creations in Severus' Potions books, because he's the most inventive of us.

"Go on, then," Lucius waved a hand as if he were royalty. I rolled my eyes. No longer needing the notes, I propped my elbow on the table and rested my head in my palm. The ceiling was imitating rain above us. I stuck my wand into the water again and stirred three times counter clockwise, tapped the glass, and began stirring clockwise.

The water began to bleed a different colour. It swirled around the bottom of the glass before catching in the small vortex my wand was creating and spreading through the rest of the liquid until it was a cloudy blue. My stirring dramatically slowed.

"_Vinerum._"

I removed my wand and the substance cleared to an amber-like colour. The goblet was warm when I picked it up.

"There." I stated triumphantly. "Butterbeer."

"Really." Severus sounded just a little skeptic. "Drink it then."

"Fine, I will." I frowned at him in irritance before lifting the glass to my lips.

…

"Correction," I stated, setting the goblet down slowly. "_Alcoholic _butterbeer."

"Brilliant," Lucius reached over and took the goblet before chugging it down.

…that can't be good for his spleen. No – wait. Kidney. No! Liver…or…something?

Shaking my head, I looked back down at my notes and made sure to add '_alcoholic_' in cramped letters. Beautiful. Illegal beverages. Dumbledore will _love _me.

Well anyways, it's been a week since my little confrontation with big bad brother Sirius. I haven't told anyone, and I try not to think about it while I'm in the same room as Mr. Occlumens over there because he's always _reading my mind _and never telling me.

Off subject. Sorry.

So, Sirius is being weird. As in, whenever I'm alone, he pops up out of no where and tries to strike up some kind of friendly conversation. The other Marauders, I am happy to say, are staying away. I'll tell you, those guys are always together. It's weird seeing Sirius on his own, I mean, he's as much of a player as Regulus. He should be out snogging somebody. All his friends are, I think. The curly-haired girl (still don't know her name, but she's _still _following me…and calling me Ive…) was blabbering how Sirius was going out with Rose something-or-other while Lupin was going with out with Kelsey Jane or Paine or Staine…I think, and Potter was hooked up with a red head. I could never remember her name, but I know her face. Pettigrew…I think he's the only one without a girlfriend at this point, and its probably because he's too shy. Or at least that's what the curly-haired girl thinks.

I told Reg about getting the Dark Mark and he's ecstatic. Lucius just smirked at me and Severus already knew so that was no big deal.

I just thought of something. Ink poisoning. What if I get ink poisoning? Can that kill you? Can you even _get _ink poisoning from a tattoo?

Um…can I call in sick?

But then again. I don't really have any goal to aspire to after school. And the Dark Lord hates mudbloods. So what if he wants to kill them off? I hate flying – I'd really be fine with burning every broomstick ever made. Or maybe it's heights I don't like – I can't even _watch _a Quidditch game from the high stands. But can you kill heights?

…nah.

On another note – that room Lupin dragged me into? _I can't find it. _I know this school is weird and all, but can a room just disappear? _Well? _

It surprised me when someone suddenly occupied the seat next to me. I looked up from Severus' book, on which I had been unconsciously doodling, to stare at another Slytherin girl.

She looked familiar. What was her name again?

"Hi there." She greeted me with a smart smile. I could hear giggles from farther down the table.

She was in my year, right? Did she want something? "…hi."

"So. How are you doing?"

Okay…not a Slytherinish question…I chanced a glance at Severus and Lucius. Lucius' boredom had caused him to open up his DADA book, while Sev was slowly sipping his pumpkin juice while his dark eyes watched the girl. Come on I _know _her name…

"Fine." I answered, my voice turning quiet. She was a stranger to me. I was uncomfortable with strangers.

"Oh, that's nice," she drawled lazily. Now _that _was more like a Slytherin. She reached a goblet infront of her, obviously not realising it was smoking. I noticed, though, and shot a glare at Severus. He was already looking away, wand disappearing back into the folds of his cloak.

"U-um, you don't want to drink tha-,"

Too late. She drank it.

I winced as she fainted. Professor Slughorn was on us in a millisecond.

"What's going on here?"

Quiet, Professor, I'm trying to glare a hole in Severus Snape. Glare. Glare. Glaaaare –

Slughorn waved his wand over the girl and she woke with a start before scrambling up, glaring at me. She didn't seem to realise Slughorn was standing there, as she pointed her wand at me.

"_Expel-_,"

'_Silencio.' _

And thus she was silenced. That was cool. I didn't think it'd actually work. Hexing without speaking was a few years ahead of my level.

"Miss Black!" Oh. Yes. Of _course _it's my fault. "Detention, tonight at eight o'clock in my office and ten points from Slytherin. Don't be late!"

He stomped back to the Head Table. The girl stormed back to her seat further down the table. I resumed glaring at Severus. He raised an eyebrow.

"Whatever is that expression for, Ivarius?"

HE JUST FRAMED ME! Bloody hell…this is what I have to put up with…

I made a frustrated sound and stood up. "You – I – _evil_-,"

"How very articulate."

"_Shut it!_" I hate detention with Slughorn. He is by far the most annoying man I have ever –

"IVY!" Regulus shouted as he jumped on me from behind.

– I stand corrected.

However, I must refrain from killing him. Mum would have a fit.

"What?" I asked.

"I want a Sugar Quill." He begged.

"I want a thousand galleons."

"Oh come on," he bartered. "You've got a _huge _stash of them and you can't possibly eat them all."

"Oh really?" I pulled one of my revered Sugar Quills and stuck it's tip in my mouth, watching his expression as I taunted him. "Mm…"

He looked ready to hex me. "A galleon," he bit out.

I sneered. One? Ha. "Ten."

"Two."

"Six."

"Three."

"Five."

"Fine," he grumbled, pulling out five galleons from his pocket. I tossed him another Sugar Quill from my pocket and wandered past, but not before glaring once again at Severus and making a cutting motion with my finger across my neck.

The Half-Blood Prince is going down.

We are ignoring the fact that he is far better at dueling than me.

Well anyways, you're probably confused about the whole Sugar Quill thing. Reg and I are addicted to Sugar Quills. However, every time he goes to Hogsmeade, Reg ends up eating all his purchases in one night. I, however, have been accumulating a huge amount of the precious treat ever since Dad bought me one when I was ten.

I could have fed a small country with all the Sugar Quills I've got. And no one _ever _gets a Quill for free. I'm quite cheap.

The halls were pretty quiet as I wandered through them, bored and not really having anything to do. I'm too much of a procrastinator to do my homework, and there's not much entertainment inside, so I might as well go out.

It was dreary outside, but not as cold as I'd expected it to be. There were some people out and about, chatting and wandering around, but it was mainly bereft of students. I began walking boredly, not really paying attention and decided to wander around the lake. The Sugar Quill I sucked on was heavenly.

So. More on this Death Eater buisness. Yes, I am thinking about it a lot. Maybe too much? Is it normal to feel nervous and doubtful?

Why am I questioning this, anyways? Regulus didn't. Mum didn't Generations of Black purebloods long before my time didn't.

But…Sirius did.

Sirius, somehow, got it into his brain that everything our family stood for was wrong. Was impure. Was evil. My most vivid memories of childhood involve the times I would sit at the top of the stairs in our home, listening to the harsh yells and insults and swears Sirius and Mum threw at eachother from the living room. Lots of times I would hear the sound of glass and other things breaking.

I remember being in the living room once, playing with a new doll, when Lucius visited. All the adults were in the kitchen and I was alone and oblivious when shouts started. And swearing started. Stifled 'bangs' and yelps and screams. The two of them were muggle-fighting, and it lead straight into the living room. No where was safe at that point. Sirius threw Lucius into the couch, which I had been hiding behind, and it nearly fell on me. I hid under the table until Mum came in and separated them. Sirius was on the ground, panting, and Lucius left. I had no idea what had been going on, and was about to move from my hiding place when Mum took out her wand, pointed it at Sirius, and said '_crucio'_.

I'd never heard someone scream the way Sirius screamed then. He was writhing on the floor as if flames were attacking him from every side. It lasted for only a few mintues before Mum lifted it, sneered at Sirius, and left without a word.

It had _terrified _me. Without another thought I'd started crying. I remember Sirius' expression when he found my hiding place and realised I'd been there the entire time.

'Oh no,' he'd groaned, more to himself then me. He'd held his arms out to me. 'Ivy, I…come here…please…'

I did. I had latched onto him and refused to let go, terrified that if I did, he might start screaming again.

I think that might've been when my insecurity began. I was no longer sure about my morals. I was no longer completely sure of everything my parents told me.

Well, I was going to do it whether I wanted to or not. The ulterior option is betraying my friends and overall getting killed. That doesn't sound friendly, thank you. It would be bad enough if I was hated by my family – I know what they can do to blood-traitors, as they're called. And my friends…they'd rip me apart.

A cold breeze brought me back to earth. I realised that my feet had lead me to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. I stopped, staring into the dark territory. It was silent and still, but that's the worst kind of darkness.

I wonder what's in there…?

"Bark!"

I jumped about a foot in the air and whipped around with my wand out, Sugar Quill still sticking out of my mouth. A _huge _dog was sitting there. I looked at it skeptically, slowly replacing my wand in its place.

"Huh." Didn't know there were dogs in the forest. That…_is _a dog, right? I-it's not a – a wolf or anything?

Uh oh. What if it has rabies?

"Nice…dog. Stay."

As if a wild dog would listen to me. I let out a startled yell when it – he, actually – jumped on me.

NO! I DON'T WANT RABIES!

Instead of attacking me, however, the big dog was licking me to death.

"Mrow?"

Oh, _beautiful. _A cat.

The big dog yipped excitedly and bounded off me, taking off after the tiny black kitten that had been sitting on a fallen log. Poor kitty. I used to have a cat when I was little, until Sirius decided to see if cats could land on their feet from five stories up.

Never let that go, either. Evil brother.

I sat up, staring over at the place where the dog had disappeared. I swear, it was _gigantic_…maybe it ate stereroids once.

"Ivy!"

Alright, maybe I'm just a jumpy person. I yelped as Regulus appeared in front of me. Then again his aim probably _had _been to scare the hell out of me.

Well, I was so startled, my had slipped and I fell into the lake. Water filled my lungs – cold water. I could feel myself sinking like a rock. I can't swim worth a damn. Suddenly, one of the Giant Squid's tentacles wrapped around my body and lifted me back through the water to the surface. I gasped for air as I was replaced on the edge of the lake, coughing up loads of water.

"Ivy!" Regulus grabbed me by the shoulders. "Ivy, are you alright? Speak to me! Come on, I'm sorry!"

I raised my head to glare at him. "Reg-u-lus _Black_," I spat, breathing heavily.

He paled. In a millisecond he'd turned tail and run. I stood and bolted after him. Of course, I didn't have any intention of _hurting _him…

"_I'm going to kill you, you git!_"

…much.

"Come on! I said I was sorry!"

I tripped on seemingly nothing, took the hint and stumbled to a halt. A Tripping Hex. Severus wandered up from behind me, smirking.

"No," he told me. My jaw dropped.

"But he just-,"

"You can't kill, maim, castrate or permanently injure him."

Darn it. Regulus, noticing I wasn't chasing him any more, jogged back to us, laughing nervously.

"Thank Merlin Snape's on my side," he said in relief, running a hand through his hair.

Snape almost rolled his eyes. "I'm not on your side." He pointed his wand at Regulus. "_Wingardium leviosa._"

Regulus floated up until Severus deposited him at the top of a tree. I laughed, then realised my Sugar Quill was gone. Merlin, that one had been good, too…

I felt something tap my head and blinked. Instantly I was nice and dry, not to mention warm and tingly. Severus then replaced his wand in his cloak.

"HEY! LET ME DOWN FROM HERE, SNAPE!"

I laughed again. Seeing my brother strung in a tree was just too amusing.

"It's getting dark," Severus murmured, looking up at the sky. "We should g-," his speech stopped abruptly. I saw his hand travel to his left forearm. When he noticed me looking, his hand dropped back to his side. Without another word he turned and looked up at my brother.

"Regulus!"

Regulus had also stopped his antics. He quickly and skillfully climbed down the tree, jumped some five feet from the ground and landed gracefully. He joined us quickly and flashed me a smile.

"Gotta go, Ive," he mock saluted me. I glowered at him – _my name is not Ive. _Severus nodded curtly to me and the two of them turned and walked straight into the Forbidden Forest.

I sighed to myself before glancing back at the castle. It had gotten dark enough that the windows stood out, illuminated as they were. It was nice to look at. And as long as I stayed away from Hagrid's hut, it was most likely I could stay out here for a bit yet.

Well, that was my plan until somebody ran into my back. Startled, I whipped around with my wand out, but it was too dark to see anybody.

"_Lumos,_" I muttered. The tip of my wand then illuminated the face of Peter Pettigrew.

I frowned a little at him. He nervously wandered back a few steps.

"You shouldn't be out here."

He squeaked. Jumpy little Gryffindor…I've got to wonder how he got into that house in the first place.

"S-sorry, I-I-I'll just be o-on my way, then-,"

"Wormtail! Who's that with you?"

I raised my wand as someone jogged towards us. It was Potter, who was followed by Lupin, who was with a girl I didn't recognise. But she was a Gryffindor, I could tell that much.

Potter came to a halt next to us and stared at me. "Black? What are you doing out here?"

"Standing. I also appear to be inhaling and exhaling, but those big words may hurt your brain."

Aaand there's his wand. "Enough of this," he growled at me. "You've been too much of a hassle lately and it's time you figured out I'm not going to give you a break just because you're a girl."

Ooh, I'm getting shivers.

"Go ahead, Potter. Amuse me. Let's see how well you do in the dark."

And my wand went out. By this point it was pitch black out, but just for my own benefit I cast a Disillusionment Charm on myself. Then I turned and, as quietly as I could, began walking away.

Like I was _actually _stupid enough to fight alone in the dark against not only Potter, but probably the others if things got bad enough.

There was light behind me. Someone else must have lit their wand. But when Potter couldn't find me, he let out quite the slew of curses.

I heard a new voice. "You look a tad frustrated, Prongs."

"It's – bloody hell – your sister – _argh_-,"

"Ivy's here? Where?"

I couldn't help it. "It's _Ivarius _to you," I grunted, lifting the charm.

Sirius' face lit up when he saw me. I watched him place something on the ground and next second he was chasing after me. "Ivy!"

Bloody hell. From one idiot brother to the next…

"No," I began sharply, dodging his attempt to grab me. "No – stop it – _bad _Sirius –,"

I tripped on someone. Sirius tackled me. Thus we were now dogpiling Lupin. He groaned.

"Padfoot," he muttered. "Get off me."

Sirius smirked at him. "Make me."

I felt the other boy sigh heavily. It was amusing how he could totally ignore my presence. Sirius snickered.

"Alright, alright." The moment he was off me, and I was beginning to get up, someone pointed their wand at me. It was that girl.

"Get – your filthy hands – off my boyfriend," she hissed.

If I was a bolder being when it came to strangers, I would have _politely _pointed out that my hands were, in fact, not touching any part of her boyfriend.

She was pointing a wand at me, however. For some reason, I felt more threatened by her than Potter. I still had my wand in my hand, which was at my side, and studied what I could see of her face, thinking.

Was it worth attacking her?

…no. I had no reason. Instead I simply shrugged and got off Lupin completely, stuck my wand back in my pocket, and began walking back towards the castle.

I didn't have to say goodbye, because I'm pretty sure none of them would care.

Anyways, back in my toasty warm commonroom, not many people were awake. I think there was only two. Instead of going to bed, however, I sat down on the couch infront of the fire and relaxed. Every night the boys went out, I waited for them to return.

I was only sitting there for about ten minutes before the huge black dog from the forest trotted up to me. I stared at it, shocked.

"How did you get here…?"

He had something in his mouth, which he then chose to deposit on my lap. I looked at the black ball of fur as it slowly uncurled itself to look up at me with blue eyes.

"Mrow."

The…cat? Wait, wait. I looked back up at the dog.

A dog is giving me a cat!

"What kind of dog are you?" I muttered, gingerly reaching out to pat his head. His tail wagged.


	4. Confusion Comes Far Too Easily

**I don't own Harry Potter. Surprise, surprise. -- --;;

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Confusion Comes Far Too Easily

"IVARIUS BLACK!"

Mwahahahaha…

Really, he should've figured out by now I'm not above petty little pranks like this.

I raced through the busy corridors, neatly brushing past people and _quite _proud that I hadn't run into anyone yet. You see, I was being chased by an orange-haired git, also known as Lucius Malfoy.

This was far too amusing. Or – it _was _– until I found myself at the moving stairs.

Damn.

"_Ivarius!_"

Okay, he only calls me that when he's mad. So. I can either face him like a man, or try my luck on the stairs. Lucius…stairs….Lucius…stairs…

Oh, to hell with it. I'm not a man anyways. I bolted down the stairs only to run into –

"Miss Black."

"Pr…professor McGonagall," I greeted, panting faintly. She eyed my dirty attire – I'd fallen in a rather large pile of mud outside. By fallen I mean Lucius pushed me. Thus his vivid new hair colour.

"Clean yourself up, Miss Black." She said sternly before brushing past.Wow…that was it? Must be my lucky day.

I could hear Lucius coming and urgently opened the first door on my right before zooming in. I left it slightly ajar and peered through, watching the tall seventh year storm past, cursing under his breath.

"IVARIUS!"

Ha. You can run, I can flee, and you'll never catch me…

Little song I picked up.

Once I was sure he was gone, I relaxed. Ah…revenge. So –

"I-Ivy," a breathless voice behind me murmured.

I suddenly feel foreboding. Lots…and lots…of foreboding. Slowly I turned around and me fears were assured.

I'd walked in on a rather…_private _fiasco. Remus Lupin, whom I seemed to be seeing more and more of lately, had his hands on the hips of the girl who'd confronted me a few days ago. Her arms were around his neck and they both appeared rather breathless.

Now, some people may react to embarrasment by going red, or stuttering, or, you know, something normal like that. I, however, make an utter idiot of myself because when I'm nervous, I start laughing.

Laughed. My. Head. Off. I had to hold onto the wall to stand up straight. I felt so embarrassed to be laughing at a time like this.

"I'm s-sorry," I finally got out. "I'll leave now – sorry-,"

And I practically fell out the door.

* * *

"Let go!"

"Why?"

"_Because! _It's lunchtime…anyone could-,"

"See us?" Sirius scoffed at me. "You forget who you're talking to."

"...a lunatic…"

"Heard that."

I sighed. "Where are we going?" I muttered in defeat.

He grinned triumphantly. "I thought of somebody who can help us."

I stared at him as he continued to drag me down the hall. He was still stuck on that? Why the sudden interest in me, I must ask?

When Sirius stopped dragging me – and in the process successfully dislocating my arm – I looked up at a gargoyle guarding a spiral staircase.

"Oh no," I said quickly. I do _not _want to get expelled. "No. No no no no-,"

"Butterbeer," Sirius said to the gargoyle. It jumped out of the way. He dragged me up the steps. "Come on, will you stop that?"

"_Not _going to see him. No. Nope. No way."

"And why the bloody hell not?"

"I don't want to be expelled-,"

"_Expelled? _If I thought he was going to expel you, d'you think I would have brought you?"

"Well, I don't know, Sirius," I replied, glaring a little at him. "You haven't even _glanced _my way for the past seven years and suddenly you're always around-,"

"I'm not about to lose the last person that matters to me to that _snake, _am I?"

"_Matter _to you? Oh, I see. You _run away _from the people who _matter _to you and leave them to rot, eh?"

"Miss and Mr. Black," interrupted a soft voice. We both looked towards Dumbledore's closed door. "Perhaps you should come in?"

I hesitated, but Sirius had already sighed, moved past me and opened the door. And pushed me in.

Dumbledore was sitting in his desk. He was always there, every time I've ever been in his office. Sirius almost forced me into a chair but I sat down myself. Now that I was here there was no point moving.

Dumbledore steepled his fingers and smiled at us. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" he asked pleasantly.

"It's about my sister, professor," Sirius began. "She…" he trailed of, as if it was difficult to form the words.

I met Dumbledore's gaze as he watched me with gentle eyes. "This is your…fifth year at Hogwart's, isn't it, Miss Black?"

I nodded. He nodded thoughtfully. "I believe I see your predicament, Miss Black. And I can understand your position on the subject," he added when I opened my mouth. He leant back in his chair, thoughtful.

Wait – he _knows? _He – he knows there are Death Eaters residing in his own school and he doesn't do anything about it?

"Hm. Sirius, what are your-?"

"I won't let her become one of them," he said heatedly. Oh, right. How's he going to stop me? "She doesn't have the heart to kill anyone – she doesn't believe in his bloody ideals, and I'll be damned if I lose another-,"

"Sirius," Dumbledore interrupted in soft rebuke. You tell him, Dumbledore. "I understand." He paused, looking between me and my brother. "However, Ivarius, I am sorry to say there is no way for you to avoid this."

I know. Sirius is the one who won't accept this. And, right on que, the Gryffindor stood up.

"No! I won't let her!"

Yes, that's right. Go on speaking like she isn't sitting right next to you. Git.

Dumbledore probably didn't have many students with the courage – or stupidity – to yell at him, but he didn't seem all that angry or even shaken. I don't think he blinked. I abruptly realised the complete and utter silence of the room, even from the pictures above us.

"You won't?" Dumbledore implored in so soft a voice I could barely hear it. "Do you want to sheild her so badly from the unfortunate crimes of this world that you would instead, perhaps, have her hidden for the rest of her life?"

His hands clenched. "No! I-,"

"We are in dangerous times, I'm sorry to say, Sirius," Dumbledore explained with patience. "And sadly enough there is little I can do. Ivarius has accepted her fate, as you will eventually. However…" he paused, looking from him to me. "…you are aware, perhaps, that Voldemort is a Legilimens?"

I nodded.

"Then you will understand that you cannot associate yourself with Sirius or any other 'blood traitors' and so on?"

…oh.

Dumbledore caught my expression but smiled just a little. "Yet, even though in my old age I seem to be losing a bit of my wit, I think I have given Voldemort the slip on one miniscule point."

Eh? What's he on about? I watched with curiousity as the old man reached into one of the lower drawers of his desk to pull out a tiny bottle.

"Miss Black, are you familiar with the term 'Pensieve'?"

* * *

They can't _possibly _think this will work.

I began banging my head unenthusiastically but repetetively against the beech tree. It was one of the last days that we wouldn't have snow, I think. October was halfway through. Maybe it'll snow for Hallowe'en?

Off subject. I need to _stay _on subject.

Well, I'm going to make my own Pensieve. In this little bottle, I'll store all the memories I don't want Voldemort to see. Memories that could be dangerous tidbits of information used against myself, my friends or the Order of the Phoenix. Yes, I know what the Order is. Regulus is always griping about it.

And then Sirius just decided to _let slip _that Mum trained us from youth about Occlumency, even though I very hardly use it.

And now they want me to use it when confronting other Death Eaters and the Dark Lord himself! _Do they actually think I could pull that off? _

I sighed heavily, pulling up the sleeve of my cloak to look at my bare skin. No Dark Mark. Well – yet, anyways. I realise, however, after talking to Dumbledore, how dire the situation is. There is no getting out of it. There is no hope of _not _becoming a Death Eater.

I'm going to have to become a con artist. And a bloody good one if I want to live to graduate. And I have to be a good Death Eater. I have to become _awesome _at dueling, when right now I'm just, y'know, average.

Oh man.

Am I betraying my family?

I raked a hand through my hair. I'd taken a bath, and so had it down to let it dry…then again, that probably wasn't a good idea in this weather.

Next week would be Hallowe'en. I liked the decorations that Dumbledore put up in the Great Hall, though they wouldn't be there until Monday, I think.

_Snap!_

What was that? Huh? What? Where? I sat up quickly and looked around. Finding no source for the noise, I slowly slid back onto the grass and stared up at the full moon. Tilting my head, I looked over at the lake and watched the moonlight hit its surface. I really shouldn't be out late, but this is my favourite place to think.

Think…think…_think…_

All I'm worried about is being found out by the Dark Lord. And what I'll have to _do _as a Death Eater. Severus never lets Regulus tell me the exact details of their missions, but I _know _they use the Unforgivable Curses.

What's Severus' deal, anyways? He _never _lets me in when it comes to all his dark Death Eaterish doings. A lot of the time only he will be called for a meeting and/or mission, but he won't speak a word of it to me.

I started as I heard a long howl.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Alright, so I'm a jumpy person. I admit it. Fine. But _what made that noise?_

"Black?"

I sat up quickly and twisted around to see…

…Potter?

He was pale, and seemed momentarily rooted to the spot. I saw he was panting, as if just running a long distance.

Oh great. Did I run into _him _snogging, too?

"Bloody hell," James muttered. He looked completely unhinged. Another howl made him snap back into action.

"You shouldn't be here," he said quickly. He grabbed my arm and hauled me up.

"Hey!" I protested. "Wh – what are you-,"

"Just – shut up!" James commanded quickly, moving me almost as forcefully as Lupin had a month ago. Except he had gone with a different strategy by standing behind me and steering me by the shoulders to Hogwarts.

"But-," I shivered as another howl sounded, this time accompanied by barks. "But what's making that n-,"

He shoved me in the front doors of the school and slammed them shut. I stared at the beautifully handcrafted wood blankly for a second.

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN?

I felt a hand clamp down on my shoulder in an iron grip.

Uh oh.

Slowly, I turned to find Severus standing there, his face white with anger.

"Out playing, were you?" he said in a voice so dangerously soft it made my insides squirm.

"Severus-,"

"Go to the common room." He said, still in that soft hiss. "I will be there soon."

I hesitated.

"_Now!_"

Okay! Going! Going! With a small squeak I walked as quickly as I could from him without running. Merlin, he was scary sometimes. And what was with Potter? Why did he shove me into the school? The Marauders must be making some sort of prank and he was afraid I'd set it off or something. Right?

But he did look awful scared. I wouldn't think James Potter would be that worried about one of his pranks…unless it was dangerous.

I walked into the common room. There were a few people here and there – I spotted Lucius sitting on the couch. I walked over andsat down with Salem, my new cat. There was a tiny silver bell around Salem's neck, strung in a dark green ribbon – Amber's idea. Narcissa, my cousin who's in Reggie's year, wanted to charm Salem's fur to shimmer silver, but I didn't want to hurt the poor cat's dignity.

The huge dog who delivered this kitten to me hasn't been back since, and I can't say it worries me. The thing was _huge. _It was very…intimidating. I don't think I'd be able to ward it off if it tried to chase me down.

I felt a hand on my head. "Sister, dear," Reggie greeted, taking a seat next to Lucius and slumping in it lazily. I was strongly reminded of Sirius.

"Shouldn't you two be with your girlfriends?" I asked.

They both made a face. "Girl's night."

Oh, that's right. Wednesday was Girl's Night. I wasn't that into it, but a bunch of Slytherin girls all got together and had some fun. Traded makeup concotions and love potions and discussed their latest snogs and shags with the men of the House. I'd sat in one time, but it wasn't really one of those things were I can just observe. They made me give my opinion on all these funny things I'd never really wondered over before, like what sort of Foundation Charm I used and if it was better than the one some other girl was using.

They mercilessly interrogated me that night, and I fear I shall never be the same.

Salem perked up when Severus entered through the potrait-hole and stalked over to us. I wonder – has Sev ever had a girlfriend? Definitely none that I can remember…poor Severus. No one, not even most of the other Slytherins, takes the time to get to know him. It's mostly because everyone knows he's the one that the Marauders love to bash in. I pity him, but there's nothing he'll let me do. I've _tried. _And he _hexed me. _

There was a sinking feeling in my stomach when he stopped infront of me. I sunk a little lower in my seat, even though I _still _didn't know why he was mad. I felt the temperatue of the room drop a few degrees as Lucius and Regulus fell silent.

Severus' dark eyes – which were actually brown, I'd stared at him _really _close once and nearly gave him a heart attack – narrowed on me.

"_Never_," he hissed. "Stay on the grounds after dark unless one of us are with you. Do you understand?"

I frowned. "No," I replied slowly.

Lucius looked from me to Severus. "What are you on about? It's-," he glanced out the window and froze for a second. His silver-grey eyes slowly turned to me. "You...were…_outside…?_"

What's wrong with everyone today? I've been outside after hours _hundreds _of times –

"Why are you treating me like a child?" I asked Severus, not comprehending what I'd done wrong.

"You_ are_ a child," he replied, fists very slowly clenching into fists. He was used to having a wand, I think, to point at someone when he's angry, but he wasn't about to attack me.

Not including my siblings, I don't have the kind of courage it takes to snap back at an angry person. Escpecially Severus, because unlike most people, his anger is as cold as dry ice – so cold it burns. Still, he wasn't saying anything else, and I knew the ball was in my court…

"I…just…don't…know…what I did…wrong…" I said timidly. Wow, I need to work on my confrontation skills.

For some reason, this just made him appear angrier. Yet somehow at the same time I got the feeling his anger was no longer directed entirely at me.

"Nothing," he spat before turning on his heel and sweeping up the boys' staircase to his dormitory.

I shuddered involuntarily. It's even worse than being at odds with McGonagall…

I realised Lucius was now standing over me. He stared down his nose with that surperior expression he liked to put on most of the time. "Don't fret, love," he smirked just slightly and the arrogance went up a notch. "Snape has his reasons. Won't last."

How…reassuring.

* * *

Oh…how I love Fridays.

Amber and my two other roomates, Kelly Smith and Kiera Durnsby, were all with their boyfriends. I shrugged off my robe so I was only in my skirt and shirt and loosened my tie a bit.

Ah…peace and quiet.

I walked over to my nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out a Sugar Quill and sticking it in my mouth before grabbing a hair tie and bundling my hair up. It was pretty much dry by now, so I'm sure it'll be fine. It looks all stringy and stuff down, anyways.

_Scritch scratch scratch._

I paused and glanced over at the door. It sounded as if someone was scratching on the other side. I walked over and opened it only to be pounced on by – not _only _Salem – but the huge black dog, too!

"Ah, get off," I groaned, trying to push the big brute off me and kick the door closed at the same time. He licked my face happily, tail wagging. Finally, I was able to sit up as Salem rubbed himself against my arm. I gave the dog a critical look and shook my head.

"Who'd let a dog in, anyways?" I muttered, adjusting my Sugar Quill, which had – miraculously – not fallen out of my mouth. Nor had I choked on it, which was a bonus.

He just sat there and yipped happily, stupid tail still wagging.

I must be out of my mind.

"Alright," I sighed finally, getting up. "You can stay. Just – don't attack me or anything."

Am I talking to an animal?

The dog trotted over and jumped right up on my bed as if he knew exactly where I slept. I dunno, maybe he can smell me on it or something. Salem followed his example and I rolled my eyes.

I must be insane. Yes. That's it. I'm crazy. It's all Lucius' fault for that time he pushed me down the stairs. McGonagall nearly had kittens.

"Well, then," I sighed. It's not like the dog and cat were conspiring against me or something. I could work on the charm Severus had assigned me.

See, he has new Potions books every year. And so he gave me his old ones, which have all these spells he's invented in them and stuff. Really helped me in Potion's class until Severus realised I was cheating my way through the class and promptly erased all Potions notes from the book.

_That…_had been low. Even for him.

No, I still won't give up that grudge.

Anyways, once in a while Severus will tell me to learn one of the harder tricks he left in the book. Reching under the mattress of my bed, I pulled out the Potions book and flipped to the page he'd assigned. Well…before he'd stopped talking to me.

Today was a transfiguration one that didn't look…_too _hard…

Maybe I should make some more alcoholic butterbeer. Actually, that sounded like a good idea.

I cast a sideways glance at the dog. For some reason, he made me feel very paranoid. Still watching him from the corner of my eye, I summoned a goblet of water from the kitchen. The house elves always kept one out for me, since I tended to get a very parched throat when I slept. I must sleep with my mouth open.

I stirred the water with my wand while reading the spell Severus gave me and sucking on my Suger Quill. Severus' narrow, cramped writing was simple enough to read:

_'Wand not needed for spell. Wind unicorn hair around stem of flower. Hold stem of flower firmly between index finger and thumb. Let one drop of ox blood fall on petals. Incantation: _Dragona minulsa.'

Wand not needed, huh? And what exactly does this spell _create, _anyways? Well, it's not like I could ask Severus at the moment, anyways. He still hasn't spoken to me since Wednesday.

I shrugged and tapped the glass in my hand. "_Vinerum._"

Ah…alcoholic butterbeer. Lucky Regulus doesn't know about this. I glanced at the dog again; it was watching me with its head cocked to the side and ears perked up.

"Not for you," I muttered, setting the goblet down. "That's forbidden in the school, that is. Don't touch."

Nonetheless he sniffed it as I opened the drawer and pulled out a vial of ox blood, a unicorn hair, and some seeds. I usually had a flower in the thin glass vase on my nightstand. I dropped the seed in the water and knocked once on the vase, still fumbling to close the desk.

"_Florus._"

And pop! Flowers. I picked one out and wound the unicorn hair securely around the stem of the flower before realising my canine companion was lapping up my butterbeer.

"Hey, no no," I pushed him forcefully back and glared at him. "Sorry, no drunk dogs on this floor."

I could have sworn he glowered at me.

I waited until he settled back with Salem before picking up the vial of blood. I held the flower between my thumb and index finger and poured just one drop of blood on it.

"_Dragona minulsa._"

_Snap!_

"Ah!" I dropped the cottonmouth snake that had suddenly snapped at my nose. The dog barked loudly and jumped right off the bed, pursuing the snake right under my bed. Salem jumped off and scurried under Amber's bed.

I, however, saw red.

"_Severus Snape!" _I yelled.

I stormed to the door and went right down the staircase. Surely enough, Severus was there at the bottom, looking sour.

"What?" he snapped.

I glared at him. Now, if _he _was mad at me, there was no way I would have gotten mad or even have had the will to retaliate. But if _I _get mad…

"Explain to me," I hissed through clenched teeth. "Why you didn't warn me that when I transfigure a _flower, _it turned into a _snake_. A _venemous snake._"

Snape's sneering face faulted for a second. He suddenly looked paler than usual.

"Where is it?" he asked, voice little above a whisper.

I pointed up the stairs to my dorm. To my surprise, it was then that the dog chose to trot down happily with the dead snake in his mouth and sit down nex to me, tail wagging.

Severus stared at the dog for a split second before his expression completely contorted into one of anger.

"_What is that dog doing here?_" He demanded of me.

I blinked. What the hell did it matter? "He just showed up from somewhere," I replied, anger melting a little into slight confusion. Did Severus not like dogs or something?

Severus' expression was nothing below livid. I paled when he drew his wand and pointed it at the dog.

"W-what are you doing?" I demanded. The dog began growling at Severus.

"It doesn't belong here," Severus hissed, lip curling.

I felt the dog's fur bristle. I was slightly infront of him, so while there was plenty of space for Severus to aim his wand properly, the dog couldn't get through. The growl got louder. I was shocked Severus wasn't scared of a dog that big.

Wait – he didn't mean –

"_Avada-,_"

"Stop!" I pushed him back, urgency making me take the initiative. Severus' cold eyes swept from the dog to me.

"Move, Ivarius," he snapped.

I felt myself falling into fear. "N-no," I refused, moving off the last step. That might have been a bad move, as we were now on level ground and he was _far _taller than me.

A cold fear gripped me as his eyes narrowed. What if he tries to hex me?

"You don't understand," he muttered. "_Move._"

"I won't let you kill the dog!"

"You're going to have to kill far worse than that!" My mouth snapped shut. Severus didn't yell often. He looked furious. His hands were clenched at his sides and he was white as chalk.

How…how dare he bring that up…

But it didn't stop there. He took a step forward. "Get used to it! You're worried about killing a mangy dog? You won't last a day under the Dark Lord's command unless you learn to _shut up and let them die! _Let the imbeciles scream, Ivarius!"

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't know how to react. I've never heard him speak like that before…it was so…unlike him…

Severus was practically shaking in rage.

"You're just a child," he spat. "You don't understand."

The next thing I saw was the huge black dog leap forward and knock Severus to the ground.

* * *


	5. Friends and Enemies

**

* * *

**

Friends and Enemies

This is _all _my fault.

I sat on the floor against the end of Severus' bed in the Hospital Wing with my hands encircling my knees and my chin resting on them. It was Saturday and Severus was sleeping peacefully. Madame Pomfrey assured me that he'd wake up today and that he'd be perfectly fine.

Maybe physically, that's true.

I was terrified. I couldn't sleep. What if he was angry with me? What if he never spoke to me again? Severus is one of the only friends I have…

…why do I feel like I've betrayed him?

Is this what it feels like? To know that behind the backs of all my friends, I'm hanging out with their enemy…and kind of enjoying it? So maybe I natter on about how annoying Sirius is sometimes. But I love him – and even though I don't know his motives, he's been very cheerful lately. We've had a few nice little talks in the past month – short, of course, and vague, but they were _amiable _at least.

Would Severus hate me if he knew about that? Would he use the Avada Kedavra on _me, _like he was going to on the dog?

I sighed heavily. The dog. He mauled Severus, right across the face. Luckily it wasn't deep, and Madame Pomfrey said it'll heal without a scar. I haven't seen the dog since.

But what if the dog had been infected with rabies? Or some other disease? That would have been my fault. If the dog had killed Severus, that would've been my fault.

I'm so stupid.

Severus' words had stunned me. When the dog attacked, I couldn't react for a minute. I was still shocked. And that minute had cost him – he was in the Hospital Wing!

All my fault…_all _my fault…

And then Regulus asked me what had happened. I didn't tell him, neither had I told Lucius, or even Slughorn. The only one who knew was Dumbledore.

Oh yes. We'd had a long talk. Frankly I'm still completely confused. Why did Severus go crazy when he saw the dog? It didn't make sense. I mean, if he doesn't like dogs that's fine, but to just _kill _one…Severus wasn't violent like that. He was more…subtle.

My mind wandered back to the events that had gotten Severus so angry in the first place. Potter, he'd nearly wet himself outside and then shoved me into the school. Now what, about that, could possibly have made Severus angry? Was it because I'd been 'caught' with Potter?

It must be. Yet it still didn't explain why he flipped over that dog.

"You still here?" a voice inquired. I glanced up.

"Sirius," I mumbled.

He rolled his eyes slightly. "Didn't sleep, _did you?_"

He makes it sound like it's _my _fault….which it wasn't…I noticed he looked slightly ruffled. "You're snogging this early in the morning?"

He snorted. "'Course not," he replied. "Haven't done that since last year. I've matured, you see."

Ah hahahahahaha…funny…

"What are you doing up here?" I asked instead of commenting, though I could tell by his indignant expression that my amusement showed. He shrugged off my question.

"Knew you'd be fretting over _Snivellus _so I came up to tell you to go eat or something."

Food…I remember food…

Sirius knelt next to me. "Listen," he began. "I was thinking you might want to come down and sit with me and Prongs and Moon – oh – James and Remus and Peter down by the lake."

Uneasiness slid through by body. I fidgeted a little, glancing at the floor. "Sirius," I began slowly. "If Lucius or Regulus or _anyone _for that matter were to-,"

"Not _everyone _is conspiring against you, Ivy," he interjected. "And you're a Slytherin so I _know _you can put up the 'haughty snob' act. Besides. Malfoy and my _darling _brother are both busy with their girlfriends." He made a face and I knew he was trying not to insult them infront of me.

It was risky. It really was. And I _still _don't understand.

"Why are you being so friendly all of the sudden?"

He shrugged, shifting a little. "Can't I be friendly with my own sister?"

Ha. "Can you?" I shot back.

He blinked. I watched his expression turn into a dark one. It made me feel like I was back at home years ago…it was the expression I always saw before Sirius stormed downstairs to have a 'chat' with Mum.

"I knew you weren't like Mum and Regulus," he snapped. "Thought you could take care of yourself _fine _and it'd be better that way than having you get into trouble with me until I remembered over the summer that Voldemort always goes for the Fifth years. I couldn't very well sit around and watch you get yourself killed, now could I?"

Well. What am I supposed to say to that?

He faltered slightly…but I can't tell why…did he not want to say that?

"Just – Ivy," he began with difficulty. Bah. Men are sobad with sincerity. "It's – you don't deserve the kind of life a Death Eater has…but since I can't change that…I want you to have at least _something, _you know? And my mates," he grinned a little. "They're the best around."

Tch.

It was still a big risk. Then again, he was right; what Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw would question a Slytherin, let alone a member of the Black family? As for Slytherins…they were all in the dungeons around now anyways, studying and doing homework.

I glanced at Severus. It…it wasn't like he was…going anywhere…

I _know _I'm going to regret this…

"A-alright."

He flashed a grin. "Excellent." Sirius helped me up then practically _dragged _me out the door and down the stairs and out the door. I tripped twice – what was _wrong _with this guy? It's like he's always on a sugar rush…

"Ow – ow – ow – _ow – _Sirius – that's _connected -,_"

"Ivy, meet the rest of the Marauders," I was suddenly shoved infront of him and blinking down at three young men lounging at the base of the beech tree. They blinked back at me. Sirius rested his hands on my shoulders and pointed to each one. "That's Peter Pettigrew, and James Potter, and of course dear old Remus Lupin," he introduced.

Oh, like I didn't know who they were beforehand. I'm not _that _uninformed. I do, however, recognise them differently than I'm sure Sirius would have liked. The boy with glasses is the one who shoved me oh-so-rudely into the school yesterday, the short one is the kid I ran into a while ago – always stuttering – and that _other _one is that bloke who had the _audacity _to drag me down the corridor and shove me into a room which apparently no longer exists.

"Boys, you've met my sister, haven't you? Well," he went on without waiting for an answer. "This is Ivy."

"Isn't she The Enemy?" Peter asked. Codename for 'Slytherin', I'm sure.

Well, thank you, that's very much appreciated, _Peter. _

I felt Sirius sling his arm around my shoulders and twitched. "She," he said very clearly, grey eyes settled in a non-chalant way on Peter. "Isn't an enemy as long as I'm standing here."

James snorted. "Yeah, Wormtail. Haven't you been listening to Snuffles all this time?"

Sirius' eyebrow ticked. "Don't call me that," he griped.

"But _Snuffles_ -,"

"Listen here, you," Sirius let go of me to advance on the still-lounging Potter. "Keep that – that _name _to yourself or so help me-,"

"Don't make a promise you won't keep," Lupin toned idly, turning a page in his book. "…Snuffles."

Sirius groaned. "Not you too,"

"It _is _quite catchy…"

"It is not!"

I watched them bicker playfully with eachother and felt out of place. They all seemed to fit so neatly together, whereas I was an outsider. I shouldn't be allowed into their relaxation time, into their private time, especially –

"What are _you _doing here?"

- when I'm a Slytherin and they're all, you know, Gryffindors. Save-the-day people, group leaders and auror material and stuff li -

"Hey." I was brought back to earth by the presence of another person standing infront of me. I blinked, staring into hostile brown eyes.

Was she talking to –

"I was talking to _you._" She snapped.

Oh…okay. But I can't remember what she said.

"You said something?" I asked.

She snorted. "Is it that difficult to get through your thick head?" she inquired. A little smirk touched her lips. "What," she said slowly, enunciating every syllable. "Are – you – doing – here?"

I glanced down at the frosty patch of grass I was standing on. Was there a problem with where I was standing? "Here?"

"Yes. _What _is a little Slytherin fifth year tramp doing over with Gryffindors?"

I stared at her for a second before pulling a Sugar Quill out of my pocket and glancing at Sirius. "I think she's being obnoxious on purpose," I said confusedly as I stuck the Sugar Quill in my mouth.

Why would anyone be obnoxious on purpose? It was kind of a weird thing to do. And now she was turning all red. I wonder why that w –

"What are you laughing at?" I asked indignantly as Sirius began snickering.

And who the heck was this Gryffindor girl anways? I watched her turn to glare at Sirius.

"You think it's funny?" she snapped. "That – that this little _fifth _year has the mouth to-,"

"Rosey," James smirked. "It's funny. Get over it."

"_What's _funny?" I demanded. I have the feeling I've missed something here…

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I only drew Rosey's attention back to myself, and she was angry. "You," she hissed. "Shut up, you bloody little Slytherin."

Well that didn't make much sense. I was about the same height as her. I glanced at her then Sirius again, who was still trying – and failing – to stifle his laughter. Pettigrew and James were just as amused, and a little smile was on Lupin's face though his eyes hadn't moved from his book.

Rose must have felt that my attention wasn't on her at all – which it wasn't – because she drew her wand and pointed it at me. I stiffened slightly, staring down its wood.The Sugar Quill in my mouth stilled, though I couldn't really help sucking on it.

Sirius had stopped laughing. "You don't want to be doing that, Rose." He said with a casual air that warned me he didn't mind hexing the stuffing out of people in broad daylight.

Furiously, Rose whipped around to glare at Sirius. I resumed joyfully savouring my Sugar Quill as I took my own wand out and let it rest at my side.

"You – you – _what _do you care about some stupid Slytherin girl anways?"

Sirius grinned in a charming fashion. "What's her name, Rose?"

Rose gripped her wand, eyes narrowing. "Ivy Black," she spat. "But what does that have to do with-,"

"What's _my _name, love?"

"Sirius Bl-," she stopped short, eyes widening. I pointed my wand at her absently as she began to whip around, taking the Sugar Quill out of my mouth to speak properly.

I glanced at the lake. I wonder what the Giant Squid's up to?

"_Expelliarmus._"

Her wand flew in some direction and landed in the grass. I replaced my Sugar Quill in my mouth and my wand in my pocket before turning my gaze to watch Rose hurriedly search the grass for it.

Wait a second… "I think she was insulting me," I said blankly.

The Marauders roared with laughter.

* * *

I never thought the light side could be so…tempting.

I never thought I'd say this about the Marauders, but truly they're very _nice _to be around. I sat with them for about an hour after Rose left and tried to become invisible, but Sirius sat himself right beside me and nobody questioned my presence again. In fact they even acted like they were _interested _in me. They asked me how I was doing in classes and which teachers I liked best, how I liked Quidditch (I _smoothly _avoided mentioning I'm terrified of heights), if I had ever heard of such-and-such potion, and Sirius even let slip I knew how to conjure alcoholic butterbeer(though I don't see how he would've known that in the first place).

They like to joke around. They're dramatic. And they all seem to have nicknames from eachother. Pettigrew is Wormtail, Sirius is Padfoot, Prince Paddy or Snuffles – which he resents – Potter is Prongs and Lupinis Moony orLoony Moony.

Sirius seems so…_happy _with them. Far, far happier than he'd ever been at home.

If they were all like this, was the 'enemy' really all that bad…?

"So Black," Potter – James – began, rolling the Snitch he'd nicked between his palms. He grinned. "How'd somebody like you get into that nuthouse they call Slytherin?"

Sirius, who had been sucking on one of my Sugar Quills – I'm one Galleon richer – choked slightly. We all watched blankly for a second as he fell into a coughing fit before I pat him on the back.

"You alive, Snuffles?" James asked.

Sirius sat up again, ginning slightly and perfectly composed. "And kicking," he added cheerily. "By the way – when's that Arithmancy essay due?"

"Huh," James let the Snitch go and watched it dart here and there absently. "Slipped my mind-,"

"Tomorrow, Prongs," Peter put in cheerily. James glanced at him with a brief smile before Peter turned to Sirius. "It's due tomorrow. You finished?"

"Haven't started," Sirius shrugged and leant back on his elbows.

"Now that's surprising," Remus muttered, flipping a page of his book. "You lot procrastinate far too much."

Peter paused. "Procrastinate…?"

"Aw, but _Moonykins,_" Sirius began. "There's so much to _do_-,"

"You'll start it when we get back to the common room," Remus decided, passing him look. Sirius sighed dramatically.

"Yes, mother."

Remus rolled his eyes indiscreetly. He hadn't talked much since I'd been here, but I guess that's normal since the last time I saw him he was –

"Ivy! Where are you?"

I shot up so quickly my head spun, wand out in a millisecond and before I gave it another thought I cast a Disillusionment Spell on myself. I stayed stalk still as Regulus went past not far away, and watched him turn to go back into the school.

Bloody hell. He was looking for me, and if he couldn't find me he'd start freaking out – believe me, it'd happened before – and he was probably going to the –

"…Hospital…" Regulus' voice floated back to me.

Shit.

I ran flat-out towards the school, going right past Regulus and up the staircases, nearly bumping into someone on the way before shooting into the Hospital Wing and lifting the charm before resting my hands on my knees to catch my breath.

Merlin, I'm _dying – _never was cut out for running long-distance.

"_Miss Black,_" I heard Madame Pomfrey hiss. "This is a _Hospital _Wing – not some – some _living room _for you to go stomping around in-,"

"Poppy, darling," another voice began smoothly. I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders. "Thank you for letting my dear sister and I in – we didn't know if the wing was still open to visitors, you see-,"

I rolled my eyes inwardly at Regulus' smooth talk. And the sad thing is that they _always _fall for it. A glance a Severus' bed showed he wasn't awake yet. I felt guilt wash over me. Maybe he was worse than Madame Pomfrey thought?

"Oh, Regulus," Madame Pomfrey began. She blushed a little. "No problem, no problem at all, it's always a treat to have Miss Black come down-,"

Oh come on, now. _Really._

"You were coming to see Mr. Snape, yes?" Madame Pomfrey continued.

Regulus smiled at her in a charming way. "Him…and other things…"

I wanted to be sucked into a hole right then. He couldn't possibly be shagging the_ school nurse_, could he?

By the look she was giving him, I suppose he was.

Amber'll be heartbroken. But then again, I haven't seen Regulus stay with the same girl for more than a month. And a month is _pushing _it.

Regulus gave my shoulder a squeeze. "You go see Severus, Ive," _I hate that name – _"Poppy and I have some…_other _matters to attend to-,"

I hurriedly walked over to Severus' bed, watching the two of them scurry into the nurse's office and shut the door. I made a face.

"Reg, that's disgusting," I whispered to myself. Shaking my head, I glanced at Severus' night table, seeing if there was anything I could –

MERLIN!

"Salem!" I hissed. The black cat hopped nimbly off Severus' night table and dashed under the bed.

What was my cat doing all the way up here?

I dropped to my hands an knees, pulling up the skirt of the bed to look at Salem's crouched little form just out of my reach. Oh, for Merlin's sake –

"Salem! Come out here right now you furry little feline-,"

"Some of us are sleeping."

I banged my head off the bottom of the bedframe and winced, sitting up and rubbing my head. Dark brown eyes stared back at me, so dark they were just a shade away from black.

"Severus," I began, prickling with guilt. "A-are you feeling okay? I-I'm sorry about the dog, really, he didn't hurt me last time and I didn't think he w-was dangerous-,"

"Just…" Severus rubbed a temple, closing his eyes. "_Quiet, _Ivarius. I don't want to hear about that insufferable mutt again."

He didn't look very pleased with me. But he also looked tired. I anxiously tugged his blanket further up and smoothed out the rwinkles on the small edge closest to me, making sure not to invade his personal space too much. Salem 'mrow'ed from beneath the bed and I blinked.

Bending down, I held a hand out limply infront of the bed skirt. "_Accio Salem._"

With a yowl, Salem skid back into my hand. I picked him up and set him in my lap, where he curled into a little ball and began purring. At least petting him gave my hands something to do.

"But how are you feeling?" I asked anxiously. "Do you feel alright? Can I get you something?"

His eyes narrowed on me and he shook his head mutely.

I had a sinking feeling. "…I'm in trouble, aren't I?" I questioned meekly.

Instead of answering, Severus sneered at me and looked away. He was silent for a moment.

That's it. I was _definitely _in tr –

"Have you…" Severus paused for a moment before continuing. "Have you been speaking with Black?"

Black? Black…He called me Ivarius and called Reggie Regulus so he must be talking about – about Sirius. Oh Merlin. How do I lie to my friends…?

I started as Salem bit my finger. "No," I answered slowly. I tried to frown at him and look confused. "Why would I talk to Sirius?"

A cold panic began to grip me. I'm lying, I'm lying, I'm _lying…_to _Severus…_

Wait a second! Legilimens!

I emptied my mind – or, well, _tried _– as well as I could and Severus blinked abruptly, as if someone might have swatted him lightly or woken him from a daydream. He didn't say anything, however, which I guess is a good sign. I mean, he hasn't given me one of those 'evil looks' yet, thank the heavens.

"That mutt-," Severus began, yet he stopped just as quickly and instead opted to sit up and stretch a little. "How long have I been sleeping?"

Um. "Since…five o'clock yesterday. A-Are you sure you aren't hungry or thirsty or-,"

"_Ivy._" Severus' voice took on a hiss-like quality, as it always did when he was agitated. "Stop _fretting. _Alright?"

Fret? I don't fret. I don't know what he's talking about, I'm just _politely concerned _–

"Oh," I put a hand over my mouth, getting up. "_Oh, _I forgot to tell your mother, she's going to be _so _upset-,"

"You're not telling my mother! Come back here!"

"And your little sister! She'll never want to play with me again-,"

"_Ivarius!_ If you think for one _second _you are owling my mother you are sadly mistaken – are you listening to me?"

I paused at the door and looked back at him. "I'm sorry, Severus. Did you say something?"

He fumed.

* * *


	6. The Horror of Heights

**I don't own Harry Potter. **

Wait -- does Hogwarts have Seventh years? ;; if it doesn't, I'm afriad I've made a mistake, eheheheheh...

**

* * *

**

**The Horror of Heights**

Alright, I admit, I shouldn't have been reading and walking at the same time. And it might've been a bad idea to have completely blocked out Amber, who was ranting on about how terrible Regulus is and how I should go beat him up for her(as if I'm really that type – is she blind?). And perhaps not paying attention to the fact that somewhere along the line we'd started walking outside may have counted against me, but really, there was no reason for that greenhouse wall to just suddenly _appear _in the middle of my path.

I glared at it, rubbing my nose. I then glared at Amber, who had started laughing next to me. That _hurt, _and she just laughs at my pain? No 'are you okay'?

Lovely people, Slytherins. _Lovely. _

"That'll teach you," Amber grinned widely. "Oh, Ivy, that was just what I needed. Thanks."

You're not quite so welcome. Whereabouts were we going, anyways?

"I asked you if you wanted to take a walk, remember?" Amber prompted, as if reading my mind.

I stared blankly at her. I remember no such conversation, she was lying. Slimy little Slytherin – wait. That's hypocritical. Nevermind.

Oh dear, her expression's sobering. I'm in for another 'Regulus is Slime' rant.

"Oh, Ivy, he's such a git," Amber sniffed as we continued walking. I opened my book again.

"Mmhm."

"I – I thought we _had _something – I thought he _enjoyed _me, we shagged between classes almost half the time but now he decides to ship me off for the school nurse? He's horrid!"

"Yes. Horrid. Mm."

"W-what was I to him, Ivy? You're his sister! I-I mean, is this how he's like for every girl? Was it all a lie? He's – he's such a – oh, I don't know what to call him! Bloody womanizer!" she snapped her fingers, a slow, devious smile crossing her face. "Wait…I have it. I just need to…get back at him. And what's the best way to get back at him, Ivy?"

A grunt.

"Exactly! All I have to do is shag Sirius Black and I'll have Regulus crawling back!"

"Good. Fantastic." I turned the page. Wandless magic was so damn complex, especially the jinxes and counter –

WAIT ONE BLOODY MINUTE.

"You're going to _what?_" I stopped walking to frowned at her. She continued to go along her way, not even batting an eyelash as she reached back and grabbed my wrist. She began dragging me across the lawn.

"It's simple. Who does Regulus hate more than anyone?"

I think she's forgotten that I'm related to both of them. "Sirius," I replied uncomfortably. "But-,"

"Therefore it'll hurt him most if Sirius gets in my pants, won't it?"

I sucked in a breath, slowly closing my book. "…yes…"

Amber pressed her lips into a determined smirk. "Then, darling, I'm going to have Sirius if it's the last thing I do."

"Sirius had a girlfriend," I commented.

"Black is just as bad as his brother." Amber retorted. "Now come on. The Gryffindors have Quidditch practise."

Oh dear Merlin. Not Quidditch. _Not Quidditch. _

"Ah – Amber," I began. "That's…lovely and all, but do I _really _h-have to come alo-,"

"What's this?" a silky voice inquired. "Ivarius Louise Black is indeed walking towards the Quidditch Pitch?"

"You sod off," I hissed as Severus slithered up on my other side. Severus 'tsk'ed.

"Temper, temper…" Severus murmured. His eyes travelled from me to Amber and back again. "Are you aware _Gryffindor _Quidditch practise is being held at this moment?"

I sighed heavily as Amber jerked me harder towards the Quidditch Pitch. "Quite." I frowned over at Amber. "I do not approve of this plan. And I don't see the point of dragging me with you."

"You never approve of my plans," Amber waved me off. "And you know the man-,"

"I have not spoken to Sirius Black in several years."

Severus hissed softly. Amber sniffed. "Well, I need some moral support and you're going to give me some, Ivy."

I sighed. Maybe I'm just a pushover. I'd really rather be inside. There's frost on the ground and I'm freezing, without any scarf or one of the fur lined coats my father bought me.

What a ridiculous idea. Using Sirius against Reggie. He wouldn't take her back like I knew she wanted him to – no, this plan of hers would only make Regulus angry and then what? Then _I _would be forced to step in and whenever we fight someone usually ends up seriously injured. We even muggle-fought once.

I'd _hate _to repeat _that _again.

I grimanced visibly as we walked into the Quidditch Pitch. Quickly I wrenched myself from Amber's steel grip.

"Well, good luck and all that, I'm going to go sit in…those…what are those?"

"Bleachers, Ivarius," Severus told me as he ushered me up the steps.

"Bleachers, of course," I replied intelligently. "They don't look…too…high…m-must we go all the way up there?"

"We're sitting here," Severus steered me down onto a seat before sitting next to me. I studied the pitch before me. It was huge, and high above us there were a number of tiny figures on broomsticks, tossing the Quaffle back and forth in a series of complicated-looking moves. There were some other members of the Gryffindor team on the ground, doing drills or warmups or something of the sort. Sirius was one of them.

My stomach squirmed. I knew Amber was going to carry through with this if she wanted to but…I didn't know whether or not Sirius would refuse. Escpecially if he knew it was to spite Regulus.

I really didn't want to think of Sirius like that. I mean, I know he flirts, and he's a womanizer like Regulus…but I don't like to think that either of them would just…dispose of girls like that.

In fact, it disgusts me.

"Are you going to fill me in?"

I blinked and looked back at Severus. "Oh…Amber wants to get back at Regulus by shagging Sirius."

"An idiot's plan."

"Does it look like she listens to me?" I asked him, folding my arms. Bloody hell, it was _freezing _over here…

I felt something drape over my neck. It was a scarf…a big Slytherin scarf, far too long for me. I glanced at Severus.

"How thick are you not to wear proper outdoor clothing?"

"Oh." I smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Severus. And thank you."

He sneered at me in reply. Moody git. Half the time he's civil to me and half the time he's still upset with me about the entire giant dog episode last week. But! Since then, I've been practicing and practicing and practicing Occlumency. This is the perfoect chance to badger him about it.

I jabbed his arm. "Try going in my head," I prompted.

He gave me a cool look. "Why?" he drawled. Obviously he wasn't so quick to do anything I _wanted _him to do.

I frowned and jabbed him again. His scowl deepened. "Go on," I urged, already trying to empty my head.

"That friend of yours is condemning herself to an early grave and you want me to-,"

I folded my arms with a frown. "Nevermind," I mumbled. He grunted in reply. I sighed and looked back down at the field.

Amber had gone up to talk with Sirius. They were standing a bit away from the others on the team, but James and other teammates were catcalling them and such.

"If Regulus knew you were here he'd be angry," Severus commented.

Ah, Regulus and the power complex. He can do whatever he wants, so long as he's aware of my _every move. _Ah well…I'm used to it, I suppose. He's only been doing it since he dubbed himself King of the World.

"Crushing," I replied. Goodness, it's far too cold out here. I drew my wand and tapped the seat, and immediately warmth flooded through it. "What are the chances of Regulus coming down to the Pitch anyways?"

"I'd say rather good," Severus replied, nudging me and nodding over at the entra –

"Oh no," I ducked down and hid behind Severus. "That's impossible. Why would he – _you did something, didn't you?_"

"We were watching you being dragged towards the Pitch from the front steps," Severus commented smoothly. "I never knew you were that bad at walking and reading at the same time."

"Sod off," I muttered, ducking as Regulus' head turned in our direction. "Not everybody's _perfect _O Great Severus – _oh _dear," he's coming this way – _oh _no, _oh _ma –

Wait.

I glanced back at Amber to see she was practically all over Sirius. If Regulus looked that way it would mean…mean…

I jumped up. "Uh," I looked back at Severus. "I am going to-to do something mean to you later – I don't know what yet, but-,"

"IVY!" Oh…I've been sighted.

"But it'll be _bad_," I finished my less-than-threatening threat before turning and jogging down the stairs to greet my…livid…brother.

"Regulus," I gave him a winning smile as I came closer. "My darling, _wonderful _broth – what are you doing?"

"What am I doing?" Regulus snapped. He – he had picked me up! What's he doing! "What are – _you –_ doing in here – _now _– of all _bloody _times-,"

Ah, his speech is breaking up. A sign of unconditional anger –

AH! BROOMSTICK!

"No," I blurted out as he dumped me on it. I had to grab onto the handle so I didn't fall off. He was smirking coldly at me. "No, Reggie, don't-,"

"Don't what?" Regulus inquired innocently. "Don't do this?"

He jerked the broomstick. I yelped.

"Regulus! Stop!"

"You know better than to be around a bunch of," he scowled. "_Gryffindors. _What were you doing out here, anyways?"

I – want – off – this – broom –

"R-Regulus, please don't, you know I don't like-,"

"Bye!"

He waved his wand and suddenly I was moving through the air.

Oh Merlin oh Merlin oh Merlin oh Merlin I'm not going to live through this oh Merlin oh Merlin –

The broom was going high than the stadium now. I could hardly distinguish Regulus anymore. The Gryffindor players were looking at me, but they didn't do anything. They probably thought I knew how to use a broom.

L-let me tell you…I'm Madam Hooch's worse student.

"Oh," I moaned, clutching the broom tighter. It wasn't even as if I was doing anything wrong! It's just because I was in the same vicinity as Sirius!

Wait…wait this is far too high. Regulus has pulled this stunt a few times before. The broom is supposed to drop. It's not dropping.

_It's not dropping. _

I should be going down by now. I'm in the clouds, this is _far _to high – there's not enough oxygen, especially when I'm al-almost hyperventil…hyper…ven…hy…

Cold filled my lungs. I couldn't breathe…I suddenly felt so tired…

Falling through air gives you the strangest sensation. It's like…your blood has stopped. Like it's replaced with a frozen sort of adrenaline. It crawled through my arms and fingers, rising up my throat, chilling my brain. I felt so stimulated, but at the same time…so exhausted.

And then someone screamed.

I shuddered. Voices began to ring in my head – had I gone temporarily deaf?

"- I can't _believe _either of you – stop it! Both of you, right now!"

"Professor, she's dropping – !"

"Oh dear! Oh dear oh dear – Potter!"

Just like that, I stopped moving through the air. The sensation was killed and replaced with painful cold numbing my throat and lungs. My head was pounding, my eyes were heavy, and my heart was beating _painfully. _It felt like it was going to explode.

"Careful, careful!" a voice exlaimed closeby. Arms steadied me and pulled me up to a sitting position. "Bloody hell, Black. You'll get yourself killed, you know."

I had to take deep breaths. It was like my lungs weren't getting enough oxygen and they were _demanding _more.

"Can't breathe?" James. It was James.

I can't answer. I don't know if he expects me to. He pat my head lightly, and I could feel us moving down again. "Just take deep breaths," he decided lightly. "You'll be fine."

I coughed. Suddenly the broomsitck was gone and I was sitting on the ground. Coughing myself to death. Someone grabbed my shoulders and was blubbering and sobbing into my cloak. While I could hear others muttering something, what I could hear clear as a bell was Madam's Hooch's ringing tone.

"-how _dare _you take that sort of risk! Both of you! I have a right mind to expel you this instant but luckily for the both of you it's not up to me! It's up to Dumbledore's office with the both of you! MARCH!"

Somebody slid an arm around my shoulders and pulled me up to my feet. By this time my coughing had subsided mostly to heavy panting. I heard Madam Hooch speak again.

"Mr. Snape! Take Miss Black up to the Hospital Wing!"

Oh, bloody hell. That's just what I need. To get my head bitten off by Madame Pomfrey. I'm so tired of the Hospital Wing. Let's go somewhere else. Like the dormitory.

"I'm fine," I said hoarsely. "I…f-fine…"

I blinked again and realised I was looking at Madam Hooch's sturdy frame standing squarely between Sirius and Regulus.

How come they got the better names? I got Ivarius. _Ivy. _I don't even like ivy. Escpecially poison ivy. Very scratchy, that. Theirs are named after stars and for me? Mum just decided she could be 'creative' and think up something. And it was a bugger to learn how to spell back in the early years.

Who is crying on me?

Awkwardly, I pat Amber's head. She was going at it pretty strong, too. Didn't seem to me that she'd stop any time soon. I blinked hazily up at Severus to realise it was him who'd helped me up.

"'M fine," I repeated again, taking a final deep breath. "Really, Madam…Hooch."

"I'm so sorry," Amber sobbed. "It's my fault, it's my fault, I didn't even remember-,"

Sirius and Regulus appeared to be ignorant to the fact that it was _Madam Hooch _who was standing between them. They were still trying to attack eachother. I have no idea _why ­_– unless Regulus saw Sirius and Amber together. That might explain a bit.

Merlin. Am I half-conscious?

How am I supposed to break them up _now? _Escpecially when I'm half out of it? Get my wand? I can barely maintain the energy to hold myself up right now.

Maybe I can get Severus to – never mind. It's Severus. He'd never give up a chance to watch Sirius get hurt. That means that I have to.

Weakly, I reached my hand into my pocket for my wand and pointed it – firstly – at Regulus.

'_Petrificus totalus,_' I thought. Sirius was next. I frowned at the both of them, stock stiff statues lying on the ground. Swallowing, I raised my wand again.

_'Wingardium…leviosa._'

Didn't work. I don't have enough concetration to perform it for both of them.

"_Wingardium leviosa,_" James, who stepped up not-quite-next to me, pointed his wand at the both of them and raised them into the air. I watched Madam Hooch order him to bring them up to Dumbledore's office.

Siblings. I mean, really. Was muggle-fighting really nessecary? They were _wizards, _for Merlin's sake, couldn't they just jinx eachother like normal people?

"Gits," I murmured, leaning against Severus. "Severus, what happened – ?"

"After Regulus decided to shoot you off into the air, Black yelled something at him. When Regulus saw Black with that girl, they got in a…disagreement. I suppose Regulus lost concentration on your broomstick." Severus glanced up towards the sky. "A few moments later they started muggle-fighting." He looked disgusted at the prospect.

Hm, well that's…interesting…I'll have…to…talk…to both of…both…them…

* * *

"Miss Black. It is time to open your eyes."

My eyes snapped open so abruptly I thought Dumbledore must've cast a spell on me. I sat up quickly only to look into Dumbledore's gently smiling face.

"You may calm down, Miss Black. Don't be alarmed."

Oh. Alarmed. Not me. I'm only _in Dumbledore's office. _What am I doing here any –

Oh. _Them. _

I looked on either side of me, where Regulus and Sirius were seated.

"These two gentlemen have something to say to you."

I bet they do. Dumbledore looked calmly at my brothers. "Boys…?"

"Sorry," the two bit out as one.

Mm. _Heartfelt _apologies all around.

"Sorry to interupt but I need to borrow Ivy for just a second."

I stiffened. Regulus stiffened. Sirius stiffened. I general, it was a stiff moment.

_I know that voice! _No way!

"B…Bella," I blurted, standing shakily. "What – what are you doing h-here-,"

Bella is my beautiful, evil cousin. She has silky black hair and dark bedroom eyes, a beautiful body and flawless pale skin. One of my many beautiful relatives. Yes, life decided to include little, constant reminders to show me how impossibly plain I am next to my family.

Her blood red lips twisted into a sultry smile. "Ivy, my favourite little cousin," she began smoothly. "I'm afraid you have to come back home for a few days. Auntie is _dreadfully _sick and the only one she wants to treat her is _you, _darling."

What a complete liar. Dumbledore, don't make me go with her, please don't make me go –

Dumbledore looked from Bella to me and back again. "I see," he said softly. "You do understand, Miss Black, that I need some sort of proof from the parent."

I'm going to die. I'm going to die…I'd rather be back on that broom…

"It's right here, Headmaster," Bella sauntered over to his desk and set a note signed my Mum on his desk. His eyes flickered over it for a moment before he slowly leant back in his chair. There was a long silence.

"Very well, Miss Black," Dumbledore said softly. I felt my knees buckle.

I knew what Bella wanted me for. This was about getting branded. She was going to bring me to get branded. Regulus had relaxed in his chair and had a tiny little smile on his face as he looked up at the ceiling, as if this was the best thing that could happen to me.

It wasn't. It wasn't. I want to stay here. I don't want to see the Dark Lord. I can't lie to him. I won't be able to pull it off. I hardly ever practise Occlumency –

"When do you suppose Ivarius will be back at school?" Dumbledore asked quietly. "A simple estimate will be fine."

"Who knows? I'm sorry, Headmaster, but we really must go."

And she grabbed my wrist.

No. No. I changed my mind. I'll live on my own, I'll ask Uncle Adolphus for money. I'll even put up with ridicule from Slytherins for the next three years but _please _–

That was when I caught sight of Sirius' expression. He was sickly pale. He looked ready – more than ready – to step in Bella's way. And if he did that, father would surely come and murder him for interfering if Regulus didn't get to him first.

I made up my mind at that moment. I didn't care what it took. Sirius was looking out for my well-being, and so I'm going to do the same for him.

I yanked my hand from Bella's grip… and willingly followed her out.

'I'm commiting suicide,' I thought, dazed as Bella jogged down the stairs and smirked up at me.

"Today's your day of glory, cousin," she said as we walked past the gargoyle. "Imagine – getting branded on Hallow's Eve. What an honour."

Honour. Yes. It's an honour. It's an honour. If I think it hard enough, perhaps I can burn it into my subconscious. Maybe then I won't be so afraid.

I kept my head down as we walked down another staircase and into the front foyer. It was there someone bumped into me.

"Sorry," Remus Lupin murmured, brushing himself off. His eyes flickered from me to Bella. "Won't happen again."

Bella sneered at his back as he hurried off. "_Gryffindor,_" she snorted. "What a disgrace to the wizarding kind. As far as I'm concerned, we should be killing _them _off, too."

There was a painful lump in my throat now. I think I was shaking. Nonetheless the second we were past Hogwarts' gates, Bellatrix whipped around and grinned at me.

"Excited?" she asked.

It was time to lie. It was time to lie _well. _"You mean Mum isn't sick?" I asked with a faint mockingly stunned expression.

Bella laughed. "Auntie? Never. Don't suppose you can Apparate yet?"

I shook my head, trying to fight down the urge to vomit. I was sure of it, now. I didn't want this. This wasn't what I should be doing. Nonetheless I took hold of the arm Bella offered and clung to it tightly as we Apparated into –

the foyer of an old yet classical-looking house.

Bella walked over to the nearest door and opened it. "You stay in here until I call for you."

Nodding a little, I walked in and sat down on the dusty old bed in the corner. I watched the door close and heard Bella turn the lock. Then I waited for her footsteps to fade before taking the small vial Dumbledore had given me from my pocket.

I put the tip of my wand to my temple and proceeded to remove every single memory – this year – containing Sirius or the other Marauders. I also took out the one of Dumbledore giving this vial to me, and then I corked the bottle again and slid it back into my pocket.

My head felt…congested now. I sighed deeply, rubbing my hands together and fiddling with the frayed edge of the long green and silver scarf Severus had leant me.

Severus. He didn't know I was here, either. I wonder what he'd say, if anything? Would he look as happy as Regulus had? I doubted that. Severus hardly ever looked happy.

The door opened. I blinked at a tall man with roguish blonde hair and a 5 o'clock shadow across his jaw. He looked quite ruffled, what with the sleeves of his white muggle dress shirt and black jacket rolled up to his elbows and more than a few of the shirt's buttons going undone. The shirt was untucked aswell, falling over his black dress pants. He had the most intriguing blue eyes, but he scared me a little.

He took a step towards me.

Correction. He scared me a lot.

"You're Angus' daughter," he commented, voice low and void of anything particulary heartwarming.

I swallowed. Maybe he was going to kill me. My eyes darted towards his left forearm and sure enough there was the Dark Mark, probably as vivid as the day he was branded.

"Evan Rosier." He stuck his hand out. My, he's got some arm muscles. He could probably snap me like a – nevermind. I shouldn't think about that.

Even Rosi – _Evan Rosier? _The Evan Rosier that graduated last year? _That _Even Rosier?

Tentatively, I placed my hand in his and to my surprise he just shook it once, gently, and then released it.

"Ivy, yes?" he asked, tilting his head a little but not shifting his expression. I nodded. He nodded, once. "Come on, then."

He turned and walked back to the door. Quickly I stood up and followed him. I didn't want to get him mad in any way, shape or form, thanks, and I really don't know what would set him off. He paused just outside the door and looked back at me curiously.

"Rather compliant for a Slytherin, aren't you?"

I gulped again. Merlin he's tall…

Rosier's eyes narrowed. "You can stop cowering, girl. I've no reason to kill you yet."

Yet. _Yet. _

Wait. Where was Bella?

I lingered in the doorway. What would be worse? Angry Bellatrix or angry Rosier?

"Are you coming?" Rosier prompted.

"N-no."

I did not just say that. I did not just say that. I did not just –

Rosier paused, turned fully towards me and leant down, placing his hands on the doorframe on either side of me. My, what an affective intimidation tactic.

"You are coming." He stated simply. His voice was lacking in anger, which scared me even more.

"I'm…" going to die. I am _going _to die. "…not…leaving this r-room until Bellatrix is here."

He cocked an eyebrow. "Oh?"

I swallowed. "Y-yes." I wanted to say 'I think'. I was trying not to stutter, or ramble on or Merlin forbid _starting laughing _in nervousness.

But this wasn't school. He didn't mind _killing _me, if I gave him enough of a reason.

Keep that in mind, I told myself. I can die now. This is not school. I can die. I can die.

To my astonishment, Rosier chuckled and glanced to the side. "She's timid," he told someone out of my view. Bella wandered over to stand next to Rosier with a sultry smirk. "But a little work-,"

"And she could be as good as Regulus," Bella finished off. She put a hand on her hip and let out a silky, triumphant laugh. "I told you so."

Without warning Bellatrix's pale, long fingers snapped around my wrist and dragged me out of the room. She had a long, dark cloak on now and was holding an ominous-looking mask in her hand as she lead me towards a door made of dark, polished wood. She looked at me.

"It's now your time to meet the Master," she murmured, her eyes glassing over with what I took to be reverence.

I knew, as she put that mask on and reached to open the door, that I was in over my head. I was getting into something that was a life commitment. This was too much. Severus was right – I was just a child, I was immature and stupid and ignorant and boring and I never really talked and I'm _lying _to practically everyone I –

Bella pushed me into the room and closed the door behind me. I shuddered from the abrupt drop in temperature. It was a dark room. A…living room, or an office of some sort, judging by the furniture assembled around a dead fire. All that was left of what was probably once a blazing hearth were a few glowing embers.

But it was empty…

'_Hisss…_'

I gasped as something cold slid around my ankle. I looked down – a snake?

"Ivarius Black." A soft, lilting voice that almost resembled a hiss reached my ears. Something shifted in the shadows near the fireplace. I saw a glint of red.

The Dark Lord?

"Why don't you sit?" the coaxing voice asked silkily as the snake at my ankles slithered towards the source of the voice. Was I supposed to follow it?

That was where the seats were. So…I suppose I should. Tentatively, I walked across the room towards the voice. The snake had long slithered from my view as the floorboards creaked beneath my weight. The room smelled old. As I came closer, the man's features became sharper. A long robe. Pale, pointed features. Red, snake-like eyes. His long fingers grasped the arm of his chair as he watched me with unmoving yet unconcerned eyes as I slowly sat down in the chair across from him.

"The youngest of the Black line. Less outgoing than your brothers, but…" he unhastily let his chin drop into his hand. I had the feeling he was musing out loud more than speaking to me. "Potential is there, of course. And the intelligence to put it to proper use."

I felt a prickling sensation in my fingertips. He was so…relaxed and slow-moving, like the snake coiled as his feet. As if nothing could touch him. As if I was so far below him there was no threat at all.

Which was impossibly true, of course.

As if he heard me, the Dark Lords lips thinned into a self-satisfied expression that wasn't a smile, or a smirk.

"Welcome to my…headquarters, Ivarius. This is where my followers come to receive their orders. You are here to learn about my cause."

Cause. My Cause. Their Cause. The Cause.

I didn't know if I was supposed to talk to him. What would I say, anyways? 'And what's that, sir?' _Sir? _I wasn't about to call him _Sir. _His very _presence _made me feel low. Unworthy.

Unworthy? I wasn't even…how could he make me feel that way just by sitting here?

The Dark Lord's snake slid up his chair and coiled around his hand, hissing softly. He ran a thumb across its scales, lazily.

"There are various sorts of wizards in this world." Voldemort told me, not rushing himself at all. He seemed to put more emphasis on his tone, however. This was important. I had to listen.

"But the most important difference, dear, is those of us that have been born purely, and those that have not." His devious eyes flickered. "A wizard of muggle heritage is unnatural…unsophisticated. Their blood is warped and tainted with Muggle-like deficiencies. They've been poisoned by those with a lack of magic. By those simple creatures that do not and will not understand nor be aware of the superior race amongst them."

His eyes slid to his snake. "People cursed with such an existence are hindering us who can rise. Who can create a wizarding world in which the pure, _real _warlocks can thrive. In which people like you and I can exist without being disgraced by muggle-bred wizards and muggle-loving idealists who don't realise they are poisoning our society."

Voldemort leant back in his old chair and steepled his fingers, eyes resting on mine. It was unhinging.

"Why let them live, Ivarius? Should we continue to let ourselves be polluted? To let those of noble heritage, like those carrying the Black name, be placed on the same level as half-bloods? To _breed _with them, to create such a world in which there is no such thing as a true wizard? _Belittle _ourselves until our magic is so diluted we are no better than Muggles themselves?" his eyes glittered.

"No…" he breathed. "No, it is time to stop the problem. My Cause is the solution. I have committed myself to this responsibility, to this…unpleasant task and stepped up to take on the weight of such a position…for the greater good."

He closed his mouth and sat in silence for a long time, almost appearing lost in thought though his eyes didn't stray from me. Unconsciously I had begun to relax a little in the chair as he'd spoken and quickly straightened again, afraid to offend him.

He was hypnotizing to listen to. His voice was soft, tone lilting and softening but barely rising over a certain degree. I didn't even have to sort through what he'd said. His eyes assured me it was right. His intentions were just.

Am I being hypnotised…?

He tilted his head a little and the glint of his eye became more prominent. I blinked slowly.

It doesn't matter, I decided.

"Do you understand, Ivarius?" Voldemort asked silkily.

"Yes, sir," I said before I could shut my mouth. Oh, dammit, I just called him _sir. _It sounded stupid. I felt inept.

His mouth twitched. It was a dark, forbidding expression from him. "How old are you?"

"Sixteen, sir."

_Lord, _a voice coaxed in my mind. _Try Lord._

"I understand you are exceeding in both Charms and Transfiguration. Is that correct?"

"Yes…" I swallowed. "My Lord."

I didn't know what I was saying. I mean, I _knew, _but…it was almost like he was making me answer somehow.

"What do you fear the most?"

"Heights, my Lord."

"What do you treasure the most?"

"Family, my Lord."

"I see." Voldemort let his snake go and it slithered away, off the chair and disappearing past his feet. "Have you killed anyone before, Ivarius?"

"No," I replied softly. I was cold. I felt so cold.

"There are people who want us to fail. Who want us to die." Voldemort blinked slowly. "To protect ourselves, we must take care of threats before they can do us harm." He watched me through those unnatural eyes. "I am offering you an opportunity to be one of us, Ivarius. Should you join, it is a commitment for life. You can not and will not be able to leave."

I felt numb. Was he doing something to me?

He stood up with a strange grace I didn't expect. He was tall and almost unhealithily slender. His voice was more solid when he spoke again.

"Will you join me?"

I knew I did. I did and would. I will. For my family, I will.

"Yes, my Lord." I answered, as steadily as I possibly could, which wasn't at all steady.

His lips pulled upwards into a slow, forbidding smile.

"Excellent."

* * *


	7. Cry, Moan, Fear, Repeat

**

* * *

**

Cry, Moan, Fear, Repeat

Rosier brought me back to that little room, the room in which I'd been sitting for the past few hours. I was tired, and it was cold, but I wouldn't dare sleep or even shut my eyes. I was so close to hyperventilating. Painfully close.

What had just happened? I…spoke with…I was – was in the _presence _of the most powerful Dark Wizard in the world. I was…_charmed _by his _mannerisms…_I…I just…

I sold my soul.

I'm a Death Eater. They're going to brand me. I'm going to kill people. And I'm going to have to pretend to enjoy it.

When had this suddenly become wrong? When had I suddenly _decided _that everything my family has been drilling into my head wasn't the proper way to live? So – so Sirius got into trouble sometimes – I'd been able to see both sides of the coin, b-but – wouldn't this be – be easier if I was ignorant of him like Regulus and only saw what Mum showed me? Why can't I be like that? What's so different about the workings of my head that means I have to be partial to _good _instead of evil? It's because I still love Sirius, isn't it?

…of course it is. Regulus always had a dislike for Sirius. Sirius would never go easy on him, always push him as far as he could go. I suppose Regulus didn't see that Sirius was actually trying to help him look good in our parents' eyes. Mum and Dad always wanted the best and if Sirius hadn't pushed Regulus to be up to snuff…they would've neglected him. Maybe even used the Cructiatus Curse on him, like they did Sirius.

I'm different from Regulus in that way. Sirius never pushed me. I suppose he figured with the limelight on Regulus, Mum and Dad wouldn't pay much attention to me. He was right, of course. Sirius is a very intelligent person, despite how he may lead you to believe otherwise. And so while our parents were fawning over Regulus and Sirius wasn't 'fitting in' with any group, my eldest brother and I were together for a few short years before Sirius was shipped off to Hogwarts and, not soon afterwards, banned from the household permanently.

The door opened again and Rosier along with another man in the Death Eater cloak came in. I clasped my hands in my lap and looked at the both of them anxiously, wishing I had the conscious train of thought to get a Sugar Quill out of my pocket and put it in my mouth, if only to have something to chew and take my frustrations out on.

"Ivy," a familiar voice rang out as a head of pitch black hair pushed past the two. I felt a little relief bleed into me even as my face paled.

"Regulus."

He winked at me. "Knew he'd like you. You smart folk all seem to get along."

I was very happy to see Regulus, but at the same time, it made things worse. I wasn't used to lying, and even though ever since I left the Dark Lord's room I've been sheilding my mind, I was still very much on edge and Regulus knew me well enough to know when I wasn't sincere. Even though all I wanted to do was hug him, I knew that would give the appearance that I was scared here. And I wasn't supposed to be scared. I was supposed to be _excited _and that. So how do I act this out?

Sugar Quill. I need a Sugar Quill. I fumbled in my pocket – mindful of the miniature Penseive – and stuck one in my mouth as I stood up.

I've seen Regulus lie before, it can't be extremely difficult to do on a full-time basis.

"He must not like you, then," I commented. My words came out a little oddly clipped and slow because I was trying to keep my tone steady, but I suppose they looked over it as nervousness. "You're the dunce of the family, aren't you?"

He appeared indignant. "I brought home a good few OWLs last year, if you don't recall." He grinned again. "You've met Evan Rosier, haven't you?" Regulus nodded to the blonde man next to him who was still dressed in muggle clothes. "And this is Bella's newest snag, Rodolphus Lestrange."

The man glanced at me briefly as his name was mentioned. He was very pleasing to look at – of course he was, Bella only went for the best. Rusty brown hair and hateful, cold green eyes…yes, he was very much the kind of man she would go for. The Lestranges, they were a rich family, also. I wouldn't put it past Bella to marry him, if only for his money.

"Are we heading somewhere?" I asked, uncertain. Why were they standing in my doorway? It wasn't giving me a good feeling.

Regulus' grin flickered for a moment. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other glancing almost uncomfortably around the room before looking back at me. Not exactly at _me_, I should mention, but just past the tip of my right ear or so.

"The Dark Lord may have put it in…prettier terms," he began slowly. "But in this line of work…you're going to have to…hurt other things, Ivy. You know that, right?"

I nodded slowly. Where is he going with this? Regulus cleared his throat quietly.

"You've never used an Unforgivable Curse before so there would probably be no affect on your opponent if you were to try." Rosier stated aloud and bluntly. He obviously wasn't patient enough to wait for Regulus. "So you're going to practise on a Mudblood or two until you get it right."

Slowly, the words slid through my brain and computed. Unfogivable Curses…they wanted me to kill…torture…possess…

"…oh."

* * *

I had to want to do it.

To make an Unforgivable Curse work, you had to _want _to control them, kill them, torture them.

I stared at the man, this skinny-looking, half-starved man bound to a chair in the middle of an otherwise empty room.

He had to mean nothing to me. I had to want to cause him pain. I had to want to hear him scream, want to watch him writhe in pain.

I swallowed painfully. My grip shifted on my wand. I didn't want to. I couldn't fake-hurt someone. I couldn't even hurt an animal. I couldn't. I can't.

But I had to.

I did. I would. I had to. To protect Sirius and myself. To stay alive. I'm scared of dying. I want to stay alive.

But I can't. He's just sitting there, looking terrified. I _can't. _I'm not violent, I'm just – I never talk, I never get into trouble, I just – I'm _invisible _and I always have been and – and _why? _I'm not supposed to be the one pretending to be strong. I'm supposed to be on the sidelines. Never thought of. Never part of anything important. I can't. _I can't. _

I had to.

I raised my wand and he flinched. For a moment I thought of just turning and running, but that wouldn't work. There were too many here. Waiting outside the door.

"_Imperio." _

The man straightened in his chair. I watched him, feeling a little cold chill crawl across my brain. _Swing your feet._

His moved his feet back and forth, as if on a swing.

_Speak. 'I am a Mudblood.'_

As I thought the words, him mouth opened and he repeated them instantaneously through a croaky voice. My wand dropped. He relaxed in the chair and shuddered, blinking at me fearfully.

I have to want to hurt him. To cause him pain. To make his heart explode and his lungs rip apart…I have…I have to want to hear him scream…

I don't want to. I don't want to. Sirius, I don't want to. Take me home. I want to go home.

I raised my wand. _"Crucio." _Nothing happened. The man, unable to take waiting for his doom, started crying. My heart jumped to my throat.

How? How do I make myself want to hurt him? I don't want to. This sort of thing is for people who – who truly hate Mudbloods and I…no. I have to. I have to hate.

I want to hurt him. I want to hurt him. I want to see him scream. I want his pain.

"_Crucio."_

He screamed. He shrieked and yelled and writhed and strained at his binds as I tortured him with only the tilt of my wand. All I was doing was pointing a little wooden stick at him, and he was experiencing the most grave torture he'd ever felt in his life.

I stared at him. I forgot to stop. My mind wasn't all with me anymore. I looked at this frail little man and wondered what it felt like, what he was going through. Could he think? Was his mind still coherent?

I blinked abruptly and was back to Earth once again. I lifted the curse and he resumed crying, slumped in his chair and hardly moving as if he had nothing left.

Now there was only one more left. Killing curse. Killing. He'd die. I couldn't take it back and he couldn't deflect it. I had to kill him. I had to want to kill him.

Oh Merlin. Oh…no. No. I can't. Can't. Won't. Couldn't. I'm scared. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't. Don't. I can't.

But I had to. I had to. _I have to kill him. _Kill. I do. I will. I need to kill. Him. Killhimkillhimkillhimkillhimkillhim –

"_Avada Kedarva!"_

The flash of green light was blinding. The force of the spell nearly knocked me off my feet, there was a roaring in my ears as if something was rushing through the air –

And then nothing.

Empty, dead blue eyes stared back at me.

Distantly, I heard the door open. "Brilliant," Regulus mentioned lightly, patting my shoulder. "He snuffed it, first try. You're good at this, my dear sister. Now come on, then, Rosier's going to brand you. It hurts, and since you're such a baby you'll surely end up bawling, so make sure you hang in there as best you can, alright?" Regulus offered me a charming smile as he pulled me out the door.

I didn't see where we were walking because my eyes weren't focused on the present. I didn't notice Rosier was with us until he pushed up the sleeve of my shirt and bared my forearm. I hardly realised I was sitting down. Infact, I was only thrown back into focus when something sharp tapped my forehead. Icy blue eyes stared coldly at me.

"You killed something, Black. Stop thinking of it."

The Mudblood's eyes had been blue…

Something sharp and hot pressed into my arm suddenly and I gasped, sitting up straight and automatically attempting to grab Rosier's hand. He slammed me back down in the chair with brutal force. I just broke down crying after that, as if he'd knocked the tears right out of me.

"Stop that," Rosier got out distastefully. "It was just a little pain. Stop."

Stop. I can't. I don't want to force myself to do things anymore. I killed. I'm evil. I'm on the wrong side. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck and I won't get out without being killed first –

Rosier hit me.

Just as abruptly as it had started, my crying stopped as he dragged me to my feet, scowling the entire time, and pulled me out the door before shoving me right into my room. Without a word he slammed the door shut.

I fell on the floor and sat there as I started crying again, this time feeling the tears leak out slowly. I didn't sob as loudly, afraid to anger Rosier. I curled into myself, hugging my arm to my chest. It took me a while to finally remember that there was a tattoo there now, and slowly I drew my throbbing arm back to stare at the dark, vivid skull burned into my skin, a snake slithering through the teeth like a tongue.

I continued to cry as quietly as I could.

Blue eyes…

* * *

It was dark in the room when I opened my eyes. I didn't know I'd fallen asleep, but…oh well. It's not important, I suppose.

No. I suppose not.

I rifled in my left pocket and picked out the extra quill I kept there separated from my Sugar Quills so I wouldn't eat it by accident. It surprised me to find a scrap of parchment in there, too. I didn't remember putting any parchment in my pocket.

I flipped it over to study both sides and found it to be blank. It inclined me to write on it. I walked over to the tiny desk in the corner and sat down, surrpised to find the inkwell was full.

But what do I write?

I sighed. I don't care. I just…I need to do something. I'm…I need to.

I dipped my quill in the ink.

_Ivarius Black. _I wrote at the top of the page. I was about to write something else, when to my shock, words appeared below mine.

_Mr Moony greets Miss Black cordially, and kindly inquires as to her health._

I stared at the words blankly. But more came.

_Mr Prongs would like to mention that he hopes Miss Black reuturns to school soon, as a certain someone is becoming nearly unbearably loud and annoying._

You can't be serious. How - ?

_Mr Padfoot would also like to inquire as to Miss Black's well-being, and wishes to remind Mr Prongs that he knows exactly where that comment was pointed, you git._

My jaw dropped. This…no way…

_Mr Wormtail asks if Miss Black practised to get her writing so tiny and asks if she has any Sugar Quills left._

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Remus, Peter, Sirius and James. How – how did this – _what? _How did I get this parchment? And how are they talking to me on it?

Wait a moment…when I left – Remus ran into me. Did he slip it in my pocket?

I gaped at the paper a moment longer.

**You four are absolute wankers. **

_Mr Padfoot frowns upon Miss Black's less-than-polite reply, and suggests she act nicely to her relatives._

_Mr Moony mentions that Mr Prongs is hypocritical._

_Mr Prongs notices that Miss Black skillfully avoided every single bloody question she was asked and pleads she answer for the sake of his sanity because Mr Padfoot happens to be ready to wet himself._

_Mr Wormtail hopes Mr Prongs will quit now while he's still alive and Mr Padfoot hasn't made a nutter of himself infront of the class._

I sighed heavily. Any conversation with these people was going to take forever. Bloody Marauders.

**Miss Black decides that the Marauders should be paying attention to their teacher instead on inquiring to her health.**

_Mr Prongs comments that the Marauders happen to be profound geniuses that don't even need to be in school anymore and should in fact have a holiday named after them._

_Mr Padfoot agrees with Mr Prongs, and demands his beloved sister spill her guts to him sometime soon before he hunts her down._

_Mr Moony would like to point out that Professor Ratchett happens to be half blind in any case, and also that Mr Prongs has no hope of knowing where Miss Black is._

_Mr Wormtail mentions he has to leave the conversation, as he must depart to the lavatory._

_Mr Prongs expresses his worry that Mr Wormtail will fall in._

**Miss Black wants to make it painfully clear that she does not approve of using class time in such a fashion.**

_Mr Moony wishes to assure Miss Black before Mr Prongs or Mr Padfoot make any more vulgar comments that they have indeed successfully finished their work. _

_Mr Prongs would like Mr Moony to notice that he does not appreciate Mr Moony's nattering._

**I'm fine. You can all go back to work now.**

_Sirius would like to tell Ivy that we see anything wet that drops onto the page. _

What? What nonesense was he writing now? I paused and studied the page only to notice teardrops on it. I didn't even notice they were falling.

_Mr Prongs reminds Mr Padfoot to call himself his codename to make the message look more important._

_Mr Padfoot would appreciate it if Mr Prongs would hex himself._

_Mr Moony hopes Miss Black will ignore their antics and content herself with telling the truth now._

**It's…dark, here. Like there's a weight over the house. **

_Mr Prongs would like to express his surprise that Voldie's happy little home isn't a cave or something equally as unorthodox._

_Mr Padfoot is eager to learn when Miss Black is coming home._

**I don't know. I'd really rather not ask anyone here. They aren't very friendly. **

My door opened. I dropped the quill instantly and shoved the parchment into my pocket. Bella walked into the room.

"Ivy!" she threw her arms around me. "Oh, what a _wonderful _day for you, darling! I can't wait to tell your mother-,"

"Am I going back to Hogwarts?" I asked as she let go.

"We _were _going to introduce you to more Death Eaters," Bella sighed. "But Avery's already left and so Rodulphus, Regulus and I are the only ones here. Why? Something important coming up?"

I scanned my head for something. "Lucius' birthday, of course," I murmured, feeling relief spread over me. "I need to get a head start on a few…_choice _preparations."

Her blood red lips curved upwards. "You're absolutely horrid to that boy. Sometimes I pity poor Malfoy." She nudged me through the door. "Well, come on then. Let's find Regulus and he can Apparate the both of you there."

It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, right then, to walk around that old house with a dispassionate face.

* * *

"Miss Black. So glad you could join us."

A few people glanced up as I walked in. Some of them made nice comments on my hair…Amber had braided it this morning while I was still half alseep. I kept my head down, however, and sat at the back of the clas sinstead of my usual place at the front.

This was my first day back. Regulus had dropped me off last night with the promise that he'd be home in time for Lucius' birthday in three days. I'd gone straight to bed, even though someone had mentioned Dumbledore wanted to talk to me, and the piece of parchment in my pocket had heated up to the point of pain, and my roomates had all woken me at one o'clock in the morning to bombard me with questions about where I'd been. Apparently everyone thought I'd been in the Hospital Wing, which is logical I suppose considering the last time anyone saw me I was unconscious.

However I wasn't in the mood for them. In fact I didn't feel like I was in the mood for anything at all, really. I stared off in space for an entire class, which has never happened before, I had skipped breakfast this morning and had been late coming to class…in fact I hadn't even left the dormitory until five minutes ago. But I can't ignore them forever.

I looked around at my classmates. They were all writing or listening or passing notes…doing regular things. I didn't feel as though it was my place to take part in that sort of thing anymore. I'd…_killed _somebody yesterday, and was _praised _for it. Isn't there something wrong with that? Why am I being encouraged to do it?

And…and how could I ever face Sirius? How could I tell him what had happened? What I'd done?

"Miss Black?"

I slowly looked up at Professor Hyde. It felt so strange to be back in school, like I deserved to be here. "Yes, professor?"

"Perhaps you would like to tell me how a Pollywog draws in its prey?"

What in Merlin's name is a Pollywog? Professor Hyde saw my clueless expression and frowned. "It's not like you to drift in the middle of a lecture," she commented. "Don't let it happen again."

I wonder if she's ever killed anyone. "Yes, professor."

Do I deserve to be here…? I feel dirty. I feel…disgusting. I feel like crying again, but of course there's no place for tha sort of secrecy. Not here, nor anywhere.

Class ended not long afterwards, but I wasn't in the mood for lunch. I instead wandered down to the library. Professor McGonagall wanted a three-page essay on either an Animagus or Metamorphus and I should get that done. I found a book, sat down at a desk already rather littered with other people's abandoned books and parchments, and slowly turned to page one.

Animagi interested me more than Metamorphi. I already know one of each, Professor McGonagall herself being a Animagus and my young relative, Nymphadora Tonks, the doctors at St. Mungos said that she was a Metamorphus when she was born. Very young, she is, but I've never seen her. I'm not aloud to speak to that part of the family. But anyway, I've always had more of a liking for animals than people, I suppose, and so I'll do my essay on Animagi instead. That is, if I can find anything worth taking note of in this book.

"You won't find much in that one."

I jumped and dropped the book, bolting up from my chair while whipping around at the same time. "S-Sirius!"

Sirius grinned lightly at me. "I think Remus has some good books on Animagi," he mentioned, as if there was, in fact, nothing at all wrong. "You should ask him."

There was a heavy, heavy feeling blocking up my chest. I met his eyes briefly and immediately turned away; I couldn't look at him. What would he think of me after what I'd done? I feel so ashamed of myself…of my actions…

"Hey," Sirius frowned at me, the cheeriness fading from his face to be replaced by seriousness. "You alright?"

"I…" I swallowed and found myself staring down at the corner of the table. Slowly, I picked up my discarded book. "O-of course I am."

I walked away from him to put the book on its proper shelf and only felt the heaviness in my chest get heavier. I swallowed again and wished, desperately, that I was somewhere else. I didn't want him to look at me…he'd had such hope in me, and I'd…I'd…

"Ivy-,"

I jerked away when he touched my shoulder and moved quickly towards the door, making sure he didn't see my face. "I-I'm hungry," I mentioned shakily. "I-I'll see you later, okay?"

I was out of there in a split second and, without another option, walked into the Great Hall. I shuddered as I walked down the table to my usual place and sat down, staring down at my own distorted reflection in the plate. The feeling was still there.

A large serving of noodles was spooned onto my plate, obscuring my view of my reflection. Startled, I glanced up only to find Lucius leaning across the table slightly, a large sppon held in one hand while his cheek rested on his free fist, a lazy smirk spread across his face.

"You're a twig." He tapped my plate with the spoon, smirk widening. "Eat something."

"Lucius," Severus' monotone slid through the air next to me, though he was still immersed in his book.

Lucius ignored him and tapped my plate again. "Well, Death Eater?"

I flinched and hoped he didn't notice. He did, though, and chuckled darkly.

"What's wrong, lovely?" he asked silkily, setting the spoon down and leaning even more over the table. "Don't you like snuffing the maggots?"

My heart jumped to my throat. Severus looked up this time. "_Lucius,_" he hissed.

Lucius still seemed too amused with me. "Or maybe it was the screaming that you didn't like?" he asked, voice dropping so that the people nearby wouldn't hear. My eyes widened. How could he talk so easily about that? "_I _personally think that's the best part. Especially when they start begging and crying – seeing grown men scream for their mothers is absolutely hilarious-,"

Something suddenly hit the side of his head. His elbow landed in the pudding. We all stared at the silver spoon that fell with a clatter onto the table.

"Don't listen to Malfoy," Regulus said from down the table, looking directly at me with a cheery smile. "He's had one too many knocks to the head."

Lucius' eyes were wide as he stared at Regulus indignantly. "You could've killed me!"

"And _you,_" Regulus looked at him and his expression immediately became threatening. "Shut up. Git."

"_Whaaat?_"

"Don't you know _anything?_"

"Oh, stop spoiling my fun, Black. I don't usually get to unhinge her."

"I don't usually get to hex you to oblivion, either, but I'm sure that could be arranged."

I stood up. Severus stared up at me. "Where are you going?"

"Outside," I answered distractedly. I didn't really know, or care, so long as I was away from everybody else. "Not hungry…"

I wandered off and down the hall. Outside was very cold. Everything had a thin layer of snow on it. All the trees were bare, there were no birds chirping…

I took a walk around the lake. The squid followed me around for a while, which I found to be nice company, but after a while he was attracted to some other students on the opposite, more populated side of the lake. I sighed quietly and sat myself down against a tree. My eyes closed. I wanted to sleep, but I wasn't tired. I was hungry, but I didn't want to eat. I was sad, but I didn't want to cry.

Instead I stared at the tree across from me. "I'm such a child."

I depended on everyone. Lucius, Severus, Regulus, Sirius, I depended on them all to support me, to make my life easier. I'm so selfish. I leant on them, asked them to help me take care of my problems or even take care of my problems for me, and always was a shadow tagging along whever they went. Without them I'd be nothing. I can't do anything on my own. I'm useless. I'm pointless. I'm evil. I'm a murderer.

I'm a _murderer. _I'm a _monster. _

"…Ivarius?"

Startled, I looked up to first notice that big, black dog sitting right next to me. It nearly scared me to death. It was just _sitting _there, completely _still, _like it was purposely watching me, or knew to be silent. I realised a pair of legs were next to it and looked up to see Remus Lupin staring down at me, a soft expression on his face.

The dog stepped over me to snuggle into my other side as Remus knelt down, a faint flicker of what looked to me to be a tired smile moving across his face. "You must be a little cold out here."

He didn't know I was a killer, either. I glanced away. Remus sat down and continued. "Did you just come back last night?"

I nodded, not looking at him but staring down at my knees. He sighed softly.

"Look," he began gently. "You and I have never properly spoken to eachother, and I realise that you're scared of looking at me right now," I stiffened. "But I think…I think that I could…help you, if you'd like me to."

Slowly, I shook my head, staring down at the dog. "You…thank…you," I began slowly, shakily. "But you can't help me…" I folded my arms and squeezed them tightly, trying to find a sense of security. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them. The dog edged closer to lie on my feet.

Remus' voice didn't rise at all. "Why not?" he asked in a strange, soothing voice that seemed the sort you would use on a scared animal.

My hands tightened when I thought of those empty, staring blue eyes. "I…" I was going to cry soon, I realised. "I'm a monster."

Why was I telling this to a stranger? Why was he here, asking me about it? Did Sirius put him up to this?

"Of course not." Remus vocie was slightly firmer now, but also held a strange note to it. "Why would you think that of yourself?"

"I did something terrible…"

"…did you?"

I _was _crying now. "Yes," I moaned. "Yes, I did. I'm terrible. I'm evil. I'm useless, worthless…"

"Ivarius," Remus began pacingly, very tentatively touching my shoulder with one fingertip. "Ivy. I know…this may be hard to grasp. But…I…understand."

I stilled. I looked up at him and found him watching me closely, warily. "Have you ever killed someone?"

He didn't shy away, but anwered quietly. "I don't know."

We sat there for a second, staring at eachother. I didn't know whether to believe him or not. I didn't know whether this was some sort of prank, or if he was only doing this because Sirius asked him to, or what was going on…but…

"No one…" I took a breath, feeling my eyes water again. "No one has the right to take someone else's life."

"No." he replied. "They don't."

He was so serious, and it was the first time I had ever seen such a stony expression on the Marauder's face that I was almost fascinated by it, even as the tears started once more.

"Am I evil?" I asked softly.

"No," another, different voice answered. The tears started coming harder as arms wrapped around me from the side and Sirius pulled me into his lap. "No, Ivy, of course you're not. You're not evil. Damnit, you should have told me earlier…"

"You don't hate me?"

"_No_," he insisted firmly. "No, _no, _I _don't…_" I heard him sigh and say in an undertone, "I knew this would happen."

"But…Sirius…" I moaned. "I…I tortured him and…possessed him and…and _killed _him a-and I'm going to have to do it again and again and again for the rest – rest of my life…"

"I can't change that," he replied sharply. "Don't you think I've tried? Don't you think I did everything I could to _keep you away _from Voldemort? It's Dumbledore's fault!"

"It's not Dumbledore's fault," I heard Remus say softly.

"It _is _Dumbledore's fault!" Sirus snapped at him heatedly. "He just let her go! He just let her walk out! He _knew _what Bella was doing – he _knew _where they were going – and you!" he turned on me now, I knew, even though my head was buried in his cloak.

"Sirius," Remus began in a very, very soft voice.

"I _told _you not to, didn't I? I _said _you shouldn't, I _said _you could run away, but then you walked right out of Dumbledore's Office without any help, didn't you? You thought it'd be a load of fun, meeting Voldemort and getting yourself branded and torturing innocent people, didn't you? But you don't like murder so much now do you, huh?"

His anger was like a match. It could ignite instantly. And there I was, crying shamelessly infront of two seventh years. I knew Sirius was only frustrated, that his anger wasn't really, purposely meant to hurt me, and that my eldest brother just knew no other way to express how bothered he was…but still, it hurt to hear his tone so brittle when he talked to me.

Since when was I so sympathetic about him? Several years apart without so much of a word to eachother, and this is how I act after only a month or so of being back in contact with him?

How stupid. Naïve. Gullible.

My forehead creased. I frowned and moved away from Sirius until I had enough room to get up.

I'm not stupid. I'm not naïve. I'm not gullible.

My fingers smoothed over eachother slowly. I'm Slytherin.

Remus looked from me to Sirius in a remorseful manner. Sirius was watching me with a brief frown. "Where are you going?"

I moved a step back. I'm Death Eater.

"Ivy!" I heard someone calling a long ways away, but my eyes stayed on the two boys. Slowly, my hands relaxed at my sides and I moved another step back.

I _am _evil.

I don't deserve them.

"Ivy? Ivy! Where the bloody hell have you frolicked off to?"

I couldn't say anything to them. Slowly, I turned, and moved past the treeline to walk back towards the castle with my eyes on the ground.

Goodbye, big brother. I think it's time we parted ways.

* * *


	8. The Death of Lucius Malfoy

**yup, it's a long one. Don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

**

The Death of Lucius Malfoy

"Just eat the frog, Ivarius."

My mouth tugged downwards. "I don't want to," I mumbled, watching the little froggie hop around the table over my folded arms.

Slytherin Common Room was empty. _Virtually _empty, I should say, since there's some wanker in the back corner drinking something that certainly didn't look like pumpkin juice. Severus was watching me watch my Chocolate Frog, just because he has a tendency to get annoyed with me even though I'm _not bothering him. _

A week from today will be Christmas Holidays, during which I have to go back home and attend all of the grand parties that pureblood Slytherin families host. _Fun. _Luckily enough for me, Lucius and Severus have to go too.

Severus still hadn't looked up from his book, so I've no idea how he can find me so bothersome. "Ivarius."

I ignored him for the moment. It's not my fault I can't eat a Chocolate Frog. I like my food _inanimate _when it goes into my mouth, thank you. Besides, the frog is cute. I think I'll name him Robert.

SLAM.

A _huge _old book was dropped on the table, right over poor Robert. I nearly fell out of my chair in shock before glaring at my brother.

"Reggie, you killed Robert."

"She gave it a name…" I heard Severus mutter skeptically under his breath.

No matter. I have Salem here to comfort me in my time of need. I've been trying to teach him how to scratch Lucius' eyes out, but no success quite yet.

Yes, it's been a month or so since I was branded. I haven't done much. Just tagging along with Regulus or Lucius, mostly, and producing the Dark Mark in the sky. Severus isn't very responsive on the entire subject. In fact, I don't think there's been a time as of yet where he and I have both been present in the Dark Lord's hideout at the same time. He still says I'm not cut out for this work.

I can't imagine why he thinks that. I only refuse to eat Chocolate Frogs because they're cute and life-like, and carry a heavy supply of Sugar Quills on me at all times. I only hop around the Common Room once in a while when no one's around just before bed to get rid of that extra stamina.

…hm.

Can you see I'm making an effort? I'm trying. It's a bit easier, it seems, to try and take all this Dark Eater business on with good humor. I'm even getting better at lying, and once or twice Reggie even opted to help me learn better dueling skills.

I'll tell you right now, though. The Dark Mark _hurts _when it starts burning.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" Reggie asked me. He's been grumpy today, ever since he walked out of a broom closet in the West Wing, or so Severus tells me.

"It's only ten o'clock," I commented, rubbing Salem's teeny little head with a finger. To his credit, he's gotten bigger. I haven't seen the dog around lately, though…

Reggie grunted and threw himself down in the big, dark green chair opposite Severus. Severus was kind enough to act as though we weren't present, and continued with reading his book. Git.

"Where's Lucius?" my brother asked in a peeved voice.

"With Narcissa." Severus turned a page in his book.

Wait. I have an essay due tomorrow. My jaw dropped as I straightened at the little table.

Severus' eyes flicked upwards as though he sensed my shock. "What?"

He sounds oh-so-interested. "I…" I put a hand to my head in shock and stood up. "I…I forgot about an essay."

This has never happened before. I got up quickly whilst setting Salem down and picked up some parchment.

"Ooh, be still my heart," Reggie muttered.

"Regulus, give me a quill."

"What makes you think I have a quill?"

"_Give me a quill, _Regulus. And stop slouching there with a dark cloud over your head."

He gave me a dirty look but handed the quill over. I picked up Salem and jogged towards the door. I knew Severus was rolling his eyes.

"Don't get caught."

"I'll be sneaky," I opted before dodging out the door. All was quiet outside. Still, I had to go up only _one _staircase.

Problem?

_Mrs. Norris._

Now anybody could slide past Filch. But _that cat _is the most _aggravating _animal that ever walked on two legs. It's like a fuzzy little Tattle Tale minion to the Filch.

And don't get me wrong. I don't usually sneak out. But there's been a time or two that I've fallen asleep outside and woken up in the middle of the night only to have to tiptoe my way through the front halls.

And that door is _not _easy to keep from squeaking.

But! But! That's where little Salem comes in. He can sense Mrs. Norris a mile off. I set him on the ground and started walking with the little cat following behind me. If Mrs. Norris was anywhere close by, Salem would stop and I wouldn't be able to hear his little bell.

My destination is the library. Who says I can't write a good essay in one night? I'll just…work hard at it. That's it.

The stair gave me some trouble, especially because I couldn't tell where I was going and ended up tripping twice, but I dare not light my wand. At least not until I'm alone in the library.

The castle has a certain haunted feel to it in the dark. It was certainly not where I wanted to be, creeping through the enormous hall with a quiet chime of Salem's bell trailing after me. The suits of armor and pictures watched me pass by, and it certainly didn't help ease my nerves.

Salem stopped behind me. I stiffened, picked him up, and went through the unlocked door on my left. Salem tried to climb onto my shoulder using his claws, which caused a lot of pain on my part. Trying to pull out the sharp little things, I glanced back at the room we were standing in.

It was an empty classroom. Imagine that, a classroom in a school. Though I must say how nice the light looked as it came through the window there. Curiously, a walked over and set in the desk that was placed in the very middle of all of them. Setting Salem on the desk, I leant back and stared up at the shadowy ceiling.

I felt tired. Which was idiotic because I hadn't woken up early today, or done anything very stressing…

"How stupid," I murmured out loud before taking out my wand and whispering _'lumos'. _

And here I was, dilly-dallying when I should be going to work. This isn't like me, to procrastinate. Never once have I not finished an essay on time, let alone _forgotten _about one. Should I be this distracted? Was Death Eater business dragging down my grades?

No, I suppose it's my own laziness. I've slacked off, and working for the Cause is no reason to be such. Maybe I should start making regular night visits to the library, if this is what's going to happen.

Making up my mind, I put out my wand and got up again. My head was congested and tired. But of course that's only my laziness acting up again. After picking up Salem again I went out the door. I sighed briefly before putting Salem down again and wandering closer to the library. A few more minutes and I was able to wander through its doors after a quietly whispered '_Alohamora_'.

The library looked a lot more…_ominous _in the dark, I noticed, as I re-lit my wand. I glanced around carefully before moving to the Transfiguration section. I really, certainly didn't need to fail this Advanced Transfiguration assignment.

I picked out a big book, pulled it off the shelf, and nearly fell over with how heavy it was. Not to mention the _dust. _Hefting under my shoulder was labourous but not impossible, and so soon enough I was sitting at a table.

_Opening _it was even worse. I coughed and coughed from all the dust this book had. For Merlin's sake…you think they'd clean these things every once in a while. Finally I leaned back in my chair and tried to fan away a bit of the dust.

"Want some help?"

I was so shocked I accidentally pushed my feet against the ground and caused my chair to tip backwards. Hands grabbed it and carefully replaced it on all four legs before Remus Lupin sat down in the chair across from me.

It took a moment for his presence to sink in.

I then propped the book up and hid behind it. Whilst trying to ignore the Old Book Smell, and pretending to be actually reading the thing. What did he want?

"No help, then."

I reached out and grabbed my parchment and quill.

"I see," I heard him state aloud. "Alright. I'll leave you to it."

I waited five minutes for the reassuring sound of his chair scraping on the floor as he stood up, but there was nothing. Finally, I chanced to peek out from behind my book.

And there he was, sitting, reading his _own _book and occasionally writing something down on the parchment next to him. A Gryffindor. _Willingly _sitting at the same table as a Slytherin. Not to mention he _knew _I was a Death Eater. And he's older than me, too.

Wait. This was probably Sirius' idea or something. It figures – I see hair nor hide of him for something like two months and suddenly _Remus Lupin _just plops himself down at my table. When there are _hundreds of other tables to choose from. _Not to mention the fact that he happens to be in here after hours, when _I'm _in here! I see now, it was all a ploy! They were trying to lull me into a false sense of security!

I snapped the book shut. It made a very loud noise around the empty library, which made me instantly regret doing it, but I didn't tell _him _that. Instead I stood up and started walking towards the door.

Oh, but I really needed to get that assignment done. I don't want a black mark on my perfect record…and I was here first!

I stopped and glanced back at the man. He was sitting there, hand paused, and looking at me patiently. I swallowed but slowly moved back to sit at another table far, far away from him. Then I got up to find another book.

It tugged at the back of my mind that Remus was most likely spying on me for Sirius. I couldn't think of another reason he'd be here. But maybe if I just ignore him, he'll give up and leave…

I found another book and sat down before flipping through the old, heavy book I'd already picked out. It was easy enough to find some pages that held what I was looking for, but I had to practically read the entire small book since information was scattered everywhere throughout it in between the dull and boring lectures and descriptions. Which, now that I think about it, is a very clever technique. Bloody author is making me read all of the nonsense she put in here to find anything even remotely _useful. _

I yawned and scratched down another sentence on the parchment. Essays weren't all that difficult in all reality. Five paragraph structure, opening statement, and conclusion.

I wondered briefly what time it was after a finally came to the conclusion and signed my name at the bottom. I was so tired. I glanced up to look around for a clock only to see _him. _

He. Was. Sitting. Across from me. _Again. _When had he moved there? I hadn't heard anything at all. But now he was sort of making me upset. I already had Regulus on my case half the time, I didn't need Sirius' little minions spying on me, either.

My voice was a bit squeakier than I'd have hoped. "Why don't you just tell Sirius-,"

"Sirius doesn't know I'm here."

My mouth shut. Remus raised his head slightly from where he'd been bent over his page to look at me. "It's only me."

"I don't know you."

"You could."

My mouth felt dry. "You're a Gryffindor."

"Discrimination doesn't suit you." He looked calm and tired and smart and it bothered me to an extreme. It was like he knew millions of things about me that _I _didn't even know about me. "You don't seem like the type."

I felt stupid. "You don't know me, either."

His brown eyes were very soft to look at. "Are you sure?"

I wasn't. Especially when he looked as though I was completely transparent. To distract myself I picked up the books I'd removed from the shelves and stood. "Please leave me alone," I said shakily before moving to the bookshelves. He didn't move from his seat behind me and that gave me the feeling that he was completely comfortable even in my presence. It bothered me to think that this seventh year Gryffindor wasn't afraid I'd rat on him to any of my other Death Eater friends.

"There's no harm in being appreciated, Ivy."

My head snapped around in surprise. "I _am _appreciated," I stated automatically. He held my gaze.

"Are you sure?" he asked again.

I don't know. He's not letting me think. What was that supposed to mean, anyways? Of course I was appreciated, Regulus and mother and father and Snape and Lucius all appreciated me…

"To be accepted as _who you are,_" Remus continued gently. "Not as what you let your friends and family see."

I could feel a chill crawling up my spine as he spoke. No one's talked like this before, at least not to me. And certainly no complete stranger has ever come up to me and started – started…making these strange proclamations…that…I don't…

His voice had softened as he'd spoken. "There's no harm in that, is there?"

The books in my hands suddenly felt much heavier. I knew I was paling. "…why…why are you…being…" …kind.

He smiled slightly, that fatigued, worn smile he was always wearing around school, and carefully closed his textbook. "I told you already," he responded simply. "I understand."

I stared at him for a full minute, unsure of what I should do. No, that wasn't right – I _knew _what I should do, and that was to leave the library right now, but instead I found myself walking towards my chair, pulling it out, and sitting down.

He looked a bit happier for a short moment before he opened up his book again and started working. I watched confusedly. Was there something I was supposed to do?

"What were you working on?" he asked me, head still bent to him parchment.

"…Advanced Transfigurations…"

He glanced up briefly, appearing slightly surprised. "Really? So you'd be studying at the sixth year level?"

"Only in Charms and Transfigurations," I answered. "The only way I got through Potions was with Severus' help…"

As the night rolled on and I continued sitting there, talking with someone I hardly knew, I couldn't help but think that midnight stops in the library weren't so terrible to have, after all.

* * *

"Something's very, very wrong."

"I agree. Do you think someone jinxed her?"

"That might be the case."

"I haven't been jinxed," I muttered in annoyance.

"Do I sense some _irritation? _Not from _my _beloved sister, surely-,"

I grabbed something off the table that felt heavy and whacked him with it. He yelped.

Yes, I was tired. And yes, my so-called friends are being gits. So what if my face is resting on the table? I'm too hungry to eat and too tired to sleep. Maybe staying up so late last night wasn't the best idea.

"I wouldn't have thought you'd been up so late just for an essay." I heard Severus comment.

"Well, I lost Salem." Which was true. I _had _lost Salem. I'd accidentally shut the door to the library before he could wander in, and the really bad thing is that I didn't even notice until I left.

Today we head to Hogsmeade. Christmas shopping and all that. I think I'll send an owl to Dad and then drown my sorrows in Butterbeer for the rest of the week. Somewhere in there I have to stop by Honeydukes and stock up of Sugar Quills. My stash has dropped dramatically…I'm down to my last three hundred. I suppose it serves me right for forgetting to go into Honeydukes on our last trip into Hogsmeade…

"Who's Salem?" A sharp hiss of a whisper startled me out of my thoughts. I started slightly, sat up and looked behind me.

It was that girl from before, the one Severus had drugged. Natasha is her name, I think, or at least that's what the curly-haired gossipy girl told me the last time I wasn't able to avoid her. Apparently, she was a notorious Seventh Year who went by her own rules.

I blinked up at her. There were two other girls flanking either side of her. "…cat," I responded after a second. Not sure what she wanted with me.

"Cat, eh?" she began brusquely. I wondered at the change in attitude. She looked much prettier angry and scathing, but for some reason I found myself getting irritated by looking at her. _Fascinating…_

"Figures a rich shrew such as yourself would-,"

Regulus was up in one casual second with his wand out.

INTERVENTION!

I got up just as quickly and grabbed his wrist with a little strangled noise. Natasha looked between us with disdain.

"And here's the _big bad brother, _coming to defend his sister's lovely pride. What's the story behind the All-Revered Blacks, anyways?" she demanded coolly. I blinked. What was that supposed to mean?

Natasha continued, folding her arms smoothly across her chest. Regulus tried to wrangle his wrist from me and nearly pulled me across the floor in the process.

"Regulus," I hissed.

"Shut up," he hissed back. He turned back to Natasha with narrowed eyes. "You got a problem with my family, Quincy?"

"Not at all," she replied softly, eyes glittering. "I'm just curious…the Black line is _so _respected, yet no one really _knows _what goes on behind those closed doors…for all we know, your dad could be a fag and your dear old mum, a prostitu-,"

The word never completely left her mouth. Very abruptly Miss Natasha Quincy was slammed into the wall, having been hit by about four curses at once. Confused, I turned to see Severus and Lucius sitting quietly, innocently picking at their dinner. Alright, they looked _innocent. _That was evidence enough it was them who fired the two other hexes.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?"

Oh dear, oh dear, Professor Slughorn! QUICK! I MUST COME UP WITH SOMETHING!

…I KNOW!

"P-Professor," I sniffed, chucking my wand under the table discreetly. Regulus had been closest to the Head Table, and so I doubt the teachers would have been able to see me. I stepped out from behind Reggie, wringing my fingers together anxiously and putting on a distressed face.

Slughorn gave me a stern look. "What is it, Black? What happened here?" he barked.

"O-oh," I moaned in despair, putting my fingers meekly over my mouth. "Oh, Professor, Natasha said – s-said terrible such terrible things – I – I didn't," I pretended to paused in long-suffering.

Ha ha. Slughorn looked rather uncomfortable. "Now, now, Miss Black," he began awkwardly, giving my shoulder a brief little pat. "It couldn't have been all that bad."

"But it _was, _Professor," I sobbed. "I don't dare repeat it…she…she was talking terrible things about my dear, _dear, _family-,"

"I see," Slughorn replied, obviously flustered. "Well, no need for tears, Miss Black…why don't you sit down and have a nice cup of cocoa?" He ushered me back into my seat and summoned a large, steaming mug before me.

I sniffed. "O-okay."

"That's the ticket," Slughorn pat my shoulder again – which hurt – and practically dashed back to the Head Table. I could hear McGonagall giving him an earful for not checking on Natasha, who was lying in a heap with bat wings, tentacles and what appeared to be _fur _all over her. Her companions had scurried away after a fierce look from Reggie.

I waited a few moments before the tearful look dropped and I went about sipping my cocoa.

"Mm," I swung my legs under the seat and perked up a bit. _Chocolate…_

Feeling stares on me, I looked up. Severus, Lucius and Regulus were all giving me strange looks. I fidgeted. "…what?"

"You lied," Lucius began blankly.

"And you did a _good job,_" Regulus put in.

"You lied to a _teacher,_" Severus mentioned.

There was a silence.

Regulus burst out laughing.

I glowered at him as he said in a singsong voice, "My sister's a con artist! My sister's a con artist!"

He's got no idea.

* * *

"Ivy, love," Lucius managed to get out as I dumped another box into his arms. "Do you –_ really _– need all these Sugar Quills?"

"Uh huh," I replied around the one I had in my mouth.

His eyes narrowed. "No you don't."

"Uh _huh_." I gave him the last box before taking out a healthy amount of galleons and giving them to Mr. Honeyduke. He chuckled and waved me off before helping out another of the many customers at his counter.

"By this rate you won't have any teeth," Lucius snapped.

"Thank you for that advice," I replied blandly. "I'll treasure it always."

He glared at me. "Narcissa-,"

"Agreed that I could rent you out for an hour or so until you'd carried those to Three Broomsticks, as you've done for me every other time for the past five years."

"Just use a _levitation spell_-,"

"But that would be breaking tradition," I sniffed. He rolled his eyes briefly.

"Fine, but-," he paused suddenly and glanced down at his arm. I knew what that meant. He looked back up at me with a large grin. "Got to go, sorry."

And he Apparated on the spot, leaving my boxes of Sugar Quills to drop onto the floor. I stared at them in horror.

IT CAN'T BE…!

* * *

"Don't act like the world's ending."

"These boxes were in _mint _condition," I brushed an invisible speck of dust from the poor Sugar Quill boxes. They were bent and beaten looking…no longer pristine…no longer…_whole…_

Severus was not sympathetic. "You eat enough of those things as it is."

Must he judge me in my time of need?

I just remembered, I have to give Reggie his order of Bott's Every Flavoured Beans. It's in there somewhere with my Sugar Quills, I think…

I could sense Severus' exasperation as I went fishing through the candy boxes. "Where's Reggie?" I asked him absently whilst setting two packs of jellybeans on the table and closing up my box again.

"He said he was going to the Shrieking Shack." Seeing me make a face, his eyes narrowed. "It's not haunted."

"How would you know?"

"_It's not haunted._"

Bah. I'll believe it if he lays down some proof. "What's the shrieking from, then?" I wanted to know, biting off the chunk of the feather part of my quill. His expression soured.

"Teenagers."

"From Hogwarts?" I took the last drink of my Butterbeer before standing up. He stood with me. "But no student could get into the shrieking shack…they'd have to sneak all the way out to Hogsmeade-,"

I stopped abruptly when my eyes turned to the door. Regulus was standing in it, looking ruffled and pale, but worst of all, shaken. Abandoning my candy, I walked over to him quickly. He grabbed my arm wordlessly and pulled me out the door as Severus followed next to us.

"What's wrong?" I asked worriedly.

Reggie stopped behind the Three Broomsticks. "There was a raid at the Malfoy Mansion," he stated, looking between Severus and myself. "We think it may have been Aurors."

"What about the Malfoys?" Severus asked quickly.

I knew then from Regulus' pale face what the answer was. Only one thought came to mind.

I grasped Regulus' elbow worriedly and asked him the question I was afraid to have answered.

"Where's Lucius?"

* * *

The Malfoy Mansion had always been spotlessly clean every time I'd ever stepped foot inside. Seeing it with books and debris scattered across the floor, pictures knocked uneven and shattered, priceless antiques all over the place set a sick feeling in my stomach. I could tell it affected Severus as well, as he stood next to me. My family was distantly related to the Malfoys, and in turn they were close to the Snapes. As I moved slowly through the grand foyer, where many times I'd seen it full of ballroom dancers waltzing to beautiful music during the Christmas season, foreboding washed over me.

Severus and Regulus moved down to the living room, where the bodies were and a number of older Death Eaters had gathered. Regulus had told us that he suspected the Aurors came unexpectedly. Mrs. Malfoy hadn't had refused them entry. Mr. Malfoy joined her at the door to argue the case, but when the Aurors pointed their wands at them Mr. Malfoy had gotten angry and a duel had ensued.

It had ended in the living room. Mrs. Malfoy had most likely been killed in the crossfire.

The more I thought about it, the more worried I became.

"Lucius?" I called, moving through the large doors. It knocked into something on the other side. There stood a House Elf, quivering and cowering. I think his name is Dobby.

"Where's Lucius?" I asked him.

"M-Master Malfoy w-went upstairs, Miss," he replied, wringing his hands together and looking terribly fearful of me. I didn't have the time to console him, I was too worried about Lucius. Immediately I moved up the grand staircase, looking up anxiously.

"Lucius?" I called again. My voice echoed off the walls. I got upstairs and looked firstly in his room.

He was sitting on the floor in front of his bed and leaning against it. I couldn't properly see his expression from here, but he was very still.

"Lucius," I began again, softer. He didn't move. Slowly, I walked into the room and sat down next to him.

He looked serious. His gray eyes were set on a point in space I couldn't see. His long, platinum blonde hair, always kept well groomed, seemed to lack its regular lustre. He looked much, much older as he sat there. I felt nervous being near him.

"Have you seen them?" he asked blandly after a moment.

Slowly, I shook my head. Lucius blinked slowly, once.

"They have the strangest expressions frozen on their faces." His eyes slid down to the wand he was fingering. "Surprised…fearful...I've never seen more than a sneer on either of them."

I wasn't sure I should talk. Maybe he wanted to just talk to himself for a time.

"Self-righteous git got what was coming to him," Lucius' voice went hard suddenly. He flung the wand across the room angrily. I had the feeling it was Mr. Malfoy's. Lucius' eyes narrowed. "But of course he had to drag Mum with him. Old wanker could never let her go anywhere on her own, do anything for her bloody self-,"

It was here his voice began to crack. I touched his shoulder.

"Narcissa's coming," I reassured him gently.

Very suddenly he turned on me and snapped the back of his hand across my face.

"I'm no child," he snapped. "I don't need all of you _checking _on me and _comforting _me – I am a grown man, and Master of this house now!" He stood angrily. "I'm glad they're gone! Shut up! _I'm happy they snuffed it!_"

"Lucius, calm down," I whispered.

"I WILL NOT BE CALM! I WON'T LISTEN TO YOU! YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME! YOU WON'T MANILPULATE ME!"

"Lucius," another voice breathed. I turned to see Narcissa's tall, beautiful form sweeping into the doorway. Quietly I got up as she walked in with only eyes for the distraught Malfoy. As she approached him, I exited the room and gently shut the door behind me.

I understood. Lucius was upset. I understood.

I walked back down the stairs. Rosier was standing there halfway in his Death Eater cloak, looking at me from beneath his black hood. I felt a cold chill run up my spine as I passed him, but continued on my way. Severus found me in the foyer. He was as unreadable as always.

"We need to make plans for the funeral," he said.

I felt my stomach drop.

* * *

There were many, many families standing as one before the fresh graves of the Malfoys. All of them were pureblood. All of them were refined and silent. But none of them were as refined as Lucius, who stood in front of the graves, staring down his nose at the caskets in a cold, lifeless manner. The angles of his pale face were sharp and tight, his long, usually free-flowing white hair now tied away in a low ponytail. Narcissa stood behind him in black, just as quiet.

In the end, it was Mum who took the task of the funeral in her hands. She said children like myself and Severus shouldn't plan a funeral. I agreed with her, but most likely for different reasons.

Another wave of sadness washed over me. Regulus stood on one side of me, silently, and Father stood on the other side, just as silent. They looked a lot alike, I thought to myself, except my father was so tall, his hair smoothed down and his handsome face so pale he could have been Mr. Malfoy's brother. Mother was standing next to him.

For some reason, I suddenly felt myself missing Sirius. All the people around me were cold, were silent…were mourning to themselves over the loss of the proud Malfoys. My whole family was standing here together, but he wasn't included, and it was starting to bother me.

I didn't want to be here.

I wanted to go home.

…I wanted Sirius.

The service ended. People let their roses and lilies and carnations and whatever other sort of flowers drop gently onto the graves. I sighed and folded my arms around myself closely, listening to all the people speaking with Lucius, grieving for him, and the cold answers with which he replied.

Lucius had never been _cold _before. At least, not as long as I've known him. His voice had never been that bland and uninterested. He looked emotionless.

I could see Severus standing with his mother and little sister a ways off with that usual, unresponsive scowl in place. Regulus was blank next to me.

All I was surrounded by was fake apathy and closed expressions. There was no love, here. There was no sympathy. There were only thoughts of revenge and revolt disguised by the web of words all my relatives had created. Christmas Parties would continue next week, as usual, I would be back home, staying at other people's houses, as usual, and Lucius' pain would only fade into the background until he reappeared of his own accord and will.

No one would ask his presence. Purebloods don't _ask _for anything, you see. And adults, adults are more concerned about the deceased, and what must be done to the Aurors in turn.

I sighed beneath my breath, feeling tired. Regulus and I had to give our sympathies to Lucius and then be on our way. It was Father who nodded to Regulus a minute later to indicate it was our turn to speak with Lucius. Regulus started walking with one finger caught in my sleeve so I followed by his side. I think he knew I didn't want to be here. But no one would really _want _to be at a funeral, would they?

We'd been close to the front of the crowd, so it wasn't too difficult to get to Lucius and Narcissa. Standing in front of the two was strange. Narcissa was a Slytherin, and so naturally she was cruel and not really the sweetest person, but you could get a good conversation out of her now and then. But today she looked much like Lucius; blank, cold. Lucius looked at both myself and Regulus blandly, silently. I felt like he wasn't really looking at us at all.

I felt like giving him a hug. It just seemed like the best thing to do when something like this happened. I'm not much of a touchy feely person, I get jumpy when people sit too close, but I always wanted to make the people I cared about feel better when they were hurting.

But we're aristocrats of the Wizarding World. There are rival families watching, not to mention my own parents. And so I just stood there, watching Lucius stare right through us without any emotion on his usually smirking face.

"The Aurors that did this," I realized Regulus was saying. "They won't get away. We'll make sure of it, mate."

Lucius kept staring at him blankly for a moment before he nodded once, still in the same neutral manner. "Your sentiments are appreciated, Regulus."

In one ear and out the other. We all knew it. Still, Regulus nodded his head before kissing Narcissa's hand and moving away.

I sighed softly. "Will you be coming back to school?" I asked after a moment.

His gray eyes were still. "Why wouldn't I?" he replied neutrally.

Oh, Lucius. Please turn back to normal. "I'm very sorry," I told him truthfully. "And I hope you get some rest."

He remained unmoved. "Your sentiments are appreciated, Ivarius."

It's been a long time since he's used my full name. It made me feel even more melancholy. I bowed to him, as was custom, before Narcissa and I bowed to each other. Finally, I turned and walked back over to Mum and Father. Regulus wasn't in sight.

"I assume you've been studying for your OWLs, Ivarius?" Mum asked me in that level voice of hers. She always sounded oh-so-close to yelling, to me. She liked to yell.

"Yes, Mother," I replied politely.

"Good." She turned away, eyes already disregarding me to glance across those gathered here. "Off you go, then. Oh, Angus, there's Bellatrix – come, let's go say hello to her fiancée-,"

I watched the two of them walk away without a goodbye. Regulus was off with his friends, most likely. He didn't stick around much when Mum was present. I watched Mum and Father as they disappeared into the crowd, not really feeling hurt. Father let Mum do all the talking, and Mum only wanted to know that I was working to attain high marks to honour the Black name. There were no hellos or goodbyes, or 'I love you's in our family. Sometimes it's lonely.

I wondered briefly how I was going to get back to Hogwarts. I suppose I need to find Severus…or I could just sit. And wait. Waiting would be fine.

I looked back at the elaborate, black marble statue of a falcon with its wings spread over the graves of the Malfoys. Lucius and Narcissa were standing a ways away, still receiving the sympathy of others. I could hear Lucius' lifeless 'your sentiments are appreciated' repeated over and over again in a monotone.

I felt stifled. This society…it was my society. It was what I'd grown up with, and what I'll grow to be part of. I didn't like being here, with fake people. With liars…

…but…I'm a liar, too.

I want to go home. I want to be in Hogwarts. I want to be standing outside in the snow near the lake, which is never really frozen over but does get very cold. I want to be standing at its edge, watching the giant squid. _I want – _

Abruptly, I found myself nose to nose with Hogwart's gate. I blinked in surprise, looking up at the tall gate, and then down at my own shoes.

Had I just Apparated?

Well, that was stupid. I'd wanted to be near the lake, not outside the bloody –

Oh, that's right. No one can Apparate into or out of Hogwarts. I suppose this is the closest I'll get by Apparating.

Oh dear. How do I get in? And what'll Regulus do to me when he finds out I disappeared from the funeral?

I groaned and rubbed my forehead in annoyance. I don't want to be stuck outside forever. But I don't want to try Apparating back to the funeral, because I _don't _want to be spliced.

Thinking of that, I stopped and quickly wiggled all of my fingers and toes. I made sure my nose was still attached. Right. I'm in one piece.

I sat down in the snow. This was not turning out to be a good day, and it was only about three in the afternoon. On whim, I tried to pull open the big gate.

Nothing. If only it was that easy.

Pulling out my wand to melt away some of the snow, I figured it was going to be a long night.

* * *

I'm in so much trouble.

I put a Warming Charm on myself and _fell asleep. _It must be at least five o'clock.

"IVARIUS LOUSIE BLACK! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

I cringed. "C-coming," I mumbled, sure Regulus wouldn't hear me. He was fuming, I could tell from his voice. I got up.

"**IVARIUS BLACK!**"

I jumped and without another thought grabbed the wall to climb. I'm not much of a climber, so you can tell how that worked out.

"**YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE _RIGHT NOW _OR SO HELP ME I WILL BLAST THIS WHOLE PLACE TO PIECES!**"

Oh Merlin, he sounds like he'll murder me. Timidly, I moved in front of the gates again.

"R-Regulus…" I began meekly. I knew he wouldn't be able to hear me, he was over by the Whomping Willow. I tried to speak louder. "Regulus…"

He still didn't hear me. No one else was around. I was scared to let him know where I was. He didn't look happy at all. Finally, I gathered the will to take a deep breath.

"I'm here," I called.

Regulus stopped. He turned with a glare that could've wilted flowers and stormed over to the gate. Before I knew it Reggie had reached through, grabbed the collar of my shirt and yanked me straight into the bars. Needless to say it hurt me a lot.

"_What – the – fuck – have – you – been – doing?_" he spat out every word with fury.

"I-I-I A-Apparated…by…by accident," I got out meekly.

"THAT'S YOUR BLOODY EXCUSE?" he bellowed, pushing me back from the bars before yanking me forward to slam into them again. The rod iron jarred my chin and shoulder painfully.

"I have been looking for you for two damned hours! _Merlin, _Ivy, don't you have any sense at all in that stupid head of yours?"

I felt tears prick my eyes. I don't enjoy being yelled at. I don't think anyone does. I dropped my head slightly and stared at my feet. The shaking paused.

"You'd better not be crying," Regulus stated.

I shook my head.

"Do _not _tell me you're crying."

I shook my head again. It was getting cold, now that my charm had worn off.

"Shit, woman, I had to come _all the way _out here to find you because stupid Severus said you were gone when I thought _he _was the one you came home with and Merlin I was _this damn close _to getting Lola Chase in a broom closet – _you can not worm your way out of this by crying!"_

…I'm not crying…

"Until you stop it I'm _not _opening this gate."

I bit my lip. I did sort of really want to cry, but that would make things even worse, and so I sat down on the snow with my back to Regulus and pulled my fur-lined cloak tight to me body.

"I don't want to go inside," I mumbled, feeling a bit childish. I shivered. "I'm sorry, Regulus. It's my fault."

And before Regulus could reply, there was a new, more scandalized voice on the scene.

"What on _earth _is going on out here? Miss Black! _How _did you get on the other side of the gate?"

Professor McGonagall…

"I'm sorry," I mumbled again. I was giving everyone trouble today. I listened to the gate swing open with a creak and was pulled up by the Gryffindor Head of House before she began walking briskly back towards Hogwarts with me in her grasp and Regulus trailing behind. She marched me straight through the nice, warm corridors and into her office with a number of students either giving us strange looks, giving us sympathetic looks, or smirking at us.

McGonagall plopped me down on the nice leather seat across from her desk before staring down her nose at me. It was a very good intimidation tactic, and I decided that Rosier must've learned all he knew from her.

"Now." Her lips thinned into a fine line. "Explain why you were outside the gates."

"…I was at a funeral…" I replied hollowly. "I Apparated by accident…and got stuck outside the gates…"

"I was looking for her." Regulus put in, quick to clear his name. McGonagall looked between us with hawk-like eyes.

"I see," she quipped in a crisp voice. "Mr Black, you will leave the room for the time being."

"But-,"

"Five points from Slytherin. _Get going, _Mr Black."

I heard a brief huff before McGonagall's door opened and closed. Alone, I looked timidly up at McGonagall, who continued to peer down sternly.

"Have you been crying, Miss Black?"

Not really. Did she want me to? I shook my head again, slower this time. McGonagall leant back from where she'd unconsciously been leaning over me and tapped her desk. A large silver mug appeared there, steaming. She handed it to me before opening a tin on her desk.

"Have a gingersnap, Miss Black."

I think I will. I reached out for one, huddled in my little chair with my second cup of hot chocolate this week, feeling its warmth bleed into my fingers. The cookie tasted very nice, never mind that I would have believed Professor McGonagall to be the last teacher in the school with a tin of cookies. This was all very kind of her, in reality.

It's very nice of her to comfort a Death Eater.

All those terrible thoughts I didn't like thinking rose to the surface. She was feeding a murderer, didn't she know that? What if someone ordered me to kill _her_? What would I do? What was she thinking, doting on the likes of me?

I stood up suddenly, anxiety flooding up my chest. I quickly set the mug and cookie down before nodding my head shortly to Professor McGonagall.

"Thank you very much," I began quickly. "I'm sorry, but I have to go."

And I nearly fled the room. Luckily for me, Regulus wasn't waiting outside. Instead I walked as briskly and as calmly as I could, which wasn't at all calm. Finally, I reached the library I needed to find something to do with myself. There must be some piece of homework I haven't done. An essay, a project, a diagram, research, _anything…_

I was panicking, I knew I was, as I rushed through the big bookshelves until I was as far away from the curious students as I could be. My eyes scanned the books I stood before quickly, looking for something thick, something I could read, something I could do –

"Ivy?"

I winced and reached out quickly for a book. "I'm sorry, I'm very busy," I said quickly, softly, pulling another random book from a shelf high above my head, hoping that I looked on-task. The voice stayed, however. Remus still stood next to me.

"You look sick," he said.

"I'm fine, thank you," my mind was buzzing. I couldn't even think about what upset me now, I was so panicked and worried and piling my arms with dozens of heavy books. I pretended to glance at one hurriedly and put it back, bending my head slightly.

He spoke again, sounding worried. "Are you-,"

"I'm not crying," I tried to snap. It came out in a loud whisper. I wanted him gone. I wanted to be alone. I wanted them to let me cry so I could go back to feeling alright about myself so why wouldn't he just _leave? _

"Okay," he agreed, and picked up the heavy pile of books from my hands. He turned to the bookcase and carefully began putting them away. "Then you're not crying."

I watched him blankly, helplessly, as he slowly looked at the cover of each book before studying the shelf and deciding where they should go.

He continued on with this as my knees finally buckled beneath me, and I slid to the ground.

I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in them, embarrassed, disgusted. I _was _crying. But he didn't say a word about it, and kept putting the books away. The longer it went on the harder my crying got. I knew I should stop but I loathed the thought of it; I knew there might be people who could hear me in the library, but I didn't want to stop. It felt so good to just sit there and sob to myself without anyone trying to assault me with words, without anyone calling my name and without anyone expecting things of me that I was sure I couldn't do. When Remus was finished sorting the books into their proper places, he sat down a little ways away from me and remained silent throughout my wailing.

Finally it subsided. I've never cried like that before. I looked over at Remus to find him staring in a fatigued manner at the wall across from him. My grip tightened on my legs.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice muffled by my own arms.

He continued looking at the wall. "Do you think you need to apologize?" he asked.

Remus had to have been the oddest person I'd ever met.

"I…" I tugged my legs closer, feeling a little better. "I suppose…not…"

* * *

Lucius was sitting in my seat the next day.

He usually sat across from myself and Severus, but now he was seated beside Severus, and Narcissa was sitting across from them. There was no room for me.

I sat further down, next to a very tall young girl I'd never seen before, and observed my goblet as it filled with Pumpkin Juice. I was alright with sitting farther down. It wasn't much of a deal.

I wasn't very hungry, though.

I frowned at my plate. I didn't want to look at it, really. With a heavy sigh, I pulled my Transfiguration book out of my bag and flipped it open so I could set it on my plate and hide its porcelain emptiness.

Blandly, I found my place in chapter 10 and continued reading.

Abruptly my book burst into cinders.

My jaw dropped.

EH! What the –

An abrupt, burning sensation shot up my arm. I dropped my goblet.

"Are you too good for us, Black…?"

I jumped and stood, dripping in Pumpkin Juice, before turning to look up at Lucius.

"Ah," I got out intelligently. What did he want? Why was he over here? Oh – Merlin, _my arm…_I tried to move past him, worried. I had to reach headquarters or the burning would get worse and worse…

"I asked you a question." I found a wand blocking my path. "_Black._"

"L-Lucius, I-,"

"Don't stutter." The point of his wand touched me and a white hot burning shot through my heart. I made a strange noise and leant into the wand, feeling my legs weaken. Lucius' voice was still cold. None of the teachers would have been able to see what he was doing, since he was so close to me and the wand was hidden from their perspective by our black cloaks. I looked up at him incredulously only to meet cold eyes. "It's weak."

It was getting harder to breathe. "Stop it," I hissed, trying to grab his wand hand. "I – the Dark Lord is calling-,"

"Is he?" Lucius was blank. The burning increased. _What was his problem? _"Maybe he's going to call you in and have one of the Death Eaters kindly inform you that _your _family has been killed…your mother and father, your brother-,"

I wasn't used to people bearing down upon me in such a way. I'd never had to try and think of a strategy to defend myself with in front of an enemy, because in all truth I just fade in the background. And so without thinking, my hand reached up, wound itself in Lucius' hair, and yanked. _Hard. _

Lucius' wand dropped with a clatter as a small grunt came out of him. His head was bent down to my level and finally I was able to leant backwards against the table. But I was upset. I was disappointed in him.

"You," I groaned, the Dark Mark burning enough to cause my eyes to tear. "Are _not _Lucius Malfoy. Not anymore."

And even as Professor McGonagall swooped down on us, her words going in one ear and out the other, I couldn't find the will to regret my words.

Not when Lucius' dead eyes stared at me with a plead for help reflecting in them.

* * *

okay, so yeah, Lucius doesn't seem like the type, I _know..._bear with me. Everyone's evil for a reason, ne?


	9. When Trusting Marauders

**Oh, look, another long one. (faints)**

**Don't own Harry Potter.**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**When Trusting Marauders**

I had not been able to leave Hogwarts and go to the Dark Lord's hideout. McGonagall had been watching me like a hawk ever since the incident. And now I found myself sitting in an empty classroom, waiting impatiently for detention to start.

The Dark Mark was hurting _so much. _My fingers kept twisting my wand where it sat in my pocket, over and over, fast and faster. I shut my eyes and bent down low in my desk.

_Don't hex her, _I begged myself. It was maddening. I wanted it to stop. I needed to get out of here, I needed to go _see _him –

_Don't hex her. Don't hex her. Don'thexherdon'thexherdon't – _

"Miss Black, what are you doing?"

I shuddered. My fingernails scraped down the wood of my wand. "Nothing," I said between clenched teeth. It sounded like a squeak.

If I had been paying any attention to McGonagall, I'm sure she would have been staring down her nose at me.

"I can see that," she answered, voice dry and humourless. "Miss Black, please proceed to write lines, just as everyone else is doing."

So maybe there _were _people in the classroom. Not my problem.

"…yes, Professor," I managed to get out, pulling a quill from my pocket. There was already parchment on the desk. I reached out and set my quill over the parchment.

It shook.

I dropped it, feeling disoriented. "Professor," I ground out. "I…I don't feel well."

That was the worst excuse in the history of worst excu –

"Very well, Black. You're excused."

…pardon?

I decided to leave before she changed her mind or Merlin forbid grinned and said 'Just Kidding!', because I don't think I would've been able to handle a 'just kidding' taunt at this time. I high-tailed it out of there, down the stairs, through two dim corridors, through the torrents of fireworks the Marauders had set off in near the Charms classroom, down _another _flight of stairs, through the foyer and out the front door.

It was a frantic, pain-driven walk to the Forbidden Forest. I didn't want to draw attention outside by running. Even after a month of voluntarily meandering into the Forbidden Forest, there was always a voice at the back of my head that logically noted that I was most obviously _insane _for _voluntarily _going anywhere near the tall, ominous trees and eerily silent atmosphere of this place.

But that little voice was simply pointing out the obvious, and so I could live with it.

Five steps into the forest, my walk got faster. Somewhere around here would be the giant rock that had an uncanny resemblance to a big nose, and from there I –

A hand grabbed my shoulder. Me, being the jumpy wreck that I was and already tightly clenching my wand, whipped around and _almost _cast a stun spell on Severus. He beat me to the punch of course, and I was stuck watching my wand fly into a heap of leaves.

Arm. _Hurts. _"Severus!"

He looked beyond bored. "_Accio wand._" I watched my wand fly into his free hand. "You look terrible."

What a nice boy. "Wand," I demanded, holding out a hand. Instead of giving me my wand back, he grabbed my wrist and pushed my sleeve up.

The Dark Mark was so vivid it was ugly to look at. The ink always got bolder when it was burning, like an infected wound. Severus glanced at it without much thought before he brushed past me. Still holding my wand.

"_Severus,_" I moaned, trying to follow him. My head throbbed.

"Hurry up," he barked. There are a few choice names I'd like to call him right now…

"But-,"

He reached back, caught my scarf, and started pulling me.

"I wonder about the state of your intelligence sometimes, Ivarius," he spat at me as we reached the nose-shaped rock. "Your idiocy _astounds _me. Don't you know there are several different places _within _the castle that lead into Hogsmeade?"

No, I didn't! Git should let go of me! "Sev-,"

"I hope you realize what's going to happen now," he hissed. "The Dark Lord isn't forgiving about tardiness."

I went silent. Not that I had expected the Dark Lord to actually _be _forgiving about tardiness. Severus tapped the rock with his own wand and muttered '_massimorum'. _The rock vanished to reveal a shabby case of stairs leading downwards, underground. Still holding my scarf and making breathing a rather painful venture – which I thought was cruel in itself because I thought I was going to _collapse _from the pressure of the pain of the Dark Mark against me. We walked and walked and _walked _before he lead me through a separate dirty, musty path to the left of the straight path, which is the one I always take. It lead up to Hog's Head, a dodgy old bar in Hogmeade. Without waiting for me to gather breath Severus went right up the steps to the guest rooms – if you could call them that – and dragged me into one of the rooms.

Rosier.

I shrunk away from the older Death Eater's empty stare. Severus pushed me forward into the middle of the room, between the both of them. Rosier was sitting on the edge of the moldy, smelly old bed. Relief flooded through me as the burning of the Mark subsided.

"You're late."

I knew that.

Rosier didn't move from his perch on the bed. It was strange how still he was. "The Dark Lord doesn't approve."

Is he reprimanding me? I looked at him, confused. Was it that big an issue? My eyes widened as he raised his wand. "_Silencio._"

People have a thing for casting that spell on me. As I was pondering this, Rosier kept his sword aloft and looked as though I was forcing him to do a chore not worth his time.

"_Crucio._"

If you've never been under the Cruciatus Curse, there is no real way that I can convey to you the experience in a legitimate manner. Imagine being in too much pain to think; trying to hear your own thoughts but overwhelmed instead by the burning, numbing, mind-warping excruciation that forces itself on you from the tiny point of someone else's wand. Your heart starts going a hundred beats faster, your back bends and your forehead hits the ground in the instinctive fetal position, hands up on your head because the pain is coming from everywhere at once and its useless to thrash away from it –

And then it stops. And you stop. There's wasn't an after-affect. You feel perfectly fine. This may be the worst part, in my opinion, because you can't gather the wits to cry, and you can't gather the strength to get up. Even though you're fine. You feel hollow. You feel as though your soul is gone, and all that's left is your healthy shell.

For a full minute, I felt like my will had died.

Something tugged around my neck and I was pulled to a standing position. "You're lucky." Rosier. "I usually make it last more than ten seconds."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We had to burn down the Wizarding Library, located in Diagon Alley. That was after we found the books the Dark Lord wanted. I assumed the only reason we were burning it down was to cause panic, as Death Eaters tend to do. Or maybe the Dark Lord wants to insure no one knows which books he removes.

Getting in was simple enough. It was getting late, there were few people around. The people that _were _around, died. Severus killed two wizards reading in the front foyer of the library before we proceeded to the main floor of the library. Rosier killed the few librarians walking around. I was sent to find the first of the books.

All the books titled were in Latin, so I had no idea what they meant. As I stood in front of the bookshelf, looking for the title I had memorized from the list Rosier had incinerated, Severus brushed past me. I watched him disappear down a darker-looking aisle. This was the first time Severus and I had ever been on the same mission. He probably wasn't happy about it.

After locating the book, I pulled it out. At that same moment a red and hot swept right past the back of my neck and I jumped around.

"_Petrificus totalus!_"

A lady librarian went stock-still. I kept my wand raised, hefting the book under my arm. She looked scared as I walked closer and I wondered why for a minute before I remembered the Death Eater mask was shielding my identity.

I wondered briefly what I should do with her now.

"No," Rosier chastised as he Apparated next to me. I started and took a step back. "Kill first. Don't wait to see who it is."

Oh yes. Avada kedarva. I raised my wand haphazardly. "_Avada kedarva."_

Nothing happened. The woman looked petrified. Rosier spoke. "Haven't got the hang of it yet. Do it again."

I swallowed and conentrated._"Avada kedarva!_"

The flash of green shot through the dark library. I felt drained, watching her body drop. Rosier wasted no more time on the subject and turned to move towards the door.

"Let's go."

What if she'd had children? What if she was a single mother? Where were her children going to go? Who was going to take care of them? What if it was her birthday? Or her anniversary? Or –

I was shoved forwards from behind. Again, Severus grabbed my scarf and forced me out the door. _"Incendio maximo!_"

The library burst into flames. Rosier cackled as screams could be heard down the street. "_Morsmordre!_"

The Dark Mark shot into the sky. More screams occurred. Severus grabbed my arm and we Apparated out of the vicinity.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't like eggs.

I stared down at the plate in front of me, _graciously _provided by the curly-haired girl.

"My boyfriend's sister's best friend's cousin told me you were sick today," she chirped. "So I thought I'd sneak you some food from the kitchen!"

I considered telling her I didn't like eggs, but decided not to. She smiled as I picked up the fork.

Here I had been, sitting against the wall deep in the dungeons with the hope of escaping a certain Gryffindor's wise library pep talks for the time being. Not that I wasn't thankful or that it wasn't a…alright, an _enjoyable _venture, but I just didn't feel like having company.

My hopes of independence are now dashed, of course. Surprise surprise.

Eating sounded nice…just not eggs. I have a rather bad history with eggs that involves Sirius, Regulus, myself, and a rather messy attempt at Quidditch.

I hate Quidditch too. Merlin.

"You haven't been around lately," the curly-haired girl said, fingering one of her ringlets. "How's your brother doing?"

Was she _still _after him?

"…fine." To be honest I hadn't spoken to Regulus since he'd left McGonagall's Office yesterday. Why is it I was born into a family of hotheads? My father and I are the only quiet ones.

Now that I think of it, I hadn't even seen Regulus lately. Or Lucius…at least, not today. I wonder if he's alright. I'm sure Narcissa's been looking after him.

"And what about you? I heard you had a Secret Admirer!"

I stared at her. "A what…?"

"Secret _Admirer,_" she tossed her hair over her shoulder and huffed. "Y'know, a guy who likes you and leaves you notes and everything?"

"I don't have any notes."

"Well, what about chocolates or roses?"

I didn't like roses, either. "No."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, apparently there's been chocolates on the desk of every seat you usually sit in today. Of course, you weren't there…"

I wasn't in the mood for any chocolate. Unless it was a froggie. I could name it, then.

The curly-haired girl looked a bit crestfallen. "Aren't you excited?"

"I'm not allowed boyfriends." I forked a bit of the egg towards my mouth, wondering if I should be polite and eat some of it. She stared at me in shock.

"What in the blazes to do you mean you're not _allowed _boyfriends?"

"I suppose I could have one," I mentioned, trying to gather the will to stuff some egg in my mouth. "If I wanted Regulus to kill him."

Power complex issue again, you see.

"Wow," her mouth was open. "S-so…you've never…you know…"

Know what…? I watched her confusedly. She blushed. "_Kissed _anyone," she whispered in a manner of conspiracy.

I gave her a strange look. "No."

Ravenclaws.

The plate abruptly disappeared from my hands. "No eating in the halls, Black," a stiff voice told me. I glanced at the Slytherin Prefect. I hadn't been _eating, _I'd been studying the horror that is an egg.

I got up, feeling my sore legs and stomach oppose me. I sighed and felt like going back to sleep. The girl grabbed my hand instead.

"Let's go upstairs," she prompted, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

Goody. More opportunities to be caught socializing with a Ravenclaw. Not as bad as a Gryffindor, of course. Catch my hint.

Up we went. Stairs are my greatest enemy lately, even though without them I probably wouldn't get much exercise.

"I'm tired," I said halfway up without thinking.

She giggled. "Oh, a walk'll do you good. Really. You've been sleeping all day, haven't you?"

Not really. Reading, making notes, finishing up the fifteen-page report I made for no apparent reason on my latest subject – the Acromantula. I like writing detailed summaries about various magical objects and creatures. It helps me absorb the knowledge more.

I hadn't been able to sleep last night, and had spent most of the night thinking about sneaking into the library again. Or sneaking into the kitchen. Not that I thought Remus would be in the library, because I'm in no way _looking _for his attention, but because it was…maybe…a bit of a thrill to be in the library after dark when no one else was around.

The curly-haired girl, whom I had decided I might have to learn the name of if she kept dragging me around all the time, led me through the main floor and to a classroom that was usually empty. It was currently filled with a number of other girls; some from Hufflepuff, and number from Ravenclaw, a few from Gryffindor, and even one or two first-years from Slytherin.

The second I entered I knew I was in trouble.

The curly-haired woman – _now known as _Traitor – giggled. "Look who I found!"

_Found? _What does she mean, _found?_ And what are they all gathered here for?

I glanced behind me as the door closed. Maybe I could make a dash for it.

"It's Ivy, isn't it?" a third-year Hufflepuff asked me.

I stared at her, still half-shocked I'd been tricked by the curly-haired girl into coming here. "Uh huh," I answered unintelligently.

"Huh," someone else began. "Gee, how long's your hair, there? We were just talking about the different cuts these days-,"

Someone pointed their wand at my hair tie and it must've disappeared because I felt all my hair fall down. Me, still standing shocked.

"Uh," I began again as they started chatting. '_Is your hair natural?' 'Do you use Springot's Anti-Frizz Potion?' 'How is your hair for split ends?' _"I just remembered I have a report due tomorrow, sorry," and I jumped out the door.

I took a moment to release a large sigh of relief. Women.

I rummaged through my pockets for my wand. A voice spoke up near me.

"_Black?_"

I glanced up, still fishing through all my Sugar Quills for the wood of my wand. James Potter looked as though I'd grown another head.

I had to remind myself I wasn't talking to their lot. "Nn." I grunted. A grunt is good. It's…_grunty._

He cocked his head and squinted at me as if I was some sort of ink blob he was tying to see a picture in. "You look…" he seemed utterly perplexed. "_Feminine._"

"The same goes to you," I found my wand and re-twisted my hair before sticking my wand through it to hold it in place. That would have to hold till I got back to the dorm.

"That wasn't nice," he mock-pouted.

"I'm not very nice in general," I frowned before turning to wander up a staircase. Maybe someone was around I could talk to…but who? Regulus was at odds with me, Lucius was at odds with me, and Severus most likely didn't want to talk to me after our last mission. Which made headlines in the Daily Prophet, I should mention.

"Why don't you wear your hair down more often?"

I jumped. I hadn't realized James was following me. "I'm not comfortable with it down," I said almost automatically. May I also mention that it looks ridiculous. "What are you doing?"

"What do you mean what am I doing?" he frowned. "Are you too high and mighty to walk with a Gryffindor? Eh?"

Irritating little…boy…

A girl walked up next to James, with long, thick red hair and big emerald eyes. Her books were held neatly in the crook of her arm.

"Lily!" James exclaimed gleefully. "Why if it isn't my most beautiful, charming young wife-to-be!"

She responded with a frigid glare. "What are you on about?" she snapped.

James grinned at me. "She's my wife," he told me. "She just doesn't know it yet."

A whap to the head. "Stop talking about me like that, Potter!"

"One day! One day you'll finally succumb to my charm and-,"

"I'm Lily," Lily reached across the Marauder, completely ignoring him, and held out a hand. "Lily Evans. You're Ivy, aren't you?"

Surprised at her courteousness compared to the brash way she dealt with James, I took her hand blankly. "Yes," I answered.

James' grin widened. He nudged Lily as we paused in the hall. "Check this out," he said before reached out and yanking the wand out of my hair.

…

"Give me my wand," I said indignantly, holding out an expectant hand. People suddenly have a need to deprive me of my wand all the time.

"It really makes a difference," Lily surmised, tapping her chin. "But it's a rather unorthodox sort of-,"

James took off after I'd tried to snatch my wand back, cackling. I stared after him in shock. Lily rolled her eyes.

"My wand…"

The redhead smiled. "Come on, we'll catch him," she said. She started running after him. I followed. Up another staircase, past the stature of Helga the Humourous, through the hallway until James finally ran out of breath and leant against a statue, still grinning. Lily stood in front of me a ways away, eyeing him like someone would a bug. Just as she opened her mouth to speak, voices drifted to us from farther up the hall.

"-feel guilty, Moony," came Sirius' voice. I squeaked and automatically hid behind a suit of armor. Lily blinked at me but came over, as well, and I pulled her behind it with me so that they wouldn't see her looking at me. James grinned at us, running a hand through his hair, as the two other Marauders rounded the corner. "We're doing something good. Hasn't she been better off lately?"

"If we're doing this for her benefit," came Remus' less-than-happy tone, "Why can't we tell her about it?"

I noticed James' expression had dropped. He looked glued to the spot in surprise. I heard Sirius sigh.

"Listen. I know my sister, okay? She wouldn't like it, and I get that because Snivellus and Regulus are always on her case. That doesn't mean that I'm ever, _ever _going to feel guilty about this."

I stiffened. What were they talking about that included me? Lily glanced at me, just as in the dark.

"She thinks I'm talking to her because I care," Remus mentioned quietly. "She thinks I'm doing it of my own accord…I even told her that. She hasn't even suspected since then that I was lying, or that we've been checking in on her through classes and freetime-,"

"Ivy's gullible," Sirius replied. "She always has been. It's a miracle that she wasn't dazzled by dear old Mum's muggle-hating style."

"You're really not going to lose any sleep over this," Remus murmured.

"We're doing her good."

"We're lying to her. _I'm _lying to her. We're betraying her trust, and if she finds out you did all this – Prongs," I distantly heard their voices change.

"What are you doing out here, mate?" Sirius asked.

"I…"

I held my breath for a second let I go, and count to five. Lily was looking at me worriedly. She grasped my hand. I glanced at her, silently thanked her, and folded my arms around myself carefully.

Quite the idiot, aren't I?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't have my wand anymore. I wasn't about to go get it.

I took off my cloak, folded my arms, leant against the table and stared into the fire.

I'd talked to Remus that night in the library for hours. It's the longest I can remember ever speaking with someone. Idiot that I was, I believed him when he said that Sirius hadn't sent him to talk to me, or keep an eye on me. Whichever.

And I'd _cried _in front of him. I'd sobbed my heart out in front of someone who…who was only doing what – what _Sirius _told him to do – he didn't care about _me, _he probably thought I was the most pathetic creature on earth.

Stupid. I was stupid. And Sirius was right, I _was _gullible.

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

I glanced at the door to our dormitory. I had no idea people could knock. Lucius was the one who stood from his seat on the far side of the common room, walked to the door, and opened it.

"What?" he spat coldly at whoever was outside. After a moment, he slammed the door.

"Who was it?" asked Narcissa.

"Some first year forgot the password."

Amber walked up next to me. "What's raining on your parade?" she asked me. "You've been glaring at the fireplace for half an hour now."

"Nothing."

"By the way, love the hair-down look."

"I don't care."

"Tes_ty,_" Amber put her hands up, frowning. "Anyways, are you coming down for breakfast or what?"

I'd forgotten it was morning. I hadn't gone to sleep. I'd been standing here, brooding to myself all night. My mind was tired but that didn't mean I was going to sleep.

"I'm not hungry."

She knocked her knuckles against my head, hard, and prodded me in irritation. "Do – _not – _make me hunt down Severus."

"And what would Severus care?"

"Oh, he might not care," she threatened. "But he'll tell _Regulus _just for kicks."

Uh oh. I glanced around worriedly; Regulus was nowhere in sight. We still hadn't spoken since…The Thing. And that's just the sort of thing Severus would do, too, just to see me squirm.

I glared at her. _FINE. _

And thus we went down to the Great Hall. I walked through the big open doors grudgingly, not feeling quite in the mood for food, or company. But here I was getting both. _Excellent. _

There was no one sitting in my usual spot, so I sat down and Amber sat where Severus usually sits. I stared down at my plate.

"Well? Eat something," Amber prodded.

I set my chin on my plate instead. Someone could eat my head for all I care. Amber rolled her eyes and forked some bacon onto her plate. The mail came in a few seconds later and something was dropped on my head. I sat up and stared at the little pink scroll now sitting precariously on the edge of my plate.

I looked up. No definite owl.

I looked back down at the scroll. _It was pink._

Not that I have anything against the colour pink, I've just never seen someone use pink parchment before. I didn't even know they _made _pink parchment.

Amber seemed to have come to the same conclusion. She snorted into her pumpkin juice. "Open it," she goaded.

Like hell I was going to open it. It could sit there and rot, just like I am, and be an idiot, just like me. There.

It started steaming.

"Ah! Just like a Howler! Open it, Ivy!"

I picked it up and tossed it down the table. Someone else can open it. I'm going to sit here and continue wallowing in my own self-pity, parchment free.

Amber had other ideas. Merlin. "Oh, Jesse Perswick's picked it up," she mentioned. Lucky me, I get a play-by-play. "Oh, he's unrolling it…okay…now he's laughing. He's laughing hysterically."

She glanced at me, horrified. "I think your dignity just died."

"My what?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As it turns out, that pink parchment was a love letter from somebody. My Secret Worshipper or something. Even after people had started laughing, I hadn't read the thing. It's something trivial compared to murder and betrayal.

The snow was cold. There were only a few days left before Christmas break. I fooled with the fraying edge of my scarf boredly while trying to see any fish in the lake. Or Giant Squid. Or Mermaids. When I didn't see any, I glanced back at my Advanced Transfigurations book and flipped a page boredly. Studying wasn't as fun as it usually was, for some reason.

"Bark!"

I looked up to see the giant dog prancing towards me. He hasn't been around in a while. I thought maybe he'd found himself a nice home somewhere, or had been scared off by the groundskeeper, Hagrid. He stopped next to me, tail wagging.

"You again," I murmured, looking back down at my book. I paused and eyed him. "It wouldn't surprise me if Sirius sent _you, _too."

His tail stopped mid-wag. I sighed and flipped to page fifty-four. "That'd be just my luck."

Though I couldn't see Sirius having the patience to train a dog to come sit with me, bring me a cat, and so on.

I thought about Lucius and wondered if he was alright. Maybe I should go find him later today. It was lunch, and I had managed to skitter my way through two classes without anyone noticing I was wand-less. However, I highly doubted I could get through Charms without _someone _noticing.

It took me a minute to realize the dog was gone. I sighed and finally closed my book, standing and brushing snow from my cloak just as the warning bell rang.

Jogging towards the school, I grudgingly went up two moving staircases – getting my foot stuck once – turned left down a corridor and entered the third door on the left.

I took my seat in Charms and wondered how long it would take to be spotted without a wand.

"Alright, settle down, settle down," Professor Flitwick squeaked. "Today we'll be learning the Joy Charm, a spell that most wizards cast these days to lighten up their mood. It generally gives you a feeling of lightheartedness, but use it too much and you'll find yourself hazy half the time, and maybe even delirious!"

I was definitely going to need my wand. Shoot.

"Now, everyone take out your wands – yes, that's right – Miss Black, where is your wand?"

Uh oh. I glanced across the room, where Regulus was sitting, to find him staring boredly out the window without the slightest interest in class.

"I…don't…have it, sir."

He stared at me expectant. "Well, _where _is it, Miss Black?"

"James Potter has it," I muttered as quietly as I could.

"Pardon?"

I sighed. "James Potter has it, sir," I said, louder.

Groans throughout the room. Professor Flitwick sighed heavily.

"Well, go get it back," he told me. "Mr Potter should be in Potions class at this time. Off you go, Miss Black."

This was not turning out to be a good day. With another sigh I trudged out the door, down the hall, back downstairs to the main floor before going down a corridor to the Potions room, and timidly knocking on the door.

"Yes, yes! Come in, what is it?"

I pushed open the door as little as possible and peeked through. "I need my wand back," I said meekly to Professor Slughorn, pretending not to notice all the students staring at me. "From Potter…please."

I felt stupid. How do you tell a teacher you needed to get your wand back from one of his students and still retain your dignity?

Indeed, Slughorn and the rest of the class in general were staring at me funny.

"Very well," Slughorn said slowly, directing his expression towards a table close to the door. I looked there, too, to see all four Marauders sitting together and looking at me. Except Sirius and Remus looked nervous, Peter was fidgety and James was rubbing his neck. Hardly being the confident smart-alecks they usually were. "Potter, hand Miss Black's wand over, if you please, and you can stay after class to explain just _why _her wand was in your possession."

James nodded slightly and got up, blinking. He rummaged in his pocket for a second as he walked over and slowly stuck out the wand. As soon as I went to take it, though, he grabbed the doorknob and pulled it near-closed on us.

"Mr Potter!" Slughorn exclaimed from inside the classroom.

James poked his head in through the gap. "Just a second, Professor!"

The Marauder then turned and once again held out my wand. I grasped it, but he didn't let go.

"Moony and Padfoot are sorry," he said quickly, blinking at me as though still surprised I was there. "They – er – they found out that you…um…_know _about their plan-thing."

I glanced past James' shoulder and into the classroom. Sirius was slumping slightly in his seat and pulling on Peter's collar. He was saying something that looked like 'She's going to kill me', but I'm not lip-reader so I wouldn't know.

With a little bit of a jerk, I got him to let go of my wand.

"There's nothing to be sorry about." I studied James' shoulder because it was easier to talk to, just as Slughorn called his name again. "I chose to put trust in people who would obviously let me down. Who else can I blame but myself?"

The door was thrown open by Slughorn. Instantly I raised my wand to James' throat, and he did the same to me. We wouldn't want anyone to think we'd been speaking _civil _to each other, no would we?

"Potter! Black! That's enough! Miss Black, you have disrupted my class enough! Back to your own room, if you _please!_ Potter, I'll see you in detention!"

"Wha – but she had her wand on me too!" I heard James say indignantly as I walked back to class. It put a rather cruel smile on my face. I think Professor Slughorn's just afraid to make me cry again.

Ha, Potter. Ha.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me tell you how irritating it is to have people gang up on you.

I paused with my fork halfway to my mouth and stared at Regulus and Severus. They'd just sat down across from me.

"Uh?" I said intelligently, my mouth still slightly open and hoping to be presented with my fork full of mashed potatoes.

"What's going on with you and Potter?" Regulus demanded, his voice whip-like.

My stomach dropped. Severus' eyes narrowed. "The Marauders have been picking on you," he remarked.

Relief flushed through me. They didn't suspect anything. "Oh," I said softly. It took me a second to get over the relief and refocus on the question. "Well, that is – no, they're-,"

"Tell me the truth," Regulus demanded, splaying his hands across the table. He acted as though we hadn't been at odds for the past few days. "He's been hounding you."

Me, clueless. "Who?"

"Sirius!"

"_No,_" I slumped slightly and with a bit of remorse put my fork back down on my plate. "Potter just swiped my wand in the hall earlier. _He,_" and here I made a bit of venom enter my voice as if the thought of Sirius was hateful to me. "Wasn't even there."

"Are you lying?" Severus demanded.

"No," I replied, frowning. "That's the first time any of the Marauders have bothered me in a while."

Regulus grunted. Severus leant back. I looked at them thoughtfully.

"How's Lucius doing?"

"He hates your guts, for some reason," Regulus muttered. "Other than that he's like the glowing vision of his father."

Hates my guts. Of course he would, I'm the epitome of all that is meek and un-powerful. Everything he now despises.

I rubbed my forehead. Headache. "Narcissa's not helping much, I guess…"

"Narcissa is only using Lucius. They're betrothed anyways." Severus still looked suspicious of me. "It's obvious she's manipulating Lucius while he's upset."

Narcissa. Manipulative. Now there's concept. My mind trailed off subject, faintly realizing how ignorant men were. Both of the boys across from me were acting as though there had been no tension between us earlier.

Regulus squinted at me a little. "Something's different about you."

"I joined the Ministry of Magic," I muttered dryly, once again picking up my fork. "Haven't you heard?"

"Shut up. I mean, looking at you. You look…" he struggled for a word, like James had. "Weird."

"Thank you. Rub it in."

"I know!" Reggie sat back, a satisfied grin taking over his wide mouth. "You don't have your hair in that stupid-looking bun like usual."

I love him, really. The git. Severus made a derogatory noise.

"Congratulations," he muttered.

I actually hadn't remembered to find another ribbon for my hair. Sighing, I took out my wand and let a dark green one flow from its tip before reaching up and twisting my hair. I tied it up with only half-interest.

"And there's the stupid look again," Regulus put his hands up. Well, he'll just have to put up with this.

I got up. Today I'd put away my bag before coming down to dinner, to the lack of weight on my shoulder was a pleasant surprise.

"I have to feed Salem," I said thoughtfully. I was also tired. Maybe I'd go to bed early today.

"You'd starve the poor thing if it didn't yowl at Severus' door every time you didn't give it food," Regulus said. Severus looked a little irritated.

"I trained it well."

With that I got another Sugar Quill from my pocket and sucked on it vigorously as I wandered out of the Great Hall. I decided that instead of going directly to the dungeons – Salem was already fed, I'd lied – I'd take a little walk around the school. It was a big castle, it wasn't as if walking through the thousands of halls wasn't fun.

And so I started up the stairs slowly, not skipping three steps like I always do. I passed the Bloody Baron on my way up and received a shiver down my spine. I fiddled with the feather of my Sugar Quill, looking at all the pictures as I walked past, and letting people pass me on their way to wherever. It was actually a very nice venture, wandering through the halls both empty and lively, catching different pieces of conversation or just thinking light thoughts to myself.

I'd been doing this for almost twenty minutes when I went down a rather empty hall, sort of staring at the tiles on the ground but lost in thought. As I heard someone coming from the other direction I glanced up.

Remus looked pleadingly back at me.

With a small squeak I turned right around, sucking vigorously on my Sugar Quill, and walked straight back the way I'd come.

"Ivy, wait-,"

"Look, it's fine, it really is," I found myself saying, and I felt stupid. He jogged up to me and just as stupidly, I stopped.

"No, it's not fine," he remarked. He looked ashamed. "It wasn't right of me to-,"

"There's nothing to explain. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I know my brother. I was stupid to believe any of his friends were different from him."

He stared at me as if he really, really didn't want to hear what I was saying, and when he did, it saddened him. Thinking the conversation was over, I started to move away when he grabbed my arm and started pulling me in the other direction.

"Ah – what are you – l-let go!"

"Just calm down," he told me.

Abruptly, he turned and strode back in the direction he'd just pulled me from. This was nonsense. "What – _what are you doing?_"

I could pull, push, kick, slap and struggle as much as I wanted, all he did in reply was wrap his arms around my ribcage and _literally _drag me.

I'm being harassed! _Why _isn't anyone else coming down this hall!

"You – I'm going to tell my brother and when I do you'll find yourself a pile of charred remains, _Moony_-,"

"You're very spirited," he commented, as though there was absolutely nothing wrong. He turned and _again _dragged me in the direction we'd _just _come from. "You should show that more often."

He stopped in front of a door. A door which, I may add, had not been there a second ago. I stared at it, frowning…any door that just came out of nowhere was suspicious. I'm not going in.

He steered me towards it. I dug my feet into the ground. No. Not going in.

Remus pushed the door open and nudged me in. I, of course, tripped on my own shoe and fell onto a cushiony, soft red carpet.

I blinked.

The room was a cozy living room. It had big, soft-looking couches surrounding a mahogany coffee table with a pitcher of pumpkin juice sitting readily on it. There were high, stained glass windows on the far wall and a small fireplace in the corner.

"Room of Requirement," Remus said in a careful voice behind me. I looked back at him. He was frowning at me. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

I was surprised at the anxiousness his expression conveyed. He usually looked a mixture of calm and sad. This well-worn, fatigued worry now conquering his face made him look a lot older. I decided I didn't like the expression.

I rubbed my arms. They weren't sore. "No," I answered.

Remus relaxed slightly. "Ivy," he began in a change of subject, helping me up and sitting down on one of the couches. I followed suit on the opposite one. "Please don't warp this into being your fault."

"Why does it matter to you?" I asked in confusion.

He rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Does there have to be a reason?" he wondered quietly. "I was like you once."

Hard to believe. "You're not a Death Eater."

Remus shook his head of brown hair. "No. But I do have problems. Bad problems. Sirius was right to think I could help you."

"But you-," I began to argue, stiffening. I stopped. I wasn't going to blame him. I wasn't.

I didn't like the way he watched me. "Yell at me. It's my fault. You know you want to blame Sirius and I."

"I'm not mad at you," I said, resting my forehead in one hand. "This is my fault. I should be smarter. I shouldn't be so trustworthy-,"

"I invaded your privacy," Remus continued, "You feel like a fool because of me. Just _say _it, Ivy, you'll feel better-,"

"I can't blame you! You're a good person! _Sirius _is a good person! Both of you, I can't yell at _either _of you, I can't demean _anyone _because they're all good people and I'm a murderer!"

Contrary to myself, I had been yelling. I can't remember ever yelling at someone before. I've never argued with another person so seriously; they reprimand, I correct my path. End of cycle. I don't want to yell. I don't want to be the sort of person that cracks under pressure. I don't want to shoot my melodramatic thoughts into being.

I want to stop being so _ashamed _of myself.

I'd slipped off the couch to sit on my knees. My head throbbed and I was feeling dead tired.

Remus slid from the couch, too, and sat cross-legged on the fluffy carpet with his arms folded on the table. He let out a long, loose sigh, the sort of sound one would make when completely drained.

"Please believe me," he said softly, resting his chin on his arm. "I know how you feel."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	10. Foreboding

Okay. OKAY! I'M SO SORRY! (sniff) my computer died and I'm moving, so it's busy...

**Foreboding**

December the twenty-first.

I can't believe I forgot tomorrow was December the twenty-first.

Regulus sat there on the other side of the table, cleverly smirking into his food. He probably knew the entire time that I was forgetting father's birthday. I glanced down at my dish of finely grilled salmon with a side of salad and frowned slightly. It was upsetting to me, also. As far as it went father was my preferred parent. He didn't talk nearly as much as mother, let alone yell.

My distress at this moment was caused by a regular dinner conversation of the Christmas parties Regulus and I were supposed to attend with them over our vacation from school. They weren't really any bother, unless of course you had a problem with others seeing you as a sort of reflection of your parents. Which meant Regulus and I had to be on our best behaviour. If we weren't…

Never mind – back to the subject at hand, mother and Regulus had been talking about these parties and had mentioned going to one tomorrow at the Lestrange Estate, as Rodolphus was obviously making an effort to get praise from his relatives-to-be. Cousin Bellatrix, from the brief instances that I've seen of her, is quite smug for this reason. Regulus had then looked over at father, sitting at the head of the table.

"So, how many years will it be, father?" is what he'd said.

I'd frozen. Father had carefully set down in fork in lieu of taking up his gold, jewel-encrusted goblet and said in his brisk tone, "Forty-five."

And thus it had dawned on me that I had completely forgotten father's birthday.

I glanced quickly at mother, wondering if she would disembowel me if I came to my own father's party without a gift. Regulus – _sadistic git _– was still smirking slightly down at his mashed potatoes. I bet he guided this whole conversation along just to horrify me.

"Ivarius, stop that expression."

"Yes, mother."

Regulus lifted his head and smiled openly at me. "Oh, Ivy," he said in his fakest, most irritating voice of cheer. "Aren't you so excited?"

_Git.

* * *

_

Upstairs, I stalked up to Regulus' room and knocked on his door.

"Who's there?" a voice asked from inside, nearly cackling from glee.

"Shut up you git and let me _in._"

"Temper, temper," Regulus opened his door and I walked into his elaborately decorated room, frowning. "You've been waspish ever since holidays started."

He doesn't need to know why. I'm not about to explain. GIT. "I need you to get me a gift for father."

"Really," Regulus drawled, wandering over to his bed. "Do you mean to tell me you – Merlin forbid – _forgot _father's birthday?"

"You're turning into Severus," I told him, knowing he didn't want to hear it. "Just go and get him the _Book of Black Magic _by Whitmore Dunshed in Knockturn-,"

Regulus reclined on his pillows, pushing stray black hair from his eyes. I wondered briefly, amused, how many girls have fallen in love with his _'gorgeous eyes'_. "Scurry off and get it yourself, mouse."

I stiffened. "Mother hates it when I-,"

"-go out after dark?" Regulus stared at me with an expression that told me I was like a fly that kept buzzing around his head. "You're a Death Eater now. There's no threat anymore – you _are _the threat."

Ah. So now I'm one of those prowlers that all parents usher their children away from. They think I'm just going to out and blast every thing in sight just because it's dark out, do they? _Pleasant. _

No, I had other reasons for not wanting to go out. It was _Christmas. _Didn't matter what time it was – Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley would be packed full of witches and warlocks making last minute purchases. I shudder at the thought of even trying to get through…they'd eat me alive.

I turned on my heel. "I'll owl Severus," I told him curtly. If he wasn't going to do it –

Regulus made a sharp, irritated noise behind me. "Damn, Ivy, when are you going to learn?" he demanded in impatience. I stopped in surprise and looked back at him. "Can't you do _anything _for yourself?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Is that your best insult?" I muttered before walking out the door.

Stupid brother. He was right. And now in hindsight I realise just how right he really is – I've been snapping at him ever since we left for the Hogwarts Express. Why am I being so moody?

Maybe it's because of the talk Remus and I had. After he'd told me I wasn't alone, almost desperately confided in me that I wasn't alone…I hadn't known what to do. Eventually, after hours of silence, Remus asked quietly if I was tired and after that it seemed we both were walking out the door, my interest not even held by it as it disappeared. We parted ways with a faint, half-hearted 'goodnight' and that was that.

But what's more? Sirius had been wandering in the dungeons, and it was Regulus that had happened upon him.

They were duelling, and I had to yell and scream and threaten and James had to come running and I had to hold back Regulus, who was angry and rushed with the adrenaline of a fight and both of them nearly pummelled James and I to get back at each other, if only to scrap. And then, when they finally went to just throwing terrible, personal insults at each other Sirius wouldn't _leave. _In fact, he _refused _to leave until I heard him out and he said that I could be mad at him but he was _not _sorry, nor would he ever be. Well, that of course got Regulus suspicious as to what was going on and I had to verbally bear down on Sirius to the point where I thought Sirius might've been actually, even slightly hurt by what horrid things I'd hit him with. It was difficult, it was very difficult, to say those things to Sirius, who above being my eldest sibling and above being very, very intimidating was the one that cared about me, however shallow that care is. Even James, who had quite the mouth himself, was running his hand anxiously through his hair and trying to drag Sirius away from the situation, which was just terrible on all sides.

I eventually demanded that he get out of my sight or so help me I would tell father he was harassing me. And getting father involved, in Sirius' case, inevitably meant one thing. Death.

Those – those two – _idiots _that think they have to kill each other every time a teacher's not in sight – why do they have to hate each other so much in the first bloody place?

"I'm going for a walk, mother," I said whilst opening the door.

"If you _must,_" was the reply that came from the living room.

It was cold outside. Luckily I had taking my cloak from its hanger on my way out. I pulled it around my shoulders and released a short sigh.

'_Can't you do _anything _for yourself?'_

_No. _No, I couldn't. Isn't that apparent by now? Didn't he see, after living with me for sixteen years, that I depend on others to survive? I'm _trying, _doesn't he know that? Why does he have to keep reminding me of my flaws? My bloody imperfections – how gullible I am, how trusting, how _spineless. _

Why is Sirius bothering with me still? He sees these flaws, too…

Well. He won't bother with me anymore, I know that. Not after those things I said to him, what I called him. I guess, this way, staying away from him should be much easier.

Knockturn Alley was swarming, as predicted.

I squeezed past people left and right, trying to get my bearings. Some the store signs I couldn't even see because of some many tall people obscuring my view. Still, I was able to reach the door of _Hogglesburn Books _and push open the door, apologising when it hit someone in the process.

The book I wanted to get my father was on the second floor, and I doubted it would be sold already because it was one of those hidden jewels you find among the rubbage of the shelves, between some theories of werewolves to _Three Thousand Uses for a Toadstool. _In fact, the aisle I went down to retrieve the book – which I had found at an earlier visit – was virtually empty.

I say virtually empty because there was a tall, slim boy with rusty blonde hair and brown eyes scanning through the shelves. I recognised him as one of the prefects – West Snively, or something to that affect – from the Slytherin house. Well…obviously from the Slytherin house. Otherwise I doubt he would be in Knockturn Alley.

I slid past him with a brief 'excuse me' and went to the end of the aisle. There, almost instantly my eyes were set upon the book in question and I plucked it from its place quite triumphantly, feeling a little of the weight lift from my shoulders.

After again squeezing past Snively, I went back downstairs and tried to find some semblance of a line to take my place in. The wait was torture. I was so tired at the time I was nearly sleeping on my feet and once I almost dropped my prize due to fatigue. Finally – _finally _– I was in front of the register.

"Twenty galleons," a very frazzled-looking woman told me, her tone winded. I handed her the money and stuck a Sugar Quill in my mouth. "Thank you, Happy Christmas – and try not to chew those too often," the lady added in an undertone, nodding to my Quill. She must've thought it was real. "I hear the ink remnants on those things make you terrible in bed."

I can't believe a complete stranger just said that to me.

I stared at her, slightly mortified for a few moments until I was pushed aside by a waiting customer. Trying hard to shake the shock from my mind I went back out the door and pushed through the streets, back into Diagon Alley. I've had enough of this; I'll just use the Floo Network.

I went into the bookstore of Diagon Alley – whose name escapes me, since I never really come in here – and walked to the back of the store where the fireplace was. No one was really thinking enough to use it. I just walked up, grabbed a pinch of Floo powder and stepped into the heath.

"_Black Manor!_"

Don't bother me about the title. What's done is done.

Moments later I found myself in my own home, hiding the book under my cloak and brushing soot off my shoulders before I stepped out onto the nice, plush green rug. The living room was empty; I assumed Mum and Father had gone up to bed.

I was just removing my heavy, fur-lined cloak when the fire roared to life behind me. I jumped in surprise. Who was visiting at this hour?

"It worked," said a surprised voice behind me. I turned.

James Potter blinked back at me, grinning. "Nice living room, Black."

Merlin forbid.

"_Are you mad?_" I demanded as he stepped out, brushing off his cloak as though he owned this house. "What – do you have any idea – _let go of me!_"

"What?" James as innocently as he pushed me into the hearth. "It's not like anyone's _awake _at this hour-,"

"I could yell," I threatened, still terribly alarmed there was a _Gryffindor _standing in the living room of the Blacks. Wait – what if Kreacher came about and – "Regulus would kill you-,"

"_The Potter Household!_"

Never mind Regulus, _I'll _kill him. He sent me through the Floo Network at a nauseating speed, and I was still so disoriented from _Potter _showing up in my fireplace that as soon as I came out of the Floo Network, I fell out of the hearth.

I sat up quickly. "_Git,_" I hissed, pulling out my wand. I glared at the fireplace. Just wait, you deranged warlock, I'm going to mar that smirking face of yours.

"Ivy?" another familiar voice said behind me. I turned. Lily was sitting on the chesterfield, looking quite surprised. Suddenly her eyes fluttered towards the hearth as James stepped out, looking quite self-satisfied. She stood up, looking flabbergasted. "You _didn't._"

James deflected the hex I sent at him offhandedly. "I did," he replied proudly.

I don't have to bear through this. I moved towards the fireplace – James blocked my path.

"Sorry," he mentioned brightly. "You're not going anywhere."

"What do you _want?_" I demanded in frustration. "Where am I?"

"My house," he shrugged. "Wand, please."

"I'm not going to just-,"

"Oh, James," an older woman walked in, carrying a tray of hot chocolates. She looked surprised at me but then smiled. "Is this another friend of yours?"

"This is Sirius' sister, Mum," James said. "She won't be any trouble." He glanced at me pointedly. "Will you?"

Mrs Potter had a very kindly look about her. I didn't know parents could actually be that nice. It was different and bizarre to me; all the mothers and fathers I knew were detached and frosty. In the face of this maternal feeling, I found myself letting go of my wand. James stuck it in his pocket.

"I see the resemblance," Mrs Potter told me. "Well, make yourself at home. Should I tell Sirius you're here?"

"…Sirius?" I mumbled, confused. Why would Sirius be here?

"Thanks," James nodded to Mrs Potter. Mrs Potter retreated back through the door she had come.

I looked around for the first time. It was a large living room we stood in, fireplace blazing. There was a cozy feel about the fuzzy couches, the coffee tables, and the many moving pictures that sat on the walls. A bright chandelier hung from the ceiling, the only hint of what could be quite a large fortune.

"You don't know, do you?" Lily began slowly. James took a seat next to her on the couch.

My eyes turned to her. I felt alienated; a black mark in this house of warmth and…_love._ I felt now more than ever the rift between myself, a Death Eater, and people who had never come face to face with the Dark Lord, with his voice and his soul-stealing Cause.

Lily, looking at her boyfriend briefly, pushed a lock of her long red hair behind her ear and folded her hands in her lap.

"Sirius lives here now."

I'd wondered where he lived. I always thought it was with our Uncle – the nicer one. Here was a good place, too. At least I knew where he was.

"When can I leave?" I asked, feeling tired. And I had to go to the Lestrange's tomorrow, too…

James made a show of taking my wand out and tossing it from one hand to the other, reminding me that I couldn't leave without it. "After you chat with Sirius."

"That's not going to happen."

James raised his eyebrows. "Well, then, you can sleep on the couch. You're not leaving until you do."

The Marauders have stolen my wand one too many times for this to be anything unexpected. Still, I was not and had not been in the mood to jest for four days now.

"I fail to see how you're going to keep me here. Ollivander's is filled to the brim with other wands."

"See," James reclined next to Lily. "_I_ think you don't want to leave. _I _think you _know _you have to talk to Padfoot and _I _think you're actually happy I brought you here."

This is a waste of time. I began to remember why I disliked him before we were acquainted. "_You insect._" I frowned at him, abruptly frustrated with his stupid ideas. "Nothing happens that easily, this isn't preschool. I do want to leave, I don't want to talk to Sirius, and I am _not _happy you brought me here. My father can contact the Floo Network Headquarters and have me found in a number of seconds if he were to know I'm here. And do you know what he'd do to me? To Sirius? Do you know what our _mother _would do? She wouldn't bloody make us hot chocolates, that's for sure."

James was unabashed. He scratched his neck. "Scared of getting grounded, Black?"

"Our family works differently from yours. I think you're smart enough to understand that, if nothing else. And Sirius doesn't-,"

"Sirius doesn't need others speaking for him," a familiar voice said. I turned around and found my brother walking towards us. He leant on the arm of the loveseat next to me and folded his own arms across his chest. He had an unreadable expression. "What's in your head to bring her here, Prongs?"

But Lily and James were already getting up. "I think I hear mother calling," he said lightly. "See you."

And he went out the door. With my wand.

'_Accio wand. Accio wand. Accio, damn it, you bloody useless piece of wood.' _

I sat down on the loveseat Sirius leant against his back was to me. I could see snow falling outside in the dark of night, and wished I was home sleeping.

I won't apologise for the things I said to him that day. He shouldn't have brought it up in front of Regulus. It's his own fault. It's his own fault.

"Nothing to say?" he muttered finally.

"Sod off."

"Merlin, why do you keep _snapping _at me?" Sirius demanded, dark eyes burning as he finally looked towards me. "How angry can you possibly get over-,"

"I'm not angry. Leave me alone."

"You're in my living room!"

"Tell your friend to give me back my wand!"

"Maybe you should stop falling for the same trick!" he stopped up with a jerk, as though his feet were controlling his actions, and he paced up and down in front of me. "You're gullible, Ivy! That's why I worry about you because your so bloody _trusting_-,"

"And this somehow gives you the right to go beating up Regulus in the dungeons," I hissed.

"He's fucking infuriating," Sirius snapped back.

"He's your _brother_-,"

"Did you come here to talk about him?" he seethed. "I won't hear of it. You can get out if all you're going to do is defend _darling old Regulus._"

I suddenly saw my father in Sirius. I felt as though he was talking down to me, as though he was right and I was in the wrong. This bothered me. I didn't come here willingly, if he doesn't remember, I don't have my _wand, _it is five minutes past midnight and the last thing I want to do is have to apologise for my actions when quite obviously he won't apologise for being manipulative and under-handed.

And now he's bad-mouthing my brother.

"I love him," I said quietly.

"Merlin knows why," Sirius muttered. He turned away from me and took to pacing again.

I felt frustrated with his stubborn perception of Regulus. _Let it slide, _I thought. It was off-topic. This was strange for me. I wasn't this argumentive, I wasn't this brash…stay calm. Calm down.

"You lied to me," I said slowly, tersely.

"It was making you happy," he retorted.

"Mum was right about you," I put a hand to my forehead, feeling overwhelmed by the situation. "Where do you get off doing this to me, Sirius?"

And there went my desires to not blame him. Not-blaming Remus was much easier, because at least _he _knew he was doing something wrong.

"You're talking as though I cut off your left leg," Sirius complained.

I knew, I _knew _there was no way we could resolve this. Neither of us would apologise for our respective mistakes. It was ticking me off.

"I'm not a toy," I said. "You can't toss me around to your heart's desire as though – as though – I'd never have you pour out your soul to someone's who's only there because I begged them to be!"

My voice had gone strangely high-pitched. I wondered if I was truly that upset. My decision to be calm was disintegrating.

"You can't…you can't…I-I can't…" I was talking nonsense now. "I can't…_handle _one more thing on top of this Death Eater business….you know…you _know _I want you to stay away from me…"

Incoherent, I thought I was. I was so, so tired. I hated admitting out loud that I wasn't good enough to take on all of this, all this arguing and betrayal and force on top of my role as a Death Eater. It made it final – it was out there now, he knew, I couldn't take it back.

Sirius was looking at me in an odd way. I sat back down on the couch, trying to gather my wits because somewhere in this conversation my common sense had disappeared. For some reason, I am alarmed to say, I suddenly wanted Remus close by. What am I thinking?

"I'm not disappearing."

Sirius' voice dragged me from my thoughts and I looked at him – my wand was floating through the air to his open palm. "I'm not going to leave you alone, and neither is Moony. You can push us aside all you like but the more you do, the more I'm going to lie and manipulate."

My brother yanked me off the couch, threw some Floo powder in the fire, and glared at me. "I'm sick of being ignored so _stop it._ You can fake all you like but nothing you yell at me in the dungeons is going to make a bloody difference so get over it!"

He nudged me slightly against the heath. The foul expression had returned a little to his face.

"Five days," he said. "Come here in five days. Midnight. If you're the sister I grew up with," and here he used a guilt card, more or less, "You'll give up this stubborn nonsense and do it."

He then shoved me in the fireplace. "_Black Manor!_"

Even as I landed back in my warm, silent house, wand shoved in my hands, I suddenly felt something heavy pushing on my shoulders. And I was terrified of this feeling, this warning…

…that the worst of my stay at home was….yet to come.

* * *

I hate being right.

I have decided that Rodolphus Lestrange is not a very nice man. At all. And I would much rather be putting up with Kreacher at home than sitting here, straight-backed in my chair, politely accepting comments and salutations from my many, many relatives. We – that is, mother, father and I, since Regulus sits at a different table as he is 'branching out' from under our father and getting more experience (apparently) to ready himself to be the head of the Black family – are all placed at the same table, though Mum was asked a while ago for a dance from Gavin Finch, one of my distant cousins twice-removed and since then she's been chattering about with other women; Mrs Goyle, Narcissa, and so on.

Dancing isn't really a matter of who dances with who, or who dances well, for that matter. Its just one of those things to test just how faithful you are to your pureblood family, your cult, your brethren. A requirement, I'd suppose. Although Narcissa once told me it was simply 'to be polite'.

_Rubbish. _

I realised that father was gone from his chair and noticed him speaking amongst some other men at another table, cigar in his mouth and already well-immersed in conversation. Apparently his silence only held firm in the face of his own family. Not that I was particularly bothered by this fact; while I did say he was my preferred parent, the truth is we aren't very close. There's always been the feeling of a chasm between our generations.

I watched, feeling myself drift into boredom, as my family members strut past, chattering amongst each other. Now this – this is something I can see as a constant in my life. I am always going to sit and blend with the background, which is fine by me since I really can't think of how awkward a conversation would be between myself and one of my older, prouder, more extravagant cousins.

Except I now have nothing to do for…

I glanced towards the large grandfather clock on my right.

…six hours.

"Here," I called over one House Elf with my finger. She was carrying a tray of potato skins. I took one and set it on my plate, not minding the creature as she hurried off to wait on someone else.

A flash of white-blonde hair caught my eye. I saw Lucius on the far side of the room, speaking stoically with a just-as-blank Rosier. I was reminded of my thoughts about the last remaining Malfoy, and how Narcissa might be manipulating him. I wasn't sure what could be done about that – Narcissa was frightening in that she has very…passionate ways of expressing herself. Dramatic might be a good way to describe it. Things are always at the very best or very worst for her; I can't remember seeing her nonchalant over anything.

And then of course there was the problem of Lucius himself who now hated me with a passion. I couldn't see myself getting very far past that. In fact, I could see it happening now; I open my mouth, and he curses me. End of cycle. To ice the cake, Lucius was speaking with Rosier, who seems to have become the object of my fear. He's just…_disconcerting._

Have I mentioned how bored I am?

Oh. Alright then.

An hour passed, in which I managed to make my potato skin last exactly twenty five minutes by taking the most miniscule bites possible out of it.

"There you are, Ivy," I heard my mother's voice say. I watched her walk up to my table. I wondered if she'd been drinking; I was sitting at the exact same table that she and father were supposed to be sitting at. Mum motioned to the two people standing next to her. "You remember Aunt Alice and her son, Morgan?"

Aunt Alice was much, much younger than Mum. She was closer to my age, in fact. She was a beautiful as any of the Blacks, and had just as dark hair. Her eyes were a bright, dazzling shade of green and she was very tall. Next to her stood cousin…Morgan. I didn't recognise him at first, he looked so different from the last time I saw him. He was an adopted son of Aunt Alice's – pureblood, obviously – but much more hazel-skinned in comparison to the ghostly pale of my other relatives. His hair was a very rich chocolate colour and his eyes were hazel.

Well. Last time I saw him he was just a scrawny eleven year-old with a deep, burning desire to make my life as miserable as humanely possible before Sirius caught him. Now he was Regulus' age, and – even compared to the others – very handsome.

That's painfully unfair.

I stood up in the name of courtesy. "Hello," I said. "It's a pleasure to see you again, Auntie, Cousin."

"Hello, Ivarius," Aunt Alice replied in that soft voice of hers. "You've certainly grown since we met last. And how is your time at Hogwarts treating you?"

"Ivarius is getting top grades in all of her studies, of course," Mum answered for me in that sickeningly sweet way that was never used in our own house.

"Of course," Aunt Alice laughed gently, clearly. "Morgan is doing finely in Durmstrang, I'm proud to say. In any case, I do believe I should go wish Angus a happy birthday. Are you coming, sister?"

"I think I will," Mum conceded. "Ivarius, entertain your cousin."

Adults.

I sat down with a deep sigh as they walked off. Morgan sat in father's chair across from me.

"You look like you're having fun," he commented.

"Mm." I looked at him, trying to find hints of the little boy I'd last seen. He smirked.

"Times have changed since we saw each other last," Morgan said as he retrieved a goblet of firewhisky from the tray of a passing house elf. I do love people who point out the obvious.

"Yes," I answered.

"I see big bad Sirius has been pushed out of the picture," Morgan glanced sidelong at me.

"You're quite the conversationalist," I stated.

"You're quite the anti-socialist," was his retaliation.

"I have the feeling you didn't come all the way from Durmstrang to chastise me on my lack of conversation," I frowned at him, watching him drink slowly from the mug and knowing he was underage.

He shrugged. "Are you thirsty?"

I stared at his steaming glass. "No."

He was smirking again. I sat and averted my gaze to the others chattering at various, circular tables. Lucius and Rosier had disappeared.

Hesitantly my thoughts drifted back to Sirius. Five days from yesterday was Christmas. I had no idea what I should do – whether I should go…see him, and talk to him, like I might want to, or stay away like I should be. He was nearly _forcing _me to acknowledge him, to see him and not ignore him and it made me anxious, because I knew deep down that Death Eaters were everywhere and hiding under some of the kindest faces. Sirius was a brilliant wizard, I knew, but – what if he was outnumbered? And what would I do in that situation?

Where was the line, I wondered. In what situation would it matter more to stand by my brother than stay alive under the Dark Lord's command? Would that situation ever arise?

I hope not. I hope not. Some people are courageous. People like to think that they could be saviours, be heroes, and sacrifice themselves in the name of others. I don't think I could. I think I would be terrified. It makes me feel cowardly to think that I really, probably couldn't save someone else's life.

"Don't cry."

I blinked. Ah. Right. Morgan's across from me. "Pardon?" I asked, wondering what he meant.

Morgan was frowning at me, rolling the goblet between his fingers. "The last thing anyone here wants," he murmured coolly, eyes strangely blank, "Is the nuisance of your own self-pity."

I wondered how hard I could kick him. It'd probably hurt most on the shin. He'd rat on me, however, spineless little toad.

"Why are you still here?" I asked dully. I thought he might've gotten bored with me by now.

The smirk returned. "I'm transferring to Hogwarts," he said amusedly. "Know why?"

"They kicked you out of that frozen Azkaban-,"

"Your father _wanted _it, Ivy," Morgan's voice rode over mine completely. "You see, certain individuals have made it clear that they don't think you're quite…up to par."

"Are you still talking?" I sighed, setting my chin in my palm. The last thing he would know is that I was slightly scared of him. "What does this have to do with you?"

"Cousin," he sighed and shook his head, as if saying, 'Oh Ivy, you're so naïve.' "Its been decided that you should be brought up to the calibre of the family name. They kindly asked me to whip you into shape."

Now I was worried. This could imply many things, bad things, and hazards for myself and my private friends.

"In other words," Here Morgan smiled and touched my hand across the table, as though to assure me that he was going to take care of everything. He smiled the kindest, most sincere smile.

"I'm going to make you scream for death, Ivarius Black."

* * *

the line-thingy works again! w !! woot! 


	11. To Be a Black

**Ahaha! I love working line thingies. **

**Anywho. There's a bit of violence near the end/middle of this chapter, and I wasn't sure how people would take to it, so I made it really quick because I felt bad and so I'm warning you first. **

**ALSO i HAVE CHANGED THE RATING TO "M" FOR LATER VIOLENCE. (which is sort of ironic, seeing as I try to stay away from M-rated fics...)**

**Anyways, sorry for the delay, and I don't own Harry Potter. But Ivy and Morgan are mine (JOY)

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To Be a Black

"You're mad."

I snatched my hand away from his cold fingers. I suddenly hated his eyes – they were _mad, _they were filled with – with dark intentions. I did not find this funny. Not at all. He couldn't be serious.

'_I'm going to make you scream for death.' _

"Are you scared?" he whispered. Morgan's mouth was still in that wide, persistent smile. With every moment, he seemed to be more and more excited by my growing discomfort.

"Go away. Now."

That didn't bother him, as I was almost fearful it would. Instead, a deep chuckle escaped him as he stood. "I'll see you in the morning…"

"Stay away from me," I bit back, more terrified of letting him know I was scared than anything else. What would he do if he knew I was intimidated? Take advantage of it.

Morgan swept around the table and took my hand in his own, cold one. I was scared. Abruptly I feared him. This wasn't a regular family of mine – when Morgan said he was going to do something, he meant it completely. I was fearful of what he might do should I try to take my hand away.

He kissed the knuckle of my index finger. "I'll see you in the morning."

Again with that. I wondered if he was deluded, or if something had happened and he was insane. Nonetheless, with another brief laugh he let my hand drop and slipped into the thresh of people.

I stared after him, then looked back down at the black silk tablecloth draped over my table. I tried to remain calm on the outside. I tried not to look unnerved. This was ridiculous. Would father really…_hire _Morgan to alter my behaviour? I didn't know. I didn't know him well enough, in all truth. That probably had something to do with why I liked him better than Mum. But if he had asked Morgan to do this for him – what would Morgan do to me? What would my family _allow _him to do?

I glanced across the room to a table surrounded by the young pureblood warlocks. Did Regulus know? Was he in on this, too?

_What exactly would Morgan do to me?_

Someone sat down across from me. It took a second for my mind to register.

"Narcissa," I said blankly.

"You're going to stop talking to Morgan King."

"Just leave me alone," I muttered, wishing I could curl up in the seat and fall asleep. Its one thing after another tonight.

Her blue eyes narrowed at me. "He's far, far out of your league."

It crossed my mind briefly just how aware we both were of Narcissa's engagement to Lucius. "You take the prat wherever you like," I said irritably, disliking how uncomfortable I was. "Leave me alone."

"Don't talk down to me you insufferable-,"

I got up and walked away, intent on finding Mum. I hadn't the patience for Narcissa, not now. I wanted to go home and sleep.

Finally, I found her surrounded by a thresh of other women. "I'd like to go home, mother," I said quietly.

She waved a hand impatient and took a gulp from her goblet. "Yes, yes, take the bus, darling. Goodnight."

I highly doubted she gave me a second thought. I didn't actually want her to. I turned after gaining permission and went straight out the door, down the long drive, and stuck my wand hand out at the side of the road. With a loud _crack _the Knight Bus burst forth, zigzagging madly over the road and half-blinding me with its bright headlights. I waited for it to screech to a stop and the footman to jump out.

"Welcome to the Knight-,"

"Charmed," I muttered, brushing past him to get on. At this time of night the usual round tables and their little chairs had been replaced with beds. Only a few, frazzled and ill-looking people sat here and there. From the looks of them they had no intention of sleeping on this ride. I couldn't blame them.

"So where y' goin', miss?" The footman wanted to know as he climbed in and I sat down.

"Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. London."

Instantly the Bus let out a bang and shot forwards again, jumping from place to place, letting off one person, then another. I felt sick from the, sitting on the edge of my chosen bed and more than ready to get off when my turn came. Finally, the Bus jolted to a step before my front door. I remembered how paranoid father was about others knowing of our location – but it wasn't as though these people knew who I was. Still...if father kept this up for much longer I'm sure he'll make the house Unplottable, Merlin forbid.

I paid the footman and got out, walked to my front door, and went through silently. I was tired, and dizzy from the bus ride. Still, I went upstairs where Salem greeted me with a small 'meow' and, without even changing clothes, fell asleep the moment my head touched the pillow.

I had no idea this would be my last night of fitful sleep for a long time.

* * *

It was more or less morning when something yanked me out of my bed and let me fall on the floor, headfirst. I yelped in both surprise and pain, unsure of my surroundings, still in the mind-set of sleep. But I wouldn't be waited upon today. Two large, tight hands grabbed me by the arms and hauled me to me feet. As I blinked, dazed and confused, I looked behind me in fear of the perpetrator –

"Mother?"

"Get up, _get up, _you lazy girl-," She literally dragged me through my open door. I began to panic and tried, in vain, to make her let go.

"Mother – what – what are you doing-,"

"Stop your nonsense, Ivarius," Mum snapped. I could feel her nails digging into my skin beneath the fabric of my robes. She was very efficient, already at the stairs and pulling me down as though my struggling was little to nothing against her.

"Mother! Stop! Please stop it!"

She was already at the stairs, past my father, who stood calmly at one side of the hall with his pipe in one hand as though nothing was happening. I heard the click of the door and suddenly I was literally thrown out the threshold to land against the cold, icy sidewalk after only just missing our concrete steps. A black blur was whipped through the door to land in the snow not far from me. It was Salem. Wide-eyed and completely confused, I looked back up at my sneering mother.

"Return when you've grown a backbone."

And with a loud slam, the door was shut.

It was so deathly quiet all at once, after the blurry ruckus of the past few seconds. My home, my own house loomed silent before me. I couldn't hear any noise from within.

I was blocked.

In the back of my mind, I noticed how dark it still was. Dawn had barely touched the horizon. It wasn't snowing, but it was deathly cold. My house was dark. No lights were on in the windows.

I don't understand.

What is this? What happened? What's going on? I stood up slowly, a terrible feeling of anxiety crawling through my stomach. Hurriedly I went for the door and pulled at the knob, but it wouldn't budge. Not matter how much I turned it or knocked against it or shook the door in its frame it would not give way for me. At one point it finally clicked in my head that yes, I was a witch, and yes, I could use magic. I stuck a hand in my pocket for my wand.

It wasn't there.

Surprised and frantic, I shuffled hastily through all of my pockets, letting other contents such as scrap parchment and Sugar Quills scatter across the floor. I had no wand. _I had no wand. _

"Moth – !" I paused with my hand inches away from a solid knock on the door.

'_Return when you've grown a backbone.'_

I was that bad. I was that…disappointing? Was she so unsatisfied with the person I was – was _father _so unsatisfied – was – was…

I looked up, wringing my fingers together, at the far window of the second floor and saw the emerald curtain flutter softly. Regulus. _Was this your idea? _I wanted to ask him. _Were you in on this, too?_

He couldn't have been. No, he couldn't. We don't see eye-to-eye, but he would – he'd never –

"I already see _your _problem," a voice muttered. I jumped and turned.

"…Morgan-,"

His hand snapped across my face. "They don't _care _about you," he said boredly, sticking a cigarette between his lips. "Any idea how I come to this conclusion?"

"Stay away from me," I whispered, cheek stinging as I moved past him and picked up Salem. I didn't have a wand, I couldn't call the Knight Bus, I couldn't Apparate properly, Diagon Alley was halfway across London…

"Because they left you to me," Morgan grabbed the collar of my cloak; Salem hissed at him even as the smirk grew across his tan face. The putrid sent of burning tobacco filled my nose; I tried to hold my breath. "They don't care what I do to you, they don't care how it happens, all they want," he tipped the chin up with his wand. I wondered if he was going to curse me. "Is a Death Eater."

"I _am_ a Death Eater," I muttered, shoving anxiously away from him only to have him grab my arm and slam me into the frozen sidewalk, much harder than I had landed on it before. Salem dashed out of my arms.

I realized Morgan was laughing. "Don't flatter yourself," he remarked in a cold voice, removing the cigarette briefly from his mouth. "Now get up."

I see now. This is what he meant when he said he'd see me in the morning. He knew about this thing…how long had my parents been planning to kick me out of the house?

"Too slow." He kicked me, sending a quivering pain through my ribs. Sharp alarm rose in my mind – had he broken any bones? "Get up."

This time, I got up as fast as I could and looked up at him, worried, wary. Morgan cackled at my actions.

"Like a dog," he remarked snidely.

"What is it you want of me?" I wanted to know, and my voice was scared.

The cigarette was back again. "Nothing," he replied, raising his eyebrows. "See you."

He Apparated with a sharp _crack, _and I was left even more confused than before, on the sidewalk with no one around.

Numbly, thoughtlessly, idiotically, I started walking.

* * *

Morning found me somewhere in London, in a narrow alley, staring out from my place of solitude on those that walked by. Muggles. Busy, jabbering, fast-walking people oblivious to Salem or myself at my feet.

There were things to think about that I didn't want to think about. I was hungry. I was cold. I had no means to get anywhere, to communicate with anyone. I admitted it to myself that I would surely; surely find myself starving in the slums of London unless I got some help –

'_Can't you do _anything _for yourself?'_

I continued staring from the edge of a shadowed alley as morning graced the Muggles, puffing clouds of fog in the brisk air as the skittered purposefully towards their destinations with strange things in their ears, strange clothing on their bodies. They were all moving, going about their business, fast-paced and ready for the day ahead.

I was the opposite. I didn't want daylight to touch me. I felt that if it did, I would be shoved into some sort of spotlight and all would know that I was here, that I was not home, that I was no longer part of the Black household. I didn't want to _move, _I didn't want to even breathe, for fear that any sort of movement would cause me to suddenly lose this stony calm.

_I can't go home. _

I can't go _home. _I don't have a wand. What the hell am I supposed to do? I felt sick. I felt betrayed. Where was I going to sleep? What was I going to do for food? For warmth? What would happen to me when night came? I could protect myself _without a wand_…

I wanted Regulus. I wanted Sirius. I wanted someone here, with me, at least for some sort of comfort.

…

'**_Can't you do _anything _for yourself?'_**

_Crack!_

"An alley," Morgan's voice sighed. "An _alley?_"

_Leave me alone, _I wanted to say. I was too afraid to say it.

"You could always just kill a Muggle girl," he said as he walked up next to me. His green eyes flickered to me only briefly before he picked Salem up, allowing the cat to bite his hand without much objection. "And take her clothes."

I swallowed thickly. The very prospect… "I have no wand."

Morgan smiled delightedly. "There's more than one way to kill something, Ivarius."

Before I fully comprehended his statement, he threw Salem right across the alley at full force into the brick wall. There was a sharp yelp and a crack, before the black body simply dropped into the snow like a limp stuffed toy.

…ah…

"Cats are so filthy." Morgan licked his hand and pulled out a cigarette. "Diseased little buggers. The world would be better without them."

…._ah…_

He was smirking again. "Get down on your knees."

No…leave me alone…leave…leave…

"Get down on your knees. Now."

LEAVE!

He scoffed boredly. _"Crucio." _

My mind was hit by overwhelming pain. It felt different this time than the last, sharp, jarring, burning, scalding, _acid-like _and it wouldn't stop, it wouldn't stop and I couldn't move and I couldn't think and I screamed and screamed unaware of who I was or where I was or what was going on around me – I couldn't move to hold my head or my arm because there was no one source of pain it was _everywhere _and it wouldn't stop – it wouldn't _stop _–

And then it did. It was gone. I slumped over. There were yells and people talking and someone scoffing. I heard it but I didn't because I was very sure that I was losing my mind and that there was nothing else that I could do because I was going to _die _and that was it…

I found myself blinking at Morgan, pain gone.

"Let's understand something," he said simply. "You are going to do whatever the hell I tell you. Or else you are going to find yourself raped, tortured into madness and dead. You are going to _hate _me, and you are going to _love _hating me."

He slapped me again. "Go get a woman. I'll show you how to snap her neck."

My eyes widened and I scampered up quickly, worried what he would do if I disobeyed. I felt myself stumbled forwards into the open street and looking around blindly.

_Snap her neck?_

"_Do it._" A voice hissed behind me. In a quick panic I grabbed the nearest person – who so happened to be a woman – and shoved her into the alley. Morgan had a Silencing Charm on her in a matter of moments before shoving her into the wall. I tottered into the narrow alleyway without removing my eyes from Morgan, terrified, _terrified. _

Why had I done that? Why had I grabbed her?

Morgan peered at me, smiling pleasantly, to be sure I was watching. The woman in his grip was screaming, soundlessly. Morgan put his wand away, pushed one of the woman's shoulders against the wall, put a hand over her face, and snapped her head sharply to the left to bring for a sickening _crack. _

I sunk onto the ground. My stomach twisted. I doubled over and retched across the cement. Morgan's laughter rang in my ears as he tossed a Muggle shirt my way. I flung it away from me quickly.

"Oh," Morgan goaded. "After all that, you're going to refuse to wear it? She died for nothing, then, now didn't she?"

_Bastard._

I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and shuddered, slowly moving towards the pale blue blouse. He threw a pair of pants at me, and waited.

I stared at him. He stared back, still smiling pleasantly. I feared even going near him, but he made no move to turn around and I hadn't the will to tell him to do so. After a slow second, I turned around and removed my cloak, slowly. Once my sweater was gone I put on the blouse as quickly as possible. It was too big and fell against my thighs, which gave me relief as I removed my shirt and pulled on the pants just as quickly as the blouse.

"Auntie is right. You _do _need a backbone."

No response earned me a swift kick to the back of my leg.

"Shut up!" I yelped instantly as I whipped around, already losing balance. I clutched his shirt quickly to keep my balance, then realized what I'd said and froze.

He grabbed my wrist and smirked viciously. "Temper, temper," he hissed sweetly. "You're in my hands, now."

Somewhere in my mind, I knew I would not be able to meet Sirius on Christmas Day.

If I was still alive by then.

* * *


	12. Once in a Full Moon

YO. so sorry for the delay. I did a bit of a time skip, basically b/c I didn't want to focus on an OC's personal story with no contact with any of the actual characters...if that makes any sense. Anywho, here you go.

**

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Once in a Full Moon

One day I ended up jutting out Morgan's stolen wand for the Knight Bus, getting on, and demanding to go to Hogsmeade. I must've looked like quite the idiot to the chauffer, dressed in muddied, torn, over-sized Muggle-clothing and most likely dirty. But I sat down as quickly as I could and snapped at the driver to do what he was paid to do because hell if I was going to wait for Morgan to find me again, bloody bastard.

I didn't know how long I had been with Morgan – running away from Morgan, usually – but I knew it was definitely over the designated Christmas Break. In a brief epiphany early this morning I had realized Hogwarts was my best bet. _Dumbledore _was there. What the hell could Morgan do with _Dumbledore _around?

_Bloody bastard. _

The Knight Bus burst into motion. I planted my feet firmly on the floor and glared out the window, back sore. I could feel people staring at me and clenched the wand tightly in my left hand. I thought I'd be able to relax now that I'd gotten away for the time being. But I hated sitting here with other wizards, looking at me. Whispering.

Like they knew all about what I'd done.

Bullshit! Bull_shit _– the Knight Bus skid to a halt and let off three hobbling elderly witches. I shut my eyes tightly and grasped the table as a wave of nausea came and passed. I hate this bus. I hate trying to Apparate, like Morgan forced me to do. I'd rather walk or something.

The Knight Bus lurched again into motion. I waited for a moment of steady driving to breathe again, and try to calm down. I ran a hand through my hair. I knew it was dirty by how thick and coarse it felt, and the pieces I bothered to draw before my own gaze. It was up, with an elastic I'd gotten off some lady.

The bus lurched again. I was tapped on the shoulder. "Hogsmeade, miss."

I stood up – too quickly – and almost fell down the stairs. I tossed some spare coins I had managed to snatch off Morgan while he was unconscious and stepped off the buss into the main street of Hogsmeade.

That particular memory – of knocking him out, of seeing him vulnerable, caused a smirk to persist across my face. I should have killed him, I should have. But for some reason I swore that was what he was trying to make me do and hell if I was going to do what he wanted anymore. The thought made me feel empowered, giving me the desire to push against more rules, to see what it felt like to live outside invisible, flimsy little boundaries.

Rules were just words. The only important part was the consequences, and that would be a new challenge to avoid. Besides, if I get caught doing something at _Hogwarts, _what are they going to make me do, write lines?

I ran into someone and paused to walk around him or her before continuing. It was then I took notice of all the feet around me, walking, the chatter in the air…

I glanced around. Students.

There weren't many of them, it seemed the day was wrapping up, but still I found it more or less ironic that I would reach Hogsmeade on the _one _day when there is a Hogsmeade trip. I walked towards Hogwarts with the knowledge its gates would be open for students to get in, and at best, I could sneak in and go to sleep in my room without Dumbledore ever knowing.

I rubbed my eyes, shuddering slightly as I walked past the gates. I was very hungry. It was more or less overweighing my need for sleep though it was a close second. I was walking across the main foyer, deciding to at least have a good bath before I figured out what time it was and how long it would be until dinner.

I realized, after a second, that people were staring at me and again thought that I wasn't wearing a uniform. But I had Morgan's wand, and so I transfigured my clothes on spot.

"_Ivy?_" a voice cried incredulously. I looked around, rubbing my eye, and realized Regulus was staring at me from the doorway leading down into the dungeons. He walked over to me and took my head in his hands. "Look at you," he said at an attempt to be disproving. "You're filthy dirty – where have you been?" he gave me a hug and I remained still. "How did you get here like this?"

"I shattered a bottle over Morgan's head," I answered dully, "And took his wand for the Knight Bus."

Regulus had let go of me by this time. I glanced towards the staircase. "No thanks to you," I added. "When is dinner?"

My brother was frowning slightly. "…ten minutes," he answered slowly, confusedly.

"Brilliant." I walked around him and towards the Great Hall. Ten minutes to sleep. _Beautiful…beautiful sleep. _And then food! Two stones with one…or one stone with two…two…two birds with…one stone?

Yes – two birds with one stone.

I was making my way towards the doors when I stopped. For some reason, I felt inclined to go look for Sirius. After all, he deserved an apology for Christmas. I went up the stairs. Gryffindor Tower's location was well known but the longer I walked and walked the more lightheaded I started to feel.

Finally, I reached the Gryffindor Tower and looked up at the picture of the Fat Lady.

"Password?" she asked.

Instead of giving one, I knocked on the frame. It swung open a moment later to reveal a first-year.

"Sirius Black," I told him. He skittered back into the dormitory quickly. He came back out a few minutes later, meek.

"Um," he stuttered. "Um…Sirius isn't, um, here right now."

Like I trusted him. I put a hand in the doorway, stuck my head in, and took a breath.

"SIRIUS BLACK!"

After a moment without any answer, I backed up and let the picture swung shut.

"That was hardly necessary," the Fat Lady sniffed.

I walked back downstairs, uninterested in conversation. By the time I got back to the Great Hall, it was steadily filling. But one glance told me none of the Marauders were present.

Interesting.

I walked down to a seat away from the place where Severus, Lucius and I used to sit, but the moment I sat down the people across and beside me got up and in their place was Regulus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Severus.

This was different…especially from Lucius and Narcissa…

"What are you doing?" I asked, spooning some potatoes onto my plate. They weren't about to make my appetite go away.

"Regulus is a poor source of information," Severus told me. "What have you been doing for the past week?"

Oh Merlin, _steak. _"Nothing," I said.

"That's so surprising," Lucius murmured.

"Sod off, Malfoy."

Lucius went silent. Regulus was looking at me funny.

"You were with Morgan King, weren't you?" a hushed voice inquired.

I stabbed my knife into a fruit plate that was a little too close to Narcissa. I don't want to hear that name _ever ever ever _ever –

Regulus went stiff. "Morgan?" he repeated, confused. "_Cousin _Morgan?"

I didn't know any other "Morgan"s. So yes. _Cousin Morgan. _

Shit, I thought his name again.

"Father told _Morgan _to fix you?" Regulus' pitch went slightly higher and he stared at me, looking horrified.

Apparently I'm a broken teakettle now, or something. _Fix me. _Merlin.

"Morgan's on good terms with the Dark Lord," Severus murmured. "He and Rosier. They were responsible for that Yorkshire Massacre last month."

"Trying to slither his way up to be the Dark Lord's best man," Lucius scoffed gently, slicing a piece of steak. "Pointless. Rosier has him at every turn, and if he doesn't then Marks does."

I'd never heard of a Marks, but from what Lucius had just said I suppose I'm lucky to be that way. A thought bounced across my fuzzy memory. "He's transferred to Hogwarts." The thought of this made me stop eating suddenly. I set my fork back down.

"I don't see him," Narcissa mentioned, eyes flickered down the Slytherin Table. She wouldn't either, not tonight.

"Ivy smashed a bottle over his head."

A silence fell after Regulus' words but I didn't feel guilty in the least. In fact, a small bout of satisfaction rose in my throat and I wondered if that was wrong of me. I swung my feet and, suddenly regaining my appetite, took a drink of Pumpkin Juice.

"Liar."

I looked at Lucius, across from me and staring at me with those hollow gray eyes of his. Obviously he had gotten no better.

Well, I wasn't going to put up with it anymore.

I got up and walked around the table, raised Morgan's wand – which had never once left my tight grip since I'd gotten the thing – and pressed it against the back of his neck. The length of my cloak's sleeve slipped over the wood, blocking it out of sight from any teachers.

"I'd like a word, Lucius."

Narcissa looked about to snap something but Lucius stood up, glaring at me out of the corner of his eye, and I let the tip on my wand trace to sit on the midpoint of his spine.

"Ivarius-,"

I pushed Lucius slightly and he started walking down the line and through the doors of the Great Hall.

"You're bluffing," he muttered to me as our jaunt brought us to the less populated foyer. I personally don't care whether or not he thinks I'm bluffing because he's outside and now we're going to talk.

I let my wand drop and stepped in front of him. Noticing for once the abnormal height difference. Either I was short, or he was tall.

"You need to bloody grow up, Lucius. This is ridiculous."

"The mouse has a tongue, has she?" Lucius droned. "I'm sure I know nothing of whatever it is you're ranting about."

"I know your parents are dead," I said, and felt slightly bad for continuing, "And I know-,"

"You don't know anything." The remark was biting, suddenly hostile. Lucius' eyes glinted angrily.

But Morgan was scarier.

"Shut up," I said wearily. "Stop acting like such a stick. What is your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," he hissed. He was on the defensive, which obviously meant he was lying. "But you might – touched in the head-,"

"Stop hating me in place of your parents!" His continuous remarks against me were grating on my nerves. "They're dead! It's not their fault or your fault and you're bloody delirious if you think it has anything to do with me. You can't be an adult just by acting like a prat day in, day out, and Narcissa's no help-,"

"Don't you speak that way about her," he growled.

"-It's all going in one ear, out the other, isn't it? Bloody hell, Lucius, and here I thought you were a Slytherin but you seem to lack the brains for this House-,"

"Why don't you go back to wherever you came from and get off my case, _mouse_?" he snapped.

"I'm not going _anywhere_-,"

"Fine, you stupid bitch-,"

"Bloody prat-,"

"Mad shrew-,"

"Patronizing git!"

And then we stormed away from each other with a last sharp glare. I, facing away from the Great Hall, marched irritably towards the dungeons. But as I got farther and farther from the place of our argument, I began to pause.

After a minute, I felt lighter. I smirked slightly and changed course towards the front doors.

If I had seen Lucius' face as he stormed back into the Great Hall, I think he would have been smirking, too.

* * *

Outside it was getting dark, but it was even dark on the side of the pond shrouded in forest. I sat on a large rock near the water's edge, letting the Giant Squid bat around my foot like a play toy, and cast suspicious glanced towards the Forbidden Forest every minute or so. I was very paranoid for some reason, still thinking – ridiculous though it might be – that Morgan would come popping out of there at any second and hex me. Which was impossible, to say the least – I had no idea how big the forest was but I knew you couldn't get to it from outside Hogwarts' walls, and Morgan would _have _to come in through the front gates by Dumbledore's word if he was to come in at all.

That is, if he ever woke up.

I lied back on the rock and stared at the moon, which was giving off a good amount of light tonight. Merlin I was tired. But I couldn't close my eyes, and I didn't want to go inside. Not yet. It felt as though I was missing something, and I needed to figure out what that was if I wanted to stay sane.

Still I must admit I felt much better after arguing with Lucius. Nothing was resolved with words, really, but – for some reason it seems that Lucius 'lowering himself' to argue with me is a hint at his wordless acceptance of my presence, and fine, he probably wasn't going to take my advice when it came to Narcissa but maybe his attitude would change even a _little _– at least between Regulus, Severus and I.

And so maybe I could stand arguing with him, if it meant he was acknowledging me, and maybe letting the façade slip a little to enjoy berating me.

What twisted logic.

I felt a slight tug on my foot and when I looked down, the Giant Squid had taken off my shoe.

"Hey-,"

He spit it out and sent it flying into the Forbidden Forest.

Brilliant. What is this, a sign? I got up irritably and hopped awkwardly towards the woods, raising Morgan's wand.

"_Lumos._"

Of course, Morgan's wand hates me, more or less, and the light it cast was feeble to nonexistent. I sighed, staring at the snowy ground for a sign of my black shoe. It was, in truth, not so difficult to find because its contrast against the white. I hopped towards it, careful not to get my sock wet, and leant against a tree trunk as I picked it up. After reluctantly stuffing Morgan's wand in my robes I slid on the shoe, then planted my foot on the nearest trunk to tie it up.

Of course, this would have worked, if I was any good at keeping my balance.

…I fell backwards on my rump.

It startled me to suddenly be covered in snow, but I was even more started when I felt something soft brush my back. Quickly I whipped around, thinking perhaps I had gotten on the wrong side of a rabid squirrel, but instead there was nothing.

I took in this fact, and decided I should stop being so jumpy because it would do no good for my heart in the long run.

Despite how cold the forest floor was I decided to take the opportunity and safely tie my shoe. It suddenly occurred to me, as I paused after standing and took in the full moon shining above me through the empty tree branches, how strangely…silent the forest was.

As though it was holding its breath for something.

A heavy _thing _slammed into me suddenly and I was knocked to one side, staring at a huge, _huge _stag with great bloody antlers. What the hell, aren't deer supposed to be nice and friendly?! And eat things out of your –

_Then _that big black dog, the one that came and visited me sometimes, landed in the clearing as though he had been thrown through the air. I watched it writhe violently before standing on all four paws and run towards me.

Here I am, utterly confused. I sort of blinked at the big dog, faintly wondering if it was going to eat me before something hot brushed softly against the bare side of my neck, and the next moment I was choking on snow, slammed into the ground with a heavy, sharp weight on my back. It disappeared just as quickly – there was a bark and a yelp, the sound of galloping hooves and a sharp, but piercing howl. I pushed myself out of the freezing snow and whipped around only to have the stag running at me with its antlers down. This was far more startling and spurred me into running as quickly as I could in the opposite direction. It was so dark without the light of my wand – which I had dropped at some point – that I kept narrowly missing trees as I went and my back throbbed. I swear I could feel something cold trickling down my spine and feared it might be blood. I ran and ran blindly through the forest but the longer I went, the closer I felt something advancing on me, growling, branches snapping, snarling –

My mind told me to drop, and I did. Something huge hurtled over me.

"IVARIUS!"

The call echoed through the woods. I froze. Regulus…

The snarling came at me again and I bolted in the direction of Regulus' voice. I veered through the trees, trying to see my way, panicking as the Thing advanced, drawing closer. Out of nowhere came a sheer cliff wall. Too late to turn away, I only whipped my head to one side to avoid breaking my nose. The collision was hard, but only made worse by the sharp brunt of weight that slammed into me next. My head slammed into the rocks and all I heard after that was a scream mingled with the vicious scraping of claws.

* * *

A sharp jolt passed through my temples, arousing pain and pouring a tumult of incoherent voice into my head all at once. There were yells, screams, growls, incantations…the sounds of hexes whizzing through the air. I moaned, only drawn into a pool of pain as the voices rang through my head, jarring. I was so cold. My body hurt all over. My head was throbbing and heavy. I raised a wet hand but could hardly move it and had to drag it along what I realized was snow to touch my own aching forehead.

"I'll send you to fucking hell, Potter!"

The volume of the statement made me squint through the darkness at blobs standing only feet away. Two – three boys were being restrained by taller blobs, two on one side and one facing the both of them, and another smaller blob was fidgeting at the side. One of the blobs struggled against his restrainer and moonlight bounced off his glasses.

_Potter?_

Suddenly my chest constricted. I coughed and blood splattered against the pure white snowflakes surrounding me. I shifted, trying to move my body away from the mess but instead bumping gently into something soft behind me, which made a small noise in return. With effort I turned onto my back and pain exploded up my shoulders. I hissed loudly, grimacing as I peered through the fog that seemed to distort my vision at a bloody man with black hair, eyes shut firmly, breathing tight.

I stared at him. "Sirius…?"

His teeth were tightly clenched against what pain he must be feeling; all along his collarbone and left shoulder his robes were slashed and blood had long stained a wide circle of snow around him. My eyes widened. Shaking when he didn't answer, I reached out with shaking, sticky red fingers and touched his arm that was not bleeding. "Sirius…?" I could hardly hear my own voice.

His expression was warped into a deep, pained grimace, but through his teeth he growled out words in a slow tone.

"Don't fucking touch me, Ivy."

The words were clear and dripping in a solid hostility despite his current state and I felt myself shrink back as they swam through my head, throbbing in sync with my own heartbeat.

He opened his eyes and gave me the most angered glare I had ever seen from him.

"Just get out of my life."

I can't remember anything after that, so I must have blacked out.

* * *

"Ivy, _wake up! _Come on, class starts in fifteen minutes!"

I groaned. Why can't Amber just leave me alone? I was tired, dammit. I heard her huff irritably and cracked an eye open only to see the door slam shut behind her. I moved to sit up and fell out of bed instead. What was she so worked up about, anyways? Fifteen minutes was plenty of time.

I got up and felt desperately stiff for some reason. My chest, collar, head, back, shoulders, and legs hurt. Kind of tingled, even. I frowned, slowly pulling off my pajamas and buttoning up my blouse. What the hell could that be from? I just came back last night and went out for a walk and found myself…in the…Forbidden Forest…

…oh.

Yes – what _had _that thing been last night? I was running from it – and I think I must've hit my head because I was knocked out – then I woke up, and Sirius –

_Sirius. _

Merlin, he'd been bleeding. Whatever that thing had been had hurt him! What if he was – or he –

"Ivarius, hurry up!" yelled an irritable voice.

I jumped, startled out of my thoughts, grabbed my tie off the bedpost and hurried downstairs. How had I ended up in my bedroom, anyways? I went downstairs, trying to do my tie at the same time, and found Regulus glaring at me from the foot of the steps.

Yes – he had been there too. Maybe he knew something. "Regulus-,"

"Let's go."

I stopped with my mouth slightly open. "No," I said indignantly.

Oblivious me hadn't noticed just how Regulus looked at the moment. He was standing at his full height, black hair in disarray, dark blue eyes sizzling with barely contained agitation. After I spoke his glare narrowed, fists clenched tightly at his side.

"I think you misheard me," he hissed slowly. "_Let's go._"

I swallowed. "Misheard you. Right," I stuttered nervously. "My mistake…er, let's go then."

Regulus eyed me for a second, then turned on his heel and marched out of the dormitory. I followed in a sort of terrified daze, wondering what could have got him so riled up. Sirius was the first thing that came to mind, but he must be in the Hospital Wing – I twisted my fingers nervously. I wanted to go make sure he was all right. But how could I was Reg in the mood that he was?

We continued at the hall, Regulus growling at anyone who crossed his path and me scurrying behind him as a first year started crying and other people hurriedly turned away.

This was nonsense. "_Regulus-_,"

"What?" he barked, not even turning his head.

"Where are we going?"

"To class."

Yes, well. This is progressing nicely. Ahead of us, Peter Pettigrew rounded a corner and stopped dead when he saw us. In a millisecond he'd wheeled around, but not fast enough to stop Regulus from raising his wand.

"_Incendi-,_"

"Regulus!" Calling his name for the third time this morning, I wrenched Reg's wand hand back down to his side only to have him wheel on me and sort-of-accidentally-on-purpose push me into the wall, for intimidation purposes.

"_What, _Ivy? What the hell do you want?" he demanded loudly, angrily. "Why the hell are you always such a thorn in my side, for Merlin's sake?"

This is me, no longer falling for the intimidation tactic. "Shut up! What the hell's your problem?"

Well, if you could have seen the expression on Regulus' face when I said that. It disappeared quickly, though, to be replaced with menace.

"Did you just talk back to me?" he growled.

He was nowhere near as scary as Morgan, or Sirius. "Yes," I said to point out the obvious. "This is about last night, isn't it?"

A thunderous scowl passed over his face and Regulus jerked back like I'd burned him. But then his hand came up and grabbed my jaw tightly.

"I don't _ever_," he said with such vehemence I felt an edge of fear. "Want to see you like that again, or so help me…" he trailed off, his tone threatening, before he huffed sharply and let me go. I watched him disappear around the corner in a swish of robes.

Probably off to take out his frustrations by throwing some girl in a broom closet and snogging her senseless. PRAT.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING _WRONG! _

I stormed in the opposite direction, towards the infirmary. I had to check on Sirius, even if he did hate me. Which he did, apparently, according to his words last night. But its not like _I _care what he thinks, for Merlin's sake. I'm a Death Eater, damn it, and I get what I want whether other people agree with me or not.

That meant, so help me, Sirius was going to _sit there _and _listen _when I apologizing for missing our Christmas 'appointment'.

The doors of the Hospital Wing were closed. I hesitantly pushed one open and peered through the crack for any sign of Madame Pomfrey, but the walkway between the beds was empty and her office door was closed. I pushed the door open further and looked around the room filled with nothing but stifling silence. Two beds at the opposite end of the long wing were occupied, I noticed. Carefully closing the door behind me, I wandered through the aisle to the back of the room and stood in front of them, frowning.

Sirius was in one. Remus was in the other.

Both of them were asleep.

I looked from one to the other. Sirius looked half-healed. There were bandages on his shoulder blade and some syrupy-looking concoction across his neck and collarbone. Remus was bruised and battered, but his breathing was much less forced than his fellow Marauder's.

Without really paying attention I wandered over to Remus' bedside, perhaps because I was so surprised to see him in here. I hadn't seen him last night. Now that I was up close, I could study him better. His jaw was bruised and torn. One of his eyes had a large cut residing dangerously close to it. There were large, angry red welts on his throat and blood matted his usually clean brown hair. Every few minutes, his body would quiver gently as though he was cold. But his skin didn't feel cold at all.

Wait.

I suddenly realized the backs of my fingers were sitting against his forehead. When had that happened? I pulled away quickly and took a good step back, eyeing him suspiciously.

He breathed a sigh through his nose. But Remus didn't wake up.

Oh thank Merlin.

I don't think I've been so mortified in my entire life. What was I _doing? _I barely knew the man and yet my hand just sort of – _went there _of its own accord –

Stupid hand.

I decided just to brush the entire ordeal off. Its not like he was _awake _and it wasn't as though I'd punched him, or – or felt him up or something –

Oh Merlin, I didn't just think that.

I promptly turned my back on the Gryffindor and stalked over to Sirius bed before sitting on the covers, next to his ankles, and glowering at him. Leave it to me to take out my frustrations on my unconscious brother, who hates me now by the way.

Which I can understand. But I figured I owed him an apology in any case. It would ease my conscience.

Have I mentioned that my conscience has all but died? Well, yes, it has. I could spit in someone's soup while they weren't looking and not feel bad. But when almighty _Sirius _finally snaps and tells me to get out of his life it just has to come back _full force, _doesn't it?

I took my shoes off and pulled up my legs, which had previously been hanging off the edge of the mattress, to cross them on Sirius' bed. Then I set my elbow on my knee and my chin in my hand, and studied him.

I just had thoughts about feeling up his best friend.

NO! NO NO! I'M NOT GOING TO THINK ABOUT THAT!

I slapped my temples with the heels of my hands repeatedly, trying to erase bad thoughts from my head. Since when did I think like this? I AM A GOOD GIRL.

…except for the whole Death Eater thing. And leaving that bastard in an alley somewhere around the slums of London.

All right, so maybe I wasn't a good girl – but I wasn't a bad girl in – in _that context_ –

I shuddered violently and made a face.

"MISS BLACK!"

My hand was halfway to my wand before it finally clicked that it was just Madame Pomfrey descending upon me like a screeching hawk on a poor, innocent mouse.

"It's about _time _you came down here, honestly, I have _no _idea what's in Albus' head at times – letting a student out still injured! The very idea! Why I have half a mind to walk down there right now and -,"

"I can't stay long," I said. Regulus might start looking for me.

"Tell me, does this hurt?"

She slammed her hand into my back. I doubled over, coughing. That woman had the strength of a bull. And now my back was _throbbing, _burning, whereas before I hadn't even noticed I'd been injured there.

Thanks, Madame Pomfrey. _Thank you. _

"Hah," the matron said happily. I'm beginning to think she's a sadist. "I knew it. You stick right there and I'll be back in a minute."

"You do that," I hissed in pain, trying not to curse her. How I desperately wanted to curse her. But she was already scuttling away, back towards her office.

I got a vicious satisfaction from sticking my tongue out at her back.

A small, stifled chuckle carried over to me. I glanced sideways to find weary, but oh-so-slightly amused brown eyes studying me.

"Hi," I said blankly.

"Mm," he answered, and the amusement disappeared. I got up from my place – Sirius was dead to the world anyways – and walked over to his bed again. Making sure I knew where my hands were at all times.

"How do you feel?" I asked after a minute.

He looked away from me and down at his bruised hands, which were folded neatly on his lap. "Alright."

I swear he looked like a kicked puppy. The remorseful way his head tilted as he sadly observed his own two delicately placed hands was heartbreaking. If there was snow falling on him and he really was a puppy I swear I would have already taken him in –

Am I comparing Remus to a _kicked puppy? _

I shook my head slightly. Prioritize, Ivy. Something was wrong with Remus, he was upset over _something, _and for the life of me I had no idea. "Are you hurt badly?" I asked, for lack of anything better to say.

He did not raise his eyes to mine. "No."

I frowned. "I didn't see you outside last night," he stiffened considerably. "Did you see that…whatever it was…" I looked over at Sirius again. Whatever it was, I was never going into the Forbidden Forest again. I certainly did not want to end up like my eldest sibling.

Remus cleared his throat awkwardly. I glanced back at him and blinked as I found him now looking right at me. Sad. Worried. Apologetic.

Apologetic?

"Did you see it?" he turned the question towards me.

I thought back, studying the contents of his night table as I did so. My eyes lingered on a bowl of water in which a pink rag was submersed. "No."

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"That creature," he was back to staring at the blankets. "It was…a monster. It should have never been there."

"Hm." I watched Madame Pomfrey's door open. "I don't see how that could possibly be your fault. And a monster doesn't really have any idea where it is, does it? It's just hungry, or some such thing. If anyone was in the wrong place at the wrong time, it was you and me and Sirius."

Remus did not reply as Madame Pomfrey descended upon us. In her hand, she was holding a jar filled with that sticky concoction pasted all over Sirius' neck.

"Come with me, Miss Black."

It was not as though I had a choice. She grabbed me by the wrist and _dragged _me across the room to a bed parallel Remus' and pulled the curtain shut around us. The look she gave me was stern. "Blouse off, Miss Black. Chop chop."

I was mortified. I did not _want _to take my shirt off, and _this _was why I never went to see doctors. But I knew it was necessary and I didn't want to act childish, thus I removed my cloak and pulled off my tie before unbuttoning my blouse and placing it aside. I knew my face was red and my embarrassment was obvious, but Madame Pomfrey was all business. She unscrewed the jar then turned me around and smoothed the surprisingly cool, soothing salve across my shoulder blades especially, and a few places a little further down my spine. Then she turned me back to face her and told my to rub the salve over my chest – it was only then I noticed the angry welts on my skin much like those Remus sported. I did so quickly, and Madame Pomfrey then left me to get my clothes back on.

I was struggling with my tie, as usual, when I came out. Another glance at Sirius told me he was still dead to the world. I supposed I wouldn't be apologizing today.

"Come back after classes," Madame Pomfrey told me. "I'll need to re-apply the lotion at that time."

I watched her leave again before looking at Remus. "I haven't seen you for a while," he said quietly.

"I was at home," I said instantly. "I was sick."

I knew he didn't believe me even though his eyes were not judgmental. Worried, maybe. I felt touched that someone was worried about me.

"I could do that for you," he said softly, eyeing my green Slytherin tie.

He was actually offering! As in, pulling himself out of his misery enough to do something for me! I conceded without question, walked to the head of his bed, and bent down obediently when I was softly asked to.

His hands, pale and gentle, were painstakingly careful with the silk fabric, as through he was terrified it might fall to pieces in his grasp. I had to bend lower, not wanting to force him to sit up. He was breathing against my neck now. I could feel every exhale, and counted the seconds between each one, trying not to notice how the soft stream of air pushed across my throat and down my chest…

I realized, with panic, that my blouse did not cover me like I had once thought it did. But Remus' eyes were trained politely on his own hands as though almost hypnotized by his own task. His eyes were very close now. I could see specks of green in them. They were absent, weary, and something else. Something strange, and dark was filling them, like an ulterior state of mind was mingling with his regular emotions.

It was then I realized he was long finished with my tie. Instead, his thumb stroked over it slowly. Up, then down, across the smooth strip of forest green so proudly representing my house. He did not even seem to notice that if he looked down, he might see under my shirt. But I did not think Remus was that sort of man.

I don't think, by the occupied expression on his face, that he realized he was gradually pulling on my tie and thus, tugging me slowly closer to him. If I was in any less of a stupor I might have said something, but I could still feel his exhale against my skin and when he tugged me closer to him, I was long gone. I didn't care that my breathing had sped up, or that his hand had drifted from my tie to stray oh-so-gently down my blouse.

But then his breath hitched, the darkness in his eye disappeared, and his hand jumped away. "I'm sorry," he choked almost instantly.

"That's okay," was my stupefied reply. I stepped back slowly and blinked a few times. "Well. I have-,"

"Classes," Remus offered awkwardly.

"Yes. Classes," I was just as uncomfortable.

"I'll see you in a while then?" he wondered in a strained voice.

"Er," I replied intelligently. "Yes, tonight. Until then."

"Goodbye."

I retreated from the hospital ward, shut the door behind me, and stare in shock at the window.

A man three years older than me just – just touched me.

Okay, not _touched _me – it wasn't as though the blouse was tight or anything, it was good and loose, but – but that had been, nonetheless, very intimate, and – and the strange thing was that I was reacting in a way I certainly should not have. I should have told him from the get-go to stop, to let me go, to lean back. But I hadn't. And I hadn't wanted to. This is what scared me the most.

I had _liked_ it.

* * *

think of the end bit as Remus' werewolf mindframe still fighting with his human side. Anywho, as always, R and R. 


	13. In Which Ivy Officially Freaks Out

Hey, look at that! I actually updated at a decent time!

Don't own Harry Potter.

**

* * *

**

**In Which Ivy Officially Freaks Out (Many Times)**

Oh dear Merlin.

I can't believe this. There is no possible way this can be happening.

_I am so going to end up living alone in some box._

I look around at the people sitting at their desks, silent, stressed, bent over their scrolls in concentration. I slump in my seat, jaw turning furiously.

OWLs.

I stared down at the scroll of my written Advanced Transfiguration exam and stifled a groan. WHY? WHY NOW?

Glaring at the offending parchment, I started on my fifth question with nothing short of ire. I knew I would pass. I kept up with my studies, but I wanted to excel! I wanted spectacular marks, not passing ones!

I let out a breath, setting one elbow on the desk as I blew my ink dry, carefully, much in the way Remus' breath had –

…

Damn it. _Focus. _Focus – on – the question. Be strong! _Read _the question.

'_Explain in detail the anatomical complications in transfiguring the human body.'_

Er.

I know that. I so know that. I should easily be able to answer this question! I love anatomy! The human body is fascinating!

…Very fascinating…

Oh dear Merlin.

I think every single student occupying the Great Hall jumped when my head hit the desk with a sharp 'thump'. By back _hurt. _I want to go to sleep. So, so badly.

Someone tapped his or her desk to my left, pointedly. I glanced in that direction out of reflex, only to see that boy – West Snively, the one from the library. His thin mouth stretched into a brief smile before he looked back down at his paper.

Wait. This is West Snively. West 'has-an-unimaginable-womanizing-reputation-beaten-only-by-my-two-git-brothers' Snively. _Perfect prefect _Snively. He's practically _shagged _every female in the entire Slytherin house, just to say that he _has. _

But he's never looked at me before. Not with Regulus around.

Has Snively, perhaps, put his "school record" before his common sense?

Wait – _does this mean he wants to _–

Oh…Merlin.

_HOW DOES ANYONE EXPECT ME TO BE DOING EXAMS NOW?!

* * *

_

Knock. Knock.

Silence.

_Knock. Knock. _

"Ivarius. I know you're-,"

"Read the _sign, _Severus."

"'Do Not Disturb on Pain of Death. Especially you, Severus.'"

"So?"

"So what?"

"Why are you still _disturbing?_"

A scoff. "I will take my _chances._"

I glare venomously as the door to Moaning Myrtle's lavatories. Myrtle had…ah…_evacuated _the premises after a number of rather detailed threats. After finishing my exam, nearly pulling my hair out, avoiding anyone I knew like the _plague, _especially Slytherin prefects, angry brothers and the possibility of Morgan showing up at any given moment, I was not in the most jolly of moods.

Pulling my knees to my chest, I frowned as Severus walked in like he owned the place. My fingers curled around the large book resting on my legs. "I'm trying to study."

"You keep disappearing. We want to talk."

"We?"

"I want to talk."

This was not boding well for me. I flipped to page twelve on the subject of Love Potions and pretended to read it, though I certainly couldn't now that Serious Severus was here. "About what?"

"I've prepared a list," Severus said silkily. "Lets start at number one."

"I have to study."

"You don't have to study."

"Stop that."

"Admit that you knew every answer to the last exam," he said plaintively. I hate him. Stubbornly, I stared straight at the book. With now answer forthcoming, Severus looked smug in his victory as he continued. "Number one. Last night."

"Oh." I shuffled through a couple more pages, for something to do.

Severus was eyeing me in a strange way. "Do you know what attacked you?"

My back throbbed uncomfortably. "No."

His stare was unsettling. "Regulus went into hysterics when we found you."

This surprised me. "You didn't take a picture?"

"Ivarius." I flinched at his cold tone and knew he was being serious. "He thought you were dead. Someone had dumped you and _Black_-," he spat the name like a curse "-together and between the two of you there was enough blood to stain the lake. You weren't moving, you were hardly breathing. Regulus did not take it well."

His words led me to believe he was pinning this on me. "Are you blaming me?" I asked dully.

"After you have been warned about being on the grounds after nightfall, yes." Severus' eyes narrowed dangerously.

I sighed.

"Number two." Severus continued without a hitch. "You're going to find Regulus right now and apologize."

I hissed. "I have to study!"

"You don't have to study," he repeated.

"Yes, I – _damn you_-,"

"He put Pettigrew's robes on fire and destroyed five broom closets. He's in detention for the next _two months._ I can't talk to him, he's bleeding mad."

"He'll get over it."

"Ivarius-,"

"He'll get _over _it." I touched my forehead and grimaced at the movement. The jelly was making my shirt sticky and it did not feel nice when I moved around. "Regulus is nearly out of Hogwarts. He's an adult. If I apologize, it won't suddenly cool him off. He's got to express himself."

Severus gave me a flat look. "If he expresses himself anymore he'll turn into some sort of pyromaniac. Just apologize."

I eyed him irritably. "Fine. Git."

My book slammed shut with a snap. I stood up and stomped childishly towards the door.

"What happened with Morgan?" Severus' voice came suddenly.

I blinked. "Why does it matter?" I replied, sagging slightly with the reminder of Morgan's eminent return to my life. "You can ask him, he'd enjoy telling you."

I exited the washrooms, a little more irate now that Morgan was back on my mind. Studying had firmly pushed him to the back of my mind, but now I had to consider – how long would it take before Morgan came to the school? He said he was coming. He _must _be conscious by now. Maybe he had to walk all the way back to his mother's because he had no wand for the Knight Bus.

This thought made me snicker for a few minutes until I remembered that he could Apparate. Damn.

I wondered what he would do when he saw me again. Would he be angry? Or grinning, like usual? Would he try to get revenge on me? Well, I wasn't scared. Not much. He could do what he wanted; I'd just use his own tricks against him and –

"Miss Black."

I stopped and stared up at a familiar (and, alright, it was slightly comforting to see it again) strict face set behind a pair of square spectacles. "Professor McGonagall," I greeted in slight surprise.

She stared at me down her nose for a second, mouth thinned into a fine line, and I briefly wondered if I was in trouble. "Come with me, if you please."

Oh, McGonagall was definitely unhappy about something. She turned on her heel and marched back in the direction she had come. I followed mostly out of curiosity. It was unusual that McGonagall was actually _mad _about anything – irate, yes, _especially _concerning a certain group of Gryffindors who will remain unnamed.

So we traveled up a number of stairs, both inanimate and animate, in a thick silence. I wondered if this was about me missing so much school. I couldn't be sure. But Professor Slughorn would be on my case about that, wouldn't he? Not McGonagall.

Soon, enough, we stopped in front of a particularly large, particularly ugly gargoyle. I knew where we were now. My stomach sunk.

"Butterbeer," McGonagall said. Even something as frothy and delightful as butterbeer managed to sound dramatically traumatizing from her serious lips. With some hesitation, I followed the Gryffindor Head of House onto Dumbledore's rotating stairwell. I was in trouble. I was definitely, surely in trouble for _something. _

But when McGonagall very briskly swung open the door of Dumbledore's Office, it was to the face of a smiling headmaster.

"Good morning, Ivarius. How are you feeling?"

I blinked. "Fine," I replied with some confusion.

Dumbledore's smile softened. "I'm very pleased to hear that. Thank you, Minerva."

McGonagall nodded shortly and went back out the door. She closed it none too gently after her.

Dumbledore steepled his fingers and studied me quietly for a moment as I sat down in the chair parallel to his large desk.

"How are you feeling, Ivarius?" he asked me again. This time his voice was different. I was both confused, and suspicious.

"I'm…fine, headmaster." I said it slower this time, thinking that perhaps he was losing his memory in his old age. I must have had a strange look on my face because Dumbledore chuckled.

"I was referring to your physical state, Miss Black. Madame Pomfrey gave me quite the time when I requested you to be moved to your dormitory, however, I have it from quite a good source that you find yourself very uncomfortable in the Hospital Wing."

Well, that was true. I didn't like sitting in a hospital bed. Visiting others was fine, though.

Wait – what source?

"Ivarius," Dumbledore said again, and I wondered why he repeated my name so often. His smile faded a little as he stared at me. "I have a favour to ask you. But first, I must be positive of where you stand. Why did you become a Death Eater?"

I was surprised. "I had no choice."

"That, I know. But circumstances have changed since then, hm?" he peered over his half-moon glasses at me.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable. "Well-,"

"Considering your extended absence from school," he continued placidly. "I expect certain…steps have been taken towards initiation, correct?"

How does this man know so much about Death Eaters?

"I…yes…"

A faint smile came and went on the elderly man's face. He was quiet for a long time. I couldn't have been more uncomfortable. My back was stiff, and I was so dead nervous. Sure, I was an Occlumens, but Dumbledore was making me feel very anxious.

"Who are your most important people?"

I was shaken from my pit of worry by Dumbledore's soft voice. I stared at him incredulously. "Important people?" I repeated critically.

Dumbledore said nothing. I was struck by the pointlessness of his question. "Regulus," I said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Regulus and Sirius."

The headmaster appeared satisfied. He leant back against his chair. "So you find yourself stuck between either side of the coin, so to speak?"

I think I know what he's saying. Regulus is a Dark Lord supporter, whilst Sirius is definitely not. And I can't make one happy without hurting the other. But I did want to. I wanted to make both of them happy. I told this to the headmaster, and he nodded slightly.

The look in his eye made me worried. Still, his voice was soft. "Your family is a very, very old one, Miss Black. You and your brothers all share the same looks; black hair, dark eyes, yet you three could never be more different. In essence, the three of you resemble the ever-pressing dilemma of all the Wizarding World; the right side, the wrong side, and those who waver between the two."

This entire conversation was very strange. I frowned. "Is there a specific reason you called me here, headmaster?"

Again, Dumbledore was quiet for an extended amount of time. "Miss Black," he began finally, "The favour I wish to ask of you is not something I would request upon normal circumstance. But I'm afraid time is not on our side and I cannot wait for you to reach the proper age. There are some that are skeptical of what I wish to ask you-," the vision of an angry McGonagall surfaced in my head, "-this is very important in my vendetta."

I was now paying close attention. Dumbledore proceeded with some hesitance.

"You might have heard of the Order of the Phoenix."

Anyone who worked for the Dark Lord knew about the Order of the Phoenix. Regulus cursed them on a regular basis. I had yet to encounter them but to my knowledge they are something to the likes of Aurors, however, their sole purpose is to bring an end to the Dark Lord.

"We are an organization of talented men and women," Dumbledore continued when I said nothing. "Who strive to restore a semblance of peace in the Wizarding World. I assume you know how we intend to achieve this peace, and so I will cut to the chase, Ivarius. I know that you are an intelligent young lady, just as I know that you did not want to be a Death Eater. Furthermore, you are an excellent Occlumens. The Order works to put and end to Voldemort, but to do this we must know his thoughts, his plans, his goals. However, even with my knowledge of Lord Voldemort, I cannot always predict his moves. Thus it is imperative that there is a legitimate source of information within his Inner Circle that can give us this key information whilst keeping Voldemort in the dark at all times. I am asking you to be this source of information."

I stared at him.

"You want me to be your spy?"

It took a moment for Dumbledore to nod in reply.

Well. A spy. A spy for Dumbledore? I didn't even know he was with the Order. I certainly didn't know he was the _head _of the Order. And he's asking me to – to go behind the Dark Lord's back and work for him? This is the Dark Lord we're talking about. The most powerful Dark Wizard in over a hundred years. I couldn't _possibly _even entertain the idea of betraying him and –

But then again, he hadn't picked up anything about my current business with Gryffindors. He didn't know that I spoke to my brother. No one knew. Could it be possible?

Why does he have to suggest this in the middle of my OWLs?

"You can, of course, have time to consider your decision," Dumbledore said softly. "I will not deny that this is a dangerous job. Perhaps the riskiest job the Order offers. Please consider it. I do not, however, suggest you mention this to Sirius. I think you understand how strong his opinion can be."

My head cocked to the side. "Er," I stood up slowly. "Yes. Alright."

I nearly tripped over the chair as I left the room and walked out. Back in the hall I started walking in no particular direction, nearly running into an open door on my way to nowhere, until I bumped into someone's chest.

"Watch where you're going," a familiar voice grunted.

I shuddered and rested my forehead against Regulus' arm. He sighed shortly. "You bitch. Get off me."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry."

I'm sorry for not supporting the Dark Lord like I should. I'm sorry for still loving Sirius. I'm sorry I make you worry all the time.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"

Regulus grasped my shoulders. "You're sorry. I get it. What's wrong with you?"

I'm sorry that I'm betraying you.

"Come on. I was just…tired. We'll go to the dorm and I'll help you study."

Because somewhere in the back of my head, I already knew what my answer to Dumbledore's request would be.

"…okay…I love you Regulus."

"You're a dork sometimes, Ivy."

* * *

Five hours later I was sitting on a hospital bed, letting Madame Pomfrey apply her salve to my back again. Regulus was standing outside the curtain, waiting. Remus and Sirius were asleep, and I was thankful for that. I did not want an argument between them right now.

"This is healing nicely," Madame Pomfrey said. "It should be gone by tomorrow."

I wasn't in the mood to reply. My brain had sort of flipped to neutral. Too much to think about. I had a very big headache.

I rubbed my hands together. Madame Pomfrey stopped. "Tell me if it hurts, Miss Black."

I blinked slowly. "No. It doesn't."

I looked down at my fingers and absently traced the skull imprinted on my skin. Was I doing the right thing? My chest was aching. My stomach hurt. And what's worse, Regulus had been acting strangely all afternoon. He was being _civil _with me. He hadn't been flirting with girls in the dormitory, he hadn't been the center of attention, and he sat there in the corner of the room with his eyes trained on the book as he answered my questions.

And surprise. He's really, really smart.

Why's he _wasting _all his intelligence? On helping me study?

All my relatives are crooked in some –

Wait.

I stopped cold, and stared down at the Dark Mark. There was nothing covering it. I turned around quickly and almost jumped off the bed in alarm until Madame Pomfrey grabbed me and forcibly shoved me back into place.

Oh Merlin. On Merlin. She knows. She's going to tell, she'll call the Ministry, and I'll be sent to Azkaban. Practically hyperventilating, I was scared out of my wits when Madame Pomfrey suddenly moved. I watched, frozen, as she reached out and picked up a handful of the bed sheet before silently putting it over the Dark Mark. After that, she continued to rub her cream onto my shoulders.

I was completely perplexed. I stared at her in confusion. Wasn't she supposed to be screaming and raving at me by now. Something was obviously wrong. Was she waiting for something?

"Never mind that, Miss Black. Sit still."

Today was simply too full of surprises. What was she _doing? _Pretending she didn't see? Why?

Moments later she was finished. She exited the privacy of the curtain to let me dress. I followed the click of her heels all the way to her office before the door shut. I took my time getting dressed, so damn confused about which way was up anymore that I felt like just going to bed. Inside. Far, far away from the Forbidden Forest.

The second I was out from behind the curtain, I nearly ran into a small bedside table. Regulus was standing near the foot on an empty hospital bed. I followed him wearily only to realize he was glaring at an older version of himself.

Sirius was awake.

Regulus spoke to me without looking away from Sirius. "You ready?"

"Yes," I replied, gazing between the two warily.

"Good." The younger brother turned towards the exit. The room was deathly silent. I followed him slowly, very suspicious. There was no possible way a meeting between the two could end so smoothly.

Regulus tilted his head slightly as he walked. "Keep your _freak _away from Ivy, blood traitor."

Told you.

Sirius stared at his retreating back. "Too afraid to tell him yourself? Promise he won't bite, Reggie darling."

I'll be damned if I know what they're talking about. Regulus spun around quickly, eyes wide in fury. I put a hand to my forehead tiredly. My eyes wandered to Remus' bed to see a girl sitting next to it, holding his hand while he slept. I recognized her as Remus' girlfriend.

"How dare you," Regulus snarled.

"Regulus," I murmured, unwilling to get in the middle of this.

"How dare I what?" Sirius wanted to know, gray eyes glued on him. His arms were folded across his chest. A small, confident smirk flickered across his lips. "You giving out lectures, now?"

"Stop provoking him," I glared at Sirius. But I am, apparently, transparent, because nobody seemed to realize that I was speaking _at all. _

"It's because you're so damn irresponsible that she almost _died!_" Regulus pointed viciously in my direction. Sirius' grin disappeared.

I did not _almost die. _

It did not escape my attention that the girl sitting next to Remus' bed was watching the argument avidly. Who could blame her? Sirius and Regulus Black, hateful brothers, were arguing with each other – a rare moment in their history of stony silence and brief insults.

Realizing the magnitude of this conversation, I wished I had my actual wand to shut them both up. They weren't some sort of entertainment for this girl to ogle at such a serious moment.

"But what the hell would you care?" Regulus was growling. "You don't give a shit about her, or us – if fact, you probably don't care whether or not she dies, do you?"

Regulus was wrong there.

"Don't you try to tell me what I do and don't care about," Sirius retorted.

"You didn't have to carry her up to the castle, bleeding everywhere-,"

"And where were you?" my eldest's voice was tight. "Where the hell were you last night, Regulus? Don't think I don't know – you were fucking Amber Locklier in the _Astronomy Tower-_,"

"Nothing would have happened to her if that freak wasn't here!" Regulus bellowed.

"You don't have the right to make judgment on Remus," Sirius said in a very low voice, his eyes narrowed. Remus? What did he have to do with anything? I felt dizzy. I felt overwhelmed. I felt sick.

"Stop it," I interjected, stronger than before. I grabbed Regulus' arm. "Now. Stop it."

I knew Regulus didn't want to stop. I backed up slightly so I could see him. "Regulus? Please. Let's go."

After a long moment, Regulus looked at me and finally conceded. He let me steer him out of the Hospital Wing. I glanced back once, but Sirius had already laid back down and turned away from us.

As soon as we were out, Regulus had lost his steam. I closed my eyes briefly against the pain of my headache, then leant up and pecked Regulus' cheek before I went downstairs towards the dormitory.

Things were torrential for Regulus right now. I know he needed the extra affection.

The dungeons were dark, however, and I already felt as though I might fall over. Then I tripped and bounced off the wall a little before continuing on.

I have another exam in one hour.

Oh hell, I don't care anymore. Regulus is upset, I'm betraying him, I got my back ripped up two nights ago by a strange creature, and West Snively asked me if I'd like to sit on his lap last night.

"Tired?" a voice enquired. Speak of the devil.

I glanced up to see Snively walking towards me, from the direction of the dorm. He stopped in front of me and leant against the stone wall, arms folded.

I refused to think he looked cute.

"Slightly," I answered. Despite myself, I rubbed my forehead. Snively smiled a little.

"Too bad. Need some help?"

"No," I said, walking around him. He followed anyways, because men are like that. They are completely immune to my existence.

But I wanted him before he tried anything. "Don't touch me, Snively."

"I would never," West answered as he walked beside me. "Not much."

"You only get one warning."

"That's better than your brother," the boy snorted.

"Please leave me alone."

He smiled. "No," he answered, and touched my hair.

I kicked him and walked into the dorm while he recovered. If he thought I was going to bow down to him because he was trying to _pursue _me, he could go to hell instead. I ran into someone about five feet from the dormitory door. I would have said "sorry" but because of my current mood I said "hell" instead. I made to back up, but the man had grabbed hold of me. I looked up.

"Hi sweetheart," Morgan chirped.

* * *

tbc.


	14. Thicker Than Water

Disclaimer: I'm not even _British. _

_

* * *

_

**Thicker Than Water**

Morgan, with his dark complexion and aristocratic features, looked admittedly normal in the mandatory uniform of the Slytherin house. Silver and green tie. White blouse, black trousers, long overcoat lined with emerald silk. The winding 'S' emblazoned over his chest finished the picture of a well-groomed, upstanding gentleman.

A heartbeat later, I snapped out of my shock.

"Get out," I all but choked, rooted to the spot. I had expected him. But I was still fearful of him.

"Oh, now now, you don't mean that," Morgan's heavy, calloused hands clapped down on my shoulders in a vice grip despite his sweet expression. "Look. Slytherin." He nodded down to himself.

"Staggering," I hissed. _Let go of me. _

Morgan tutted softly. "Ivy, Ivy, Ivy."

Before I knew what was happening, my back was slammed against the brick wall with the force of a freight train; I groaned out loud from the initial contact, but no one was around to take notice of the abuse.

Morgan regarded me flatly. "You didn't kill me. That was your first mistake. Did you think that by coming here I couldn't touch you? Dumbledore has no idea what he's up against. That senile fool will end up as a heap of bones at the Dark Lord's feet." He smirked at me. "What don't you understand, sweetheart? No one can help you. You can't even help yourself. No more hiding behind your brothers or your powerful friends."

I wrenched forth his wand. "_Stupe_-,"

He grabbed my wrist. I twisted around so my back was against his chest and used the momentum to elbow him as hard as possible in the stomach. To hell with magic, I am getting away from this man if it kills me.

"You want to win?" Morgan jeered, snaking an arm around my waist to stop me from getting away. "Fight to kill."

Pinned against his shoulder, I took his wand and jabbed it hard into the small of his back whilst bringing my knee up and slamming his chest. Then I shoved him backwards and dashed across the room to stand behind a small table, so at least there was some distance between us. Hissing, I took the wand I was holding with both hands and tried to snap it against my knee –

I yelped as Morgan all but picked up the table and threw it at me. I collapsed under the weight of the oak and dropped his wand in the process, which he quickly snatched up and pointed at me, practically cackling.

"_Crucio!_"

I rolled out of the way and scrambled up again, making a break from the girl's dormitories – knowing he wouldn't be able to follow. But he cut me off, grinning madly.

"Where you going, Black?" he cooed, fingers curling into the crisp collar of my shirt. "The fun's just started."

_Fucking asshole._

With as much strength as humanly possible, I kicked him in the shin and ran for the exit.

* * *

Kelsey Brown stands at 5'11" and has blue eyes and brown hair. She is eighteen and in the Hufflepuff House with average marks, but is a sweet – though sometimes brash – young woman. She enjoys French cuisine and romantic novels, autumn is her favourite season, and one day she hopes to live in a classic Victorian house with a picket fence, two children, a cat and a loving husband.

She also happens to be Remus Lupin's girlfriend of four months. But that has absolutely nothing to do with why I am mentally analyzing her. I'm just…bored. And this is completely understandable.

I am sitting in a broom closet. It's been nearly half an hour now.

What? You think I'd rather be _outside, _getting hounded by all of my problems? Morgan Black especially. It was a miracle I managed to lose him in the first place. No, no. Here, in this small dark place, I can pretend my worries are nonexistent.

Despite the fact that I am inhaling twenty centuries of dust whilst religiously ignoring the Daddy Long Legs sitting on my knee. How on earth do people snog in these things? I have never felt so filthy in my life.

Kelsey Brown has most likely never hidden in a broom closet.

I have reached a new conclusion that quite upsets me. I have never been jealous of someone before. Least of all a Hufflepuff. I'm sixteen, she's eighteen. She has blue eyes, I have brown. She is so damned, blessedly _normal._

And I'm just not.

I rub one of my eyes. It must be nightfall by now, suppertime at least. My foot has fallen asleep, much to my chagrin, but there isn't much I can do since this is such a damn _small place. _

The door opened suddenly. I scowled at the light that filtered in. "This one's taken," I muttered.

"Black! Imagine meeting you here, of all places!"

It was Snively. How the hell did he know where I was? Is he stalking me? How could he possibly find me before the self-proclaimed almighty _Morgan _did?

"Get in and die," I warned him, planting a leg in the doorway to barricade his entrance.

He does not take me seriously, and leans against the doorway whilst grinning at me. I weigh my options. Get cornered by Snively, or risk getting found by Morgan. I'd choose Snively to Morgan any day – the lesser of two evils.

I sigh shortly. He was exposing my hiding place every moment he stood there. With a frown, I stood up. "Don't stand there with the door open."

He took that as an indication to come in. He shut the door behind him and I glared where I supposed he was. But broom closets are not the roomiest areas you will ever find, and though it was no fault of his (though I bet he enjoyed it, wanker) his legs brushed against mine as he sat down.

"Snively," I spat.

"Calm down, calm down." There was a moment of silence before the tip of his wand illuminated the small space. He grinned lightly at me. "See? I'm not such bad company."

"Don't get comfortable."

"Did you know half the school would love to be in your position right now?"

"Half the school cannot fit in here. Stop talking to me. Git."

I wish I had a wand to make him shut up. Morgan, however, had been oh-so-kind enough to take it from me when I tried to break it over my knee. Asshole.

"Remove your hand, Snively."

"I was simply _admiring_-,"

"Remove. Your. Hand."

Snively flicked the hem of my skirt, grinning as he removed his offensive appendage.

I opened the door, and threw him out.

"Go to hell, Snively."

"Won't escape me forever!" West told me in a singsong voice.

The door, which I had been pulling shut, abruptly flew open again and slammed right into him, knocking the git over. I couldn't help but smirk as I closed the door again and sat back down.

Silence came over the small space once again. I leant against the back of the broom closet, folding my arms into my robes and sighing slightly while my eyes adjusted to the darkness. Eight minutes later found me to be watching my Daddy Long Legs companion scuttle across the floor.

I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up and chance to open the door of my hiding place, no one was around and it was pitch black. I can only assume that Morgan had not been looking for me long, perhaps he had been sidetracked or lost interest. Carefully, I stepped out of the closet and gently dusted off my clothes, somewhat relaxed in the absolute silence of the castle. This, I could come to enjoy.

My faint happiness evaporated, however, when the emblem on my arm started burning.

It was overwhelming. I hadn't felt the Dark Mark burn in such a long time I shuddered and grasped my sleeve, hissing, shaking, unable to move despite my desperate desire to quell this pain. I felt disoriented and unstable on my feet. After a moment, I forced myself to shake off the sensation and nearly stormed down the hall in a flurry of frustration. Nothing was going well lately. It was the middle of exams, Morganknows where I am, and now I had to do the Dark Lord's bidding – whatever that might be.

There was nothing for it; I had to go into the Forbidden Forest again. At night.

Huffing, I carelessly strode through the castle doors and outside into the bitter chill of the night.

"My God, woman, speed _up_," Morgan's voice scoffed as the man himself walked next to me.

"Shut the hell up," I snapped at him, hoping he would catch pneumonia. He didn't have a cloak or scarf on. Then again, neither did I. We entered the Forbidden Forest together. Reluctantly, I felt a little more comfortable that at least I wasn't alone in here once more with a bunch of crazy animals.

Soon enough we came to the designated route. Morgan tapped the rock and said '_massimorium'. _We then continued through to Hogsmeade. That is, until Morgan stopped suddenly.

"We're outside the gates," he told me, grasping my arm. I glared at him even though I knew he had to do it to transport us both.

We Apparated to the gates of a rather cozy-looking house on the countryside, picket fence and all. Perhaps this is a house Kelsey Brown may have considered as her future home.

If Lord Voldemort didn't occupy it, of course.

Morgan led the way past the gate and into the house. It was furnished in a way I suppose Muggles usually furnished their houses, if not dusty and aged-looking. The brown-haired man led us through a small closet in the living room, filled with mouldy coats and the like. He pulled me in impatiently, shut the door, and said to the closet at large,

"Praise he who shall not be bound by death; our great Dark Lord."

There was a sharp crack. Morgan opened the door again; and we were now walking into the dimly lit corridor of Voldemort's hideout. The burning of the Mark had subsided. Within seconds, the uniform on Morgan's shoulders dissolved into the black folds of a Death Eater's cloak. He kept his hood down. I followed his example.

Other Death Eaters passed us by on our way. Rosier was one of them. He nodded to Morgan and to me (to my surprise) before continuing on his way. Morgan finally stopped in front of a plain door, in front of which stood a Death Eater whose identity I could not decipher since he had his mask on.

"The Dark Lord is waiting," he said, in monotone.

Morgan smirked, glancing at me. "Mask on, sweetheart."

Good. I won't have to look at his ugly face. I pulled my hood up like he did, the mask falling into place like a tangible sort of illusion. I could see clearly and felt nothing on my face, but when others looked at me, all they would see was the inscrutable form of a Death Eater.

Morgan led the way into the Dark Lord's room. It was dark; only a scant few candles illuminated the old leather chairs, the dusty books, and the still bodies standing in a circle in the center of the room, silent, waiting.

The tall man beside me strode in wordlessly, and took his place in a vacated spot with another Death Eater on his left and empty space on his right. I began to step into the place next to him but Morgan grabbed my shoulder and pressed me flush against his side. I could feel his silent laughter in the chords of his muscles. Hissing, I pushed his hand from my shoulder and stood just slightly behind him.

Hardly anyone moved. A soft rustling caught my attention. I watched a long, slow-moving snake move sedately across the floor.

I stilled as the room temperature seemed to drop a few degrees.

"We are all present," a soft voice murmured. Seemingly out of nowhere, Lord Voldemort himself stepped into place next to Morgan. "Good."

We bowed in unison to our Lord and stayed that way. His footsteps echoed against the walls as he walked around the center of the circle.

"I am pleased," he said finally. "The Wizarding World knows us, fears us. They are unsettled and fearful. Now is the time to move ahead in our plans." He stopped suddenly. "Rosier. You will assemble a group. Tomorrow night, you will march the streets of London and make our presence known to the Muggles. Be creative."

I heard Rosier's husky voice. "Yes, my master."

"In the meantime, you, Morgan, shall infiltrate the Ministry while they are in a panic. Take your girl with you. Consider this merely a test of the Ministry's defenses; your goal, however, is to destroy the Auror Base."

"I would be honored to do so, my Lord," Morgan purred.

"Otherwise. I want the Ministry to be…_delayed _on their way to Rosier's location. Severus, Lucius. I leave this to you."

"Of course, my Lord," I heard two familiar voices ring out at the same time.

"Good," Voldemort hissed gently. "You are dismissed."

Within seconds, Morgan had grasped my arm and we had Apparated into another hallway of the underground base.

"Look what I have for you," my adopted cousin held out a wand, _my _wand. I took it quickly, and considered splattering his brain across the wall with it. Or at least poking out his eye.

"Don't go anywhere," Morgan crowed, nicking my chin. "I have to speak privately with Bella for some time. Be back later."

Tch. I could guess just how they'd be 'conversing', fiancé or not. I glared at Morgan's retreating back as he went down the hall, pulling down my hood with a scowl on my face. There was no one else around. I leant against the wall with a frown and shut my eyes.

So. A terrorist act, tomorrow. Should I tell Dumbledore? Of course that wasn't a question. I already figured I would. Still, it wasn't much to go on…despite knowing what Morgan's goal was within the Ministry of Magic; I had no idea where Rosier's group would be. And with the wizards of the Ministry 'distracted' by Lucius and Severus, Rosier would be left to kill hundreds freely. Muggles would never stand a chance.

That was vital information, I guess. Dumbledore could benefit from it; I am sure that's what the man would want.

I don't really want to see a bunch of Muggles killed, either.

Footsteps sounded. I opened my eyes; speak of the devil. Rosier slowly walked past me, his eyes lingering on me for a moment before he continued down the hall, into a doorway on the left, which he kept open.

My frown deepened. But how do I get that sort of information? I'm new to this whole spying thing. I was partnered with Morgan _(surprise), _so I had no part in the creation or in the plans of Rosier's attack. And right now, the only one who would probably know those plans was Rosier himself; he hadn't had any time to consider much other than his basic idea.

Still. _How do I get the information?_

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, then paused.

I'm a girl.

Rosier's a man.

And men liked…kissing.

I had heard about it enough times. Women who slept with men for information, getting whispered confessions and telltale hints while their victims were too immersed in pleasure to notice.

Well, I'm not sleeping with anyone. I'm sixteen. And I have no idea how old Rosier is, maybe twenty-one or so. Would he go for it? Could I even pull it off?

Why am I even _considering _this? I don't want to be a whore. I don't want to – to _kiss _older men – I don't want to kiss anybody!

…but if I do, there's the possibility that less people will die.

I cursed Dumbledore for putting me in this position. I cursed myself for finding no alternative. Wasn't there something else I could do? Not without bringing up suspicion. Lord Voldemort does not take me as his confidante and I am not a member of the Inner Circle – I was just there because Morgan dragged me in.

So…I guess that's it. Decision made. This better be worth it.

I slouched against the wall and waited twenty minutes. If I was going to do this, I might as well wait until he had his plan of action developed.

Slowly, I straightened from the wall and walked towards the open door Rosier had disappeared into. My feet felt like lead. I winced, felt myself shivering, and forced myself to stop. It's only kissing, for Merlin's sake. It doesn't mean anything. I can handle it.

I found myself standing in Rosier's doorway. He had been sitting at his desk. It was a small, barren room with a desk, a bed and a chair. That was all.

He glanced at me the moment I stood in the threshold. I stared back. What did I do now?

"Ivy Black." He remembered my name. Promising…

"Rosier." I replied automatically. "May – I come in?"

I was obviously terrible at this. Rosier stared at me for a long time. Eventually, he nodded.

I stepped in, feeling very, very nervous. I walked around his chair and looked at the paper over his shoulder. "What are you doing?"

"Making plans for tomorrow night." He took his quill in hand and continued writing as if I wasn't there.

I saw an opportunity and jumped for it. "How many are you taking?"

Rosier glanced at me from the corner of his eye. "As many as possible."

I thanked every deity I could think of that I was a good liar. I clasped my arms behind my back, the perfect picture of curiosity. "The Dark Lord said to be creative. What does he mean?"

Rosier turned back to his detailed plans. "Naughty words a girl like you wouldn't like to hear."

Rosier was the soft-spoken type, but he was a genius. I remembered from second year, he was Head Boy.

"I can handle it," I said resolutely.

"What happened to the mouse that came in five months ago?" Rosier glanced at me again. I was just happy to get out of my original plan.

I stared back at him. He sighed very slightly, leant back against his chair, and after a moment of inward speculation grasped my waist and pulled me into his lap.

To say I was surprised would have been a very great understatement. All of a sudden, I was within the warm light of Rosier's only torch, staring incredulously down at Rosier's work.. The blonde held my right upper arm carefully with one hand, and motioned to his papers with the other.

"We meet here." Rosier pointed to a sketchy map. I stared at it, momentarily forgetting myself.

"At a giant caterpillar?"

"That's Big Ben."

I squinted. "It's a caterpillar with a hat on."

"I assure you, it's a clock tower." Rosier towered over me in height. Even sitting, the top of m head was about level with his ear. He didn't sound peeved at my criticism.

"Ah," I said unsurely. It still looked like a mutilated insect to me.

"We meet here," Rosier continued, motioning to the caterpillar-clock. "And go west. By 'creative', the Dark Lord means to say that we can do what we want with the Muggles."

"Because the Ministry entrance is east of the clock tower."

I remember being scared around Rosier before. He'd put me under the Cruciatus Curse once already. He was the one that gave me my Dark Mark. And he never seemed to show any sort of emotion.

It was a surprising change from the usual drama. Even Severus wasn't as impartial as Rosier was. And that was saying something. Rosier wasn't sarcastic or cynical, he was just…there.

"This route also leads to the busiest part of the city." Rosier's fingers crawled along the parchment patiently, smoothing out the rough pathway through London on his small map. "Muggles have boxes called video cameras; they will most likely point these at us and we will be known internationally. At the same time, the Ministry will be so flustered they will not know what to do."

"Most of the Wizarding World does not take us seriously." I surmised, studying the paper before looking up at my makeshift mentor. "But this will change that, won't it?"

Rosier leant back on his chair, sitting his elbow on the small wooden arm. "They will finally recognize us as a threat. And they'll regret not preparing for us."

I looked from the plans to him and back again.

"Ivarius Black! Calling my sweetheart! Wherever have you gone?"

Startled, I glanced at the door. It seems as though Morgan had finished doing whatever it was that he was doing. I stood up. "See you."

Rosier inclined his head slightly while I walked past him to the door. Morgan was in the hall outside. He was frowning for once when he caught sight of me; but I disregarded it, thinking only of going to sleep.

* * *

My desire to sleep has been postponed. I have to talk to Sirius tonight, about some things. And why wouldn't I be happy to forsake my warm bed for the grouchiness and terrible attitude of my eldest?

I cursed my luck and marched up a staircase. I was not in the mood for raging at Merlin-knows-what-time-at-night. So Sirius had been just shut up and listen or I would _kill him. _

I tripped over a step, cursed, and kicked the step angrily. "Fucking, bloody, only case of inanimate stairs in the entire fucking castle and _I _have to trip over it – go to _hell!_"

I stormed the rest of the way up, so vexed I lost sight of my goal until I threw open the doors of the Hospital Wing, stormed through the aisle, and stopped before the only two occupied beds.

Sirius was sleeping, arms behind his head, black hair obscuring his closed eyes just a little. One of his legs was bent. His bandages weren't hardly as stained as they had been last time I'd seen him. His face had regained colour.

And suddenly, my own inner turmoil subsided. I realized how quiet it was in the Hospital Wing. I could hear my own breathing, not my own thoughts.

I could no longer remember why I had been angry. And it didn't really matter, either.

I took my shoes off so they wouldn't make a sound. Then I walked over to his bed, and pulled up the small wooden chair next to his nightstand. I sat down quietly and wondered at my predicament. I didn't know whether I should wake him, or just sit and wait until morning. Either way, I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight.

I sighed, leaning towards the latter of my choices. I looked down at the wand in my hands – my wand. Back in my possession after being taken from me for the umpteenth time.

I wouldn't let it go again.

A soft glow lit at the tip of my wand; just enough to make shadows on the plaid of my knees. I didn't want the light to disturb either of the room's occupants. On that thought, my eyes wandered over to Remus, who was sleeping just as deeply.

The both of them. They care about me, isn't that odd? At least Sirius is related to me. But prior to this year I had never looked Remus in the eye let alone spoken to him. He says he can relate to the way I feel; unworthy of everyone around me. Like some sort of monster.

Maybe Remus was just a kind person. A rare type of person.

I ran a hand over my face; the wand light faded. I wanted to make amends with my brother. I wanted to talk to him; there were so many things I was unsure of. I guess I'm not good at handling myself.

Maybe I just miss him…even though he's kind of a jerk.

I reached out to touch his arm, but hesitated. Instead, I placed it on the side of the mattress.

I had to make the effort. It's my turn to try and make things right. An image came to my mind of that night, when Sirius had gazed at me so…viciously.

'_Just get out of my life.'_

Mind made up, I leant forward a little. "Sirius," I whispered. Gingerly, I prodded his arm. "Sirius."

Sirius took a deep breath, the sort people make when they're shaking out of slumber and entering the world of consciousness. His legs shifted, a lazy hand coming to rub his face. "Wh…who…?" he mumbled tiredly, still dragging himself out of slumber. I felt a little bad for that, at least.

I waited patiently and watched Sirius tilt his head as he brush the hair from his eyes, blinking and gazing blearily around him. He peered at me for a long second before it finally seemed to register who I was. His expression soured immediately.

"Get out," he moaned gruffly and twisted in his sheets to turn his back to me. I stood up quickly and grasped his elbow to try to prevent him from doing so.

"Sirius," I whispered, loathe to awaken the other occupant of the room. "Big brother-,"

"Don't use that 'big brother' rubbish on me," Sirius muttered, voice also low. He was fully turned on his side now. I was stretched far enough over the bed that one of my knees was resting on the edge. "I'm sick of you. Leave me alone."

It stung. I shook it off. I know Sirius better than a lot of people, and I knew that when he was mad, he said hurtful things.

"I'm sorry," I said, and honestly meant it. I'd been apologizing to both my brothers lately. "I – on Christmas, I meant to come, but – there were problems-,"

"Your precious Voldemort came ringing," Sirius all but hissed, now virtually lying on his stomach.

"Sirius!" I sighed my distress. Should I tell him about Morgan? Something told me not to. "It's just – Mum threw me out, alright? And she took my wand and I didn't have any Muggle clothes so I – I…"

I basically killed a woman for her clothes. I didn't really want to think about it. I shook my head slightly and clutched his shoulders. "I'm sorry," I said again. "And – you don't have to forgive me, but I wanted to apologize, because I love you and you deserve an apology, I guess, because I am terrible at this commitment thing and-,"

Sirius sighed heavily. I was rambling, I knew it. He sat up finally, and turned around so his back was leaning against the headboard. One hand rubbed a jaw sporting a 5 o'clock shadow.

"She gave you the boot, eh?" he muttered thoughtfully. "What for?"

The words _'grow a backbone' _echoed through my head. My shoulders sagged. "…nothing important," I mumbled.

"Ivy. I can't keep hanging on to you unless you make an effort," Sirius' large dark eyes met mine wearily. "You understand that, don't you? I know you have it hard but so do the rest of us. I need you to be willing to make time for me, not jerk me along. Can you do that?"

I'd do all I could to keep my ties with Sirius. He was my important person. Him and Regulus. The thought of losing him made my stomach clench uncomfortably.

I nodded quickly. Sirius pressed the heel of his palm into his eye to rub away sleep. He nodded slightly, eyes flickering across my face for any sign of insincerity.

Finally, my brother sighed. "What's wrong?" he asked expectantly. Knows me well, I guess.

"I…" he probably wasn't going to like this. "I'm worried…about Regulus. He's acting strange."

"He always acts strange."

"He's not…happy," I whispered, ignoring Sirius' comment. "First he was furious. But now…he isn't flirting, and he hardly talks. He's been that way since Tuesday."

Sirius sat up a bit more, stifling a yawn. "He thought you were dead, that's why. Should've heard him screaming."

"Sirius, he sees things like that every day."

"Hell, Ivy, you're oblivious to everything. Come here."

I sat my knees next to his and hesitantly folded into his big arms. Sirius reminded me of a dog sometimes, the way he acted. Loyal, comforting.

"You're not a big brother, right? So you don't know what its like." Sirius folded his legs and stifled another yawn. "Reg is an annoying bastard, but he's never had to worry about losing his little sister before. I'm sure there are a couple of brain cells in his head at least. He carried you up here. I was awake, I saw him. He got a dose of reality, bloody airhead."

Omitting the insults, I saw where this was going. Regulus had thought I was dead. Regulus realized I could die.

Well, shit. I wasn't, like, his best friend or anything, he shouldn't have thrown such a fit. Am I that important to him?

Something occurred to me. "You were there," I said softly. "You were hurt, too."

There was a pause. "I don't think he was worried about me."

"Both of us," I thought out loud, and Regulus' distress seemed to make more sense. "He thought we were both dead."

"Ivy," Sirius sighed, ruffling my hair. "You just don't see it, do you?"

I didn't know what he was talking about, so I didn't answer. IT was nice to just sit with him. My brother had a magnetic presence about him, a presence that probably explained why he was so well-liked.

I'd missed him. I'd always missed him.

We stayed that way for a while, until Sirius' arms relaxed. When I looked up at him, he was asleep. Carefully, I slid my way out of his arms, trying to disturb him as little as possible. I pulled up the blanket around his arms so he wouldn't get a chill and pushed his bangs out of his eyes before realizing that I was acting like a mother hen and abruptly stepped back.

And tripped, and fell. Over my own discarded shoes.

Luckily, neither patients were awake to see my blunder and I stood up quickly. I picked up my offending shoes and made for the door. It was a quiet walk back towards the dormitory, but I couldn't help but feel more at peace with myself. Sirius wasn't angry with me anymore. That relieved me.

I walked into the dormitory, ready for sleep. Tiredly, I pulled the ribbon from my hair and stuck it into one of my shoes, already dreaming of my warm bed. But my gaze wandered towards the fireplace, and to my utmost distress, Morgan sat there, watching me.

Ignoring him never worked. So I stopped, tiredly, and waited for whatever speech was coming.

"What's been keeping you?" he smirked. I wanted to slap him, at least, I would have wanted to if I'd had the energy.

"Leave me alone," I muttered. "Isn't there someone else you can terrorize?"

"Absolutely not," Morgan grinned at me, beckoned me over with a finger. I glared at him. I had a wand now. Knowing this, I kept one hand tightly clenched around it.

"What?" I ground out coldly.

"I'm not anywhere near being done with you," Morgan told me brightly. "Come here."

"Go to hell," I took a step forward, for anger purposes – not to obey him.

"Lead the way," he purred. "Can you really stand a chance against me at this time in the morning? You're too tired; you wouldn't even put up a fight. Come here."

He'd cast a spell on me, I realized when my legs forced me to walk to him. I stood right in front of him, almost touching his knees. Morgan stared up at me languidly. His uniform made him actually look his sixteen years of age, instead of twenty.

"What?" I snapped again, narrowing my eyes. "What can you possibly want with me? Why can't you just let me have some peace for once you ignorant bastard-,"

Hands grasped my sides. I was pulled forward suddenly, so that my knees fell into place on either side of Morgan's legs. I was still taller than him in this position, sitting up on my knees. I cursed and began to move my wand hand but he grabbed my wrist and forced it to the side so I was unable to point it at him. All the while, Morgan stared at me blankly.

"Let go," I hissed, trying to hit him with my other hand. He grabbed that one before damaged could be done and pinned it in the same fashion. I considered head butting him, but that never worked.

"Why so angry, sweetheart? You're on top, aren't you?" Morgan murmured delicately. I hissed at him, eyes narrowed, more than ready to scream bloody murder.

"Let go of me _now, _Morgan-,"

His lips pressed over mine. Hard, forceful, demanding. Out of sheer surprise my mouth opened and he jumped on the opportunity to ravage through my mouth with aggression, biting my lip and ignoring my lack of response to instead torture my tongue viciously, I couldn't breath, I couldn't think –

And then the back of his hand hit my cheek. He pushed my right off him. I almost fell into the fire, cursing loudly when the cinders burnt my elbow. Morgan was already standing. He gave my only a passing sneer as he turned.

"Witch," he snarled.

I watched him walk into the dormitory, mouth aching, and thoroughly confused.

The asshole.

* * *

TBC, yo.


	15. Juxtaposition

**Juxtaposition**

Remus is a mother hen. I realize this, now. And I decide that the Hospital Wing is as close as I can get to ABSOLUTE HELL.

"It's not that bad," I droned. I don't know why I even bothered.

Remus made a distant noise in the back of his throat. Sirius, sitting upright on his bed, smirked.

"Hear that, Moony? _Not that bad, _she says."

I rolled my eyes. Right now I'm standing between their beds with my sleeve pulled up and my elbow accordingly exposed to Remus' scrutiny.

"How does someone trip into an open flame?" the brown-haired seventh year wondered softly. He was dressed in full Gryffindor uniform once again, and had been preparing to leave when I'd walked in, ready to ask Madame Pomfrey to heal this nagging burn I'd gotten last night, except she was not yet on the premises. Which left me to be nattered at between Remus and Sirius.

"She's dead clumsy," Sirius mentioned brightly.

"It – was – an accident." I glared at him.

"Did I ever tell you about the time she tripped over the couch? Right into the old bat's anniversary cake – most _hilarious _thing-,"

"Sod off, Sirius," I growled.

Remus studied my face critically. "You hit your face, too."

"I wasn't worried about that," I sighed. Never am I coming here again. "The burn was just hurting, so I thought…eh…"

Remus turned my arm around. The Dark Mark that had been glaring me in the face was exposed to him. I wasn't very worried about it at this moment in time; both him and my brother knew what it was and I hadn't really seen the need to hide it. But now Remus was staring down at the tattoo with slight curiosity.

"Dark Mark," he murmured thoughtfully. Sirius hopped off the bed and joined Remus in his scrutiny.

I felt like a bug. People stare avidly at bugs, right?

"It gets bolder when he calls," I explained.

Sirius huffed softly. "Doesn't suit you," he declared, but grinned at me and ruffled my hair, breaking the silent tension of the moment.

"_Why _must you do that?" I demanded irritably, reclaiming my limbs if only to fix my hair. My sleeve fell back over the pale skin on my arms.

"Because you're the littlest," Sirius replied, hopping back to his bed.

Remus shook his head and perched me on his neatly made bed. "Wait for Madame Pomfrey," he advised.

"Is this an order?" I asked blandly.

"Do you think you can make it to the doors without me catching you?" Sirius snickered. "Or tripping?"

I open my mouth to reply when something occurs to me suddenly. I've been brooding about Morgan all night, and my priority and entirely slipped my mind.

I hadn't told Dumbledore about the raid yet.

"…uh," I began dumbly, looking from Remus to Sirius and back again. "Er – I have to go."

I wasn't even on my feet when Remus touched my arm and I froze. I wish he wouldn't touch me. _Ooh I wish he wouldn't. _

"Where?" he asked softly.

"Er," I had momentarily forgotten. Remus reached up and carefully touched my cheek where I knew a very obvious bruise had formed. He glanced briefly back at Sirius, who had pulled shut his curtain to get dressed, before looking at me.

He placed his other hand on my shoulder. "Someone hit you."

It was a whisper, but he might as well have yelled it. I flinched slightly and Remus quickly removed his hand from my cheek, as though thinking it was his own hand that caused my reaction. Remus' gentle brown eyes were steady, however.

"I don't know who it was," he said in an undertone, and dammit it he was breathing on me again and I really _really wish he wouldn't _– "But if I see this again, we'll have to talk."

Mother hen, I thought weakly.

I nodded numbly. Why did Remus have to be so nice? He smiled slightly and squeezed my shoulder. "Get that burn taken care of today, won't you?"

"Uh huh," I replied blankly.

Somewhere along the line, I realized I was outside. It was only then my senses came back to me and I physically slapped the heel of my palm against my temple. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How did he even know Morgan hit me? Is he a detective or something? Why does he have to _lean so close _just to make his point? He can make his point fine from a much safer distance! Like, the far corner!

I am not acting funny. No, no, no. I am _not _being affected by stupid Remus.

…

I didn't mean that. Remus is nice, not stupid.

DAMMIT, MY BRAIN IS BEING A GIT!

I had now paused to give my head a good whack against the wall. Satisfied, I walked to Dumbledore's Office.

* * *

I stepped out of Dumbledore's Office was a small sigh. There, he knew. My conscience was clear. I felt sort of guilty about going behind Regulus' back, but if it meant people could be salvaged, then I had to do what I had to do.

Now it was breakfast time, and when I walked into the Great Hall, Morgan was seated right next to my usual place, talking to Lucius across the table. On the other side of my seat was Regulus, and next to Lucius was Severus.

I was loathe to sit down anywhere near Morgan, but I did so anyway because Regulus was so close. He glanced at me as I sat down.

"Good morning Ivy," Morgan passed me a sidelong glance as he raised a goblet to his lips. My plate was already full of food. I leant over and kissed Regulus' cheek, paying no attention to the man on my other side who was now speaking in sultry tones to the girl on his other side. I recognized her as the Slytherin Severus had once poisoned, Natasha Quincy.

"I want all that gone before you leave this table," Regulus muttered, trying to remain adamant in the face of my affections. What is he, my mother?

"Same goes for you, brother dearest," I said dryly, staring at his spotless plate. I picked it up despite his protests and loaded eggs, bacon, potatoes, fruit –

"I hate fruit," Regulus muttered in a sour voice.

"Waste not," I told him, slamming the plate down on top of his closed Arithmancy book.

"And so where have you been hiding for the past two days?" Severus drawled.

"Didn't I specifically explain my need to study, considering the OWLs?" I reminded him.

"Rubbish," Lucius scoffed, fingering the rim of his goblet. "No matter how hard you study, it's obvious you're going to fail."

Lots of support from this lot. "Thank you for your kind sentiments, Lucius."

"Sweetheart," Morgan's voice was suddenly next to my ear. It was mad how quickly Morgan could flash through subjects. "You haven't touched your eggs."

"Morgan?" Natasha's voice was pleading for attention as the Seventh year girl leant against the table as though to catch his eye. Morgan turned back to her with that ever-pleasing smile on his face, rubbing her jaw gently as she licked her lips. Then again, I've never seen a girl who could resist one of the many handsome Black children.

"Yes, darling? What would you like?" he murmured.

His free hand settled beneath the table, on my thigh. I stiffened. I glanced quickly at Regulus, who was staring quietly down at his plate as he ate the food I had given him.

What is with this man? No matter how much I think about it, I can't understand his motives, his thoughts, or what the hell he thinks he's doing with me.

"I'm glad you transferred schools," Natasha was saying.

"So am I," Morgan replied. "Hogwarts has many…assets I quite enjoy."

His thumb rubbed over my skin. I shut my eyes. Trying not to draw attention to myself, I reached down and grabbed his wrist, but even so he was too strong for me to dislodge him.

I was ready to fetch my wand when I felt eyes on me. Glancing upwards, I noticed a brown-haired girl at the Hufflepuff table quickly look back down at her food.

Kelsey Brown.

She was playing with her food nervously. After a few minutes, she glanced up at me again before quickly looking down when her eyes met mine.

Why was she staring at me? Was it obvious I liked Remus? No, it couldn't be –

…er.

No, I _don't _like Remus. Slip of the tongue. Absolutely.

My voice caught in my throat when Morgan's dormant hand tried to slip further up my thigh. Moments later I had stabbed my fork into the table just where his free hand had been sitting.

"Careful, love," Morgan nicked my chin, grinning. "You might have got me there."

"I hope you get sent to Azkaban," I hissed.

"Morgan," Regulus said plainly, setting his fork down. "Don't antagonize my sister."

"Leave Morgan alone, Black," Natasha commented. "He didn't do anything to _you._"

"Who _are _you?" Severus drawled.

"My name's Natasha, Snape," she hissed. Severus eyed her with little interest.

"Persons of lesser intelligence usually sit downwind."

"Are you saying I'm stupid?"

"If you need to ask me, then the question has already been answered."

I did not need another headache. I picked up an extra bun and stood up, touching Regulus' shoulder as I did and walked out of the Great Hall. I had barely turned down the empty corridor leading to the library when an arm grabbed me and wheeled me around.

I slapped Morgan.

"Mm," Morgan grabbed my shoulders and wrenched me flush against him. "Do it again."

"What do you _want?_" I demanded, struggling aimlessly.

"That's my question," Morgan purred, pressing his nose against my neck. His hands tightened painfully. "What do you want, Ivarius? Why did do this to me?"

"Do-do what?" I muttered nervously. I felt something wet touch my neck as I pressed my hands against his chest, trying to force him away. "_Stop it_-,"

"Was it a love potion? A spell, maybe?" he was so damn close, I was ready to have a panic attack. His arms snaked around my back and even though I was pushing with all my strength, he was still speaking into my neck.

He was damn lucky he was adopted, or this would be even worse than it already was.

"What are you talking about – Morgan!" I gasped and kicked him, hard. "Stop it, _stop it _let go of me you fucking-,"

"Stupid little girl," he hissed. He started laughing. He's mad, I thought. "You want me? Be careful what you wish for."

"_Want _you? _What are you talking abou-,_" he cut me off abruptly. I couldn't breathe with him kissing me. I wrenched my wand from my pocket, panicked, and jabbed the point into his side. _'Stupefy!_'

He was knocked away from me. I watched him land, unconscious, on the floor. I shuddered and shut my eyes tightly, trying to push away all thoughts of him touching me. I marched over to his body and pulled him into a nearby broomcloset. Afterwards, I fixed my hair, righted my clothing, and took a deep breath.

Composure.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move. I turned, ready to lie my way through whatever the person had seen, only to watch the hem of a robe disappear around a corner. Curious, I followed, only to find a young man standing at the door of a classroom, having difficulty with the doorknob.

"Remus?" I said in surprise.

Remus froze for a second, before continuing his hardship with the doorknob, which seemed to be stuck. He looked a little jumpy.

I began to walk over. "What are you doing?"

"I – nothing," he replied quickly, "The door's jammed."

"Yes, I see." I leant against the wall, curious as to his distracted behavior. Did he see Morgan and I? This made me frown. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Oh," Remus murmured. "Yes, er, that's fine-,"

"You're sweating," I said, peering confusedly at his face.

"Oh," he said again, pushing brown hair out of his eyes. "Well, I still feel a little off…"

I moved in front of the door and pressed my shoulder against it. "Then you shouldn't be wasting energy on this. Let me try."

"No no," he said quickly, jerking the doorknob once more. It opened to an empty classroom. "I've got it. See? Thank you, Ivy."

"Remus," I began as he walked past me. "Remus…is something wrong?"

I saw his back stiffen. He looked back at me. "Ivy," he sighed.

"You look…upset," I began, rubbing my neck and standing in the doorway.

"Ivy," he said again, rubbing his face. "Please, I…just, a headache…"

I frowned and shut the door. The classroom was dark. My mind wandered to Morgan, but I shook away those thoughts. I'd just stick close to Regulus from now on.

"Remus," I said, watching him sit on a desk. "You're pale. I'll bring you back to the Hospital Wing."

He shook his head.

"Ivy," Remus groaned when I touched his shoulder and quickly pushed me away by the wrist. "Please. For your own…I…I'm not myself."

"Why? Do you have a fever?" I reached out to touch his forehead but Remus stood suddenly.

"I can't control my actions right now," he ran a hand through his hair, shuddering. "I – this has never happened before…" Remus was almost talking to himself.

I was worried, now. "Remus, we need to get a teacher."

"I need you to leave," he shut his eyes tightly.

Leave him alone, like this? "I-,"

"I don't want to hurt you," Remus said with sudden sharpness. His hands settled on my shoulders and began to push me backwards, towards the door.

"W-what? Remus, how could you possibly – ?"

"You don't understand," he was almost pleading with me. "I'm not – I'm a – I'm…" Remus' shoulders dropped. Brown eyes glanced away. "I'm…"

"What is it?" I was slightly alarmed now.

He swallowed. Concerned, I touched his shoulder and he jerked slightly, hands tightening on my shoulders.

"I'm a werewolf," he all but shouted, shutting his eyes tightly. "I'm a werewolf and I have no idea what's going on but if you don't _leave right now _I don't know what I might do to you."

He opened the door, pushed me out, and with a quick 'I'm sorry' it was closed.

I stared blankly at the door.

"…werewolf?"

* * *

"Ivy?" Regulus paused and turned to regard to me. "What's the matter?"

I clutched my Defense Against the Dark Arts book, watching him hover on his broomstick as the Quaffle fell to the ground. "Nothing," I replied. "I'm just…a bit cold."

Regulus tossed his hair out of his eyes and dove for the ball. I shuddered and tried to concentrate on the words.

'_A werewolf comes into being when a person is bitten by another werewolf. Once this happens, the person must manage the condition. Nothing will completely cure a werewolf, unfortunately._

'_A werewolf, when transformed, is a most fearsome beast indeed. All trace of human awareness is gone and the wolf will attack any victim or wizard, including the werewolf's best friends.'_

There was more, but my eyes were drawn insistently towards the picture my schoolbook provided of a large creature much like a wolf in appearance, teeth bared in a snarl, fur on end, foam oozing from the jaws.

I tried to picture gentle, tired-looking Remus snarling and vicious but found it difficult. I shut the book gently and sighed, hugging the volume to my chest and setting my chin upon it.

A werewolf? Remus?

But he was so…_nice. _Mum used to tell me all about werewolves, about how bloodthirsty and monstrous they were and the only thing they were good for was target practice. And that's what'd I'd thought, too. I didn't want to be around someone who could turn around and attack me at any time. Or worse, a werewolf could bite you and infect you with its disease.

I flinched at my own thoughts. Did I think Remus would attack me?

'_I don't want to hurt you.' _

Quite the opposite. Remus was, if anything, desperate to get me away from him. He was such…he was so…thin, and…quiet, and…and when he looked at you his eyes were soft and tired –

Tired. It made sense now. I had put off his usual weariness for staying up late at night with the other Marauders, crafting ideas for pranks. But the transformation from human to animal – was it painful? It sounded so. I would bet money it was strenuous.

'_I'm a werewolf.' _

If people knew, he'd be thrown out of school as a threat to the rest of the students. It seemed impossible that my brother and the other Marauders wouldn't know. But how had he kept it a secret? How could Dumbledore let him attend in the first place? What did Remus _do _on the full moon?

Potter, Pettigrew, and Sirius must know about this. Weren't they scared? Worried? For themselves?

I thought of all the signs I had missed. Severus yelling at me for being out after dark. Potter rushing me into the castle. Having Remus literally collapse on me that first morning in the Hospital Wing, beaten and disoriented, looking lost, morose, panicked, all at once.

I remembered seeing him in the Hospital Wing just days ago, his face deathly pale.

'_I'm sorry.'_

'_Why?'_

'_That creature,' he was back to staring at the blankets. 'It was…a monster. It should have never been there.'_

It was him.

He'd been the one that attacked me the other night. He was the one who hospitalized Sirius and put the marks on my back. He's the reason Regulus is acting so strangely to me.

I shuddered and buried my face in my hands. I couldn't get his mournful expression out of my head. He knew what he'd done.

'_Have you ever killed someone?'_

'_I don't know.'_

I moaned softly. My chest was tight and congested.

Mournful. Sad. Anxious. I always saw him wearing one of those expressions. Remus was so kind…did it hurt him to know that he was a danger to other people?

'_I'm sorry._'

I didn't need to linger on that question. Of course it did. Remus had been bitten by a werewolf at some point, and he had no choice but to suffer the consequences. If people knew, they would fear him and shun him, and never know the Remus I know.

I recalled my own words in the Hospital Wing. _'I don't see how that could possibly be your fault. And a monster doesn't really have any idea where it is, does it? It's just hungry, or some such thing.'_

He couldn't control himself.

I sighed heavily, clutching to the warm fabric in my hands.

Aren't I worse than him? I make the conscious choice to murder others.

A Death Eater and a werewolf.

'_I know…this may be hard to grasp, but…I understand.'_

Something like this couldn't have happened to a less deserving person.

I hugged my cushion tighter now, and felt something warm drape over my shoulders. "Ivy, my lung capacity is only so great."

I started and pulled away quickly, not even realizing that I had switched from hugging my knees to hugging someone else. Regulus stared back at me. I looked on my other side; Severus was sitting there, flipping idly through my abandoned book. The weight around my neck was his scarf, I found.

Ah.

"So," Regulus drawled. I was cornered. "Are you going to explain why you're clinging to me like a schoolgirl-,"

"No one asked you to sit there," I hissed, pretending to have some small piece of dignity left.

"Quite defensive, aren't we?" Severus all but purred.

"Sod off, Severus," I replied.

"Ivy, I want an explanation." Regulus forced my attention to return to him. I sighed in frustration at my position and tied Severus' scarf nervously.

"There's nothing to explain," I shifted just slightly away from him, worried. "I'm just stressed-,"

My brother sneered. "Did you hear that, Severus? She actually thinks we'll believe her."

"The very idea," Severus scoffed.

"Mind your own business," I mumbled.

"Tell me what's wrong," Regulus pressed, frowning at me. He looked a lot like Sirius, suddenly.

"There's nothing-,"

"Is it Morgan?" Severus interjected.

I was so surprised I sat there, mouth still open from being interrupted and trying to process what he just said. Sadly, Regulus took it as a sign much like a deer in headlights.

"What'd he do?" Regulus asked quietly.

Oh, well, dear brother, he's forcing himself on me every time he sees me and somehow he thinks it's _my _fault. But I wasn't concerned about that right now, my thoughts upon Remus.

"Um…nothing…"

Today was not a day for being a terrible liar. But it wasn't as though Regulus could do something about it even if I told him. Morgan was one of the Dark Lord's favourites, after all.

There was a strange element to Regulus' expression that I recognized as worry. I sighed and stood up so that I was in front of him. I set a hand on his head and smiled slightly at him. "You make a good pillow. Thanks, Regulus."

I handed Severus his scarf and took off down the bleachers before any sort of argument could be continued. At the base of the bleachers, far below, I ran into Morgan.

"Sweetheart," he greeted, smirking at me. "Time to go."

Go? Go where?

"We'll have fun," he promised, tugging at my tie. I glared in warning. Morgan grasped my arm and Apparated the both of us.

I found myself standing in what appeared to be the suburbs of London. The sky was quickly darkening.

It hit me like a brick wall. Tonight was the London raid.

"Huh, looks like we have time to spare," Morgan glanced around briefly, eyes on the sky. He looked back at me. I pointed my wand at him warily.

"Don't. _Touch. _Me."

Morgan snorted. "You're the one who-,"

"I didn't do anything to you!" I nudged him accusedly. "You – you delusional, arrogant bloody wanker _don't you even think of touching me-_,"

"Then lift the spell," Morgan replied calmly.

"There is no bloody spell!"

"So what are you implying?" he drawled. "That I have fallen for your grace and charm? Please understand, dearest – you're ugly. I would never, intentionally, waste my time with pleasuring you…"

He leant against me and pressed his palms against my stomach; driving me backwards against the wall of a shabby warehouse. His thumbs pushed against my bellybutton and slid down, methodically applying more pressure, past the hem of my skirt to the very edge of my underwear. I shuddered and suppressed a moan. He knew what he was doing.

"But I suppose…" he murmured, mouth inches from mine, his thumbs trailing back up, and gently sliding open my blouse one button at a time. "…you are…somewhat…acceptable…"

I shut my eyes tightly and grasped his hands to stop them. "I'm not your whore," I said, shaky.

He started laughing, and suddenly the Morgan I knew was back. "No?" He retorted, pressing his lips on mine. I didn't open my mouth but he paid no mind; bit down on my lip and I forced myself to make no reaction. Morgan kissed my cheek and relented as red sparks suddenly lit the sky. "We'll have to play later. Work time, now."

He turned, completely unbothered, and went towards the Ministry Entrance. I followed and we entered the elevator together. Morgan didn't even glance in my direction; I realized then that he didn't mix work with play.

We reached the main floor, but he pressed the elevator button to keep the doors shut and passed me a glance. "Mask."

I pulled my hood up, and felt the weight of the mask illusion settle over my skin. Morgan did the same and released the button, walking into the deserted main lobby of the Ministry of Magic. I had been here before, when it was much busier, with my father on occasion when he went to meet with certain business associates. Morgan walked across the room as though he owned the place, looking like he had every right to be there. He stopped near the ridiculously large fountain in the middle of the room, head tilted slightly.

I knew that stance, and grasped my wand.

"_Stupefy!_" a voice roared from my left. I deflected the attack.

"_Avada kedarva!_" my curse caused a deep hole in the brick wall. Whoever it was – and it was _probably _a member of the Order – had already moved. I couldn't see him in the darkness of the room, but by the sound of curses coming from close by, Morgan was engaged with another 'enemy'. That meant there were at least two people in here with us.

I moved to a darker corner and cast a Disillusionment Spell to better hide my presence. I looked around carefully, only to see a flash of red shoot in my direction. I jumped out of the way, eyes narrowed upon the figure moving ever closer.

"That trick ain't gonna help you," the voice sounded rather haggard. Was I dealing with an old man?

I shot a purposefully large, bright fire towards him, hoping to disclose the direction he moved. I was right to do so. He faked left and I shot right; I had the advantage of being young, while this man moved stiffly, just like I would expect from a veteran wizard.

Too bad Dumbledore didn't send someone younger.

"_Petrificus totalus._"

The man who I could not see was frozen in place. As I came to a halt, I kept my wand on him. _"Avada kedarva._"

I walked past him after he fell, looking around for Morgan. He was sitting leisurely on the edge of the fountain, flipping his wand around his fingers like a baton. He stood up when I neared and went around to the next elevator. He stepped in and I followed, automatically pressing the third floor button – where the Department of Aurors was located.

The doors opened, and bright shocks of every imaginable colour came flying in our direction. Morgan raised his wand and all of the hexes were smothered by a black, gas-like substance and dissolved immediately. A flash of green shot from his own wand and managed to kill one of the Aurors too slow to dodge. I jumped out of the elevator, quick to distance myself from any place where I could be cornered, and broke through the line of wizards to whirl around and attack while they were trying to situate themselves. Three dead, but I was grabbed from behind and thrown away. Quickly, I turned and shot a bright blue flame towards the giant, wild-eyed man standing above me. He looked vaguely familiar, with one madly spinning glass eye.

Oh, bugger.

"_Vyrus stupendium!" _A huge white flash swept the room, temporarily paralyzing everyone around me. I scrambled around people, as far away from Mad-Eye Moody as possible. I couldn't see Morgan anywhere – not that I should have been surprised – so quickly transfiguring the nearest wastebasket and paperweight into doppelgangers of myself, I dashed back into the fray as the shock of the light disappeared. Everything was a confusion of bodies, yells and curses; no one had turned the lights on and so I could see little to nothing. However, within a matter of seconds I felt a cold hand grab my own and with a sharp _crack, _I was no longer anywhere near the Ministry of Magic, but in a mass of storming, chanting Death Eaters marching through the street.

"Watch," a familiar cackle brushed my ear and my head was forced to the right. As I stared, a huge explosion burst through the air miles away, reminding me of fire but rolling upwards like great, ominous clouds. "Bye bye, Ministry of Magic."

I realized then that here, too, the Death Eaters were facing wizards of the Order. On the fringes of our great mass of black cloaks, I could see the familiar light of hexes being shot back and forth.

"Resistance doesn't matter," a voice on my Morgan-free side spoke up. I jumped – I hadn't realized Avery was there. "We completed our prerogative."

"And we found out something interesting," Morgan added brightly.

"What's that?" I asked warily. He was far too cheery. Morgan heaved an arm around my shoulders and bent his head just a little to speak into my ear.

I could hear the grin in his voice.

"There is a snitch in our midst."

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TBC. 


	16. Pain and Passion

Hello hello hello! I bet you all wonder what I'm doing, driving you crazy with such a LONG wait and then screwing things up by rewriting a few chapters. Well! I realised ever since I wrote this chapter the first time that I didn't like it. It just didn't fit what I had planned for Ivy and Remus. So please, bear with me, and do take the time to reread this chapter! Some things have changed here and there, and I don't want to lose you in the next chappie! Also, the next chapter will come out either before or after EXAMS. My computer time is limited to an hour a day during exams, so its touach and go at the moment.

thank you for putting up with me!!

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Pain and Passion 

I had been sitting in the Great Hall this morning, minding my own business (by which I mean basically drowning in my own self-pity) with a piece of toast and a copy of the Daily Prophet sporting the headline 'DEATH EATER ATTACK LEAVES MUGGLE WORLD IN SHAMBLES', relatively keeping my nerves down, when who walks up to my table? None other than Kelsey Brown.

I paused with the toast partways to my mouth, which has stilled in the action of opening. It is quite early in the morning, and I am one of three other Slytherins sitting at our House table. Still, there is something terribly wrong with a Hufflepuff approaching the Slytherin table.

I blink.

She looks nervous, I figure. If I had to describe her posture it would be tense. I'm not particularly sure of why she looks that way – I am, by no means, as intimidating as half of the Slytherin first years. It seems I simply _lack _that gusto.

"Yes?" I say, attempting to appear haughty like Lucius whenever someone from another house – and therefore below him – approaches him. I put my toast down.

"My name is-,"

"Kelsey Brown," I finish lamely. My heart wasn't in the conversation. I have been rotating through extreme moments of panic/depression ever since Morgan began to suspect there was a spy among the Death Eaters. Especially since, _basically, _the Death Eaters are about eighty-five percent _genius and skill. _

"Yes," Kelsey stuttered. "Er – I don't mean to bother you, but…you're…friends with Remus, aren't you?"

I turned a page in the _Prophet. _"Remus who?"

"Remus – Remus Lupin," she replied, blinking.

"No," I sighed, staring at a picture of a very old-looking wizard. "I am not."

"But…I've seen you two together sometimes-,"

"You must be mistaken-,"

"And sometimes I catch your name in the conversations he has with his friends," she continued, gauging my reaction.

_Conversations, _eh?

I finally looked up at her, attempting to appear bored. "Are you insinuating something?"

The brunette bit her lip. I got a sort of malicious satisfaction out of watching her squirm – that is, until she lowered her voice a little. "Would you mind coming with me for a moment?"

Oh, Merlin. What a wonderful way to start the day. I made a big show of getting up like it was the most troublesome action in the world (Slytherins really are pricks, just so you know) and followed her out the door. She stepped hesitantly into an isolated corner and continued to fidget nervously. I waited for her to say something, but she didn't for _ages, _and just as I was about to complain that my toast was probably not only cold by this time but also _soggy _from the melted butter, she cut me off.

"Is there something going on between you and Remus?" she blurted out, her eyes wide.

Oh, how I would love to say 'yes' and see how it escalated for there. But of all the people I would wish bad things for, Remus Lupin is not one of them. "No."

She looked almost like she had been holding her breath for an extended amount of time. "Are you sure?" she burst out again in a big whoosh of air.

I stared at her. "Remus is close to my brother," I said dully, "I have no doubt they were only badmouthing me."

"Remus doesn't do that," Kelsey said with abrupt firmness. Ooh, touchy.

"I wouldn't know. If that's all…" I turned and went back to the Great Hall. For some reason, I wasn't as freaked out as I normally would be that Kelsey Brown had just confronted me.

I was, however, slightly more freaked out when a hand grabbed my arm and I was suddenly pulled into an empty classroom, staring at Sirius and Potter.

"What did you tell her?" Sirius barked.

"What?" I replied intelligently.

Potter's eyes were narrowed. "If you said _anything _about Moony's problem so help me-,"

"Merlin, the trust just rolls off you two in waves," I muttered. Sirius grabbed my shoulders.

"So you didn't say anything?" he asked urgently.

"Of course I didn't say anything. Git. Doesn't anyone know how to properly greet a person in the morning?"

"Well, then…" Potter fumbled, blinking. "…what were you talking to her for?"

Sirius turned back to me, arms folded. "Yeah," he agreed. "What he said."

How can two geniuses be so stupid? "She thinks," I replied, releasing a very loud sigh to emphasize my exasperation, "Remus and I are…having an affair…or something."

Potter snorted into his hand. Sirius sniffed indignantly. "_My _sister doesn't have affairs."

"Or boyfriends, for that matter," Potter muttered.

"I am so utterly depressed," I replied blandly. "Where is Remus, perchance?"

Potter's laughter faded. "Sulking," he said.

"You have to promise you won't tell anyone about Remus' furry little problem," Sirius raised his eyebrows at me.

"'Furry little problem'?" I repeated.

"You got a better name?" Potter huffed defensively. He appeared to be precariously close to pouting.

"Why would I tell anyone?" I asked, nervously shifting my weight. I felt as though Morgan would pop up at any minute and find us out and _oh man _that would seal my grave. "Remus is nice. Nicer than you two by all means."

"_Ouch,_" Sirius put a hand to his heart and pulled a wounded expression.

I _swore _that door was going to open at any given moment. "Listen. I have to limit contact with you for a time."

The brightness in Sirius' expression dropped. "Why?" he asked, brow creased. "You in trouble?"

"The Death Eaters are on to me."

"_On to you?_" Potter repeated, confused.

"For what?" Sirius pressed. It was at that moment I remembered they didn't know I was spying for the Order.

Bugger.

"Er."

Stupid stupid stupid –

"Well."

I panicked a little and whirled around towards the door. "Just – things – my toast is getting soggy, bye bye-,"

"_Ohohoho _no." I squeaked as I was dragged backwards and whipped around to regard Sirius' smirking face. "What have you been up to that was so _ridiculously stupid _as to get Death Eaters on your case?"

I blinked "It's not stupid," I said dumbly.

Potter snorted. "She's like a more feminine version of you, mate."

"He's feminine enough as it is-,"

"Alright, enough, _stay on subject_," Sirius punctuated each of his words with a sharp prod to my forehead. "Explain what's going on."

I bounced on the balls of my feet, nervous. "Sirius," I hissed between my teeth. "I can't stay here much longer because he'll find us-,"

"Who'll find us?"

A frustrated growl. "Cousin Morgan."

Sirius blinked. "Since when does he go to Hogwarts?"

"That's not important! Listen, I – there's this thing called the Order of the Phoenix-,"

"What do you know about that?" he said sharply.

"_Will you stop interrupting me_-,"

The door swung open. I had my wand jabbing Sirius' chest in a matter of seconds. I could feel the tip of Potter's wand prodding the side of my head, and Sirius' hand came up to grab my wrist as though attempting to force it away. To anyone who had just opened the door, it would have looked like the beginnings of a three-way duel.

There were, in fact, two people at the door. One was Morgan. The other was Regulus.

I didn't know which I was less happy to see at that moment.

Morgan tilted his head slightly. "Cousin," he murmured, studying Sirius thoughtfully.

Sirius' expression darkened. "You."

I kept glancing apprehensively towards Regulus. But he was just standing there, watching with a black expression, not speaking or acting.

"It seems we've walked into a rather tense situation," Morgan continued, leisurely making his way over to me and setting his hands on my shoulders. "Ivy, how _do _you manage these sort of things?"

I felt Sirius' hand twitch.

"Who the hell are you?" Potter demanded.

Morgan turned to him and smiled. He pulled me backwards and forcibly from Sirius' clutches. "Morgan Black," he introduced himself. "I'm going to kill you if you don't lower that wand."

Potter sneered. "I'm not scared of some-,"

There was a large smirk on Morgan's face. "Are you sure you can dodge a Killing Curse?"

The messy-haired wizard glared. "You wouldn't dare," he hissed. "Not with Dumbledore near."

"I'm so scared," Morgan chuckled. He bent low to my ear. "Really, sweetheart, why _do _you pay attention to such maggots when we could be doing something much more fun?"

I felt his mouth press against my neck and flinched.

Sirius' expression was completely blank. I could see his left hand, resting in the pocket where his wand sat.

I felt one of Morgan's hands rub my stomach and jerked away, turning and brushing past him. "Let's just go," I muttered. I reached out for Regulus' arm to drag him away but he took my wrist and lead the way out. I could hear Morgan snickering behind us.

"I see how it is," he murmured, making sure he was loud enough for those in the room to hear. "Eager, aren't we? Don't worry love, you can be on top today."

And Sirius made not a sound as the door fell shut behind my adopted cousin.

This scared me much more than any outburst would have.

"Were they bothering you?" Morgan asked, falling in step next to me. He brushed a fallen strand of hair from where it had obscured my view.

"Its not your business if they were," I said, holding tightly to Regulus' hand. I didn't know what was wrong with _him, _either. He just kept staring straight ahead.

Morgan clucked his tongue. "Are you mad, sweetheart?"

I refused to look at him. "Leave us alone."

"I was about to," Morgan answered brightly. "Slughorn called me to his office. See you in _class, _lovely."

Asshole. I watched him change course and disappear down a far corridor. Regulus kept walking, and I kept following. I soon realised we were heading towards the dungeons. I looked up at his blank face as we went, and tugged at his sleeve. "Regulus…?"

"What?" he asked, blandly.

"What's wrong?"

"Not a thing."

Liar. I sighed. "If it's about Morgan-,"

"You could have told me you were with him." Regulus said.

"I'm _not,_" I hissed, bristling at the idea. "I – _hate_ – him."

"So, what?" Regulus asked, stopping and looking down at me. His expression was stony. Sarcasm dripped from his voice. "You let him have his way with you because you _hate _him?"

"I've _tried _stopping him," I said. "He just _overpowers _me and what else am I supposed to do? Kill him?"

"I certainly wouldn't mind," he muttered. Dark eyes narrowed. "You're telling me he forces himself on you?"

My mouth opened, then closed. I choked on my words. Suddenly the ground was extremely interesting. "Just don't worry about it."

"_Don__'__t worry about it?_" Regulus repeated as though the words were blasphemy. "What else am I supposed to do? _Congratulate you?!_"

His voice had risen so I 'shush'ed him stubbornly and went through the door to the dormitory. He following me in, spouting lectures all the while.

"What exactly has he done to you?" Regulus demanded, all the while herding me up the stirs to the boys' dormitory. "Has he – he-,"

"Shagged me?" I supplied automatically, and wished I hadn't. Regulus all but threw open the door and slammed it after me.

"So he has!"

"No. He hasn't." My brother has worse mood swings than a pregnant woman. "And if he tried, I really would kill him." _Yeah right, _my mind whispered. I knew Morgan was too smart to fall for any of the tricks he himself had taught me. And even if he _did _try to get me in bed, I also knew he would know I wanted to kill him beforehand, and would not let his guard down.

A new drawl interrupted the 'chat' between Regulus and I. "Some of us are being constructive and trying to work," Severus drawled, peering at us over the edge of his book.

Regulus pointed at me. "She's a whore!"

I blinked. Severus raised an eyebrow. "Really," he drawled with false interest.

"_I am not a whore,_" I muttered, crossing my arms. "If anyone, _you__'__re _the whore."

"At least I don't let anyone do what they want with me!"

"Hmph." Let's see _him _try to ward Morgan off.

"Do I even want to know what's going on?" Severus asked dryly.

"Just how long has he been taking advantage of you?" Regulus demanded, not hearing his fellow Slytherin.

I frowned, folding my arms defensively. "A little bit."

Regulus looked like he was going to make a snarky comment, but then out of the blue, he simply deflated. He just stared at me for a while, ran a hand through his hair and turned away to flop on his bed with a sigh.

I sat down on the edge apprehensively. Severus had stopped caring and gone back to his book.

Regulus sighed again. "You know…you know I can't do anything about him."

I knew that. Morgan was too close to the Dark Lord, too dangerous. That was one of the main reasons I'd never said anything; because Regulus was powerless anyways.

Stupid Morgan.

"I know." I said. I attempted to appear reassuring. "He'll get bored eventually, don't worry."

Regulus glanced away. "Yeah."

I watched him sit up. "I need to get some breakfast," he said, ruffling my hair briefly before moving out the door.

I sighed heavily.

"So," Severus drawled. "I assume he saw you with Morgan?"

I blinked. "How-,"

"Please," he rolled his eyes, idly flipping a page of his text. "The number of times I've seen you two snogging in the hallways."

Oh, Merlin. That sounds revolting. I _do _sound like a whore.

I sighed again and fell onto Regulus' bed, completely drowning in my own despair. "He _thinks I put a love spell on him_," I groaned. "What sort of complete imbecile thinks that? Just because _he _keeps – keeps – _doing things _to me-,"

"Spare me the details," Severus set him book down with a sigh and sat up properly, regarding me boredly. "I know what he thinks."

"You do?"

He grunted. I looked at him with a frown. Suddenly I was thinking of Remus. Severus knew everything, and more than once he had bitten my head off about being outside at night. Did he know? But how did I ask something like that without giving Remus away?

"Severus," I began, trying to sound thoughtful. "I was thinking about something I heard the Marauders talking about the other day."

Severus scowled instantly.

"Remus Lupin…" I continued with fake curiosity. "Is he…hiding something?"

Severus tilted his head coldly. "You haven't figured it out? He's a werewolf."

I made a show of blinking dumbly, the way I always do when something surprises me. "Werewolf?" I repeated blankly. "Does Dumbledore-,"

"Of course he knows." Severus scoffed.

"How did _you _figure it out?" I asked with confusion. Severus leant back on his pillows, eyes closed and arms folded in an almost-peeved fashion. He sneered.

"I was, unfortunately, I victim of one of Black's _tricks,_" he spat the word like a curse. I grew alarmed at once. The malicious pranks of the Marauders which fall under Severus' title of 'Black's Tricks' were the lowest and dirtiest of all. I got up from Regulus' bed and sat on the edge of Severus', automatically fooling with his very pretty eagle-feather quill sitting on the nightstand until Severus bat my hand away.

In retaliation, I took a Sugar Quill from my pocket and stuck the end in my mouth. "What sort of trick?" I asked, blinking.

Severus looked bitter. "_Black_ lured me out on the full moon. They led me to the Whomping Willow. I saw that abomination even as I avoided the swinging-,"

"That could have killed you," I said blankly.

"Hn," Severus grunted.

"He shouldn't even have _been _on school property during the full moon. He should have gone somewhere else."

"They often run freely around the grounds."

"How stu – _they?_"

"Potter and the others," Severus' face soured deeply. "They're unregistered Animagi."

…

…

…

"WHAT?"

In a matter of seconds I was throwing open the door. Severus raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to kill Sirius Black!"

"Do take a picture."

Chewing furiously on my Sugar Quill I stomped out of the boys' dormitories, through the port hole, out of the dungeons, and stopped angrily in the empty first floor corridor. I brandished my wand angrily towards the floor.

"_Find the Marauders!_"

A thick, black line instant burst on the floor around my feet and shot at lightning speed through the school, leaving an inky trail in its wake. As I followed it, the path behind me disappeared. I followed it up three staircases (violently cursing when my foot got caught and causing a rather large chunk of the banister to explode, by accident, or course) two hallways to the large – and in my opinion, unflattering – portrait of the Fat Lady.

I glared at it.

"Password," she crooned, ignoring my gaze.

I twitched. Forcefully knocking on the frame, I waited for a young (fearful-looking) second-year to open the doorway just a little. "Y-yes?"

I pushed past him, not bothering to pay him mind as he stuttered out protests. "H-hey! You – you can't come in here, you're-,"

"I'm what?" I asked, turning to him very slowly and trying not to just kick him in the chins.

He blushed and swallowed.

I bit off a rather large chunk of Sugar Quill and absolutely ruined my wonderful threatening aura by nearly choking. I coughed vehemently and the boy back away slowly.

"Ivy?" I heard a voice. "What the hell are you-,"

I whirled around, prodding Sirius in the chest. "_YOU,_" I hissed.

The three other Marauders were slightly behind Sirius. I prodded him again and he made a face. "I hate that voice," he mumbled. "The last time you used that voice was right before you…broke…" dawning apprehension covered his face. "…a plate over my head…"

"So," I slowly reached for a book sitting on a table. "When were you planning to tell me that you were an Animagus?"

Sirius faulted. He exchanged glances with Potter on his right, who only scratched his head cluelessly while Pettigrew, standing closer to the fireplace, became very interested in stoking the fire. Sirius looked back at me, charm on full blast, grinning but I knew he was already cooked meat. "Um-,"

"And how _ridiculously stupid _do you have to be to _frolic around _at night, not only with a potentially-dangerous-creature-who-will-not-be-named-in-public, but on _school grounds?_"

Nervous laughter. "Really, Ivy, this isn't the place for that chat…"

But my attention was swinging to the figure standing rather nervously in the background, not meeting my eyes. And abruptly, without thinking, the booking was out of my hand and whizzing right past the fourth Marauder's ear. "_**REMUS LUPIN!**_"

And this would be where the story first started, with me flinging things at an alarmed Remus, and Sirius, Potter, and Pettigrew taking the distraction to find momentarily solace under a table.

Gryffindors were beginning to gather on the stairs. Not that I was worried. Last time I was in a blind rage, I was six and I did, indeed, break a plate over Sirius' head.

Remus ducked a pillow, looking apologetic. "Ah – Ivy – don't you think you're-,"

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I'M OVERREACTING!"

"Ivy," he began, hand connecting with another book. "Please, just let me ex – _don__'__t throw that!_"

The quill now sticking out from the wall behind him gave me quite a bout of satisfaction. I think I threw my wand in the confusion, because it was now sitting on the couch. Remus saw me move for it, and quickly jumped in my way. He grabbed my shoulders to keep me from moving.

"Please," he began meaningfully. "I'm sorry. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I wouldn't want to talk to something like me-,"

"I'm not mad because of…" I moved my hands, searching for words that wouldn't disclose him to the whole Gryffindor dormitory as a werewolf. "I'm not mad because of what you are. I'm mad because – because you, all _four _of you, are taking an _enormous huge _risk and_–_what are you smiling at?" I stared at Remus.

"Nothing," he said, still smiling slightly.

This put me off quite a bit. Because I can't yell at a smiling Remus. It's just not going to have any affect. So I just stood there blankly, blinking.

"I was being serious," I said in a flat voice. Explosive anger running out now.

"Yes," he said, and smiled wider.

I sighed. Obviously Remus had lost his mind, and that was a waste. Almost sad that my adrenaline was gone, I sighed again and turned towards the stairwells crammed with people.

"_Ultimatum obliterate._"

And thus I was standing in a room full of blinking, momentarily stupefied teenagers who remembered nothing of the past five minutes. Nearly sulking, I walked towards the door. "We'll pick up on this later. Don't think I've forgotten about you, Sirius."

A bout of loud, nervous laughter.

And _oh Merlin _did I just do that?! What if someone saw me go into Gryffindor Tower?

I groaned. I need a…massage…or something. With no masseuse present, I took out another Sugar Quill before remembering that my _stupid wand was still in there. _I turned, aggravated, only to nearly run into the young man who had, apparently, been following me.

"Remus," I said in surprise. He looked less tired than usual, and this small detail made my mood ebb away.

He held up my wand.

"Thank you," I said, noticing how his mouth was twitching, like he was trying not to smile. I stared at him, confused at his sudden change of mood. He set my wand in my hand.

"Ivy," Remus began, leaning down slightly to hold me at eye level. The lightness of his mood faded as he studied me. I decided dimly that he really should back up, soon. "Are you sure I don't scare you?"

"Scare me?" I repeated, shamelessly softening at his tentative demeanour. It wasn't as though he was a raving, foaming-at-the-mouth monster right here and now.

I watched a Hufflepuff girl blink at us as she walked past. Remus saw her too, and wordlessly steered my by the shoulders down a now-familiar doorway. "Are we going into that room that doesn't really exist?"

"The Room of Requirement," Remus reiterated, and I remembered he called it that last time. He stopped me and let me go before appearing in front of me, motioning to the completely door-free brick wall next to us. "Walk back and forth in front of here three times, and picture a room."

"Any room?"

"Whatever you like," he replied, folding his arms and looking, once again, content. I found myself memorizing the expression. Feeling extremely stupid and eyeing him suspiciously, I did what he asked, picturing a simple living room. With Sugar Quills. Boxes and boxes of Sugar Quills.

I almost jumped when the fourth time I turned around, there was a door. Remus walked in first, and if he found anything particularly odd about the boxes lining the walls, he didn't say so. He just sat down and waited for me to take the seat next to him.

By the time I had done so and he had turned back to me, the contented expression had disappeared. "It was me," he said quickly, as though forcing the words. "In the woods. The one who nearly killed you, it was me."

I fidgeted. The kicked puppy look had returned. "I wasn't nearly killed," I assured him, grasping one of his hands. "And as I said before, a wild creature can't be held responsible-,"

"Please don't make excuses for me," he whispered. "James and Peter did the same. Even Sirius, half-dead and - and trying to revive you, said I wasn't to blame. It's too much-," Remus looked away, pained, hurt. "The truth is that I'm irresponsible, and I could have been safely stowed in Hogsmeade, biding my time until daylight yet instead I was on school grounds and I saw you and I wanted to - I wanted-,"

Remus' voice cracked. He seemed so enveloped in sadness, in his own ocean of self-hatred, and I wondered why I had never before seen it. Before I knew it my hands had reached out and touched his shoulders, gingerly, and when he didn't object to the touch I slid onto my knees and pulled him snugly against me. Almost instantly Remus went limp, coiling his arms around my back in the same instance.

A strange liberation filled me. A desire to give. A desire to _soothe _him. I coiled my body around him and felt how _thin _he was, how frail, how in need.

"Even yesterday," he murmured quietly, "I saw you and something snapped-,"

I remembered his behaviour, the unease, the shuddering, all after he had caught me with Morgan.

"It scares me," I admitted. I couldn't lie. "I've - I've never come across a werewolf before, but…you're such a kind person, Remus…" I hugged him a little tighter. "This is a part of you, and I can accept it."

He didn't say much after that. So, sighing, I continued to rattle on pointlessly about things Sirius couldn't know – about how Dumbledore had asked me to be his spy, and about Morgan. I talked about the curly-haired girl who had an affinity for eggs I didn't share, and about Rosier, who I thought would get along quite well with Remus if he wasn't completely dedicated to the Dark Arts and slightly unbalanced. I talked about being worried that the Death Eaters would find me out, about how Severus and I hardly spoke anymore, about how Regulus has been treating me different and about how ridiculously spicy Thursday's chicken was. I told him about my Top Secret Quill Stash behind the house in the wine cellar which no one used, that was absolutely chock full of Sugar Quills and no I had never had a cavity before. The first time he responded was when I mentioned my ridiculously vivid dislike for heights. He carried on a conversation when I breached the subject of Animagi. And by the time we were revisiting the subjects of Morgan and espionage, we were engaged in over an hour of serious talk, him, resting comfortably on the corner seat of the couch, and I perched next to him, resting on my knees.

"And Dumbledore asked this of you?" Remus asked, frowning softly. "It doesn't seem like him to force a young girl-,"

"I wasn't forced," I said, smoothing my skirt. "I accepted the job willingly. You see, regular mortal peril isn't enough for me. I like to double my chances."

He studied me for a moment, smiling faintly at my comment. "But Morgan, on the other hand…" he cast his eyes searchingly around the room. "If I'd known he was forcing himself yesterday…"

"I locked him in a broom closet," I shrugged softly. "I don't understand him. He despises me, that was clear from the get-go."

"And what do you think of him?" Remus asked.

I sighed shortly. I didn't have to contemplate the answer, only how to phrase it. "I could kill him, for all he's done to me, and not feel regret." I poised my hands in my lap and stared down at them. "All holiday he put me through hell, killing muggles, sleeping in the cold, 'testing my limits' as he put it…"

"The holidays?" he repeated, a crease forming in his brow. "You weren't with your family?"

"Mother threw me out," I shrugged softly. "I don't plan to go back."

Remus tilted his head in the same manner a confused dog might. "Ivy…"

"You shouldn't worry for my sake," I said. "I have more than enough funds in Gringotts' to get some sort of flat in London. It shouldn't be too difficult to adapt to Muggle appliances, should it?"

At this, Remus seemed to look even more worried then before. I sighed.

"What about you?" I asked, suddenly curiously. "You're graduating in two months. What are you going to do?"

Remus sighed. "I'd like…to teach." he glanced away. "But it would be foolish of me to set the bar that high. Not many people would hire a werewolf. Even then, the parents and Student Council would never allow it. Perhaps…perhaps I could get by with muggle jobs-,"

"I'd hire you," I said stoutly. "Dumbledore would, too, I bet you."

Remus looked back at me in surprise. "You don't even know if I'd be any good."

"You would be," I said with certainty.

He smiled faintly, leaning closer to me just so he could look at my expression. "You think too highly of me," he murmured. I decided he was much to close and made to move back, except my hand met air and I toppled over the edge of the ground. Remus, who had attempted to grab me was instead pulled with my momentum from the edge of the couch and onto the floor.

Or, rather, onto me.

The first thing that went through my mind was that for a thin person, he was very heavy. Then common sense sank in and I realised he was quite literally breathing down my neck and momentarily frozen, as though just as surprised as I was. Our legs were tangled together; one of my legs was between his and the other was pinned by his knee. His stomach was pressing against my abdominal area and his head was resting on my chest, forehead touching my throat.

And then the pain kicked in.

It _was _a marble floor, after all. My head was reeling. Hissing, I reflexively attempted to curl into myself, groaning slightly. Remus' body made that a bit difficult.

"Ivy," Remus said immediately, like he had been zapped to life. He propped himself up on his elbows, looking slightly out of sorts. "Don't – what's wrong?"

I rubbed the back of my head, squeezing my eyes shut momentarily It surprised me when I felt a hand that was not my own cradle the back of my head soothingly.

"Give it a moment," Remus murmured softly, sounding quite close. I suppose he had to stretch forward slightly to reach my head. "Better?"

I nodded slowly, and felt him rest my head gently back on the floor. When I opened my eyes, he was hovering over me. His face was close. I could see the different colours compiled in his brown eyes, could feel some of his hair dust my cheek. I shivered, and he seemed to feel it, because he shut his eyes for a bare second against the sensation.

I don't remember lifting my head to meet him halfway. I just remember feeling something soft, and warm, brush almost too softly against the corner of my mouth. I reached up and did the same to him, but after a moment slanted my mouth completely across his.

At almost the same time, we draw away from each other.

"I can't." Remus whispered. He was still too close to me. We almost made to kiss again but our mouths didn't touch.

"I can't either," I breathed. After a moment of hesitation, I began to sit up and Remus removed himself from me. We moved away from each other. I swallowed and leant against the couch, trying to dispel the almost drugged feeling that had overcome me.

"I'm sorry," I said, not looking at him.

"Yes," Remus said absently, as though distracted. Clearing my throat and standing up, I shook off the strange pressure forming in my chest and walked to the door.

"I won't tell anyone. Or her."

I didn't wait for an answer before retreating out the door.

* * *

When Morgan rubbed my thigh under the table at lunch – something that was becoming a normal occurrence – I didn't feel the sudden panic that I usually feel. I didn't even look at him. I felt more like crying than anything.

I watched Regulus tip a hefty amount of shepherd's pie onto my plate. He turned back to his Transfigurations book silently.

Everyone around me is changing.

I felt Morgan squeeze my knee slightly.

"Pass the potatoes," I said.

His hand slid up around my stomach. "Bee in your bonnet, love?"

I didn't ask for potatoes again. "Leave me alone," I said absently, and pushed his hand away. I was surprised when he let me do so.

"Miss Black," a voice called behind me. I looked behind me and found, to my surprise, Professor Harwin from Charms. It looked like he'd just stopped on his way up to the Head Table.

I stared at him for a minute before Regulus elbowed me. "Professor," I blurted out.

"Good work in class today," he said brightly.

"…er…thank…you…sir…"

He smiled. "Enjoy your lunch, Miss Black." And then he walked away.

It was the strangest thing that had ever happened to me.

"I think he's looking for a _shag, _lovely," Morgan commented, kissing my neck.

"Not everyone is a wanker like you," I muttered pushing him away. Hands settled on my shoulders. I frowned.

"Hey, there, Black," a chipper voice greeted. I was not impressed.

"Snively," I said flatly.

"You're looking wonderfully adorable today," he observed, twirling a piece of my hair energetically. I ignored him and went back to my shepherd's pie.

"Stop touching her in the next five seconds or you won't have a hand, Snively," Regulus said, staring at him for a long moment until said hand had been removed.

"I can't help it," Snively chirped. "My hands just have a mind of their own."

I continue to ignore him. I was surprised, however, when Morgan spoke up next to me. "What did you say your name was?" he asked, smiling brightly.

Snively blinked a few times, then grinned back. "West Snively," he said, holding out a hand. "You must be the transfer student."

"Indeed I am," Morgan replied, giving his hand a good shake. "I was wondering, Snively; could I have a moment in the hall with you?"

"Sure," Snively replied.

And abruptly, our table was Morgan and Snively-free. Very suspicious.

"Did you see the paper yet today?" Regulus asked next to me, unbothered by the disappearance of the rowdy teens and motioning to the paper in his hand. "Seems we gave the Ministry quite a lot of work to do."

"They're trying to wipe the Muggles' memory, aren't they?" I asked, leaning over to see.

"Good luck with that," Lucius snorted as he and Severus sat down. "The damage has been done. They'll never erase every single Muggles' memory."

"They also have to rebuild the Auror base, and half of the Ministry, for that matter," I scanned the paper, then looked up with a frown. "Do you really think someone's feeding information to the Order?"

"They were expecting us," Severus said. "Both in London and at the Ministry. Someone had to have warned them of our plans. In any case," the pale boy eyed me dryly. "Is there a reason Morgan Black is beating Snively senseless in the halls?"

"What?" I blinked and stood up. On my way out, I felt eyes on me and glanced over reflexively. Remus met my eyes for a brief moment before he glanced away. Sighing heavily, I continued through the doors and looked around, trying to find the two.

I turned a corner, and there they were. Snively was crumpled on the ground, bleeding, and Morgan was standing over him idly fiddling with his wand.

"Morgan!" I began in shock. "What are you _doing?_"

Morgan looked at me. There was something strange in his expression. "Do you know this boy?" he asked, motioning to the beaten Slytherin.

I turned away from him, already hurrying towards the Great Hall. "Professor Slugho-,"

I was stopped, abruptly, by Morgan. He eyed me coldly. "I asked you a question," he said flatly.

"I do know him, not that's it's any concern of yours," I hissed. "What in Merlin's name are you thinking? Fix him!"

"Why?" Morgan drawled. His wand hung idly between his fingers.

"_Why?_" I repeated, bewildered. "Because you messed him up in the first place!"

"You're a fool," he muttered, eyes narrowed. "What sort of spell did you cast over me? Tell me!"

"There is no spell!" I said. "Don't change the sub…"

I trailed off, suddenly aware that there was a wall only inches behind me, and I had been slowly walking backwards to it. Morgan approached me slowly.

"Liar," he whispered. He grasped me by the arms and shook me a little. "You'll soon learn the consequences of toying with me. And once I have forced you to lift this damned hex, I'll do to you what I did to him." Morgan eyed me coldly before he let me go and stalked off, walking over Snively's immobile body as he went.

------------------------------------------------

"Did you get pictures?" Severus asked me, slicing his mandrake root with infuriating ease and skill.

"I didn't get to kill him," my shoulders dropped in disappointment. I prodded a goat's liver, less than enthusiastic about chopping it up. "Sirius just laughed and walked off."

"It was unnecessary for you to go after him," the pale boy next to me continued. "You're cutting that wrong."

"How can I cut it wrong?" I demanded, staring down at the…squishy, black…liver.

"The pieces must all be exactly the same size," Severus sniffed. "You are despicable."

I had been bored this evening, what with Quidditch finals going on and the dorm being completely empty for this reason. And by no means did I want to even think about what had happened…earlier. In fact, there was a growing list of things I didn't ever want to think about ever again.

Thus, I had asked Severus to teach me a new potion. This one was supposed to ease nausea. I didn't know how that was going to work, since here I am, slicing fresh GOAT'S LIVER.

"He was a git to do something like that to you," I muttered, "And I'll tell you where you can put your perfectly cut goat intestine-,"

"You continue to act more like your brother," Severus remarked dryly, sneering at me as he stirred his cauldron in a complicated-looking way without even glancing at it. "Whilst he continues to act more like you."

I looked up at him, and deliberately continued slicing just so I could watch him scowl at the uneven hack job. "About that," I said. "Do you know why he's acting like that?"

"It is not-," he grabbed the knife from me suddenly, hissing, and I looked down at my work to see I'd been very close to chopping off my own hand. "-my business."

I grabbed the knife from him, turned back to my work with a flourish, slipped on some spilt potion, and fell over. My head hit the table with a loud 'thump'.

I groaned. Severus smirked widely. "Sod off," I muttered, pulling myself back up again. Dumping pathetic pieces of liver into my cauldron, I sighed. "You're graduating in two months."

"I hadn't realised," was the silky reply.

"And I'm not."

"Your talent for pointing out the obvious is tremendous."

"I'm going to be stuck here, alone, with Regulus."

"Hn."

"And _Morgan._"

"I sympathize."

I muttered a foul word under my breath and stabbed an innocent ginger root. He was leaving, and so was Lucius, Sirius, Pettigrew, Black, and…Remus. And _then _what am I going to do?

"I hope you fail your NEWTs."

A scoff. "Impossible."

"I'll miss you."

"You'll miss my tutoring."

"There is where you tell me you're going to miss me too."

"Cute."

I wasn't angry with his total and complete lack of empathy, oh no. Instead, I smiled widely as I picked up a mummified newt and 'accidentally' tossed it into his cauldron, causing the crimson potion to become an acid green colour.

And then what did I do? Obviously, I ran. You didn't see him the last time I messed with his potions. Sure enough, halfway up the stairs to the girls' dormitories, a furious yell rang out from behind me.

"IVARIUS!"

I continued up the stairs, feeling a distant pang of amusement, but it didn't last long. I went into my empty dorm room and sat down on my bed, pulling the curtains closed around it. I'd already taken two baths. I'd changed my uniform. There was a goblet on my nightstand; I picked it up and brewed alcoholic butterbeer.

I closed my eyes. The kiss with Remus. The broom closet with Morgan. The threat of being discovered by Death Eaters. The problem with Regulus. The secrets from Sirius. The strange behaviour from my teachers.

I have had three more professors act strangely to me today. Whether it be a kindly greeting in the hall, or unnecessary bonus marks in class, or even turning a blind eye to any misbehaviour on my part. I don't think I can handle any more strange behaviour from anybody.

I am in too deep. I'm stretched in too many directions.

There was a scratching at my door. I went and opened it, and watched the big black dog trot in and sit on my bed. I stared at it for a minute, took a long drink of butterbeer, and shut the door.

"You're Sirius, aren't you?" I said dimly.

Before my eyes, the dog became man, and Sirius rested his head against one of the posts on my bed.

I took another drink.

"I'm sorry I almost killed Snivellus," he said with some reluctance.

"Of course you are."

"But you didn't have to bite my head off about it." Sirius frowned. "He's alive, isn't he?"

"Last I checked."

His eyes narrowed. "What's that you're drinking?" he asked suspiciously.

"Butterbeer," I replied, taking another drink. He slid off the bed and walked up to me – he's much taller than me, I noticed dimly – and took the goblet away. He sniffed it, and scowled.

"You're underage," he scolded.

"You're better at being a mother than mother is," I snorted slightly and conjured another goblet. As my wand swirled through the water, I sighed. "I could never see her telling me I'm underage. It's 'grow a backbone' and 'don't come back', tata, cheerio, fuck off Ivy even Reg thinks its getting old-,"

I'd only taken one drink when the goblet disappeared again. At some point I'd started walking across the room to my chest and sat down on it, watching in bland amusement as Sirius shadowed me.

"You're spouting rubbish," he said, his face darkened.

"It's been a tough day," I swung my legs and mock sighed. "Am I intoxicated?"

He sat down next to me with a large sigh. "It's a bad habit to fall into," he said. "Tell me what's wrong instead."

"Hahaha," I leant my head on his shoulder. "Is it time already for a pity party? And I without my good clothes. I hate Morgan. Evil, senseless, keep your stupid hands to yourself I hate you what you did to me what you put me through, sick bastard, you'd love me to kill you wouldn't you?"

"Ivy," Sirius began with hesitance, placing his hands on my shoulders as though I might jerk back at any second. "Stop it. I'm putting you to bed."

"And you know what's stupid?" I laughed, letting him pick me up in a piggy-back sort of style except I was against his front, not on his back. "I'm in love with a Gryffindor."

He almost dropped me. "You're _what?_"

"Embarrassing, isn't it? Slytherins are much cooler. And green is my colour. Red is definitely not your colour. Poor boy." He dropped me lightly on the bed. "I think Hufflepuff would have been _perfect _for you, just so I could attempt to say it with a straight face, 'Sirius Black is in Hufflep' – pfft," I covered my mouth to stifle the giggles.

"I prohibit you from ever touching another drink in the entirety of your natural life," Sirius muttered.

I smiled at him. "Sirius back is in – in-," more laughing. "What a _manly _name for someone as scary-looking as you, oh great Huffle – _hahaha__…_"

"I've heard enough." He pressed his wand to my temple. "And I'm _not _scary-looking."

Hell yes he was. But still, I folded my hands on my lap patiently. "I'm glad you started talking to me this year."

Sirius looked surprised. He glanced around blankly for a moment. "…so am I," he said eventually.

"Even if it was in your last year. Git."

His face scrunched up a bit and he muttered something under his breath. With a sigh, I feel into a spell-induced sleep. The good, dreamless kind.

* * *

TBC! Okay, so it wasn't changed a WHOLE lot. But the next chapter shall be quite different. Cheerio! 


	17. Black Intentions

**Yo! If you haven't noticed already, I edited! Please go back to last chapter and read my note there for further information. Gracias!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I AM NOT RICH.

* * *

**

**Black Intentions**

I could feel him looking at me.

I pretended to read my book, sitting on the steps outside during free period. I didn't look at him because he would have been ashamed. But the heaviness of Remus' gaze was still on me.

He knew I knew he was staring.

It had been like this for two days. If I saw him, I would catch myself staring at him. The same with him. The pressure of not talking to him, of trying to stay away from him, was building up in my chest. I couldn't stand it. Every time we caught each other's eyes – which was happening more and more often – a funny chill went through me as we looked away.

I could admit it now.

I dearly wanted to kiss Remus Lupin again.

Merlin, at this point, just sitting next to him would be _fine __–_ just as long as this…this suffocating feeling goes away. I want to hear him talking to me. I want to see him _look _at me, not this…this game of avoiding each other's gazes.

Huffing softly, I turned a page with a bit too much fervour – and ripped it out.

My jaw dropped.

I stared at the book in abject horror.

Obviously, this was not my day.

Carefully, I put the page back, apologised mentally to my poor, defiled Advanced Transfiguration text, and stuffed it into my already-heavy bag. I couldn't feel Remus staring at me anymore, and when I glanced over in his direction, I could see him sitting on a bench with Kelsey Brown.

Who was looking at me with a frown.

Merlin, if it's not one thing, it's another –

A funny noise caught my attention. I turned away from the two, looking around, but only saw other students doing normal things. I could still hear the noise, though. I stood there cluelessly for a long minute before walking around the large stone staircase to see somebody curled into the corner, sobbing.

It was the curly-haired girl that used to follow me around. I stared at her. "What is it?" I said in an unintentionally blunt voice, then flinched slightly at my own insensitivity. Why do I even open my mouth?

Curly-haired girl didn't even look up at me. She kept crying, and I was at a loss for what to do. "Er." I began. I sat down next to her. With a wail, she threw herself onto me and clung tightly. Now she was crying into my shirt, and this disturbed me. It wasn't the sort of dramatic crying someone does after they just broke up with their boyfriend of two days, but the sort of crying that people do when their world has just been ripped apart.

I didn't know what to say. This made me upset with myself, because honestly, there had to be something, anything I could say to comfort her and why can't I bring myself to do it?

She was crying so loudly it was attracting attention from others. I looked at her helplessly. "What's wrong?" I asked.

And she screamed. "I want them back! Give them back to me! Please! PLEASE! It's not funny anymore just give them back!" she grabbed me by my cloak and shook me. I don't think she recognised me. "It's a joke, isn't it?! You think you're funny, don't you?! Tell me where they are! I WANT THEM BACK PLEASE GOD I WANT THEM BACK-,"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, trying to dislodge her hands. There were people around us now, watching the scene with wide eyes.

"-KILL ME JUST KILL ME I HOPE YOU DIE TOO I HOPE YOU GO TO HELL FOR WHAT YOU DID-," she'd taken out her wand, but instead of cursing me, she kept slamming its point into me. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to stop her. There was a strange heaviness growing in my stomach.

"Stop it," I said, putting no force into the words.

"-I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME ALIVE! HOW DARE YOU TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME! ALL OF YOU, EVERY ONE OF YOU DESERVES TO DIE YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE, YOU MURDERERS, YOU _**DEATH EATERS!!**_"

There was a collective gasp from the students. I felt the curly-haired girl lean back and blindly point her wand at me. "_CRUCIO!_" she screamed in vain.

And everything was suddenly thrown into painfully sharp perspective.

The girl was pulled off me suddenly by Professor McGonagall. She latched onto the professor as though her life depended on it. McGonagall pat her head, but she was looking at me.

"Miss Trevern is hysterical at the moment," she said. "Please be on your way, Miss Black."

And there was a funny expression on her face as she looked at me. It was a mix of pity and contempt. I stood up blankly, not noticing the looks of apprehension on the faces of my peers. I kept looking at McGonagall and the curly-haired girl.

My bag split. I looked down and watched the books, the parchment, the ink and quills spill onto the ground.

McGonagall led the girl away, and the students around me dispersed, whispering amongst themselves.

_Do you think she's a Death Eater?_

_That bitch. She didn't even care Rebecca was crying. _

_Becca's parents were killed at the London raid._

And then a girl walked up to me. I was still staring at my ink-sodden books.

"You are a terrible person," she said, arms folded. "How _dare _you treat Becca like that. You know, she's been trying to be your friend since third year and you always brushed her off like an annoying little bug. And now her parents are _dead, murdered, _and you can't even have the decency to comfort her!"

I bent down to pick up my books. I had only grabbed one when her foot hit my shoulder. I stared up at her. She glared.

"Don't ignore me!" she snarled. "You think you're fucking better than us?!"

She kicked me again.

And it hurt.

So I sat down and waited for her to continue.

I could feel eyes on me again, and that hurt, too.

_Becca's parents were killed at the London raid._

She kicked me again. I'm sure she was only upset at the situation, terrified of what was happening to the Wizarding World, scared for her friend, Rebecca.

I hadn't even known her name.

_Becca's parents were killed – _

"I'm talking to you!" the girl snapped. I felt something snap under the weight of her heel and gasped, wilting in the pain, but at the same time, laughing.

Ha ha, I'll probably kill her too someday.

_YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE, YOU MURDERERS, YOU **DEATH EATERS!!**_

Hahaha, I eat death. Death Eater. Laughing hurt, it hurt so much I thought I was crying but I was only laughing harder. Hahaha, I think this girl just broke my rib.

_YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE – _

"Wha…" the girl moved back slightly, disturbed by my behaviour. "What's so funny?!"

– _MURDERERS – _

"_Avada,_" I said, watching her recoil like it was the funniest thing in the world. "_Avada kedarva._ Hahaha…"

She's scared and I'm not even holding my wand. What, she thinks the words are going to kill her?

_- YOU **DEATH EATERS!!**_

"What," I heard a dark voice hiss, "The _hell _are you _doing?_"

He must be scary because the girl who kicked me is stammering, and she sounds scared, and that's funny, too. I hear her scamper off quickly and suddenly someone is infront of me.

"Ivy," a voice growls, and its either Sirius or Regulus but I can't see them properly because my eyes just won't focus right. "What was that girl doing?"

"Madame Pomfrey," I said, grinning, and pointing to where I thought my ribs are. I felt a hand move over the bones and laughed, laughed so hard I was crying, cried so hard I was laughing.

"Ivarius," said another, softer voice, and I didn't like hearing that voice so I pretended I didn't.

"Is she alright?" a girl's voice asked, and I definitely knew who that was, so the fellow prodding me must be Sirius.

"I didn't even know her name was Rebecca," I snorted loudly and waved the book sitting in my hands. "Books got dirty."

"_Ivy, look at me. Now._"

I blinked. Sirius' face, half obscured by layers of black hair, stared back at me angrily. His tone scared me. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. "Why didn't you get away from that girl?"

And I couldn't say because the pain sort of felt good. Because he'd think I was a masochist and I was going to slit my wrists or something equally as absurd. And because I felt guilty about liking the pain already.

So I said, "She was upset," even though it was a bad excuse and Sirius' eyes were narrowing at me and I felt extremely light-headed. There were spots in my vision.

_Becca's parents were killed at the London raid._

"You bloody-,"

"I need to go to the hospital wing," I said, because I thought I was going to pass out and I could barely see him again. "Now. Right now."

"Sirius, I think she's…bout to…ut…"

* * *

"Stress. Lots and lots of stress."

"Who brought her here?"

"Your brother did."

"_He _did?"

My stomach ached. I couldn't move my head for fear of dizziness. My chest felt heavy, and I was hot. I groaned softly.

"Ivy?" a voice murmured. It was Regulus. He touched my hand and I weakly grasped his fingers. I felt ill.

"She's already been here for five hours," I heard Madame Pomfrey say. "And she's not leaving until she's fully rested. Her blood pressure is incredibly high."

Regulus' hand was nice and cold. I pressed it to my forehead and sighed softly. I could feel someone fooling with my hair. Another hand was rubbing my side.

"If you three would stop molesting her," Severus' dry voice sneered.

"I'm _not _molesting her," Regulus' voice was in sync with another voice. Lucius?

"I am," Morgan's tone was smug.

"Boys." Madame Pomfrey's no-nonsense voice. "Mr Black, put this in her mouth. It dissolves."

I felt my mouth pushed open. Something sour and round dissolved in a matter of seconds. I shivered. "That should help with the nausea. It doubles as a tranquilizer, so I suggest you four leave her to sleep…"

The voices faded to white noise. I was soon asleep.

* * *

"Madame," I muttered, having woken up not five minutes ago, groggy, staring up at the dark ceiling. "Perhaps I should move in. Less hassle for the both of us, don't you agree?"

"Take this," Madame Pomfrey said, sticking a spoon in my mouth. It tasted mighty awful. I shuddered involuntarily as the thick, syrupy concoction slid down my throat. Madame Pomfrey seemingly ignored my earlier comment and brandished a finger in my direction. "You, young lady, have been in this bed without waking for almost three days-,"

"_Three days?"_

"-and I hope you take this experience into consideration the next time you go gallivanting about, driving your blood pressure up, up, up-,"

"Are you implying this is _my _fault?"

"-don't even think I won't have you rested and completely healthy before you leave this time around, Miss Black! I'm assigning you another two days-,"

"_Another _two days?"

"-to recuperate and Merlin help me if I find you out of that bed for even one split second!"

Madame and I glared at each other for a moment. Then Madame Pomfrey stuck another spoon into my mouth.

"Gaaagh," I gagged, pulling the spoon from its less-than-comfortable place lodged in the back of my throat.

"In any case," Madame Pomfrey continued, apparently much calmer now that she had tortured me a little. "You have visitors. I'm only giving you five minutes," she warned.

"Ugh," was my disgusted reply. I was too preoccupied with the medicine.

"And don't you _even think _of getting out of that bed," Madame Pomfrey looked rather satisfied (in my opinion) as she turned away and walked to the big Hospital Wing doors. I sighed and stared out the great windows across the room - before it occurred to me that night had fallen. Three days, I'd been here already. And why should I bother with Madame's advice, in any case? From my position in the bed, it was impossible to see the moon, and I wanted to look -

"Don't you think you should be lying down?" a cold voice asked. I glanced to my left, half-noticing that I had crawled to the foot of my sick bed and was leaning forwards to search for the moon in the night sky. I leaned back quickly when I recognised Morgan. I stared at him, wary. But not scared.

Why was I not scared?

Morgan didn't look threatening in that moment. Right then, I saw him not as a Death Eater. He was something else. He was a frowning, serious-looking, dark young man. Why did he look like that to me now?

Morgan gazed back at me evenly. The moonlight caught on the folds of his uniform and the planes of his face. Just a normal person, I thought numbly.

"Pomfrey told me there was a chance of you waking today." Morgan held my gaze. I was still trying to figure out why his presence didn't trigger fear or trepidation and simply stared back. Morgan huffed softly, but didn't look away. He didn't move, either. "Are you quite sane now?" he asked critically.

"Yes," I said faintly. "Yes…quite sane."

He nodded shortly; a quick jerk of his head.

"And your ribs?"

I had forgotten about the injuries. Gingerly, I tested my fingers against them, but felt no responding twinge of pain. "Healed," I said quietly.

Again, a tight nod. "I wouldn't care in any other circumstance," Morgan said shortly, body still rigid as stone. "I should be criticising your weakness. Whatever curse you've cast, I admit it's strong."

I couldn't bring myself to be riled, or even offended anymore at his ridiculous claim that I had hexed him. "There is no spell, Morgan," I murmured, lacklustre.

"You must be mistaken," Morgan replied tightly.

I paused. I took in his sharp stance, so different from the usual relaxed, sadistic demeanour. There was something wrong with him. He _knew _I hadn't cast any sort of curse, and so why was he insisting I had?

Perhaps he had feeling; somewhere in that black shell that was his soul. Perhaps he didn't know what to do with it, how to identify it, or even what to call it other than a curse. Was it even possible? Did he _know _how to feel?

And why did I feel pity? I hated Morgan…

"Maybe you're right," the words spilled out of me. _Why was I appeasing him? _"Perhaps I've simply forgotten."

Morgan turned on his heel. "I will overcome this curse," he said simply, "However well you created it, I am a superior wizard to you. Don't expect to affect me so for much longer."

At that moment, Madame Pomfrey reappeared, heels clicking madly. "Alright, that's enough for tonight! I still had another medication to give you, young - MISS BLACK! _What are you doing, sitting up in bed like that? _What did I tell you not five minutes ago, you silly girl?"

"Technically, Madame," I leant back against my pillows, hesitantly giving in to the sense of unsteadiness wracking my joints. "I haven't yet gotten out of bed. Surely you-,"

"Oh, hush!" Madame Pomfrey clucked her tongue, shaking a number of small tablets onto the nightstand and sorting through them. "On my word, never a sharper tongued bunch as the Black family-,"

"It's a hereditary disease."

Madame Pomfrey huffed and grumbled and alternated between sorting tablets and fussing over my pillows. All the while, Morgan stood still, head tilted a little and watching from the corner of his eye. Finally Madame Pomfrey dropped three acid green tablets into my hand and told me to take them all at once to get it over with. I eyed her suspiciously for a moment even as she busied herself with putting the rest of the multicoloured things back into their jar.

I didn't like the way she added 'to get it over with' at the end of her directions. "It isn't poison, is it?"

"Miss Black! I have half a mind to-,"

It wasn't worth being chewed out to such an extreme. I stuck all three caplets into my mouth, chewed, and swallowed. Then I braced myself.

For a moment, nothing happened.

Then, there was an odd sensation as though someone had knocked the breath out of me and poured ice down my back all at once. I made a strangled noise and sunk back against the pillows.

"They lower your blood pressure dramatically," Madame said smugly. "You'll feel weak like that for a while - two days, in fact."

I tried to glare at her, but it took to much effort. I felt like a leaf, thin and unstable, weak, and breathing seemed to come in cold, long inhales that filled my lungs disturbingly before being pushed back out once again. I felt very tired.

Dimly, I saw Madame Pomfrey turn and notice Morgan. "You're still here? I'm afraid you'll have to leave. Miss Black is no longer in condition for visitors."

For a brief moment, Morgan didn't move. Then I heard footsteps, and a door being shut, and Madame murmuring something softly before it all faded to darkness.

* * *

I lazed in bed for another two days, practically a lump of useless flesh from all the drugs Madame Pomfrey gave me. It was like I was stuck in a never-ending pool of lethargy and basically all I accomplished, despite the mountain of homework that Severus had stacked next to my bed, was to take up space in the Hospital Wing. Severus and Regulus visited before class each day. I never saw Remus, nor had I expected him to come even though it depressed me a little, but I was surprised when I woke up in the afternoon after one of my frequent naps to find a Chocolate Frog sitting on top of the stacks of homework. Sirius hung about the door of the Hospital Wing as though deciding whether or not to come inside. I saw him many times, skulking about when the door was ajar but never quite entering. I was nervous when I saw him there, because I couldn't decide myself whether I wanted to see him or not, after…that. Was it embarrassment? I didn't know. But I was uncomfortable with the thought of seeing him.

Morgan didn't visit again, either. I wasted little thought over it.

Finally, it was Friday afternoon and Madame hadn't given me any sort of medication for the past five hours, and I was feeling like an actual person again as opposed to a bag of organs. Madame Pomfrey checked me over, eyed me critically, and reluctantly released me from her evil clutches. From the look in her eye I would say she was considering 'accidentally' injuring me again just to bring more torture into my life, but she resisted any temptation and shooed me off the premises.

Regulus had free period in the afternoon. So he'd be in the Quidditch Pitch. But first, a bath.

I walked to the Slytherin common room and went upstairs to Regulus' room, because the tub is currently out of commission in my room. That, and the door was locked, and I couldn't remember the new password Amber wanted us to use to get in. She was slightly paranoid. So I went into the dorm and hurried into the washroom, filling the bath with hot water and red bubbles and stripping quickly. I stepped in, feeling the warmth shoot through my body, and eased into the tub, shutting my eyes.

Remus was not one to be unfaithful.

I knew this. He was too…honest. He was too good a person for that. And that incident earlier this week probably tears him up. I don't want to make him miserable by any means. I don't want to be the cause of a break in his relationship when he and I could never logically be together anyways. I'm Slytherin, for one thing. I'm also a Death Eater, and Remus is also part of a group that _my _friends hate with a passion. Additionally, Morgan would do something drastic if he ever found out. And if the Death Eaters found out, they would know for sure I'm the traitor.

So that's a no.

And right after this bath I'm going to have to find Regulus and tell/show him I'm fine, and spend some time with him, because I don't really know what to do with the boy considering this drastic attitude change. Should I just ask him why he's acting strange? I don't think he'd appreciate it. But there has to be a good reason. Was what Sirius said true? He thought his siblings were dead that night? Is _that _why he's being like this?

I popped a bubble and immediately a fragrance of peppermint filled the air. I popped another one, and the same thing happened.

Why do the boys get the better bubble bath?!

I sunk lower in the water, idly popping bubbles, and rubbed my neck. The smell of peppermint was almost overpowering now, and thus I decided it was high time to get out, especially before class ended and Regulus' roommates came barging in here.

I quickly dried myself off and put my clothes back on, then glanced in the small mirror and was almost surprised by the…the _thing _looking back at me. The ghost of a person. Colourless cheeks, and such flat, dead eyes that I was surprised at myself. I shook my head quickly as though to dispel this strange person and made exaggerated faces in the mirror to assure myself that it was real. Then I pinched my cheeks firmly to get some colour going, because I didn't want to appear like some spectre.

I was healthy. I was a healthy young student, not a criminal wasting away.

I can believe it for now.

Turning, I left after stealing some of Reg's socks and a pair of his shoes (he has ridiculously small feet) and going outside. It was pleasantly warm as I walked around, even though the day was overcast. I felt very good at this point, walking around, doing human-being things instead of lump-of-flesh things like sleeping and breathing. I made my way to the Quidditch Pitch to see Regulus, expecting to find him practising alone or perhaps with some other Slytherins.

But Regulus wasn't there.

Potter was.

I peered up at the black dot in the sky, recognisable only by the messy hair and glinting glasses. No one else was in the Quidditch pitch, and seeing Regulus wasn't here and I had no other reason to stay, I turned to leave.

"Oi!" Potter had apparently caught sight of me. His voice got progressively louder as they got closer. "Slytherin! Spying on the winning team, are we-,"

I turned to face Potter. He trailed off loosely. "Oh," he began curiously. He smiled slightly. "Black."

"I was looking for Regulus," I said, eyeing the broomstick in his hand with distaste. Potter caught me staring at it and grinned. "Sorry to bother you."

"That's alright," Potter said. His smile had become more comfortable, and yet I stared back without comprehending. Potter and I hardly knew each other, why was he being so friendly? "Padfoot told me you were in the Hospital Wing. All better, then, I suppose?"

"Yes," I answered politely. It was almost an automatic reaction to do so. "Again, I'm sorry to bother you during your-," I eyed his broomstick again with distrust, "-practise. See you."

I turned and began to walk away. I had only gone three steps, however, before Potter's voice stopped me again.

"Ever ridden a broomstick, Black?" he asked with no small amount of amusement.

I paused, turned, and frowned at him. "Regulus gives me the odd misfortune."

"So I've seen," Potter admitted, looking unconcerned. "But have you ever _ridden _one? As in _flown _on one? Of your own free will-,"

"_No,_" I gasped, horrified. The very idea sent shivers down my spine.

"Oh, come now," Potter 'tsk'ed and grinned, even as he let go of his broomstick so that it hovered (ominously) next to him. "It's not _all _bad, you know. Why don't you give it a try?"

"_No!"_

Potter rolled his eyes. "I'll be sitting _with _you-,"

"Pardon me if I don't jump for joy!"

"It's not like you're going to fall off."

"You don't know that!"

Potter climbed onto the broom, and waved me over. I stoutly crossed my arms. "You're my best mate's sister," he explained, sounding very sure of himself, the prat. "I'm not going to let you fall, so stop being _girly _about it and come here."

_Girly _about it? _Girly?! _I have half a mind to -

"And don't think I'm above dangling you twenty feet above ground," Potter's brows rose appraisingly.

I glared at him and marched over, stiff. "Do you always torture people for fun?" I snapped rigidly whilst mounting the broom directly behind Potter.

"As a relative to a Marauder, and also because the rest of us have no siblings, I have thusly decided to go about adopting you. In the proper, brother-tortures-sister manner." Potter glanced back at me with wicked amusement. "All set?"

"No," I muttered. "And I don't _need _any more brothers, thankyouverymuch - AGH!"

Next thing I knew we were _gone, _up in the air, risking our lives -

Potter stopped the broom abruptly and hovered. I clutched at him for dear life.

"Oh, I hate you," I yelled, terrified. "Hate you! Hate you with my dying breath!"

Potter puffed his chest proudly. "Then I'm doing my job!"

"YOU BLOODY BROOMSTICK-FLYING MESSY-HAIRED COCKY GIT! I DON'T NEED ANOTHER BROTHER! PLAY PRETEND WITH SOMEBODY ELSE!"

"I already told you," Potter chirped, rubbing his ringing ears without worry. "None of the other Marauders _have _siblings."

I was seriously considering whether to kill him of not. But then the broom would crash. Potter swung his legs, still in good humour. "I have to get to know you," he shrugged, looking back at her. His amused grin turned into a warm smile. "You've done a lot for my best mate. Sirius made it a point to get to know Lily. It's only fair that I get to know his most important person, too."

I mouthed wordlessly for a moment, perhaps out of sorts with being associated with "doing a lot" for Sirius and being called his "most important person". It also might have been because my feet weren't even close to touching the ground.

"Oh," I said, thrown off. Then I frowned. "Did you have to trap me hundreds of feet above ground for this plan?"

"It's not _hundreds,_" Potter snorted. "For a Death Eater, you're certainly a coward."

"I don't like heights! If you had my brothers for brothers, you'd be traumatized too!" I paused suddenly. Hesitation filled me. "Where is Sirius, by the way?"

Potter contemplated the question, scanning the school grounds. He glanced at his watch.

"Great Hall," he answered with utter conviction. Apparently Sirius was not one to miss a meal. "Why? I thought you were looking for-,"

"I need to speak with both of them," I said plainly. I sighed. "But I think Sirius might be the more pressing matter this time around."

Potter turned on the broom and eyed me. He was frowning, but his expression was more curious and thoughtful than disproving. "You really stretch yourself thin between those two. Running around all the time to keep both of them happy." he frowned seriously this time. "You know, sooner or later you're going to have to pick a side, and stick with it."

"Things are going fine," I said firmly.

Potter shrugged. The broom slowly careened downwards. "I might've agreed a few days ago," he admitted. "But where have you been for the last week?"

I cast my eyes downwards. "Things are going fine," I repeated. "Thank you for the…ride."

I left, feeling oddly zapped of energy. I didn't know which brother I wanted to find first. I didn't know which one needed me more. But I walked towards the school anyways, and whatever would come, would come.

My feet led me to the Great Hall, and yet I couldn't bring myself to enter. I peeked through the threshold at the Gryffindor table and searched timidly for a head of trim black hair but found none. Why was I nervous, anyways? So Sirius hadn't visited me in the Hospital Wing. Surely he had more important things to do then bother with his sister, especially when that sister visits the Hospital Wing on a regular basis. It wasn't as though it was _rare _or _shocking _in any way at all, but then again the purpose behind this Hospital Wing visit was perhaps more reason for concern.

Where was he, anyways?

"Ivy," said a voice from behind. I jumped slightly as Regulus walked up next to me, looking surprised. "All better?"

I nodded and took his arm as he walked into the Great Hall. Regulus led me down to an empty part of the Slytherin table and sat down. "Let's get some food into you," he said, taking the plate that appeared before me and turning his attention to the food. There was an odd look about him, one that I had noticed in passing during his visits throughout the week. A funny look, like he was subdued.

"What's wrong?" I asked. Regulus paid more attention to the shepherd's pie than to me. Subdued was definitely the right word.

"Eat up," he said simply. No taunting, no attitude. Nothing.

He set the plate back down and slowly I ate, watching him in confusion. "Regulus-,"

"Just eat," he said again, and smiled briefly in my direction before turning back to a parchment he had set upon the table. There was one arm lying between it and me, so I couldn't see what he was paying such avid attention to as he wrote.

Weird, weird, weird. I didn't trust it. Luckily Severus sat down just then. Regulus hastily stuffed the parchment back into his bag.

"I see you've rejoined the living," Severus observed smartly. "Madame Pomfrey said this could happen again at any time."

"And so we decided a few things," Regulus continued. Abruptly he was back to his normal, energised self as though he had never been any other way.

I feel a healthy amount of dread at the thought of these two being left to decide anything for me.

They continued to tell me that they will be monitoring my meals from now on, and that I have a curfew of ten o'clock. I must eat only two to three Sugar Quills a day instead of my current eight to ten and refrain from having any kind of socialization with the other houses other than what is strictly necessary. I may not do any extra credit work from now on and also I must visit Madame Pomfrey every Friday to check my blood pressure.

I wondered briefly if I should be taking notes.

"That's a lot to remember," I said after making sure they're finished.

"Here," Regulus handed me a parchment which has every rule on it that they've given me. I sighed deeply.

"Really," I said, grateful for their concern, but at the same time, tired of being looked down upon. Although I supposed I deserved it. I got hurt more often than all of them combined. "All this isn't necessary, is it…?"

"Of course it is," Regulus said with a certain amount of finality.

"Very well," I figured my thoughts on the matter didn't hold much against these two. I popped a strawberry into my mouth. "Is there anything I missed?"

Severus, working on some Arithmancy, sat up from his doubled over position with raised brows. "Morgan predicts you'll soon have your first solitary mission, somewhere in Godric's Hollow."

Regulus' expression soured briefly. I looked at him curiously. He quickly reassembled his look into a haughty eye-roll. "I hope its before end of term," he said irritably. "Mum would _hate _to have you absent from the usual succession of summer balls-,"

For a moment, I was startled. Out of utter surprise, words I hadn't expected to tell him so bluntly fell from my mouth. "I'm not going back there."

Hell. Oh, hell. Quickly I looked back at my plate and cut into my spaghetti, ducking my head and silently praying that both Severus and Regulus had gone temporarily deaf -

"What?" Regulus said, sounding more confused that anything.

I glanced nervously up. Severus was eyeing me with obvious suspicion. I swallowed and twirled my fork around the plate. "I'm not going back home," I said, my voice wavering. Why did my decision feel so stupid in front of these two? "I want nothing to do with Mum anymore."

"You're not _serious?_" Regulus spluttered.

I knew where this was leading. I didn't think I could handle arguments. "I'm very serious," I mumbled softly, getting up from my seat. "See you."

I hurried out of the Great Hall with my head down. I was sure Regulus would follow, but when I glanced back, Severus was glaring at Regulus, who was half-in, half-out of his chair. I picked up my pace, unsure of how long Severus could convince him to leave me alone.

Of course, the instant I was out of the Great Hall, I hid behind the doors and looked again to the Gryffindor table. Finally I caught sight of Sirius' black head of hair sitting somewhere in the middle, now with Potter's much messier head next to him, Pettigrew's blonde, cropped cut was across the table, and there was Remus' shaggy brunette, paired with the silky strawberry blonde of Kelsey Brown.

I considered my options. I really, really wanted to talk to Sirius. At least to see what he thought of me now, if he considered me a crazy old bat or what. I shuffled through the pockets of my uniform, the one I'd worn before I had gone to the Hospital Wing. Inside I found a piece of parchment. A very old, very blank piece of parchment that I could have sworn was the very parchment I'd used to communicate with the Marauders when I first became a Death Eater. I held it against the wall and smoothed out the crinkles. Tentatively, I found a quill that wasn't made of sugar and wrote a sentence.

_Is Sirius there?_

Once written, the worse dissolved to nothingness. I glanced back into the Great Hall. All four Marauders started a bit as though something had surprised them. Each took out a piece of parchment about the same size as mine and smoothed it out on the table just as I had. I saw them read, then glance about. Sirius said something quietly to Potter, whose reply was just as quiet. They looked around the Great Hall, most likely at the Slytherin table, but I knew they didn't find who they were looking for. Remus said something to Sirius, a frown crossing his soft mouth. Next to him, Kelsey Brown looked confused and started to ask something. Pettigrew started to nod quickly, however. At the same time, all the Marauders but Sirius put their pieces of parchment away.

I could see Sirius staring down at the parchment, a worrisome frown across his lips. Potter grasped his shoulder and shook him cheerfully, but the furrow in my brother's brow did not disappear.

I teetered with indecision for a moment, then raised my quill again.

_Are you quite angry with me?_

I saw Sirius jump again and removed his hand from the parchment as though it'd burned him. I wondered if they'd charmed the parchment to heat up when someone wrote a message. Sirius read the parchment again, and this time, held it up for Potter to see with an almost angry expression. Kelsey Brown again seemed to ask a question, but Remus said something to her, and she was quelled. Pettigrew piped up and seemed to tell Sirius to write back, because promptly Sirius stole a quill from Remus and etched words on the parchment.

I yelped in surprise and almost dropped my quill and parchment. It was _hot. _Quickly, I looked at the note.

_Where are you?_

Now this brought about problems. I quite liked talking at such a distance, it was much more preferable than actually talking to his _face. _Nonetheless, problems must of course be resolved, and if this was the way to do it, then there was nothing I could do.

_Greenhouse 5._

After I was finished writing, I stuffed the note back in my pocket and hurried towards the castle entrance. Greenhouse 5 was in maintenance at the moment, and so would be the only Greenhouse I knew to be empty. Not only that, but it was full of well-behaved plants and so was usually unlocked. Outside it was predictably warm and sunny, which should have lifted my spirits, but only served to make me more depressed. I found greenhouse 5 and went in, only to be soothed by the humidity. I sat down on a bench, and for the first time, felt unspeakably embarrassed about what had happened.

What would I say? What would _Sirius _say?

I hadn't the time to think on it, however, because Sirius came in at that very moment.

Perhaps "came in" is too civil a term. "Rushed in", perhaps, or "flew in" might cover it. Sirius glanced around the greenhouse, frowning deeply before he finally spotted me and came over.

"Why would you think that?" he demanded instantly, grasping my head. "Why would you even think I'd be angry?"

This was rather opposite of what I'd expected to happen. "I - er - I-,"

"Merlin, Ivy," Sirius' shoulders dropped. "Don't you know anything?"

"I guess not-,"

"You're alright, though, aren't you?" There seemed to be a thousand different things Sirius was determined to cover in a matter of minutes. "I mean - you're not - there's nothing _wrong, _is there - Madame Pomfrey wouldn't-,"

"No," I interrupted, feeling desperately and ridiculously relieved that he wasn't mad. I didn't know if I could handle another argument. "No, nothing like that. I'm sorry for worrying you. Everything's alright."

Sirius paused mid-sentence from whence I had interrupted and seemed to eye me as though weighing the legitimacy of my words. He searched my eyes for some sort of hint of madness, and rattled my head a bit as though expecting to hear a broken piece tinker against the sides. His dark eyes narrowed slightly. "You look _horrendous._"

"Thank you," I muttered sullenly.

Sirius paused a bit, then released a slight grin. It didn't reach his eyes enough to be natural, and I remained slightly wary. If he wasn't angry, then why was he looking at me like that for?

"I'm sorry," I began hesitantly. "For - what happened. I don't like you to worry-,"

"Rubbish," Sirius leaned back, still eyeing me in that probing way. "Rubbish, Ivy. You're no _trouble _to me, and I don't want to hear apologies out of your mouth every other minute. Additionally I'm allowed to worry over you and that's out of your control so stop fretting over _that, _while you're at it." He cocked his head to the side, almost-scowled. His face looked almost pained. "Aren't you eating?"

Guilt. "I - yes-,"

"You need to eat _well,_" he said firmly. "You're not healthy, Ivy. What if…_it _happens again?"

"I'll take it easy," I sighed softly and traced an imaginary pattern on my skirt with my finger.

Sirius seemed unwilling to push the subject any further. He glanced away, searching blindly across the room, before he brought his gaze back to me. "Do you know what's wrong with Moony?" he asked finally.

"Hah?" Unprepared, I blinked confusedly. "Er…no."

"He's miserable, and he won't admit it," a crease formed on Sirius' brow. He looked up at me, frowning. "Will you talk to him? Won't listen to a word we say, acting all oblivious-,"

"I'm sure his girlfriend is looking after him," I insisted hastily.

"Girlfriend…" Sirius took a moment to remember any such girlfriend. "Oh. Her. I doubt she's noticed. Moony keeps her at arm's length most times, I'm sure you can guess why."

This didn't make sense to me. "Then why have a girlfriend in the first place?"

Sirius shrugged distantly and leant against the glass wall, running a hand absently through his hair. His eyes grew distant. "No one wants to be lonely, Ivy."

In the distance, I heard the bell for class ring. I hopped off my stool and followed Sirius to the door. He turned back and ruffled my hair. "As long as you're better," he said with finality. "Don't _scare _me like that next time."

I managed a small smile back. "I won't." I watched him wave and walk out to head back towards the castle. I waited a few minutes before coming out myself and walking down to Potions.

I walked automatically to my usual desk in the middle of the room, only to find that someone had occupied the usually empty chair next to mine.

I drew up short, hesitated, wondered if it was too late to turn and head towards the back of the classroom -

As if he could feel my stare, Morgan tilted his head slightly in a same lazy manner as the rest of his slouched posture, and stared at me through blank hazel eyes. "Come sit," he said quite simply, and pulled out the chair next to him.

Slowly, I approached the table, watching him the entire time with apprehension. My fearlessness of him from our last meeting seemed to have faded a bit. Slowly, I sat down and frowned at him, but Morgan only responded with the same flat look before staring towards the front of the class as Slughorn made his appearance. His arm rested languidly over the back of my chair. Tense, I felt his hand reach up, set itself on my shoulder, and sit there firmly as though he expected me to try to leave.

It hurt.

"Alright, ladies, gentlemen, settle down," Slughorn waved his wand towards the board. "Today's potion is the Skelegrow concoction that I'm sure a number of you Quidditch players are familiar with." There were some groans about the room. "Well, let's hop to it!"

As soon as he was finished, I began to lean forwards to slice the ginger root, but Morgan's hand sharply yanked me back into place. He let go, then, and I watched with trepidation as Morgan took the ginger root from my side and began cutting it silently, without another glance in my direction.

…alright, then. I glanced to the chalkboard again and read through the instructions. The next step was to add Bubotuber puss, which was on the far shelf of the classroom -

I tried to stand up, but Morgan dug his heel into my toe sharply and so I flopped back down, irritated. "Stop it," I said to Morgan.

Morgan paused in his ginger root slicing and glanced at me. He reached out and touched my chin with one finger. "Sit there," he said smoothly. "And watch me."

I didn't particularly want to sit there and watch him, but every time I tried to help my toes would end up suffering greatly. By the end of class, I hadn't done one thing to help in the making of this potion. Morgan started and finished it all on his own, and it turned out perfectly. Slughorn gave the both of us top grades, and when I began to explain, my toes were once again smushed to the floor.

I was limping slightly on my way out the door, but trying hard to let go of my anger because it was simply too much for me to handle at the moment. I left with every intention of hightailing it to the sweet, Morgan-free Charms classroom, but unfortunately I was once again accosted. Speak of the devil.

"You look rather in pain," Morgan noticed coolly. His hand was gently as it slid against my cheek, but I was so unused to being touched in such a way that I recoiled.

"I wonder why that is," I retaliated wearily.

"If you would have obeyed me," Morgan answered softly, leaning closer. I slid around the statue of Circe in an attempt to get away from him. "Then I wouldn't have to punish you."

Morgan didn't seem up to my game of cat and mouse. He grabbed both my forearms and held me still against the statue. His grip hurt.

"I don't want to fight you," I said helplessly.

"I don't want to hurt you," Morgan replied. "Stop resisting."

"But-," Morgan was very good at distracting, his nose tracing the curve of my ear. He pulled firmly at my tie. "But - I don't -," His lips traced a line from my ear to the conjuncture at my neck. Panicking, I set both hands on his chest and pushed. "Morgan, stop," I whispered. He didn't budge.

"I don't want to hurt you," Morgan murmured. His mouth mouthed against my throat. "But I will."

I pushed as hard as I could. "Just leave me alone-," I whimpered as he bit me, hard and sharp for my 'disobedience'. I grimaced, staring blindly over Morgan's shoulder and wishing he'd just go away -

When a flash of black caught my attention. I glanced down the corridor. There stood Remus, half in, half out of the Muggle Studies classroom, turned in our direction.

I never imagined the day when I would see such a cold, dark expression across his face. He stared solely at Morgan. I jumped back to the present when Morgan's mouth pressed firmly over mine

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Remus straighten and stalk quietly toward us.

* * *

TBC. 


	18. Fever

_A/N: Oh my goodness! An update! Doth mine eyes decieve me? Indeed they do not!_

**Fever**

What was he doing? What was he doing? He wasn't slowing down, or turning down the other halls, and his eyes were glued to the back of Morgan's head. For one moment, his eyes slipped upwards and met my gaze. Something flashed across his face in that moment and quickly I yanked back, breaking away from Morgan's lips with renewed determination.

Morgan's hand pushed against my throat. The back of my head ground uncomfortably against the stone and forced me to look at Morgan's brown eyes, so cold and empty and dark and _confused_ -

I pressed a hand over my mouth and shut my eyes. What do I do? Morgan was right here, demanding my attention, but there was Remus, and he was coming towards us, and these two were two separate worlds and entities, never meant to meet, and what do I do in this situation, who am I supposed to address?

Morgan's mouth opened to say something, but then Remus was upon us. He paused some feet away from the statue with flat, dark eyes. Darker than I'd ever seen them. Only when he spoke did Morgan take notice of his presence.

"No soliciting in the corridors," Remus murmured. He didn't even look at me. For a moment, I didn't understand why he'd said that, until I noticed for the first time the small 'P' pinned onto his robes. It was visible for only a moment before Remus turned away like a simple, passing stranger and went on his way.

I looked quickly to Morgan, unable to hide my fear that he would find something offensive from Remus' words and follow him, hurt him, but he paid no attention to Remus. He was frowning at me. I couldn't take much more of this, not at all. I don't want him kissing me, taking those special moments that weren't his and - and touching me - and now, Remus, I don't know what I'm doing -

Morgan's brow creased. He pushed the hair from my face slowly, almost warily. "Put your hand down," he said.

I shook my head quickly, and before he could say another word, broke away from him. He didn't hold me down this time, but I didn't think on it even as I shuffled quickly down the corridor, my eyes set shamefully on the floor. I ran a hand through my hair and shuddered slightly. I can't _take _this with everything else, I just couldn't.

I turned down another corridor. Almost immediately, a figure detached itself from the shadows and pulled me swiftly into a small nook behind one of the more extravagant suits of armour. I whirled around as the hands released me, set on escaping whosoever had a bone to pick with me _now, _but froze halfway through squirming.

Silently, Remus reorganised my tousled hair into some semblance of presentability. His hands were precise and achingly professional, and his expression was so…_blank _I didn't know what to do. I had thought I'd seen all his faces and his moods, from pleased to fearful to desperately sad. But he had surprised me twice today; he had looked cold when he'd approached me not five minutes earlier, and now, he looked - as though he was holding himself back somehow.

The collar had been clinically readjusted. Remus' fingers traced purposefully to the first undone button of the two. Shadows etched his face into obscurity. He said nothing.

Some part of my brain caught up with the situation, and I dropped my gawking eyes to his chest with shame. My cheeks burned. "Remus…I…I'm so sorry you had to - to see-,"

Remus moved to the second open button and closed it with the same blank expression. I trailed off uncertainly at his lack of emotion. "Remus…?"

His eyes seemed to absorb the shadows as they stared down with the air of one applying absolute concentration to his task. I remained still, gazing searchingly at his face for some kind of hint about what he was thinking, but there was nothing. Finished with the buttons, the sandy-haired Gryffindor caught my loose tie in his fingers with every intention of righting it. Never once did he look at my face, as though his hands had him mesmerised. Finally, he drew back. His hands resigned themselves to his sides.

I stared up at him, confused.

"How are you feeling?" he asked finally, not once glancing to my face. "You're pale."

"I'm alright," I said slowly. "Madame released me this morning..." I trailed off. Remus had not managed to hide his frown quick enough to escape my notice. "What is it...?"

"You're pale," Remus repeated gently, his face smoothing of any negative emotion. Impassively, he adjusted my collar a second time. "You're starting to get a fever. It's not right of him to..." he paused, allowing me to fill in the blanks, "...when you've just recovered."

"I don't think he much cares, Remus," I said gently, wondering why I felt the need to break such a statement to him gently.

"Please don't say that," Remus whispered. "It's hard enough as it is."

"What's hard?" I asked. His hands stopped fooling with my collar and sat along the curves of my neck. It took a moment for Remus to reply.

"Part of me..." there was a slight tremor in his hands. As soon as I noticed, I grasped his wrists and looked upon him imploringly. "Feels like...hurting that boy."

I noticed the almost pained expression that flickered over Remus' face. "It frightens you, to feel like that, doesn't it?"

Remus didn't reply, but dropped his head slightly and pulled my body against him with a shaky sigh. "I'm sorry," he breathed nervously. "I'm sorry, but – just for a moment, can I ...?"

"Relax," I told him, inwardly melting to a puddle of mush. "Whatever helps you. However I can help." Though I wasn't sure how well this would calm him down, I wanted to help. I couldn't imagine how it must feel to be frightened of your own animalistic thoughts. To be a prisoner of your own mind, of your own suppressed impulses. I rubbed circles into his back and revelled in the natural warmth he seemed to exude.

"You're alright, Remus," I whispered.

"I'm sorry," he replied, voice hushed. "You were just released today, and already I'm forcing you to shoulder some of my-,"

"Remus." His body tremoured against mine. "I am not going to crumble beneath you." What had him so out of sorts, I wondered? Where was this impulse to hurt Morgan coming from? It's not like Morgan snogging me is uncommon, even if I don't like it.

I froze abruptly. I felt Remus press his face against my head and inhale deeply. The way he was acting reminded me a lot of the time when Remus had told me he was a werewolf. I pressed my face against his cloak and pretended this was a loving embrace, not one out of need. I thought of the last time I has seen Remus, before I had gone to the hospital, and could only be happy there was no lasting awkwardness between us. He smelled musky and spicy, but mostly of wilderness, of pine trees and damp earth.

I felt Remus' body tilt back slightly. He'd leant his back against the wall and pulled me with him, cheek still pressed to the crown of my head. Slowly, the trembling faded and his breathing calmed, though I could feel the hot air blow against the shell of my ear with every exhale. His hands still cradled my face. I could trace out the line of his spine and the chords of the muscles in his back, firm. It surprised me that he was so fit considering how thin he was – was it malnourishment, then?

"You..." Calmer now, Remus hands relaxed but did not let go. He pressed his nose to my temple. I froze, unsure of where this was leading. "You truly aren't scared of me, are you?"

"Not at the moment," I breathed. Scared did not seem like the proper word for what kept me frozen.

"Isn't it ironic, then," he said gently, "How much you frighten me?"

What?

"Frighten – you? I do?" I tried to lean back to see his face, but he wouldn't let me. His hands moved to my shoulders and, with seemingly the lightest of touches, kept me there. With a confused sigh, I moved my left hand around from his back to his chest and curled my fingers into his Gryffindor robes. "But – you're – I mean...how could I possibly scare you, Remus?"

Remus didn't answer.

* * *

I woke up, warm but disoriented. Wherever I was, it wasn't in a bed. I lifted my head off the firm surface it had been resting on and looked about sleepily. I recognised the nook where I was sitting, a suit of armour guarding the opening. The lighting was dim. I was sitting in Remus' lap.

I blinked slowly, staring up at Remus' sleeping face. Surprise didn't set in. I thought back to how I'd come to be in this situation, and remembered trying to calm Remus in this very spot. I remembered our conversation, and how we'd fallen into silence but I didn't move away and he didn't ask me to. I'd been leaning on his chest for a long time, snug in the prison his arms had wrapped me in, gently rubbing circles in his back. I must have drifted off.

Remus was sitting cross legged, one arm curled under my knees and the other supporting my back. His head was tipped back gently against the wall, just a little, and his expression was sombre even in sleep. I noticed, maybe for the first time, that even though his body was thin his frame was much larger than mine. His lap was large enough for me to curl into and savour the warmth. Tiredly, I lay my head back on his chest, thinking that maybe, just for a few minutes, I could stay here and pretend it was where I belonged.

Almost as soon as I'd thought it, white hot pain shot up my arm.

I jerked in surprise and clapped a hand over the Dark Mark, pressing my lips tightly together to muffle the groan of pain trying to force its way out.

Remus awoke instantly. His brown eyes snapped open, looking so awake it was as though he hadn't slept in the first place. His arms fell from my quickly, automatically suspecting he had something to do with my pain. But when it didn't subside, he leant forward quickly and pressed a hand to my back. "Ivy?" he whispered. "What's happened? What is it?"

"I-," I stopped quickly, not trusting my voice. I glanced up at him and backed out of his lap quickly. He looked confused. His eyes travelled to the arm I was grasping, and his brow creased with understanding. I got to my feet quickly.

"I have to go," I blurted out quickly. I could feel his eyes on my back as I hurried out the corridor.

* * *

Finding Potter was more difficult than I'd originally planned. Ravenclaws were practicing in the Quidditch Pitch, dinner wasn't for another three hours, and the tree by the lake that the Marauders so favoured was unoccupied. It'd been a half hour since I'd started looking for him, and I was beginning to get annoyed. Checking the library was a last ditch attempt on my part, and I didn't really expect to find him there. Surprise, surprise - he wasn't.

At the moment I was standing directly outside the library, stewing in my own aggravation. Here I was, acting the Good Samaritan, and Potter wasn't even around for me to bestow my graciousness upon him. I looked down the hall, hoping he would suddenly appear. No such luck.

"Who are you looking for?" asked a voice from behind me. Sirius shut the library door behind him, glanced about, and then joined me in the corridor.

"Potter, actually," I replied. "Do you know where he is?"

"You want Prongs?" Sirius looked surprised, but nonetheless he nodded down the hall. "He was going to the Owlery, actually. Why?"

"No reason," I said, relieved. The Owlery wasn't that far away. "Thank you." I smiled faintly, and paused to look at him. Sirius grinned back, but he looked a little paler than usual to my eyes. "You feeling alright?" I asked, touching his forehead. It was a little warm.

"Tired," Sirius shrugged. "Long night." And he winked.

I almost gagged. I did _not _want to know about my brother's one night stands, thanks. Shaking my head in disgust, I turned away to go to the Owlery, Sirius' laughter following me the entire way.

Just as promised, Potter was exiting the Owlery when I arrived. He paused as he caught sight of me, and grinned. "Hey, Black. Fancy meeting you."

"Potter," I glanced around, but the halls were quiet. From my pocket I produced two tickets and held them out to him. "There's a famous opera being held at the theatre in London-,"

"Sorry, love, I've already got a girlfriend-,"

"-I want you to give them to your parents."

Potter looked taken aback. I held his gaze seriously. "The opera is in two days-,"

"Ivy," Potter said slowly. "What, exactly-,"

"And I would be honoured if your parents would take these tickets and go."

Potter's speech trailed to a halt. He frowned at me. "What are you on about?"

I sighed loudly, shoulders sagging. This was more embarrassing than I'd expected. "Just - make sure they go, alright?"

"To the opera? What in Merlin's name-,"

"Can't I do something nice for my obscure relative?" I huffed and folded my arms, pretending to be completely absorbed with the beautiful craftsmanship of a nearby suit of armour.

"Obscure? Mum's your, like, twenty-sixth cousin four times removed! Why should I give them these tickets, anyways?"

I looked back at him, slightly taken aback. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Potter waved his hands around flamboyantly. "Well - what am I supposed to think? Dropping _opera _tickets on me out of nowhere, demanding I bring them to my folks-,"

"They're for this Thursday," I said, slapping them against his chest. He grabbed them automatically when I let go. "Also, a two-day reservation at that wizarding hotel. Just make sure they _go._"

"But - _but-," _

I sighed heavily. "Listen. Say they're from Sirius. Just _make sure_ they _go."_

I studied his shell-shocked expression warily for a moment, wondering if he would take any of this seriously. But I'd done all I could to protect his family from the raid, and that was as far as I could concern myself. With a brief nod, I turned away and left, ignoring the belated "Wait!" that came from behind me.

I felt a small weight lift from my shoulders as I slowed down some floors below where I left Potter. I'd already informed Dumbledore of what was to transpire on Thursday in Godric's Hollow, and how I was going to be at the head of the plan. Morgan had earlier explained that Voldemort was using this raid as a means to assess my capabilities, which meant I was in charge of everything. Strategy, gathering information, the means by which we deal with the Muggle Borns, and so on. Usually there would be three or so people in charge of a raid, but I was handling all aspects, so that I could be tested on how well I accomplished each aspect - and this way learn where I would be most effective in future attacks.

I was not looking forward to this mission, because it meant working with Dementors. I _hate _Dementors. Well – I don't think anyone actually likes them, except maybe Voldemort himself, but that's against the point. Also, there were quite a number of Muggle Borns in Godric's Hollow. I hoped the Order would get there in time to save most of them, because I knew it was not going to be pleasant.

The only other human working on this project was Bella, and she was in charge of only one aspect that I was not; terrorism. Voldemort wanted people frightened. So I was allowed to do my job and get rid of the MudBloods, but from there, she could act as she pleased. I really couldn't fathom anyone being more frightened of Dementors, but that's only my opinion. I've never been with Bellatrix on a mission before.

I went into the Slytherin common room, but paused in the doorway. Morgan was seated before the fireplace, a lithe redheaded girl straddling his hips. His hands moved up and down along her back as her fingers slowly unbuttoned his shirt, attached at the mouth with no apparent intention of disengaging themselves any time soon. I continued past them, not sparing a second glance, and made my way up the stairs to the boy's dormitory with every intention of having a bath in Regulus' dorm.

I all but tossed myself into the peppermint bathtub, ignoring the water that sloshed over the sides.

Stupid missions, stupid Dementors. Every day I felt worse and worse, but not in the way of physical illness. I felt as though I was...thinning out, somehow. Like a piece of elastic stretched taught. Was I nearing some sort of limit? Food was blander than it used to be. Regulus and I weren't talking as much. Everywhere I went I felt uneasy, like I was always treading through dangerous waters. The only place I could think of where that feeling disappeared was with...well, with Remus.

Remus. He talked to me a bit nowadays, but there was something distant about him now. I saw him more with Kelsey Brown in the hallways. When he talked to me, his gaze was always to the left of my face. I wondered, distantly, what he would look like with his hair tousled. With his eyes half-lidded in pleasure, mouth slightly open to rake in spare breath. I wondered how many scars lined his chest, and what kind of noises would he make if I were to kiss them…

My elbow slipped on the edge of the bathtub and fell backwards into the water, inhaling peppermint and water alike. I scrambled for the ledge, coughing almost as vehemently as I was blushing.

"Ivy?" Regulus' distracted voice came from the other side of the door. "You dying?"

"N-," I coughed again "N-no…"

I heaved myself out of the bathtub, deciding that was enough of the gutter to last me a lifetime. Damnit, now I was curious. What is _wrong _with me? Hurriedly, I got dressed and stepped out the door, hoping I wasn't blushing quite as much as I imagined I was. Regulus was sitting upright on his bed, writing on the same parchment from before. He looked wholeheartedly immersed in what he was doing.

"I'll see you at dinner," I called to him. He grunted absently. I went out the door and back down to the common room. Neither Morgan nor the girl he'd been with earlier were inside. I opted to find somewhere quiet within the castle where I could work on my plans for the raid. I also had to brainstorm on a present for Sirius; his birthday was coming up on Sunday.

I walked along the often-empty West corridor, led eventually to the Divination classroom in the Tower. I liked it up here because of the large windows reaching high towards the ceiling, much like the ones in the Hospital Wing. Eventually, I settled myself on the wide stone windowsill, facing the lake. I had enough sunlight to work, though it was a tedious process since my hair kept dripping over the parchment and blotting out the words. All the while, I couldn't think of what to get Sirius.

It shouldn't have been so hard, really. He didn't like jewels, so I could cross that off the list. Or gold. Or valuables of any kind. He hated sweaters unless _he _bought them. No one bought Sirius broom care products because that was something he "made special" on his own.

Maybe if I bought him dog biscuits -

I sighed irritably, stretching. I had a feeling Sirius would pretend to like what I got him, no matter what it was. But what did he _need? _Or want, for that matter?

Scalding heat erupted from my cloak pocket. I yelped, jumped, and fell gracelessly from the sill onto the cold floor. Scrambling upwards, I dug quickly through my pocket and tossed the scrap of parchment to the other side of the hall. Relieved of the heat source, I crawled warily towards it. On its aged surface was a short note, written in fresh ink.

_Sirius is sick, need help! We're in the Charms room!_

I'd packed my books, stuck the parchment in my pocket, and was halfway down the moving staircases before my mind had finished processing the note. What had happened? I'd seen Sirius an hour ago, at the very most. What kind of illness could strike in that type of timeframe? But then again, I'd seen him earlier and he'd looked pale. I should have enquired further, instead of leaving him there. I should have -

My shoes squeaked loudly as I halted before the second floor corridor. I couldn't see anyone looking in a panic or stumbling down the hall, and so I continued hastily towards the Charms classroom. The door was half open. I pushed my way inside, eyes moving quickly across the empty room to land on two people seated at one of the most secluded tables. I recognised the two as Sirius and Pettigrew. Pettigrew shot up as I came through the door.

"Oh, it's you!" he said in surprise.

I walked over to their table, where Sirius was resting his head on the table. A mess of black hair was all I could see with his arms folded on his desk. I touched Sirius' shoulder and leant over him.

"He was acting weird all the way here," Pettigrew said, wringing his hands on Sirius' other side. "Then we were talking, and suddenly he just pulled out a chair and dropped onto it and-,"

Sirius' head tipped slowly to one side until I could make out the curve of his nose. "Ivy?"

"Sirius." I leant forwards, slipping a hand against his forehead. "You're burning up."

Sirius scoffed distantly and pulled himself away from the table. His eyes were bleary and unfocused. "'M not. 'M fine."

"You're not fine," I said, watching him struggle to stand. "No, please - Sirius, come on, don't-,"

Sirius flapped away my hands blindly as he staggered out of the chair. "I'm fine, Ivy-,"

"_No_," I said, "You should go to the hospital wing-,"

My brother scoffed, wobbling slightly. He took a step forwards and collapsed. I had no chance beneath his weight. Grabbing hold of him, I staggered backwards until my back hit the open door. Pettigrew squawked and followed quickly, looking pensive, but I didn't blame him. He was really a small man, he wouldn't be able to help me lift Sirius at all. My feet fell out from under me, as the door swung to a sharp close. I tried to block Sirius' head from knocking against the glass as I started to fall, and then, abruptly, the door's progress stopped. I craned my neck and saw James wedged between the doorframe and the door itself, looking momentarily flabbergasted. Remus had managed to slip by, but I only had half a second to recognise him before he was upon us. Effortlessly, he pulled Sirius' weight from me with one hand, then quickly grasped my arm with his other hand so I wouldn't fall.

"Padfoot," Remus began, worried. Sirius groaned, but it was quiet, like he was trying to hide it. He slumped against Remus' shoulder, grey eyes dull with illness.

"I'm just a bit dizzy," Sirius said when I glared at him.

"Hospital Wing." I pointed to the door. "Now."

"She's right, mate," Potter eased himself out of the doorway and swung it open. He came on Remus' other side. "You look terrible."

"Come on," Pettigrew opened the door wide. I started to follow them out when Remus turned and shook his head.

"Meet us there," he said.

"No," I replied, affronted. "I'm staying with Sirius-,"

"If a Slytherin were to see you in the hall with us-,"

"I don't care," I said, even though I did. Remus knew it, too. He studied me for a long moment, Sirius leaning against him. My brother was watching him watch me, eyes bleary.

"Ivy," Remus said finally. His voice was soft. I watched his gaze slip from my face to my shoulder. "Just to be safe. You can meet us there."

Powerless against him, I watched them shuffle out of the room, Pettigrew casting a nervous glance my way as they disappeared down the hallway. When they were gone, I sat down for a moment, trying to quell the uneasiness in my stomach. I wanted to stay with Sirius. Make sure he was okay. I waited for as long as I could, which happened to be about five minutes, before rushing out of the room.

I was stopped almost immediately.

"Ivy." Severus came up next to me and I turned to him with impatience, bouncing on the balls of my feet. "It's time to leave."

"What?" I said, more irritated than surprised. I didn't have time for this. I had to see Sirius. "Leave for what?"

Severus eyed me with a slight amount of surprise, eyebrow raised blandly. "You're to stay at the Dark Lord's safe house until the raid Thursday."

"_What?_" I repeated, running a hand confusedly through my hair. I glanced reflexively behind me at the route to the Hospital Wing. "But it's only Tuesday."

"It's necessary to work with your superiors and have you plans approved by Morgan. He will be monitoring you from now to the day of."

Monitoring – I blinked quickly and shook my head in attempt to clear my thoughts. I had absolutely no desire to leave the school now for that stupid safe house. Not only was I almost failing all my classes due to my absences, but there were still things to discuss with Dumbledore like times and numbers and such nonsense. Those were the mature reasons, at least – what I sorely wanted was just to check up on Sirius, just once, to know that he'll be fine while I'm gone. I was even willing to talk to Madame Pomfrey, whom I'd resolved only yesterday to avoid because she knew of my Dark Mark.

But that wasn't an option at the moment. I couldn't allow myself to linger on something that I knew was impossible right now. The Dark Lord had ordered my return to the safe house, and before anything, I had to keep up appearance within the circle of Death Eaters.

Sirius would have to wait. He would understand, I tried to convince myself. He would _have _to understand.

I turned back to Severus, shaking my head again like it was going to make me feel less anxious. "Let's go, then."

* * *

Tense didn't begin to cover my state as I stood in the safe house study, hand curled tightly about my wand. I stared hard at the ghostly creature looming over me, not at all comforted by the fact that it could do me no physical harm. Awful memories were unwillingly pulled to the forefront of my mind, only becoming more vivid with every moment I spent in the presence of the Dementor. It lurked silently just out of arms reach. I supposed it was watching me, though there were no eyes to determine that. I felt sick and angry and very cold, as though I was standing in a snowstorm with no coat or shoes. I _hated _dementors.

"Expecto patronum," I spat out, shuddering.

"I believe you need to lift your wand for the spell to work, dearest," Morgan commented from the desk, hardly glancing up from the documents in his hands. I cursed softly and sparks burst angrily from the end of my wand. An irritated hum left my throat.

"Expecto patronum," I growled. I ignored the low rumble of laughter behind me.

"I could almost pity you, if you were so angry-looking. It's rather endearing."

I turned my head enough to glare at him. It was things he'd done to me that I was reliving in my head. Morgan tipped his chin, met my gaze and tsk-ed gently. "If you can't perform a Patronus, how will you ever control such a large amount of Dementors tomorrow night?"

With a short sigh, I raised my wand for the umpteenth time and tried to focus on the incantation instead of the mess of emotions fogging up my brain. "_Expecto patronum!_" I declared, and a few mild wisps of white curled tentatively from the end of my wand, making the dementor recoil slightly.

I clenched my teeth, hoping sheer stubbornness would force my limbs not to tremble. "_Expecto_-,"

The words died on my tongue as a particularly strong wave of bad memories hit me. I rocked back on my heels, feeling faint and off balance. I didn't realise I was falling until Morgan caught me.

"That's all for the moment," he said briskly, and dragged me over to a worn old chair. I sagged against the moth-eaten fabric wearily, watching as Morgan sent the Dementor away with his own coyote-shaped Patronus. I rubbed my face and tried to tamp down on the worry plaguing my mind. It was hard to keep mental barriers up with Dementors around, and I couldn't risk someone in the building picking up on my thoughts.

Morgan's chin sat on my knee and I paused to glare, though the effect was lost on him. It took me a moment to realise where his gaze was. "You have such boring choice in underwear," he drawled. I yelped and shoved him back, only to have his sit on my lap a moment later.

"Come now," he chided, smirking at my red face. "You can't be so offended by the truth. And you don't have to look quite so adorable, you know."

"You're spouting nonsense," I hissed, squirming beneath him. "And you're making my legs numb, _get off._"

"Ever since you got here, you've been nigh on furious," Morgan noticed. He smirked. "I could relieve some of that awful tension."

I swore angrily and stood up, wand sparking furiously. Of its own accord it force Morgan's hands off me. Of course I was angry, I thought darkly, but shook away the thought before it could move any further and calmed myself by reinforcing the walls in my head.

Morgan stood up, unabashed, and sauntered towards the desk. "Your mission plan is up to par," he added lightly. "All the rest is in order. If only you could master the Patronus, you would be ready for tomorrow."

I tightened grip on my wand. "Fine." I glared at his smirk as she graciously drew the Dementor back in. This time, I didn't give myself a moment to even consider the visions flashing through my head.

"_Expecto patronum!"_

The silvery ribbon that burst from my wand was much stronger this time. With furious satisfaction, I watched the Dementor rear back in its advance, and turn away. I dropped my wand, huffing a sigh of irritation when I became aware of Morgan chuckling next to me.

"What is it?" I asked, annoyed.

Wordlessly, Morgan pointed at the floor before me. I followed his gaze to my own fully-formed patronus. Instead of the satisfaction I expected to feel, I felt like slapping a hand over my face.

My patronus had taken form all right...in the ever-so-intimidating form of a bunny rabbit.

* * *

_TBC. Please read and review!! _


	19. Ignorance Is Bliss, But Only On Tuesdays

_A/N: look at me! Updating!_

_Happy New Year to everyone, of course. I don't have much to say right now, but enjoy~_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter._

_Oh, and please ignore the title of this chapter, I was being random.  
_

**

* * *

Ignorance is Bliss, But Only on Tuesdays**

"Bugger."

I stepped over a fallen Muggle body, brushing down my arms to get rid of the feel of another person touching me. The killing curse had burst from my lips so many times tonight that I hadn't even stopped to look at who was trying to attack me. I could already tell, as I walked farther into the room, that two more Muggles had hidden themselves poorly behind the sofa.

Another shrill scream sounded from somewhere outside. The air was dry and heavy from burning buildings, but this house in which I now stood was brightly light in the façade of normalcy. A glance in the kitchen revealed to me that before they had caught wind of the raid, this Muggle family had been sitting down to dinner.

My stomach churned as I walked towards the open concept living room, and the sofa. I pressed the heels of my palms to my temples in a vain effort to stop the throbbing. I wanted nothing more to lie down and soothe my aching head.

Instead, I stopped next to the sofa and listened to the shaking breath exuded from behind it. I whispered, "_Avada kedarva," _for what seemed the thousandth time and the confused, scared expressions of a mother and child disappeared in a blinding flash of green.

With a small groan I turned around and headed back to the front door. As soon as I was back outside, my eyes watered from the smoke Godric's Hollow exuded. Far away, I could hear Bellatrix cackling, but much closer could I hear the terrified murmurs and pleas of the townsfolk. To my left was the town square, where all the wizarding people of Gordic's Hollow had been shepherded. The large group of a hundred or so was tightly surrounded by Dementors, who were in turn led by my Patronus. The small rabbit made endless laps around the Dementors, like a shepherd dog with its flock.

I approached the circle slowly. My legs felt heavy, like I was trudging through sludge that went up to my waist.

_What would you think of me now, Remus._

Two of the Dementors fell back at my approach. I saw a few of the wizards scramble toward the opening, then freeze as I stepped in their path. One of them was a pudgy man, in more expensive clothing than the others. The mayor, perhaps. He froze along with the others, but after a tremulous moment he brandished an accusing, if not terrified finger in my direction. "You! What is the meaning of this? What kind of dark magic have you brought to this humble village, heathen?!"

"_Morsmordre._"

An explosion of colour lit the sky. The townsfolk looked up with a kind of wonder at the strange display, but as soon as the skull and snake took form, their expressions quickly changed. The mayor blanched and stumbled back, into the crowd.

The screaming only grated against my nerves in a terrible manner, but I waited for five seconds longer than I needed to before my next action. _Where is the Order?_

"By order of the Dark Lord, you are all guilty of soliciting with Mudbloods." My eyes jumped through the crowd – I had never seen Potter's father, but I knew his mother's face. It was to my utter relief that I could not find her in all the terrified faces staring back at me. "The penalty is death."

A woman not far from where I stood began sobbing. A man – her husband, perhaps – pushed forwards through the crowd, a look of terror on his face. "Please," he began desperately, clutching at my sleeve. "Please, don't hurt my wife – she's pregnant, and-,"

"_Crucio._"

The man screamed and dropped to his knees as though in prayer. "I don't care," I said coldly, lifting the spell from him. "About the likes of _you._"

I turned in the other direction, though, and didn't look at the pregnant woman as I raised my wand toward another, older man. "_Avada kedarva."_

His body was still dropping to the pavement when my wand shot from my hands violently.

_Finally._

There was a mass of them, coming from all angles, and the sudden dizzying sense of _what do I do now how should I attack first are they coming at me_ caused a break in my concentration. The Patronus, which had been holding out for so long already, dissolved. Dementors drifted into the foray, further deteriorating any strings of thought I could pull together.

The first hex missed my shoulder by inches, the scorching heat it gave off singeing my cloak. Even as I turned to see where the spell had come from, another hex caught me below the throat. Instantly, I could feel my insides going numb. Another one caught my shoulder and the same effect crawled down my arm, as though my blood was freezing and splintering.

That's exactly what was happening, I realized a moment later, when the coppery substance came up my throat and pooled on my tongue. I jumped backwards and retrieved my wand as the townspeople scattered in a blind terror, and not again was another hex thrown towards me in the confusion. Even now, the Order was afraid of hurting an innocent in the crossfire.

Well, I wasn't going to sit and wait. Everything had to look believable.

I could recognize the Order as the ones trying to run towards me, instead of away. Raising my wand, I aimed, and fired.

* * *

"_It's almost the full moon, you know."_

_The voice seemed to echo around me. I looked about, wondering where it came from; but my surroundings were blurry and nondescript. I was sitting on the floor in a room with four walls, no exit. That was all I could make out. _

"_Hello?" I asked cautiously, looking about. Then the disembodied words registered. "The full moon…?"_

_There came no reply. I looked around again, nervously, and wanted to get up; but my body disagreed and stayed where it was. I clenched my hands into fists, feeling that whoever it was, they were toying with me. "Leave Remus alone," I said to the empty air. _

"_That proves to be difficult," a voice murmured against my ear. I whipped around quickly, only to freeze a moment later. Chocolate brown eyes stared back at me, watching. "I _am _Remus."_

"_O-oh," I said, still surprised. He sat cross-legged, hands on his knees. With a great amount of alarm I realized he wasn't wearing a shirt and I was staring. "U-um, Remus, y-you-,"_

_Remus smiled, not the soft, sad smile I was used to – but a more genuine one, slightly amused, slightly good-humored. "You're shy," he observed, but sounded pleased. Despite the expressions of his mouth, Remus' eyes were centered and unmoving from me. _

_I blushed, flustered. I saw Remus begin to shift and sit up, moving closer to me and my eyes widened. "O-oh, no, why don't you, um – stay where you are-_over there-_,"_

_My voice died suddenly, because Remus had taken both my hands by the wrist and planted them on his bare chest. My thought process died. _I _died. _

"_You can touch," Remus said, sounding amused, but also something else. His hands grasped my shoulders and drew me closer. "Go on," he said. _

_I looked at my hands on his chest, sitting so innocently against his bare, pale skin. Like I had always known, he was rail thin, but the meat on his bones was nothing but corded muscle. I looked nervously up at his face again, but his dark brown eyes were intent upon me. Hesitantly, I looked back to his chest, and slowly drew one hand up over his sternum, pectorals, and collarbone, to circle timidly about the nape of his neck. _

_With every movement, Remus was pulling my closer and closer to his body. "That feels nice," he said huskily. He turned his head just a bit, and pressed his mouth to my cheek, and didn't move away. _

_It was getting a bit harder to breathe now. Tentatively, I drew my other hand downwards, over his abdominal muscles, feeling Remus shiver again and, this time, make a low guttural noise in the back of his throat. Dazed, I continued the process, smoothing my hand across his stomach, dipping into his navel, before moving slowly back up his side – _

"Um – Ivy?"

"Wait!" I yelped, starting slightly and finding myself nearly blinded by morning light. I looked around, confused for a moment. This wasn't my bed, this was a hosptial bed. "…wait."

A distracted chuckle diverted my attention and I looked up, into soft brown eyes. Remus was standing about five feet infront of me, next to the foot of the hospital bed that I had fallen asleep beside. Sirius, a sleeping lump in the sheets, remained unmoved.

Upon seeing Remus, I felt my entire face heat up. I remembered the mischevious Remus of my dream, his breath warm on my skin, and felt like having a cold shower. The man infront of me wasn't flashing bedroom eyes, but he did look a little flustered. He kept looking about as though trying to distract himself; he'd be staring at his shoes, then glance at my face, then quickly divert his eyes to a bit of dust floating in the air, then at me again.

"Sorry to wake you," he said, now rather determinedly eyeing a brick in the wall some three feet above my head. "You were, er, _squirming about _a bit and making, er, noises," Remus glanced back at me quickly. My face felt as though it were on fire. I noticed his lips were parted a bit, and he appeared to be breathing through his mouth. It was the sort of thing I did when something smelled funny and I didn't want to get it in my nose. But I didn't smell anything. What –

"I thought you were having nightmares," Remus finished in a rush, and then cleared his throat and glanced at Sirius' sleeping form, as though mentally willing him to awaken.

Through my utter embarrassment, I narrowed eyes at Remus. He was obviously lying, _and _extremely uncomfortable. And he was trying not to breathe through his nose.

"Something smell funny, Remus?"

Remus' head snapped towards me at dizzying speed, eyes wide. "What?" he gasped. That was definitely red on his cheeks. "No. _No. _Nothing smells funny, rather it smells quite – I mean, I just have a better nose than other people…and the potions in here are, um, strong-,"

I tried to stifle a giggle, but of course he heard it anyway, and his mouth closed with a click. He was looking at me with an odd expression. "I'll take your word for it," I said, standing up and stretching a bit. My body was sore from sleeping on the floor all night. Feeling that Remus and I should move forward from our mutual embarrassment as quickly as possible (though what he was embarrassed about I wasn't quite sure), I cleared my throat. "So Sirius hasn't woken up yet, hm?" I asked, observing my sleeping brother. His face was deeply buried in a pillow, and he was snoring softly. I didn't recall much before falling asleep, but I did remember Madame Pomfrey appeasing my anxieties about Sirius' condition. It was just the flu, she'd told me.

"No," Remus answered, sounding much less flustered. "He's quite a heavy sleeper. You look sore," he added. Why was he bringing the conversation back to me? I glanced at him, his expression somewhere between chiding and sympathetic. He was still breathing subtly through his mouth. Did he do that often? I hadn't thought to take notice. "If you wanted to sleep here, you should have taken one of the beds."

Now that I wasn't trying to embarrass him he looked normal, if a bit paler than usual. The full moon was in three days, I realised with a clench of anxiousness. But despite that he looked less melancholy than he had yesterday when I'd last spoken to him. I reddened again. Nor did there appear to be any awkwardness between us. I was always grateful with the ease associated with being in his prescence.

I smiled a bit at him, and shrugged. "Didn't want Madame to think I'd gone and hurt myself again, so soon after leaving," I pat Sirius' hand absently. I was determined to keep up a good demeanor, and not let Remus on to any regrets or guilts I had about last night, or even that there was a 'last night' at all that he needed to worry about.

Pity Remus was so damn observant.

"Where are your clothes?" he asked curiously, noticing the standard white shirt and oversized bottoms Madame had provided me with upon my arrival. My clothes were, in fact, quite unwearable. They had scorch marks and rips and all sorts of other things on them, but the real reason I had changed before going to sleep was my extreme unfounded paranoia that Remus would find me with them on, and do that thing he always did where he gets sad and guilty and remorseful on my behalf.

"Can't recall," I said.

That was when Remus closed his mouth and started breathing through his nose again. He blinked a bit, as though slightly dizzied by particular smells that I couldn't begin to take note of; my senses were much duller than a werewolf's. But once he had gotten used to breathing regularly again, he inhaled deeply – and glanced one bed over, where I am almost completely sure I threw my clothing last night before bed. Bugger.

It was a brief race to get to the bed before he could; I was at a better angle to stop in front of the bed with my hands out, and Remus, as expected, stopped before he could even brush my fingers. His eyebrows were raised a bit, though.

"That's cheating," I said.

"What were you doing last night?" Remus asked, ignoring my accusation. "Don't say it's none of my business." Even though it wasn't, I thought moodily.

"Why don't you go read the paper," I suggested, folding my arms. "Go see what they have to say about my handiwork. I'm sure you'll notice some students crying in the corridors, as well; why not go ask them?"

Remus shook his head, eyes fluttering here and there about my face. "You saved James' parents. They would have met the same fate if you hadn't intervened."

He couldn't be complimenting me. He absolutely couldn't. I turned away from him, staring at the empty sick bed with sudden fascination. "That's only two people, Remus," I said, curbing the sudden desire to bury my face in my hands. I didn't want him to give me anymore of his sympathy – _me!_ The one responsible for all that happened last night! "I pointed my wand at lots more than two people last night."

"Every life counts, Ivy," Remus said, and I almost jumped out of my skin at the proximity of his voice. When I turned, Remus held my gaze seriously. "Even if it's only two."

He studied me for a long moment. I couldn't keep the confusion off my face as I stared back at him, the silence of the Hospital Wing seeming to pull me closer to him instead of pushing us apart. Remus frowned slightly at me in his scrutiny, his hands in loose fists at his sides. "Look at you," he murmured, almost to himself. "You look dead on your feet."

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I was downing in puzzlement. "Are – are you worried about _me?_"

The door to the Hospital Wing swung open before Remus could respond. We both glanced toward it. Kelsey Brown walked in, her eyes first finding Remus, and then flickering over to me. Her entire body went rigid.

"Kelsey," Remus turned to her as she walked towards them. "Were you looking for me?"

"Yes," she murmured in a very quiet voice. She came to a stop next to Remus, eyes glued to my face. I watched her grasp one of Remus' hands tightly in her own. "Was she bothering you, Remus?"

I could have laughed at the surprised expression on Remus' face. "What? Bothering me? Of course not-,"

"Then what are you doing here?" Kelsey asked me, her eyes steady but her voice quivering.

I motioned towards Sirius' lump-like form in the sick bed on my right. "Sick brother," I said.

A furrow appeared in her brow, and her jaw tightened. It seemed as though she were gearing up for something. "I thought you didn't like Sirius."

I shrugged. "Family is complicated." There. She couldn't draw much from that, could she? But it seemed she wasn't satisfied with my statement, either. I saw her shoulders tense up even more, and her white-knuckled grip on Remus' hand tighten.

"Is that the truth?" she demanded firmly.

"Kelsey, what are you doing?" Remus asked, bewildered by her behaviour. Kelsey looked threatened by me, and I wasn't sure why. I mean, I was fifteen. Until next month, anyways.

I didn't know what she expected me to say. "I'm not here to entetain your insecurities," I said. Even if I wished what she was insinuating were true.

"Ivy," Remus warned.

I was surprised. "What?"

"'Ivy'?" Kelsey repeated, her face paling. "Are you on such good terms with her you're using a nickname?"

"Kelsey," the brown-haired man frowned slightly, his dark eyes flickering between her and I. "What is this about? This is Sirius' sister. He calls her Ivy. I simply associate her with that name."

Kelsey was still staring hard at me, and I felt inconceivably guilty even though I'd done nothing wrong, at least in the respect of breaking up their relationship. I knew I couldn't be with Remus. And yet, she straightened her back and inhaled deeply, her face pale.

"I'm going to ask you one more time," she said seriously, not removing her gaze from mine. "Are you trying to seduce my boyfriend?"

I think my jaw really dropped.

"Kelsey!" Remus said, sounding aghast. He moved forward and infront of her, grabbing her shoulders and blocking me from Kelsey's view. "What in Merlin's name are you asking?" he looked over his shoulder at me. "You don't have to answer that, Ivy. Go sit with your brother."

Seduce?

"You see?!" Kelsey was shouting now, paler by the second. She pointed at me as I numbly went over to Sirius' bed and sat near his feet. "You see what you just did? Why are you acting so familiar with her?! You shouldn't be talking to her at all – Sirius hates his family, and I won't accept the excuse that she's here to look after him! Everyone knows that Sirius was disowned! But here you are, calling her 'Ivy' and talking to her as though you're best mates! You're hiding something from me, Remus!"

"That's enough," Remus muttered, his voice dropping a bit. He grasped her wrist. "What you're accusing me of is not happening. You can't keep yelling in the infirmary. We'll talk outside."

He started to pull her towards the door. I watched them go. Kelsey cast a wary look in my direction halfway to the door, and again I felt guilt clench in my stomach. Remus glanced back at me at the threshold, steering Kelsey ahead of him. I was expecting the usual apologetic look from him that I usually get, but instead, he looked quite serious. The door closed behind them under Remus' hand with a gentle 'click'.

"Well," said a voice, so suddenly I nearly fainted, "That was quite enlightening."

I stood quickly. "Sirius!" I said, moving towards the head of the bed and staring down at my eldest brother. Sirius looked tired, but better than the last time I had seen him. "How long have you been awake?"

"Oh…" Sirius shrugged lazily, not bothering to sit up in bed. "Since she came in, about."

I relaxed a bit. It would have been odd if he'd heard Remus and I speaking together, though I'm not entirely sure why. My thoughts were interupted by Sirius' bark of a laugh. "But, how funny," he said with a grin. "You, seducing people. Ha!" he dissolved into cackles. "That poor girl, I never realized she was so insecure. And about you, of all people!" Sirius snorted again, folding his arms behind his head. "Sweet Merlin, the day you and Remus go about proclaiming love to one another is the day I quit Quidditch."

Ouch.

I sighed and rubbing my eyes, blinking down at the messy black hair of my eldest. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Sirius replied, blinking up at me. "Now where's my present."

I scoffed mockingly. "What makes you think I would waste money on _you?"_

"Don't be that way, Ivy," he retaliated. "I _know _you got me something. Out with it."

Pompous boy. I was tempted to tell him I'd forgotten his birthday altogether, just to wipe that smirk off his face. Instead, I set on the edge of his bed again and put one of my hands to his forehead, the other to mine to compare. "I couldn't bring it to Hogwarts, its rather illegal I suspect. You don't have a fever, that's good."

"_Illegal?_" Sirius looked positively delighted. The troublemaker. "You shouldn't have."

"Hmph. I stored it in Hogsmeade, in that shed behind The Hog's Head. You can get it at your leisure."

"What is it? Tell me."

"I don't think I will," I smirked back at him as he groaned his displeasure. "Now, I have to get to class. Please don't leave before Madame says so."

Sirius rolled his grey eyes, then paused, a smile tugging at the edge of his mouth. "D'you think she gets sick of us?" he pondered curiously, nodding to the closed door of Madame Pomfrey's office. "I reckon between you, me, and Moony we'll send her to an early retirement."

"Well, she's only got a little over a month left of dealing with you," I said, easing off the bed. Almost absently I smoothed out his blanket, ignoring Sirius' indulgent chuckle at the action. His mention of Remus in the Hospital Wing had me thinking of the upcoming full moon, and then of the very first time I had really met Remus, here at the Hospital Wing, when he had collapsed on me. He'd looked to be in such pain.

Sirius' hand suddenly nicked my chin. "What are you making that face for?" he asked. I looked at him, wondering.

"Sirius," I began, quietly, "How much…how much does it hurt him, to change like that?"

Sirius blinked, looking startled by the question and a bit confused. After a moment his face grew solemn. "Ivy…his bones literally snap and reorganize themselves. His organs shrink or grow, depending. His heart accelerates to match the beat of a regular animals'. I watch him do it each time, just so he isn't alone." My brother sighed. "It hurts him…greatly." I had a feeling from his tone that was an understatement.

I bit my lip as I considered that. I'd broken bones before, but the anatomy of a wolf, a giant wolf at that, was so greatly different from that of a human I couldn't begin to imagine how many of those parts must be reshaped to create the animal form. "But, it doesn't hurt like that when you change? You're an Animagus."

"Doesn't hurt at all, it's part of the magic," Sirius shrugged heavily, frowning. "Sometimes I wish it did, so Remus didn't have to go through it on his own."

I bit my lip. It was almost painful to try and picture Remus suffering, while his friends stood by unable to help. What could be worse, I wondered, being alone, knowing what was happening to your friend somewhere outside, or being useless while your friend is in torturous pain right infront of you? "Do you think I could-,"

"No," Sirius cut me off stoutly, suddenly putting his foot down. Then he hesitated. "It's Moony's choice," he corrected after a moment. "But I know he's going to say no. You're not an Animagus like the rest of us, so you can outrun him, and you can't protect yourself from him, because he's immune to most curses. Remus would never agree to putting you in that type of situation."

"What situation?" asked a voice from the door. Remus re entered the room, without Kelsey. He looked a bit distracted, and slightly upset, but when he came to a stop at the foot of Sirius' bed, he was composed. I thought better than to inquire about Kelsey Brown.

I glanced at Sirius, looking for his OK. Sirius hesitated again, but then shrugged at me once more, "As I said, it's his decision."

"Decision? About what?" Remus looked between us curiously. I moved around the bed to stand infront of Remus, twisting my fingers together infront of me. This was going to take some delicacy, I didn't want to upset him. But I also wanted to be there for him. I know he had the other Marauders to help him, and Sirius had clearly outlined to me the reasons why Remus would most likely say no, but even so, I felt it important that I somehow support him in this painful time for him and this seemed like the best way to do so.

"The full moon is in three days," I began pensively.

Remus looked confused. "I know that, Ivy."

Of course he knew. What was I doing, stating the obvious? "W-well," I began. Why was I so nervous? "I want to be there when you…change."

I definitely could have phrased that better. I almost winced at the wide-eyed look Remus gave me, his face paling. He reared back as though I'd physically dealt him a blow. His whole body tensed up.

"You can't," he gasped. "No. No, no, no. You can't. You absolutely can't. You won't."

"Remus, calm down!" I place my hand on his arm, and Remus' hand came up and very tightly grabbed my elbow. His eyes were scared.

"Ivy, no," he said. "Not under any circumstances. Never."

"Okay," I said soothingly. I grasped his other sleeve and locked eyes with him. "Okay. I don't have to be there. I'm sorry. Calm down."

"Promise," he said quickly.

I rubbed his arms up and down, slowly, still aware of his tight grip on my shoulder. "I promise, Remus. I won't see you change if you don't want me to. I'm sorry. Please, relax."

"Why would you ask me something like that?" He seemed to have calmed down a bit, but his voice was still strangled. "I could kill you, really kill you. Or worse, make you like me. I almost killed you once already!"

I was kicking myself. "I – I wanted to be there for you, to, well, support you."

Remus took a deep breath. Under my hands, I felt his muscles relax a bit. He released my elbows only to grab my shoulders. "You can support me when I'm human, and harmless," he muttered. "But not – _not _when I'm…changing," he said firmly. "Okay?"

He held my gaze. I smiled faintly at him. "Okay," I repeated. "Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

Remus sighed, and visibly deflated. He released me and straightened, leaning one hand on Sirius' bed. He ran his hand through his dark hair, looking exhausted. "Just don't…spring those kinds of questions on me." He sighed again.

I was an idiot, I decided. "I'll remember not to." Abruptly, an alarm went of in my head. "Oh! I'm late for class. Are you okay Remus?"

"Yes." He studied me for a moment, then managed a tiny smile. "Go on."

"Alright. See you. Bye Sirius," I remembered to wave to my brother, who was still sitting in bed. He had a very odd expression on his face, and both of his eyebrows were raised. I shrugged off his strange face. He was a strange boy, anyways. With a final nod to Remus, I went out of the Hospital Wing to go change into a clean uniform.

As the door swung shut behind me, I could hear Remus' voice echo back to me as he spoke to my brother.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

* * *

_A/N: Oh, Ivy, you silly oblivious lass you. And you too Remus. _

PLEASE _read and review. I really really like reviews. _

_TBC.  
_


	20. As The Bell Tolls

_A/N: _Okay, so ther ewas a bit (cough) of a wait for this chapter. There's a interesting arc starting in this one, I'm excited to write the next few chapters. There is a huge amp up in RemusIvy action/fluff/romance. About time, eh?

Please Note: My vision of a werewolf has been the same ever since I first started reading the Harry Potter books back in grade school, and that is a giant-size wolf, roughly the size of an SUV. I have never imagined a werewolf to stand on two legs, have apposable thumbs etc., also, I have researched the HP Lexicon and come to the conclusion that a werewolf tranforms into a werewolf the night of the full moon, regardless of whether they can see it/are indoors/underground/outdoors at the time, **UNLESS **that werewolf is taking Wolfsbane Potion (which has yet to be invented in this story). When a werewofl is taking Wolfsbane Potion, aswell as mantaining their sane mind, they only transform when the light of the full moon touches them.

Disclaimer --- I don't own Harry Potter!

Please Enjoy!

* * *

As the Bell Tolls

Something strange was going on with Regulus.

The Slytherin Common Room was almost empty because of the late hour – indeed, it seemed as though Regulus and I were the only ones still awake in the shadowy chamber, the only light coming from the roaring fireplace. I had been staying up to complete some of the many assignments I had missed since being restricted to the Hospital Wing, but I wasn't entirely sure why Regulus was still awake. Even as I poured over my Transfiguration, curled into the arm of the soft couch, I couldn't help but glance in his direction every so often.

He wasn't really doing anything. Regulus had been sitting in the same chair since before I had settled down to work, which had to be at least five hours ago. Sometimes I thought he might have fallen asleep, but when I craned my head I could see his dark eyes, staring blankly at the crackling flames. His arms sat loosely on either arm of the chair, both feet set neatly on the polished floors. The light of the fire played warm colours across his pale skin, and illuminated every strand of his growing black hair. Everyday he looked more and more like Sirius, who, in turn, looked more like Father with every year he aged.

I traced my lip anxiously with the plume of my quill before forcing myself to glance back down at my textbook. Even Regulus needed time to himself, I thought warningly. He didn't need his annoying little sister to nag him when he was obviously deep in thought. It was getting harder to concentrate on my work, however – at least when the Common Room had been filled with other occupants; I could lose myself in the white noise and focus only on the words in the text before me.

It was with a soft groan of defeat that I closed the book on my lap and looked back up. I couldn't take it anymore. What was _wrong _with him? "Regulus-,"

I choked on the name, surprised to raise my head only to find him already staring at me. There was a slight smile on his lips, and I almost bought his fake expression. Something clenched in the pit of my stomach. When was the last time I'd seen such a face on my brother? Had he ever looked so melancholy?

"You look sleepy," he observed, smile widening for a moment. "Heading off to bed?"

"I – I-," I fumbled for a moment. Was it really okay to leave him like this? But the look in Regulus' eyes brooked no argument. "Yes, I suppose."

Regulus hummed slightly, and stood. For a moment, his back was to me, and the shadows swallowed his figure. "Oh, good," he turned and watched me set my Transfiguration book on the table. I stood as well, and gave a small stretch as he walked over.

"What about you?" I asked. My eyes swept his frame as though I expected to find some kind of injury.

Regulus stared down at me, tilting his head. "I have some things to do."

I frowned. He'd been sitting there doing nothing for five hours, and now he suddenly had things to do? I paused. Had he been waiting for me to head to bed? "Alright then. Goodnight, Regulus."

I made to turn towards the staircases, but Regulus' hand suddenly settled on the crown of my head. I stood there for a moment, long enough to glance at the strange expression on my brother's face before his palm moved to the back of my head and pushed me into his chest.

I felt Regulus' chin set itself on my head, his arms loop around my neck. He sighed, long and deep, and squeezed me tightly for a moment.

"Regulus," I whispered, "What's wrong?"

"Huh," Regulus leaned back suddenly, removing himself from me completely, and grinned. "Nothing, nothing. Off to bed with you. Go on."

I hesitated. Should I confront him? The fire was dimming, and the light illuminating Regulus' form was getting more and more faint. His eyes were impossible for me to see. I watched the dim outline of his hands slid into his cloak's pockets.

"I'm okay, really," he insisted. "Tired, that's all. Don't worry though. I'll be – I'm going to sleep soon, too."

I frowned, but relented. It was late. With a soft nod, I turned towards the staircase again. "Okay. Don't stay up too late." I set my foot on the iron stairwell and slowly made my way up. "Good night."

There was a moment of silence. His soft voice drifted up to me.

"Good night, Ivy."

I glanced back towards the common room, but I could see nothing; the fire had gone out, and Regulus had been swallowed up by the shadows.

* * *

I woke up late the next morning – too late to get breakfast at the Great Hall. Cursing to myself, I hastened through the corridors of Hogwarts with my hair messily pulled over one shoulder, trying vainly to walk and tie the mass of black at the same time. I made it to class with only a few minutes to spare and took one of the few free seats, this one near the front and next to a Ravenclaw. He gave me a half-nervous, half-hostile glance as I situated myself and took the time to use both hands to tie my hair up. In those few seconds where my hair had obscured my vision, I heard my peer utter a high-pitched, nervous squeak before the grinding of his chair sounded and a new presence settled next to me.

I glanced to my left as my hands dropped away from my hair; Morgan was sitting where the Ravenclaw had been, pulling his Charms text out of his bag and setting it open in front of him.

"You weren't at breakfast," Morgan noted, turning to me and setting his chin on one hand. He appraised me offhandedly. "Did you sleep in? Lazy girl."

I stared at him for a moment, before I started to fix my tie and collar. "Were you in this class before?" I mumbled, seriously considering the question. I could have sworn he hadn't been.

"I'll be gone later this afternoon, I have business out of town," Morgan suddenly pulled my tie from my hands and adjusted it for me. When he was finished, he leaned in and pressed a brief kiss to my lips before turning away to his textbook.

I stared at him, almost incredulous. What did he think he was doing, kissing me so casually? Did he think that sometime last night while I'd been dreaming, I'd been mysteriously brainwashed into actually _liking _him? "D-don't kiss me!" I hissed at him, dropping my voice as Professor Flitwick entered the classroom.

"I'll kiss you when I want to kiss you," Morgan muttered in reply, without glancing up from his books.

"I told you I'm tired of fighting you," I replied in an undertone, propping my desk up so the Professor wouldn't notice my mouth moving. "Things like that are supposed to be consensual."

Morgan turned to look at me finally, his hazel eyes narrowed. "I _like _kissing you, I don't care what _you _think about it. And stop lecturing me. Have you scores of other suitors I don't know about that gave you such an experienced outlook on snogging?"

I turned back to my text with a weary sigh; what an incorrigible bastard. "Prat, you know you were my first kiss. But don't think for a second I like you touching me all the time. It's completely inappropriate, and have you even considered that we're from the same-,"

Morgan grabbed my chin suddenly – "Ow!" – and when I was forced to look at him, there was a deep, uncomprehending frown etched into his brow.

"Say that again," his tone was unexpectedly wary.

I winced at his grip on my jaw, mind racing to recall what had just spilled from my mouth. "Say what again?" I asked in confusion, but before Morgan could retort, Professor Flitwick's squeaky voice called us to attention.

"Mr Black! Miss Black! Is there something the two of you would like to share with the class?"

Morgan slowly released my jaw, though he looked irritated at the prospect of conceding to a teacher. I muttered an embarrassed "No sir" before turning back to my books and trying to ignore the strange man beside me who kept sneaking glances in my direction now and then. What was going on? I wondered to myself incredulously. Where was the coldhearted bloody bastard who had dragged me into the streets of London and forced me to kill innocent Muggles with a smirk on his face and cigarette in hand?

Biting my lip, I attempted to focus on the words in front of me. For reasons I didn't understand, Morgan was acting strangely. Maybe even more strangely than Regulus had last night.

What was going on with everyone?

* * *

As I approached the Slytherin table, it was difficult to identify what I was really feeling. Regulus wasn't at lunch, which surprised me. Lucius and Severus were seated across from me, as always, and Narcissa had taken to eating next to Lucius as graduation got closer and so, in turn, did the wedding. I noticed Severus giving me a critical once-over as he dug into his mashed potatoes, as if he expected me to be missing a limb or mortally wounded. I chanced a small smile in his direction, but as usual Severus only sneered in reply to cover for his initial concern. _How cute, _I thought sarcastically. Lucius was another story; he barely glanced up from his plate as I approached my place setting, just a brief flicker of his eyes – up to my face, then back to Narcissa at his right, who was lazily stroking his arm as she sipped her Pumpkin Juice with regal grace. Morgan hadn't shown up yet.

Before I sat down, I surveyed the Great Hall critically. It was buzzing with conversation, as usual, but there was a certain tension, a certain fear almost tangible amongst the students. I didn't need to ask why. Yet again copies of the _Prophet _were scattered across all the House tables, all of them with the same large, bold, damning headlines. I looked hesitantly towards the Head Table, almost expecting to see Dumbledore looking at me with scorn – though I'd never seen a cruel expression on the aged wizard's face. Part of me was relived when I found Dumbledore doing nothing more than chatting lightheartedly to a very tense-looking McGonagall.

I glanced at the Gryffindor table again, closer. Remus wasn't there. He wouldn't be, I thought to myself with a flash of worry. Tonight was the full moon. Sirius was there, though, released from Madame's care early this morning, and I could see a copy of the newspaper sitting next to his elbow. Had he read it? I could discern nothing from his distracted expression as he ate. He ignored the conversation going on around him, though, and sat quietly.

With a small sigh, I settled into my chair and pulled over a platter of chicken thighs.

"Where's Regulus?" I asked at large. No one answered.

Surprised, I looked up. Severus and Lucius were not looking at me, they were eating. I frowned and started to repeat myself. "Where's-,"

"Black!" Someone called out, and I started slightly as a slim but strong hand clamped onto my shoulder.

"What-," I felt myself literally pulled out of my seat, and caught a glance of Severus standing quickly and Lucius sitting up in alarm before I was whirled around to face the furious, tear-stained face of Kelsey Brown.

This was the last thing I'd been expecting, I realized faintly as Kelsey began dragging me towards the exit by my arm. I glanced back long enough to wave in an 'it's okay' gesture at Severus and Lucius before Kelsey pulled me out the door, into the less populated corridor, and whirled to face me.

Her slap stung less than I expected it to, probably because I was used to being manhandled by Morgan – who was stronger than Kelsey in many ways.

"_Tart!_" Kelsey screeched, fresh tears rolling down her face. I could tell she wasn't used to confronting people like this. It would have been amusing, if she didn't look so pained and distraught and _dead serious _as she said it. "You – you _homewrecker! _I-," she was sobbing freely now, "I was – I was _so happy _with him, and you – _YOU-," _She pounded my chest, once, with her tiny little fist. The same way Rebecca had, not too long ago. I haven't seen Rebecca since. "H-h-he never l-looked at me the way he looks at y-you."

_Don__'__t think on it. _"Remus doesn't look at me in any special way."

"Oh, shut up!" Kelsey wailed, looking heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken. Helpless, even. Like she'd lost her way. "If-if you weren't here, if you – he'd still – he wouldn't have broken up with me! He…he's supposed to be _mine!_"

A thrill went through me. He was no longer with her. A fraction of a second later I could have slapped myself for being so insensitive. _Is that all you care about?_ I asked myself viciously. _For Merlin__'__s sake, his girlfriend __–__ ex-girlfriend __–__ is crying her eyes out right in front of you._

I looked down at her sobbing form, and for the first time noticed that if I stood very straight, I was just a little – just a tiny bit – taller than her. Her face was red, her eyes wouldn't stop watering – her thin, attractive body was shaking, and she was still beautiful, even when she was breaking.

"_He wouldn'__t have broken up with me!" _Remus wasn't hers anymore.

And then the words were spilling form my mouth. "No," I murmured, and smiled, feeling light, feeling – blessed – "Remus is not yours." And I knew I should have stopped myself from saying it – _since when was I so possessive __–_but it felt _so good. _"I won't let you have him." I need him.

_I need him. _

And she was crying again, harder now, but she was no longer Kelsey Brown, the Girlfriend of Remus Lupin, and I had no need to pay her attention. Some part of me objected weakly as I turned away and back towards the Great Hall, with a persistent, honestly pleased smile on my face. I was supposed to be feeling something, that faint, wavering voice whispered in me. But the voice was easy to ignore as I sat down, not once surveying the rest of the Great Hall, not even glancing at the newspapers scattered about the table.

"What did that girl want?" Lucius asked me, biting into a slice of pecan pie.

_Remus is not hers anymore. _

"Nothing important," I replied lightly, and dug in to eat. I felt ravenous all of a sudden.

Remus is mine.

* * *

Walking down the Divinity corridor after class was a good time to dawdle, as I had learned from the past months of schooling that there were no Divination classes for the next two hours and so very few people came around. I was all too ready to settle on the windowsill of one of the stained-glass windows and have a nice, peaceful nap with no Morgan to terrorize me, when two arms wrapped around me from behind and squeezed tightly.

"Ivy!" Sirius cackled, his tone excited as he lifted me off the ground and spun about. I yelped in surprise and exasperation. How did he _find _me?

"A motorcycle! A _motorcycle! _Merlin, I love you, did you know that? Ah, c'mere-," Sirius set me down only to squeeze me again and ruffle my hair in that extremely frustrating way. I blinked, dazed and displaced.

"I take it you found your present," I muttered, vainly attempting to smooth down the hair he'd mussed up. Peter and James had appeared on either side of Sirius with identical grins.

"It's brilliant, Ivy," James chortled, looking almost as gleeful as Sirius, who was practically bouncing on his heels in mad joy. His grey eyes danced as he smiled a large, excited, _healthy _smile at me. I felt relieved that he'd gotten his energy back so quickly, and made a mental note to thank Madame later for her good work.

Sirius' grin was contagious. I tried to stifle my pleased smile. "It flies, you know."

"_I know!_"

"How did you get it?" Peter asked, both awed and incredulous. "I didn't think pureblood types knew much about motorcycles-,"

"I saw a big man riding one outside of London last month," I replied before Sirius could catch the 'pureblood' barb, "It was loud, and fast. Noisy. Almost like it was made for you, Sirius."

I neglected to mention that I nicked the motor-whatsit off that same man while he was in a rest stop. Details like that were inconsequential, at best. Instead I watch Sirius settle down a bit – just a bit – and bounce lightly on the balls of his feet. I chanced a glance out the windows. The sky was streaked with orange. "Shouldn't you be with Remus?"

"We were on our way," James explained brightly. "But not to worry; Moony is already out of the castle."

As if that was what I was worried about, I thought to myself, but didn't reply. Instead I looked back at Sirius. "You're looking better," I commented.

"So are you," Sirius returned brightly. Pleased as he was, it was like watching a big canine scramble about in excitement. He prodded my cheek a bit, and smiled wider. "There's meat on those bones again."

_I__'__ve been getting my appetite back, _was what I almost said, but managed to swallow the words. I didn't want to jinx myself. "I've been sleeping better," I said instead, which is a fairly safe thing to say. My sleep patterns were just as on and off as usual, what with a dark-haired werewolf making numerous and rather embarrassing appearances in my dreams – er, nightmares – as of late.

"That's odd," Peter said.

Surprised, both Sirius and I looked at him at the same time. The smallish boy was one of the Marauders I hardly ever saw, and heard even less. I'd thought I made him nervous, but judging by the strange way his eyes were stuck on me right now, I was rethinking my original theory.

"Odd?" I repeated curiously.

"What does that mean, Wormtail?" Sirius prompted, and though his voice was calm, his weight shifted to half-obscure me from the boy's vision, and his hand naturally closed about mine. Even subconsciously, I thought with a flash of shame, Sirius felt he had to defend me from everyone. Including his own friends.

Peter's eyes flickered between our faces, and then to James, who walked around to stand on Peter's other side, looking equally as confused. "Er," the boy stuttered. "I just thought – what with, well, what happened at Godric's Hollow –,"

It felt as though someone had dumped ice water over my head. _Oh. Godric__'__s Hollow. Oh. _

"Shut up, Peter!" James hissed.

"No," I said. I suddenly felt like I was choking. "He's right." Not even two days had passed since I'd wreaked havoc on the village of Godric's Hollow and here I was, chatting and relaxing with friends? What was _wrong _with me? How could I have forgotten – no, not forgotten, I'd never _forgotten _– how could I have so easily dismissed my thoughts on the subject?

I was getting used to killing others.

I should be feeling something right now. Guilty. I should be feeling guilty. I pressed my free hand to my forehead, waiting for the routine wash of nausea I usually felt when I considered myself and the horrendous acts I'd taken part in.

Nothing came.

"Shove off, Peter," Sirius' voice was low and cold as he grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me into his side. I felt him pause a moment. His tone dropped even lower. "You're shaking." Was I? I almost laughed, but only shivered harder. I felt terrified, like I'd seen a Dementor, like all my wrongs had been put in front of me – but it wasn't my past actions that scared me, it was my own empty reaction to seeing them.

I turned my head, and looked down to Pettigrew. He was staring at me still, with an unsettling, almost fascinated expression. His watery eyes flew only fleetingly to James, who was scolding him in undertones, before looking back at me. More specifically, at my arm where the Dark Mark was branded.

"Peter," Sirius' voice startled me. "I said _shove off."_

Peter was smart enough to realize that the calmer Sirius' voice got the angrier he was becoming. He turned and left, with one final, considering glance I my direction. Sirius also watched him go, with frustrated eyes.

"Pete's been off lately," James said, turning back to me with a smile that said _please forgive him_. "His parents are divorcing. Don't hold what he said against him."

"I-it was an honest question," I said. I took a deep breath, trying to gather my wits. The question of _what is happening to me ran_ through my mind like a mantra. "He's right. I should be…he's right."

"Stop it," Sirius said sharply. His hand squeezed my shoulder tightly, as though he thought if he lessened the pressure I would be wrested away from him by some invisible hand. I looked up at him, focused on his face, and saw the fear and frustration in his grey eyes. He was scared for me.

_Or was he scared _of _me?_

_Shut up, shut up, shut up, _I told myself, all the while conjuring a slight smile to my lips. "It's okay," I said, and lingered near his warmth for only another moment before I gently unlocked his fingers from my robes, squeezing his hand in reassurance. "I'm okay. Don't worry."

Sirius said nothing, the broad grin from earlier entirely gone from his face. I was so easily able to convince others with my lies, but with a stab of fear I realized Sirius wasn't buying it. With effort, I widened my smile pleasantly. "Sorry about Pettigrew's parents."

"Ivy, wait," With conscious effort, I looked at James curiously as he stepped in the space I'd created between myself and my brother. Sirius continued to stare at me over James' shoulder, expression unreadable. James adjusted his glasses and took a deep breath. "About Godric's Hollow – what you did--,"

"I couldn't disobey-,"

"—thank you," James' expression was partly uncertain, like he knew it wasn't exactly the sentiment he should associate with the incident, but there was gratitude shining at me from his eyes. "You didn't have to save my parents, but you did."

"I didn't _save _them," I started, but that wasn't right. Though it made me uncomfortable to hear that I had 'saved' someone. 'Helped' was a better term. And besides – "It only makes me a worse person. I…_assisted _your parents only because I know you, and, afterwards, would have had to face you. Most likely kill you."

He was supposed to go cold after that statement, but evidently he knew I was trying to scare him off. Sirius was still watching me, closely, over the bespectacled boy's shoulder. I almost jumped when James leaned forwards and grabbed my hand. "Ivy," he said slowly, "I owe you for this. I do."

I knew he wasn't personally trying to make me feel worse, but he was succeeding in leaps and bounds. I felt a little sick, but I managed to nod a little, and felt pained as he grinned back at me. "My dad wants to meet you."

_I am not your hero_, I wanted to say, and shake him till he got it right. "Stop it, Potter," I mumbled, feeling a little lost, and a lot helpless.

"No, really," James laughed slightly, like he thought I was just putting up a front. "He-,"

"Oi, Prongs," Sirius interrupted suddenly. I avoided eye contact, the sneaking suspicion that no matter what I did Sirius would see right through me. "Moony's waiting for us. You can praise her later."

James paused and exchanged a glance with my brother before flashing me one last goodbye smile and walking away from me, Sirius' taller frame at his side. I couldn't help but notice that from the back, they looked like brothers. Same dark, unkempt hair, same relaxed posture.

"Take care of-of you-know-who, okay?" I called at their backs, and tried not to blush when Sirius glanced back at me and raised an arm in acknowledgement.

"Stay out of the woods," he called back plainly. Then he and Potter turned a corner, and I was left alone with my thoughts.

* * *

It was midnight, and I should have been in bed. Instead, I was staring out the window in my dormitory, down at the moonlit school grounds and calling myself every kind of idiot. Why was I sitting here? Did I really expect to get a glance of a giant wolf loping across the grounds?

"Stupid," I whispered at myself, bumping my forehead gently against the cool glass.

"Yes," a voice answered idly, "You are."

"Severus!" I shrieked in surprise as I whirled about, coming face to face with the pallid seventh year. "W-w-what are you, er, doing up so late?"

Severus raised a brow. "I could ask you the same," he said idly. "Why have you been staring so avidly out that window?" his tone told me he already had a good idea, and I wondered just how long he'd been standing there before I'd noticed. Sneaky fellow, Severus was.

"It's just – the scenery – breathtaking -,"

"I admit Potter and his fellow sidekicks are a daft group," Severus intoned, stalking up next to me but hardly glancing out the window, "But even _they _aren't stupid enough to openly frolic about the grounds."

"I _knew _that," I protested rather weakly. "But I've never seen a real werewolf before. I wonder how large he is?"

"Large," Severus answered. Lucky he wasn't being too vague or anything, I thought venomously. Severus turned to the window, staring down at the far side of the lake, where the Forest began. "I suppose you have a chance of seeing it tonight in particular."

I almost lost sight of the point Severus was trying to get across, so caught up in my own indignance at hearing Remus be called an 'it'. How dare he, what had Remus ever done to him? I _highly _doubted _Remus _had ever been the one to outright jinx Severus, and just because somewhere out there Remus had a tail and more legs than usual didn't mean –

Wait.

"'Tonight in particular'?" I repeated quizzically. "What do you mean, Severus?"

Severus stared down his nose at the grounds outside, looking critical, as usual. As if the grounds had failed to meet his extremely high expectations. "Your insufferable cousin might drive it out of the forest in the process of detaining it."

My stomach dropped.

"Detaining it?" I choked out.

Severus cut a glance in my direction. "The Dark Lord has asked him to apprehend the creature and bring him to the hideout. You know the Dark Lord has been recruiting magical creatures as of late."

I tried to swallow; my mouth was too dry. "B-but he'd never agree to it," I breathed.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "He does not need to," he replied slowly, as speaking to someone exceptionally slow. "You know as well as I that during the full moon a werewolf is incapable of human intelligence. The Dark Lord would simply keep Lupin locked away until the full moon, at which time it is a simple matter of unleashing it into a crowd-,"

Slowly, I reached out and put a hand on Severus' shoulder. Severus sneered at the contact, but I hardly noticed. "Severus," I managed to say.

"What now?"

I could barely hide the panic in my voice. "Sorry about this." My hand tightened on his shoulder, and in the three seconds it took me to raise my wand, I felt only a distant pang of regret in the growing sense of fear.

"_Stupefy!_"

I was halfway through the common room door before Severus' body had crumpled to the floor. I would apologize later, I swore to myself. I would _explain _later. Somehow. It didn't matter. What mattered was –

As I ran, I pulled a spare scrap of parchment from my pocket, and after a hasty check to make sure it wasn't the enchanted parchment I used with the Marauders, I crumpled it in one hand and whispered an incantation. Then I threw it into the air; as it sailed, it reformed itself into a small crane and floated away of its own accord, towards Dumbledore's Office, with my message imprinted on its wings. I clutched my wand tightly in my hand as I dashed down three flights of stairs and through two winding corridors – at one point, Mrs Norris came into my field of vision, but I had little time to fret over her presence or what it entailed, and kept running towards the Entrance Hall, only stopping to haul open the heavy castle door before I shot outside and towards the dark Forest, illuminated by the strong light of the full moon.

As soon as I entered the Forest, I raised my wand high above my head, panting heavily but afraid to slow down. "_Lumos maximus!"_ Wand lighting my way, I jumped over tree roots and small hills, eyes glancing frantically over the landscape for a flash of movement. I couldn't hear any spells being cast. I had to find Morgan before he found Remus.

_But what will you do when you find him? _A voice whispered in the back of my mind.

_Kill him. _

_But what if you find Remus first?_

I hadn't thought of what do to then, and I wasn't going to start now. I cursed loudly to myself as my foot caught on something big and I tripped, colliding with the hard earth painfully. I kept a tight grip on my wand, holding it up to illuminate whatever I'd just fallen over – and froze.

"Sirius?" I gasped, crawling towards the body lying face down in the dirt. "S-Sirius!" I grabbed his shoulder and shook him, but Sirius' limp body did not stir. Frantically, I pushed him to lie on his back and pressed my ear to his dirtied and torn robes, and almost groaned in relief when I heard his heartbeat, strong and sure. Only unconscious.

Another strange shadow caught my attention. I raised my wand higher, and gasped as Peter's body, then James' body came into view, both of them as roughed up and unconscious as my brother.

"Funny bunch, the lot of them," a voice came from behind me, and I shot up, startled. Morgan's sharp features glowed eerily in my wand's light. He smirked. "Playing around with a werewolf, of all things. Dangerous stuff."

"Morgan," I whispered. Morgan cocked his head, but didn't move from his position leaning against one of the many hundred-foot-tall trees. He was looking at me oddly.

"What are you doing out here, anyways?" he asked plainly. "It's dangerous."

_Do it now. _"I-," I couldn't move. I glanced back down at Sirius' unconscious form just at my heels. "Morgan, I-," _Why are you chatting at a time like this?! Kill him, kill him, kill him - !_

Morgan scoffed at me absently, already raising his wand with a flourish. "In any case-,"

Morgan had pushed himself off the tree, but as he hopped over a tree root and glanced back up, I saw him go completely still. In that moment, hot, moist breath puffed against the back of my head. A cold, wet something pressed into my bare skin, sniffing.

I felt my entire body seize up. Something brushed against my shoulder, very lightly, and yet the weight behind the brief contact made my body jolt forwards slightly. The cold something trace down to my arm. I turned my head just slightly, swallowing a scream when all I could see was thick, chocolate fur.

_Oh, Merlin. _

I locked down on the instinct to bolt and the urge to turn and take in the full effect of the four-legged mass of claws and teeth now sampling my scent. My concentration faltered entirely; my wand light went out. A great shudder went up my spine before I forcibly froze myself, scared that if I moved, if I twitched just an inch from my stance, those large, white fangs would sink into my arm and snap the bone into tiny splinters beyond Madame's capability to heal.

_You're going to die now, _a part of me whispered. _You're going to die, Ivy._

Morgan took a very slow step towards me, eyes never leaving the softly growling creature with its massive jaws merely a gentle nudge from snapping into my collarbone and puncturing my heart.

"Ivy," Morgan began softly, in a forced-calm. His face was bereft of all colour. "Come here. Slowly."

I saw his wand raise, a stun curse already upon his lips, waiting for me to get even a few feet away before he tried to capture the animal - the werewolf - the Gryffindor - the young man that Voldemort wanted to confine and manipulate for what may very well be the rest of his natural life.

'_You know,_' Potter had once said to me,_ 'One day you'll have to pick a side, and stick with it.'_

My wand hand was already raised, though the tip had gone out.

"Ivy," Morgan repeated his forced calm crumbling somewhat though his voice didn't rise. His gaze was locked on the animal behind me. There was a flash of tension across his features. "Move. You _need _to _move._"

Aiming the wand took only a turn of the wrist.

Move I did.

So did the wolf.

Three things happened at once; in a matter of moments - the wolf, done his careful and curious perusal of my person made to walk in front of me, giving Morgan a clear shot to stun him. Morgan stepped forwards, shouting _stupefy! _the same moment _avada kedarva! _burst from my lips, and the blinding flash of red and green dazed me for the briefest of instances before the wolf's wild snarls overtook my initial indecision and I bolted to the left, in the direction I assumed the castle was in. I heard the heavy lope of the wolf as if pursued and felt a thrill of fear shoot up my chest and squeeze my heart as snarls sounded in my ears -

Then something hurtled into me from an entirely different direction with enough forced to send us both flying to the left. _The curse missed him! _Morgan's hands encircled my neck with terrifying precision even as we crested the edge of a steep cliff and fell over the other side into the muddy banks running for some thirty feet, towards a wide stream. I felt something snap, and shrieked loudly when my back took the brunt of the initial slam into the mud five feet down from the cliff edge, but Morgan's thumbs closed down on my windpipe and he refused to release me even as we rolled at break-neck speed down the slope, narrowly dodging large trees in the process -

The thought flew through my head only three seconds before Morgan, swearing profusely, twisted suddenly and my back jarred against a wide pine trunk, suddenly and violently halting our tumble down the slope. A strange crunching sound came from my body and I shrieked again, pain blotting my vision.

"You bitch!" Morgan was screaming at me, his eyes angry and wild and hurt as he squeezed down on my throat. "You tried to kill me!"

Only when a sob escaped my throat did I realize that tears wear falling freely down my face, and had been since that first contact with the mud slope. Past his shoulder, I could see the wolf at the edge of the cliff now high above us, pacing and snarling, beautiful in a deadly and terrifying way. Nonetheless, my dirtied fingers were still locked in a vice grip about my wand, which was digging so hard into Morgan's ribs throughout the entirety of the fall I was sure it had broken skin. "_Avada-_,"

"SHUT UP! You _stupid-,_"

He released my neck to hit me, hard across the face - but his shout, almost like a beckoning, made the wolf suddenly stop pacing and make the decision to follow us down the muddy slope. He moved tentatively at first, seeing if the uneven ground would hold his massive weight, but to my horror it did and within seconds the wolf was running down the mud slope with ease and precision. Morgan saw my eyes widen and turned to see it approaching. _"Fuck!" _he snapped with obvious vexation, and then he'd bodily picked me up by my collar and thrown me down the slope. Either to my death or to avoid it, I was never sure.

I was rolling roughly down the cliffside when at one point I was able to angle my shielded face to look at the scene taking place above me; through my tears and the haze of my own pain I saw the wolf advance full-speed to the tree Morgan sat against; I saw Morgan raise his wand, and whatever hex he used bounce off of the wolf, useless. Then I saw the wolf dart forward, jaws open, and snap his teeth closed about Morgan's middle.

I must have screamed, because the wolf dropped Morgan faster than I could compute and lunged in my direction - but then the slope ended beneath me and I dropped into a deep stream that hurriedly carried me away from the scene. A second splash alerted me that Morgan - his body - had fallen into the water as well.

There was no time to think, yell, move - though the werewolf threat was lessening for every second the strong current moved us away from the cliff, it was that same current that kept trying to mercilessly pull me under the water. What's worse, I could barely swim to begin with. Water burned my throat, lungs and nostrils as I fought to kick myself towards the surface for only a brief gasp of air.

My body held no strength in the face of the current. Like a rag doll I was thrown against outcropping rocks and more than once knocked my head against stone hard enough to black out a couple times. A handful of times I was pushed against the riverbank, but could not find purchase on the wet mud and was easily torn away by the waves. It occurred to me to scream for help, but no one was around to help me - and though the wolf had no pursued me into the river, I did not want to draw attention to myself again - because next time I doubted I would escape alive.

I was almost unconscious from fighting the current when the river finally emptied into a large, calm pool. I shoved myself gracelessly towards the grassy bank and dug my fingers desperately into the soft grass, too exhausted to have my body onto the shore. Long minutes passed as I floated in the freezing cold water, forehead pressed into the grass, coughing violently to clear my lungs of water. Seconds turned to minutes, and I realized, belatedly, that I had started sobbing into my drenched sleeve.

I stared down at my left hand, fisted about something. When I forced my fingers to slowly release it, a small, splintered shaft of wood rolled onto the grass. Somewhere in the confusion, my wand hand snapped in two.

"S-stop crying," I moaned to myself, reaching up with my only available hand to pat my cheeks of their wetness.

I was too tired to think, to _breathe. _My hands were beginning to slip in the loose dirt, and I physically could not force myself to scramble onshore. My body ached. I couldn't think straight with the freezing water sloshing at me through my thin cloaks. I wanted to give up. I wanted to sleep.

I had just closed my eyes when I felt someone's fingers dig into my collar and bodily heave me onto the shore. Blearily, I opened my eyes and made out Morgan's hard features. His cloak and dress shirt alike were stained with blood and drenched to boot; by the way his every breath was quivering, I gathered he was just as freezing and exhausted as I was, if not more.

When Morgan's shaking hand circled my jaw and slammed my head into the ground, I started rethinking my assessment. "What the _fuck _were you thinking? _Huh?!_" he squeezed my jaw hard enough to jar my lower teeth against the upper painfully. I whimpered. "What the fuck are you trying to kill me for, damnit?! We're being hunted by a goddamned _werewolf _and you think it's the time to try and snuff me out?! You - _stupid_ -,"

He sank his fingers into the wet tangles of my hair and yanked, hard, forcing my head back. He glared at me, despite the shake in his voice from pain and exertion. For a long moment, he just looked at me angrily, jaw set. I felt sure that he was deciding how to kill me.

"H-he b-bit you," I whispered, teeth chattering. The red staining his shirt seemed to me the most damning thing. Remus would never forgive himself. "I-I'm sorry I d-didn't kill y-you first." If only I hadn't missed him, Remus wouldn't have to go through the pain of knowing he had sentenced someone else to his curse.

Morgan lifted me to my knees by my hair, breathing heavily. For one scarce moment, his brow furrowed, and his hand tightened against my scalp, and I was certain, _certain, _that he was about to snap my thin neck. A minute passed in terse silence, punctuated only by a long, haunting howl somewhere within the dark depths of the forest. The wolf was not nearby, but not far off, either.

Only when Morgan moved did I realize I had closed my eyes again. Roughly, I felt my head shoved against his shoulder. "Fuck," Morgan snapped again, gathering up my body as he stood and started walking along the riverside, back the way we had come on the current. He had only taken five steps when the sky above us cracked open in a shot of lightning, and rain came pouring down in torrents. He cursed again, but this time it was a lot less vehement, as if he was getting too tired to speak properly.

I couldn't understand him, I thought to myself. I could feel him shaking; or was that me? Why was he carrying me? I had just tried to kill him twice. He'd been bitten by a werewolf because of me. "Morgan," I rasped, "Put me d-d-down-,"

"Ivy, you better shut the fuck up," the vehemence was back. I supposed that was a good sign. Was I still trying to kill him? I could barely move. Did I still _want _to kill him? Why had I screamed when I saw Remus' teeth sink into him? His grip on my shoulders tightened, looking to find purchase on my sopping wet cloak. "You're such a _stupid _girl," he muttered, a definite slur in his voice now. "A s-stupid…_weepy _girl." His steps started to falter, the rain pounding down on us; Morgan stumbled and fell sideways, his shoulder bracing against the damp trunk of a tree. His legs gave out, and we slid down the tree into the soggy grass. It only took a small shrug of my shoulders to get his hands to fall away from me. I lifted my head.

"M…Morgan?" his eyes were unfocused and only half open. There was no longer any sign that his dress shirt had once been white. He kept swallowing, like there was something stuck in his throat and he was trying not to choke on it.

Morgan's hand came up and grabbed my shoulder, pulling me forwards. I almost thought he would kiss me, but he just pressed my brow to his and traced my jaw with his thumb, his uneven breath puffing against my ear.

"Can't kill you," he rasped. "Don't know why. Tried so many…times…thousands of times…"

His head slipped down to my shoulder, and his fingers stopped stroking my cheek.

"Dunno why," he breathed again.

I hiccupped softly, and in the first willing gesture I had ever made between the two of us, lifted a hand to stroke the back of his neck.

A small sigh came from the man leaning against me, one final exhale; and then, nothing.

There was no sound in the darkness of the Forest except for the gentle thunder of rain pounding against the earth. It almost sounded like faint applause.

I stared at the trunk of the tree with a corpse in my arms, unable to look anywhere else. He had loved me, some calm and detached part of my mind explained simply.

He'd loved me.

Slowly, I set my chin on top of the dark head of hair against my shoulder, and wished I knew why I was crying.

* * *

The rain had not let up when I opened my eyes, hours later. By this time I was sure I was sick, and maybe quite seriously - the only reason I had woken up again to begin with was the loud howl that sounded from somewhere nearby.

Startled, I scrambled to my feet before I could gain my bearings - only to stumble under the weight of a dead body against mine. Half awake, I hastened away from the body only to have my back scream in protest. Finally, I stood about five feet away from where Morgan's body had slid to lay face-first in the mud.

I swore to myself to stop thinking of him, and turned firmly in the opposite direction, trying to think clearly. The storm prevented me from judging how close to sunrise it was, but it felt as though I'd been sleeping for hours, which meant the sun was bound to come up soon. I took a calming breath, and regained my bearings slowly.

I tried to peer up the river, the way I had inevitably come, but saw no recognizable landmarks anywhere. I was deep in the Forest, that was unquestionable. Even as I did a three hundred and sixty degree turn, eyes neatly jumping over Morgan's body, I realized that I was totally lost.

With no better plan, I picked a direction and started walking - or rather, stumbling, mind sluggishly processing my situation. Remus was running unchecked through the Forest, but he was alive and uninjured as far as I knew, which is more than I could say for everyone else involved in tonight's happenings. Morgan was - dead. The Marauders were probably still somewhere at the edge of the forest, unconscious, but still out in the open and I feared the wolf might find them and do something to them, as well. But no, I tried to convince myself, I had alerted Dumbledore to the situation what seemed like ages ago and surely he had already found the boys and taken them to safety...

A long howl coloured the otherwise quiet atmosphere. I froze, glancing about nervously. He was close by. I heard something huge crashing through trees and shrubbery alike behind me and instinctively threw myself on the ground only moments before the wolf's massive form hurtled over me, landing with deadly grace only feet away from where I lay. His sharp white teeth were bared, body crouched to the ground as I struggled to stand, shaking like a leaf.

_You're going to die, Ivy._

He pounced; with only one swipe of his massive paw I was knocked to the ground. The wolf held me in place with that single paw sitting on my chest, his claws digging into my flesh. I wheezed painfully. _Can't breathe! I can't breathe - !_

The growling stopped suddenly. I tried to look up at my killer, only to find the wolf staring avidly to the east, in an almost human fashion. He backed off of me slowly, still looking eastwards.

The sun, I realized belatedly, slowly rising to my knees. I tried to stand, but my legs would not hold me. I was too scared to move my eyes from the wolf. The sun was about to rise, and I hadn't noticed because of the heavy overcast sky.

A shudder ran up the wolf's body then. He began to growl again, but differently now; the sounds came to my ears in short, harsh snarls as his body began to heave, as if he was having a seizure.

My eyes widened as I realized what was happening before my eyes. Quickly I whipped around, putting my back towards the budding transformation taking place. I had promised, I warned myself desperately. As the snarls changed in pitch and tone, I could better recognize the sounds as loud, human groans of pain. I wanted desperately to cover my ears but I couldn't with one arm broken. Instead, I bit my lip hard and counted backwards from one hundred in my head, sliding my good hand over my mouth. _I promised not to look. I promised. I __promised__. _

It was a hard word to keep, especially when counting backwards did nothing to help the sickening cracks and pops I could hear behind me, the snapping and grinding of bones and a wet sound I didn't want to begin to place. All of these were coated by Remus' own pain-filled grunts and cries.

When it was quiet again, I opened my eyes not realizing I'd closed them. The sky was still a tumultuous black, and there was no sun I could see.

I waited a long moment, afraid of intruding on Remus' transformation, afraid of what I might find if I turned around. It was so quiet now, that I could hear every loud beat of my heart pounding in my ears. Finally, unable to bear the silence, I turned back to the scene. "R-Remus?"

His body lay where the wolf had been. I crawled over as quickly as I could manage with one injured arm. When I finally reached his side, I sucked in a startled breath at his appearance. He was covered in dirt and blood, and completely naked. His dark brown hair was a mess upon his head, his breath escaping him in heavy pants as though he had just run a race. His eyes, the same dark eyes of the wolf, were set upon me. He looked as though all of his energy had escaped him. I could understand nothing of his expression, other than incredible weariness.

"Ivy," Remus said weakly. "I'm sorry…I…"

"Remus," I murmured mournfully, afraid to touch him, afraid to hurt him more. My hands hovered over his bare chest helplessly for a moment, before I inwardly shook myself. "Okay. A-alright." I pulled my cloak from my shoulders with some trouble, and held it in my uninjured hand, concentrating hard. My vision was clouded with black spots for a moment as the cloak grew larger in my hands to match Remus' taller frame. Finally, I turned back to him and took his arm in my hand. "Remus, I n-need you to sit up…yes, th-th-there we go…yes, you're alright…" I eased him into a sitting position and pulled the cloak around his shoulders, lifting the hood up over his head and tugging the material over his battered body to shield as much of him as I could.

"You're hurt," Remus breathed, grabbing my injured arm. He released it as though he'd been scalded. "Ivy…you're freezing…"

"Oh," I mumbled as though I was surprised; why I was making such a vain attempt to downplay my ailments I wasn't sure. "I s-suppose I'm a little ch-ch-chilly…R-Remus…are you hurt b-badly?"

He didn't reply. He looked barely conscious. Remus shifted slightly, and them I felt my knees picked up from under me as he scooped my up, fitting my knees on either side of his waist and wrapped my arms about his neck so we were stomach-to-stomach. He started walking in what I assumed to be a random expression, sky thundering angrily overhead.

"R-Remus - what are y-you-,"

"You're drenched, Ivy," he said in a low, strained voice. "You're freezing. If you don't get dry and warm, you'll die."

"That's nonsense," I said helplessly. Did I truly look so terrible that I needed to be carried everywhere, by men just as injured as I? Remus could not put up with the strain I was putting on his body, and I couldn't stand to hurt him any further. "Please, put…me down," I begged, watching fearfully as new blood started to run from a cut in his neck. I tried to look around, but moving my head sent the world spinning. Even I could hear the slur in my speech. "I can…walk-,"

"No," he said softly, but in the brief glance he spared me, he had the wolf's eyes again. "Don't fight me."

I don't know how long he walked before we reached an overhang some four feet off the ground in a rocky cliff wall, sheltering a large, dry expanse of dirt from the rain. I thought I heard thunder crack in the distance, but by the time Remus set me down on the earth, I was hardly capable of keeping up with the goings-on around me. Remus propped me against the cliff wall, and disappeared from my limited vision for a few long moments; when he returned, I felt a close warmth and a familiar crackling sound - fire.

Remus filled my vision as he knelt next to me, quickly but gently unbuttoning my blouse. I was helpless to stop him. Even I was aware that something was seriously wrong with my body; I could hardly breathe. "Re…Remus…what…"

"Shh," Remus soothed as he removed the rest of my icy wet clothing in as matter-of-fact a way as possible. He then shed the cloak I had given him, and pulled me tightly against his body. I realized then how cold I was. It felt like his body was searing my skin. It felt good.

Remus lay down, sandwiching my body between the earth and him. Remus was breathing harshly in my ear, obviously exhausted from the energy he'd been forced to use to bring us here.

"I'm sorry," Remus breathed against my ear, sounding pained and weak. "I'm so sorry."

* * *

_A/N: _Sharing body heat is a last-resort method for extreme hypothermia. Never assume the victim of hypothermia is dead until they are _completely warmed. _That is my First Aid lesson to all of you!

tbc.


	21. Interlude: The Animal

It's just a short one, sorry :D University's starting back up this week, but I hope to get some writing done soon.

Don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

**Interlude: The Animal**

Remus did what he could to dress her before she woke up.

It was a half-hearted, rather pathetic attempt on his part to make Ivy less inclined to run away from him when she awoke. He wasn't even sure if that was what he wanted or not. Have Ivy stay with him, for the sake of his sanity, or have her far away from him, for the sake of hers? He shook his head slightly, forehead pressed deeply into the crook of her neck as he tried to gather enough energy to fit one of her blouse buttons through the correct hole, before moving on to the next. Thinking was difficult. All he knew was he didn't want to dirty himself further in the girl's perception by looking like some kind of rapist when she awoke.

The dark-haired werewolf gave up on the fourth button, sliding his arms from in between them to spread across the red earth on either side of Ivy's ribcage; sinking his body back onto hers, melding once again into the soothing warmth their bodies had produced after several hours of lying together.

Remus was very familiar with the after-effects of the full moon, but they were no easier to cope with than the very first transformation he had suffered through. Even hours after dawn Remus had not slept for even a few moments despite the physical exhaustion screaming through his muscles. Tremors of pain ran up and down his spine - though they were not as strong as usual, absorbed as they were by the smaller body beneath his. Remus' eyes burned and itched maddeningly, every draw of breath bringing with it a mind-numbing sensory overload of fire, rain, woods, musk, and Ivy, oh Merlin, Ivy. But perhaps the worst of it all was the confusion of my own mind, instinct muddled with clear thinking, an animal's thoughts warping in and out of the man's. He suspected it had been well over five hours since Ivy had succumbed to her exhaustion, or hypothermia, or a mix of both - and still he was trying to piece together the events of last night into something coherent.

When the wolf took over in the light of the moon, Remus' awareness dropped from that of a regular, practically thinking human to that of a feral creature; nothing was recorded in his mind from the encounter in a way he could easily recount as a human. There were only senses, flashes. _Smells. _Two humans. _Sounds. _Yells. _Tastes. _Blood.

Remus shuddered at the thought. Human blood, he reminded himself scathingly, staring at the dark patches of red staining Ivy's blouse.

But the blood _wasn__'__t_ Ivy's, he reminded himself, though Remus' hands had started rubbing her shoulders of their own accord in what he could attribute to an attempt to generate heat. Though she had been bleeding from a head wound when dawn had broken, it could not have been he who caused the wound. If his werewolf counterpart were to take her small skull within its jaws, there would have been nothing left of her above her shoulders. Remus hissed softly at the image his mind's eye provided and twined his fingers snugly into Ivy's dark hair. No, he had not bitten her, but he was more than certain she knew who his victim was. Her clothing was generously stained with blood not her own, set to dry in a pile by the fire.

Remus had tried and tried to remember what he had done - who he had done it to, but no matter how often the young man wracked his memories all he could come up with were intelligible shouts, the blur of trees, and the sensation of his teeth sinking into that soft human flesh like a knife into butter. The instant flooding of blood on his tongue. The _crack _of bones between his jaws.

With years of experience, those memories were pushed aside. Even with their repression Remus felt no less disgusted with himself. _What kind of human being am I?_

The cold, dark part of him responded easily. _You aren__'__t one. _

He had sunk my teeth into a human, with the intent to kill. Even if Remus had not killed this person, he had sentenced them to a life of pain, guilt, and scorn as a werewolf. He could not decide which was the lesser of the two evils.

"Monster," Remus whispered aloud to himself, just to feel the answering sting of remorse and dejection. He buried his nose in Ivy's soft hair. "Monster, monster, monster."

Whilst the shivers of pain were fading, his hands were no more steady. They shook terribly with guilt. _How could you? _I wished this life on no one. _You are a sodding ignorant fool. _He knew there were risks when he left the safety of the Shrieking Shack to romp about on school grounds. Remus knew there was always the chance, just the smallest chance that Sirius and James would slip up somewhere and he would escape their watchful eyes. But he still stupidly took the gamble. And here he was, with none of his fellow Marauders in sight, an unknown person somewhere in the woods possibly dead or dying, and a sick Ivy Black in his company.

Remus pressed his cheek to hers, comparing temperatures; still cool to the touch, but greatly improved from when he had first laid down with her, her little body shivering like a leaf. For what felt like the hundredth time that morning, he pondered Ivy's presence. He was angry with her. Why had Ivy left the safety of the castle? She had no excuse, none that Remus could find. She was fully aware of the threat he presented to her the night of the full moon. She knew how he felt about her seeing him in his darkest hour, and he had good reason for it. Just look at her now; after only one night, he had reduced her to a creature on the brink of freezing to death, bleeding from a head wound and beaten black and blue.

Remus shook his head slowly from side to side, blinking slowly, and squeezed her little body tighter to him. The wolf liked having her close, but that was no great shock to the man; the wolf had demonstrated to Remus - at the most inconvenient of times, just how much Ivy's presence affected him.

As if to prove his point, Remus caught his fingers tracing Ivy's thigh and cursed softly as he forced his hand back to its more acceptable place at the small of her back. _Unproper_, Remus warned myself forcibly. _Sirius__'__ little sister. You are trying to molest Sirius__'__ little sister in her sleep. No, no, no, no, no. _

He could be angry with her later, Remus decided. When she was well enough to appreciate it, and he was far enough away to keep himself from touching her.

* * *

Remus knew the minute, the second, that Ivy regained consciousness. Even though she didn't move, she took that initial deep breath most do upon waking. He felt the flutter of lashes against his throat.

"Remus?" she mumbled softly. Remus held onto her gentle tone, curled in it, memorized it. It was irrational to think she would say his name with such familiarity once she fully awoke. He pressed his face into her hair. She was smothered in his scent, but hers was there too; heady, familiar.

"How do you feel?" he asked after a long moment.

Ivy murmured incoherently, took a deep breath. "Okay," she answered with uncertainty. Remus closed his eyes, wanting to shut out her coming reaction.

"Ivy?"

"Hm…"

"Do you remember what happened last night?"

Silence followed. Remus braced himself for - what? Fear, hurt, betrayal? He loosened his grasp on her, just enough so that it wouldn't hurt so much when she pushed away.

"I'm sorry, Remus," Ivy sighed deeply, lifting her head to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry you had to go through all this."

Remus stared at her. Dread and relief filled his at the same time; He drew a shuddering breath. "I bit someone," he said slowly, confirming his worst fears. Ivy looked down. "Who was it? Are they okay?" Of course they weren't okay. When she hesitated, Remus sat up on one arm. "Ivy?"

Ivy inhaled slowly, scanning the outside scenery with half lidded eyes. "Morgan," she responded finally, looking back at him. "It was Morgan Black."

Remus was terrified. Out of all the people in this world, he to attack the one person who could ruin their lives; Morgan Black, who was around Ivy so often, and - and he certainly wouldn't be careful - and then he'd be so much stronger than her, and what if he - to Ivy -

"You don't have to worry," Ivy murmured, looking away again. "He's dead."

Dead.

Remus heard himself gasp.

Dead.

The brown-haired man drew in a breath; released it. He smoothed his hands together slowly, and licked his lips. Stood. He seemed too hot all of a sudden, running a fever, yet shivering violently at the same time. Remus started to pace - the rock walls got blurry, and Remus stopped, shut his eyes, leant heavily against the stone and stared at the outside world. He passed a shaking hand over his face.

_You knew it would happen one day. _

The smell of pumpkin wafted to him; Ivy touched his arm, her body brushing close against his. Soft. Alive.

"I-," Remus choked on his own words and shivered again. His throat was tight and dry. "I don't know what to do."

Someone would find the body. Someone would know it was a werewolf attack. With the close proximity of the school, Hogwarts would come under scrutiny. He would be exposed - and then the Ministry would get word of him. Out of all the people to kill, his victim had been a Pureblood - and the already archaic Minister of Magic would be a slave to the influence of the old wizarding families. His death warrant was as good as signed.

Remus slid down the wall to sit, feeling nauseous. After a moment, Ivy leant down next to him.

"Remus," she whispered, "I need you listen carefully." She stroked his head gently, and Merlin, it felt blissful. He wanted to disappear into her, he wanted to stay there with her and never move, never face what he had done. "I am going to take care of this. You aren't to blame. Morgan was trying to make you Voldemort's prisoner. Do you understand? I am going to fix this. Can you tell me which direction the river is? The one I found you near?"

"You can't fix this, Ivy," Remus murmured, tone shaking. "A man is dead." He choked on the word, locked his jaw against the sob rising in his throat. He couldn't meet her eyes, not after this, not after -

"Where's the river, Remus?" Ivy repeated patiently, smudging away the wetness of his eyes with the heel of her palm before it had even the chance to collect into a tear. Remus couldn't find it with in him to fight her; and truthfully, he wanted it to go away. He wanted it to.

With a deep breath, he raised a heavy arm and pointed westwards. Ivy followed the direction with her eyes, before leaning her brow against his temple.

"I'll be back," she said softly.

"No." He changed his mind. "Stay here."

"Just fifteen minutes. You're alright, Remus. I'm going to make this go away."

She stood, or tried to. Remus wouldn't let her budge under his hands. "Fifteen minutes," He ascertained.

She nodded, and Remus finally met her eyes. There was nothing condemning there. There was only comfort and resolve. God, he wanted to drown in her. He wanted to rewind to just a few moments ago, with her asleep and he, breathing her in, immersed in her warmth, ignorant, guiltless…

Ivy disappeared from his line of sight - the moment she did, Remus began to panic for a whole new set of reasons. He did not like this at all, this - Ivy by herself, in the Forest, where such dangerous creatures could - and if she died too, then - then -

Remus thought of what her casket might look like, all cold alabaster and white lilies, and a shawl of satin blue draped over it with the Black family crest. It could have been her. It could have been her wedged between his teeth, muscle and organ alike slit apart with every grind of his jaw. Her screams fading as her life spilled out, voice choked away from her by a throat full of blood.

Remus emptied the contents of his stomach into the grass just outside their shelter.

He truly was inhuman.

* * *

He had fallen into an uneasy, nightmarish doze by the time Ivy stumbled back to him. She smelled like rotting skin and blood. He lifted his heavy eyes enough to see her sit against the wall almost three feet from him, obviously conscious of how dirtied her scent was.

"No," Remus murmured. He leaned towards her and coiled and arm about her waist, easy dragging her weight to meld flush against his own. At least this way, he could smother her in his own scent.

"It's okay," she whispered to him, her voice tired, fading.

Remus released a sigh that came out as a small groan. Her head fell heavily against his shoulder; he rested his cheek against her damp hair. He didn't want to know what she'd done, didn't even want to speculate. She'd sullied her hands for him in some way, and he was too much of a coward to ask how. All he wanted to do was believe her, stay near her, and try to sleep away his guilt.

Just as darkness was creeping into his mind, Ivy whispered something, so softly he was certain she thought he couldn't hear.

"I would kill for you, you know."

* * *

Dude, that sounds like a declaration of love to me. TBC!


	22. Stranded

_A/N:HELLO? IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?_

_I have not forgotten you!! Writer's block was devouring me, but I am back on track!! I also want you guys to know that I am posting this story at , so if you want to see some awesome graphics for the chapters and stuff, go there to support this story!! You can find my profile at: www . harrypotterfanfiction . com / viewuser . php ? showuid = 179715 (just take out the spaces.) Also, I have posted a new story called **SOLA FIDA OUTTAKES. **Visit it. Comment on it. Luv it.  
_

_Plus, the next chapters should come faster -- I know what I want to happen in them, it's just that I am also putting together my portfolio for the Creative Writing Program, so that forces me to do original work a lot since its due March. _

_I STILL LUV YOU ALL. PS -- did you like the third person POV? you might be seeing it more in the future...._

_

* * *

_

**Stranded**

"You cold?"

"Not really."

"I can feel you shivering."

"It's just a little."

"Come here."

"You…you don't have to--,"

But Remus had already pulled me into the corner of our shelter and closed his arms around my shoulders. I sighed into his (my) cloak. I lifted my head then and stared up into his paler than usual face, covered by a thin sheen of dirt, with dried blood and mud in some places, his hair matted and unkempt. A fresh cut across his left brow.

His eyes moved away from me. "You shouldn't look at me like that."

I was surprised. Was I making faces? I felt too sick for that, too tired. "Like…what, exactly?"

He just sighed and leant his head against the rock wall. The only parts of him I could see were his head, neck, and the hand on my arm; everything else was swathed in the black cloak. I had no idea of his condition. A vision of him at dawn flashed through my mind; weak, bleeding, and bare. I bit my lip. "Why don't you try to get to sleep, Remus?"

Remus' head tilted, his visible eye finding mine briefly before he resumed staring at the ceiling. His mouth slanted downwards. "No," he said.

"You were in a lot of pain yesterday," I said hesitantly.

"I'm fine." There was the slightest warning in his tone. He turned his face even further from me, towards the forest outside our shelter. "We need to go."

"Go?" I repeated blankly. I could feel every wheezing breath he took, and could barely lift my head without feeling dizzy. We weren't in the shape to _go _anywhere. "Go where? You know the way back to the castle?"

He rubbed a hand through his hair. "No," he admitted. "But if we can get outside the boundary line of the school grounds, we could Apparate to St Mungo's--,"

"You _are _hurt!"

"For _you!"_ Remus looked at me with frustration. I immediately looked away.

"There's no need for that," I said slowly. "I'm okay."

Remus' expression sharpened at that. He leant towards me, eyes narrowed, a dark look clouding his face. _Too close too close too close -- _"Why can't you see it?" he asked in a low tone, eyes flickering over my face. "How close you came to dying yesterday? Even now you--you're talking with a slur and--,"

"I am _not _talking with a slur," I said indignantly.

"--and I'm worried," he ended with exasperation. "Ivy, you almost _froze to death--,"_

"You're in no better shape than me," I interrupted. "I know it hurts you, Remus, and-,"

Remus' hands grabbed my arms tightly; I almost thought he might shake me, with the frustrated expression on his face. "Stop that. Stop it. I am what I am. But you -- you're just a girl, but you keep -- just look at you, you're…"

I smudged away a bit of dried blood from his cheekbone. "Alive," I provided for him.

Remus shut his eyes. He was silent for a long moment. I sagged against the wall at my side, physically spent already. But then Remus opened his eyes again, and looked to me with the most unreadable expression. His voice was low, frustrated, pained. "No one will find us if we stay here. We need to go and find help."

Arguing was useless, his eyes told me. I sighed shakily. Did I have a right to argue? He was probably furious with me. All he knew was that when he woke up, I was here, the Marauders were gone, and Morgan was dead. "O-okay."

He took my shoulders in hand and stood slowly, allowing me to unfold my legs. When Remus was at his full height, he slowly set me down, letting me plant my bare feet on the ground; he didn't release me immediately. I could just make out Remus' face in the faint moonlight. "Remus?"

Remus looked down at me. It was hard to see him, but with so little light his eyes looked much darker than normal. The wolf was there.

He looked away swiftly. "Its nothing. Can you stand alone?" he asked me, voice betraying nothing. I watched him for a moment, and his gaze flittered back to mine during the silence, but only long enough to furrow his brow before looking away again.

I nodded uncertainly, blinking away blotches of black in my vision; Remus slowly pulled his hands away from me, ready to grab me again at any moment; but to our mutual surprise, my legs held strong. Gaining my bearings, I took my hand off _his _arm, not entirely sure when it had moved there, and fought a wave of nausea that threatened to put me back on the floor. My other arm lay numb and useless at my side. When I finally attained some sense of control over myself -- however delicate -- I looked back to Remus, who had moved to the opening of our shelter. He wasn't facing me at all by this time.

"Put your skirt on.."

Remus stepped out of the shelter and into the cold Forest night, effectively missing my startled expression. For the first time, I took notice of my own clothed state; or lack thereof. I was only wearing my blouse and underwear. A hurried scan of the shelter found my skirt to lay in a pile of green plaid near the firepit. I stumbled over to it as quickly as I could manage, cheeks hot with embarrassment, and picked up the skirt -- only to find the buttons had been ripped clean off.

For a second, I didn't know what to do. I remembered Remus taking my wet clothes off the night before, but in his haste had he ripped the buttons by accident? What was I to do? I couldn't possibly travel in such a state of indecency --

_What choice do you have, you idiot?_

I took a slow breath. The voice in my head made a good point, though I wasn't at my finest in regards to thinking straight. Remus and I were stranded in the Forest - not just _a _forest, _the _Forest, and I was only wasting time with thinking like a pureblood. There was simply nothing for it.

That didn't make it any easier to get up, and feel the cold air against my thighs. Approaching Remus was even worse. Aside from feeling sick, I felt humiliated. Before he even glanced my way, one hand came up and circled my good elbow in a staying manner, as though to keep me from moving away. I came up beside him, feeling his eyes slide over to me, and the blush on my cheeks darkened. Shame, humiliation, and embarrassment all washed over me in equal degrees. I anxiously unbuttoned the one cuff I could reach and rolled it down as far as it would go.

Remus frowned deeply. "I asked you to--,"

I cleared my throat hesitantly, tugged at the hem of my blouse in an attempt to stretch it over as much skin as humanly possible. "I can't wear it," I whispered finally, dipping my head against his stare.

I fidgeted on the spot; Remus was quiet for a moment.

Rain was sprinkling lightly down upon us; Remus moved under the canopy of an oak tree, pulling me with him, and relinquished his grasp on my arm only so that I could push the tangles of black away from my face and fix what remained of my soiled uniform. I glanced at the man at my side as I did so. He was nearly indistinguishable from the shadows in the cloak I had given him, but I wasn't scared. Remus watched absently as I fixed my blouse so it was covering all the skin I could possibly cover, tie hanging pitifully from my neck like some pathetic attempt to look presentable. When he felt I was finished, Remus took my arm again, but his brow suddenly creased as his head tilted, eyeing the left arm hanging uselessly at my side. Though it was hard to tell in the dark, up close I could see that he was paler than usual.

Remus' voice startled me from my thoughts.

"Stay close to me," he murmured, starting into the thick of the forest. He snatched my good wrist as he passed and pulled me along behind him. "Don't let go of my hand." I could sense his growing frustration and anger, no doubt the reason behind his rather brisk pace. I tried my best to keep up, though I was very unused to walking through terrain like this barefoot, and my head felt as though it might explode. I stumbled along anyways, exposed, nervous, exhausted.

The silence was maddening. Remus seemed to be in the blackest of moods, and the Forest around us, whilst quiet on the surface, felt like it was humming with life. I was worried. Very worried.

"Remus," I murmured finally, heart pounding. I felt so very hot, but my outer extremities were freezing. "We have no wands."

Silence was his response. He kept walking.

I paused enough to gather my breath. "How will we defend ourselves if a creature---?"

"Don't worry about it."

He was being short with me, of all things. "What about--,"

I saw his jaw clench, and felt his fingers tighten around mine. A warning. "I said don't worry."

I hesitated; afraid to push him. But scared, too, and I didn't want to find ourselves being eaten by -- by -- chimaeras or something equally as awful. I bit my lip as my stomach churned. "But, Remus--,"

"There are hardly any creatures in this Forest that would approach us." Remus' voice was dark. "Because everything else is too terrified of me to even come close. Just stay near me and they won't bother you."

I fell silent after this. It was like he was trying to scare me off -- didn't he know by now that it was useless to try? With a sigh that hurt my bruised ribs, I concentrated on doing my best to keep up with Remus the farther we went into the Forest. I thought of asking where we were going, but decided not to instead. It may have been because the full moon had been so recent, or perhaps simply his way of dealing with his kill, but it felt as though the wolf was just underneath the surface, a beautiful and deadly creature.

We walked on. I tried not to keep track of the time, nor did I try to take in our surroundings -- I wouldn't have cared if we were going in circles. It seemed that with each step I felt more and more feverish, more sick to my stomach. I was not in good shape, and I was starting to lag behind Remus as much as his grip on my hand would allow. It was only a matter of time before my inattention led me to trouble, and sure enough, I stumbled over and upraised root and fell right into Remus. He turned and grabbed me as though he had sensed the very second that I had stumbled.

Remus took a deep breath, and held very still. "Ivy?" he questioned. I couldn't see him with my own mass of black tangles in the way. His voice caught a worried inflection. "Are you alright?"

Dazed, I raised my head, nodded. He carefully eased my weight back onto my own two feet and kept his hands on my waist, as though I might crumple if left to my own devices. He didn't look for an instant like he believed me, and instead of taking my hand again, he put a hand around my elbow and went much more slowly than before.

This seemed like as good a time as any. "Where are we going?"

Remus said nothing for a moment. "I don't know."

Remus led us through the thick wilderness, stopping here and there to turn back and look at me as though he expected me to fall in a dead faint at his feet. It wasn't too far from how I was feeling, either. I stumbled often, unused to walking barefoot - what pureblood would be? - and could only feel more and more like dead weight that Remus was forced to put up with.

Finally, Remus stopped us. He turned to look at me with a half-frustrated, half-worried expression. "Ivy." he guided me towards the broad trunk of a tree, which I leant heavily against. "When you need a break, tell me. You aren't well."

I swallowed. "I need a break," I said weakly. He huffed slightly in response, guiding me to sit at the base of the tree. My stomach churned violently. It felt as though I might vomit, but there was nothing in me to throw up. I shuddered and curled my arms around my stomach.

"You're getting worse," Remus said, more to himself than me. I felt I was no proper company at the moment. "You need a doctor." He looked about, as though expecting Madame Pomfrey to pop out of the bushes at any moment.

"I'm sorry," I said again, in a small voice. I opened my eyes to look up at him, but froze when I saw, over his shoulder, many eyes looking back. I felt all colour drain from my face.

"R…Remus," I whispered, raising a shaking hand. "A…acro…acromantula --!"

It was with horror rising in my that I watched the eight black, glistening eyes move closer, as a thick, hairy leg crept into the moonlight, thicker than my arm. The creature's gaping maw detached itself from the shadows, revealing long, grotesque fangs dripping with poison, dripping onto the forest floor in generous puddles.

Remus had moved within seconds -- one hand locking over my mouth and the other bracing himself against the oak tree as he pressed me into its trunk, chest to chest. Remus pressed my face into his neck. "Shh," he cautioned softly, watching the acromantula sharply from the corner of his eye. A second leg joined the first, and then two more as the huge arachnid crept into the light of the moon, releasing a horrible series of clicks as that tough, stiff hair coating its body moved in the wind. I whimpered. Remus pressed me harder into the trunk, and lifted his shoulders as if to hide me from the creature's numerous, unmoving eyes.

Remus tucked my head down, as well, and I could see nothing - but I could hear the creature move closer, closer, and I could feel Remus squeeze me tighter, tighter, until the chatter of the spider's fangs clicking together was right against my ear, and I swore I felt the brush of coarse leg hairs against my cheek. It was at that moment that Remus suddenly made a terrible sound, a growl and a snarl, that thrummed straight into me and sent the acromantula skittering back. Only when the sounds of the terrible creature died away and Remus slowly eased off of me did I open my tightly closed eyes.

I felt breathless. "Scary," I breathed.

"Yeah," Remus agreed, though he didn't look even half as shaken as I was. I shuddered and slid to sit at the base of the tree.

"That was…a really…really big spider," I put a hand to my brow; gazing at the place where the creature had been.

"He wasn't hungry," Remus said absently, as though he'd been told by the arcomantula itself over a nice spot of tea, "Just curious. He was fairly young."

_Fairly young? _It occurred to me for the first time that maybe Remus was more odd than I was.

"Still scary," I gasped, trying to get the mental acromantula skittering through my mind's eye to go away, "Even you weren't that scary. At least you were nice to look at-,"

"While I'm tearing you apart, you mean," Remus added firmly. His tone was scolding -- the slight easing of his voice only seconds earlier disappeared. "At least the acromantula has enough conscious thought not to attack instantly. That's the only reason you and I aren't running right now. If it was another werewolf-," he broke off, looked away.

Still waiting for my heart to start beating normally, I pressed a hand to my chest. "If it was another werewolf," I repeated, "You would be here to fend him off."

"And when I was done doing that? What then?" Remus was pacing a little, like he didn't know what to do with himself. He rubbed his face in his hands tiredly, frustrated. "I'd turn on you in an instant, and rip open your throat."

He met my gaze. We stared at one another, unmoving. Then, finally, he turned and sat in front of me, gaze level. "Why did you leave the castle walls, Ivy?" his voice was no more than a whisper.

There it was. And I didn't know what to say.

I thought about how to answer. I looked down at my scratched up fingers, contemplating whether to speak truth or lie. Could I lie to him under these circumstances? I did not think it likely. Yet, reflecting on my actions, on what I did and really why I ran straight for the place where I would be in the most danger, I knew how it would sound to Remus' ears. I could just imagine what he would think if I told it to him straight; 'This is all my fault.'

I could see it now. '_I heard he was coming after you, so I was out here trying to kill Morgan before he got a hold of you; but then everything went to blazes and you ended up killing him instead. Well, as long as he's dead I suppose. Sugar Quill?' _

"Ivy. Please."

I thought carefully. Voldemort had sent Morgan on this mission, which meant he knew, at the very least, that there was a werewolf attending Hogwarts -- it didn't mean that he knew it was Remus, specifically. Having lost Morgan in an attempt to capture this werewolf, there is no reason to think that Voldemort would pursue Remus any further. It is safe to say that he sent Morgan on this mission simply on a whim, since it seemed like a fairly easy thing, what with Remus and Morgan attending the same school -- but Voldemort he has scores of all the magical creatures he could ever want in various countries through Europe, and so he has no reason to come after Remus again. It was just, I suspect, a matter of whim.

Remus was safe.

"I…I didn't mean to leave the castle," I said slowly. "I was…in the Slytherin common room when Severus told me that Morgan was in the Forbidden Forest…" I stopped abruptly as Remus' figure blurred before me. I touched my temple in surprise; a second later, I could see Remus clearly again. There was a wrinkle in his brow.

Shaking my head, I tried to remember where I left off. "It's just--," My fingers started tingling. I looked down at them, flexed them. Must be falling asleep.

_-- Ivarius --_

"What is it?" Remus' voice startled me. I looked at him. Had he just said my name?

He couldn't have. "Nothing. I must be hearing things," I said, studying his face. It flickered in and out of focus, almost like I was blinking rapidly -- I touched my eyelids, they were closing no faster than usual.

_-- Ivarius --_

A hand touched my head. The tingling was quite strong now. "Lay down," Remus prompted, and I leaned down, ready to do as he said -- when it caught my eye.

_-- Ivarius --_

The Dark Mark. Its colours more harsh than ever before.

_-- Ivarius --_

It was burning. Pain prickled at my senses, dimly at first.

"It hurts," I whispered. The black flashes became stronger -- and I realised, no, not black flashes -- visions -- a room -- chamber -- pain.

"Ivy!"

It wasn't just the mark, it was everywhere -- a burning, like boiling water was pouring all over me -- I could feel Remus there with me, speaking to me -- "Remus," I gasped.

_-- IVARIUS --_

A jolt, like someone had yanked hard on my hair. I shrieked.

"What's wrong? Ivy? Answer me, love, I'm right here--,"

There was another pull, another vision -- a dark chamber -- Death Eaters --

Voldemort.

"Ivarius Black."

I looked up, and found myself no longer in the Forest, with no Remus at my side. No, it was a tight circle of hooded figures and skeletal faces surrounding me. It was a large snake slithering across the dark stone floor beneath my hands.

It was My Lord, in front of whom I was on my knees.

"There you are," his smooth voice cut into me, and drained all colour from my face. I watched his slim figure walk ever closer to me, still disoriented, no idea of what was happening. "You've kept me waiting, my dear."

* * *

It gets angsty next chapter, but there's also romantic progress! SRSLY.


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